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Gentle vs Firm Parenting: Have You Overcorrected?

Are you overcorrecting in your parenting? Stop choosing between kindness and firmness. Discover how to balance empathy and boundaries for a healthier home.

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

4 min read

Dr Becky next to a pulled excerpt from The Daily

“Is there a ‘right way’ to parent?”

This is the question host Michael Barbaro asks at the beginning of NYTimes' The Daily podcast episode on gentle parenting in France, Did American-Style ‘Gentle Parenting’ Spoil French Children?. Since finishing the episode, I’ve been arguing with it in my head ever since. The conversation circled around different versions of the same question.

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Am I supposed to be firm or kind?

The Daily's episode on gentle parenting in France gives a vivid picture: a french toddler sitting through a three-course meal, eating what the adults eat. No kids' menu, no chicken nuggets. It's a strong image of a kid handling something hard.

But here's the question I don't think we ask enough: is that compliance, or is that sturdiness? A kid can sit still through a long meal because he's learned to tolerate being bored and uncomfortable. Or he can sit still because he's learned that his discomfort isn't going to be welcome at that table. From the outside, those look exactly the same. That's what makes compliance so easy to mistake for the real thing. And it's part of why the pendulum swung the other way.

Over the last couple of decades, France has seen more adoption of gentle parenting - or what they call positive parenting - centering around the child. There’s an example in the episode where a kid hits a parent while his diaper is being changed. Rather than saying, “stop,” the parent will consider the kid’s perspective. Well, the kid is on their back in a powerless state, so give them a moment of power. Less “Go to your room,” more empathy, and, according to the episode, fewer limits. That isn’t just about hitting.

There is a philosophy behind this parenting approach: you are new here, and it’s my job to understand you.

That choice is the problem - because as long as kindness or firmness is a choice, parenting will feel utterly impossible. Our kids need both, and honestly, so do we.

We’ve confused giving our kids a voice with giving our kids a vote

These are two different things, and once you conflate them, parenting is going to feel like a trade - and it’ll feel impossible. Either I care about my kid’s feelings OR I’m the one who decides.

Think about the pilot you want flying your plane during turbulence. They say, I hear you’re nervous back there. I’m going to fly us through this and get us to our destination safely. The pilot doesn’t ask you for permission to put on the seatbelt sign. The pilot doesn’t allow your feelings to change course. The pilot also doesn’t tell you to “stop crying”.

The pilot holds his authority and cares about you in the same breath.

Firmness (holding your authority) and kindness (caring about the other person) can also happen in the same breath in parenting.

Your kid hits you, and you say, “No. I won’t let you hit,” and then you actually stop their body from doing it again by blocking the next hit with your hand. You add a dose of empathy with, “I know… it’s hard to wait.”

Or your kid speaks to you rudely, and you say, “Hey. I care about how you’re feeling. And I absolutely will not get into a conversation when you speak to me that way.” Maybe after a breath: “I know you can do better. Try again,” said from love and belief, not criticism and control.

The podcast episode keeps asking, “which am I supposed to be.” Instead, I’d ask: in which direction have I gone too far toward, and what’s the correction toward balance?

Here’s where I’ve noticed a pattern in parenting: an overcorrection toward empathy only, rather than empathy and limits.

When a kid doesn’t want to go to his sister’s soccer game, complaining that it’s boring and not fun. Not long ago, the response might be something like: “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal’ or “I’ll give you something to cry about, we’re going.”

I am not suggesting we go back there. Our kids deserve better than that, and so did we. But look at where we’ve landed instead: “Okay, someone will stay home with you.” Or, “Ok, you know what, we’ll bring your iPad.” This is not a referendum on the iPad. It’s a comment on a philosophy: that without realizing it, parenting has become about optimizing each individual child’s enjoyment at every hour of the weekend. And then we wonder why our kids can’t tolerate being bored. We wonder why our kids can’t do something that’s about the family instead of about them.

I’m not immune to this either. A couple of years ago I heard myself say to my kid, “We’re all going to your sister’s game, and we’re not bringing an iPad. And we’re doing it because I agree with you that it’s not the most fun for you. The weekend is not about optimizing your personal pleasure at all moments.”

Honestly, I needed that reminder as much as my kid did. I have been a sturdier, more family-centered parent since.

To be clear, the overcorrection toward empathy came from a good place. Many of us grew up not feeling heard. Our feelings didn’t seem to matter, or they were the thing that got us in trouble. Not only did that feel awful, it also caused problems for us later in life.

Of course you’d want something different for your kid. And that is a gift for them. Your kids get to grow up knowing their feelings matter in your house, and that came from you. The next step isn’t trading empathy for firmness. It's not choosing a side. It's getting to know the part that's missing.

Before we get to that step, there’s one more thing that happens when the whole house organizes itself around a child’s feelings and preferences, and it’s this: you, the adult, start feeling invisible.

You never pick the dinner you want. You never pick the movie you want. You don’t say no to the game you’ve played for the 99th time. You don’t say no to the playdate your kid wants on the weekend when you know you need some chill time. These decisions are fine alone, yet destructive in aggregate.

You become resentful and burnt out. You’re yelling more because there’s no room left for you in your own home.

Struggling when your kid is upset with you doesn’t only mean you don’t set boundaries. It tends to mean you struggle to protect your own wants and needs everywhere else in your life too.

The correction here isn’t fewer boundaries. It’s how you try to understand your kid’s world, how you connect to your kid outside those moments, and how you make room for your kid’s reactions even while you hold the line.

Let me be clear about the next step. It’s not scrolling and taking in one more piece of parenting advice. The answer is inside you, not on the internet, and so step one involves gazing in, not out. Help might be out there, and help can be amazing. However, I believe we can only consume helpful ideas when we know ourselves and what we’re looking for.

So here’s the process.

  1. Check in. Ask yourself: have I overcorrected? Do I feel it? And if I do, do I want to add the best parts of the other side back in, without giving up the one I’ve already built?
  2. Then, and only if it’s true, fill in the blank below with the word “firm” or the word “kind.” There will be more nuance than this, but it’s a shorthand exercise to get us started. Yes, I think I may have overcorrected to one side. The side I want to add in a bit more is _________.
  3. That’s a bigger step than you realize. Without any flood of TikToks or reels coming your way, you know what you want to do, and that came from you.
  4. Now ask yourself: do I know how to add in that side? If you do, stop here. Go do it. If you don’t, that’s okay. Most of us have never had a sturdy leader in our life to show us that kind and firm, all at once, is possible. Not a teacher, not a coach, not a boss, and certainly not a parent. Which means you might be the first person in your lineage to be that kind of human. Wow. That’s epic.
  5. And if you’re thinking, “I want to do one thing today that makes a difference,” keep reading below.

Consider the below a menu, not a program. There are three categories on each side with a few options under each.

Let me be clear: You are not supposed to do all of them. In fact, please don’t. You’re looking for the one that makes you look inward and go, huh, okay, I could do that today. I just want to maximize the likelihood of that thought which is why I’m sharing the entire menu.

Adding firmness

Put yourself in the equation, and tolerate your kid being upset about it

  • “I don’t want to play dress-up right now. I’ll draw with you or play pick-up-sticks.”
  • “No, we can’t do a playdate tomorrow morning. You’re right, we’re free, and also I need that time to chill in our house without another plan.”
  • “We’re not doing pizza tonight. We’re having chicken and rice.”

The hard part here isn’t the sentence. It’s the thirty seconds after it, when your kid is annoyed with you and you don’t take it back. Your kid is allowed to be upset, but remember, for this experiment, this is a moment where you’re giving your kid a voice but not a vote.

2. Set a boundary and hold it - even if your kid is upset

  • “We’re all going to the game, and we’re not bringing the iPad.”
  • “Screens are done at 5 o’clock.”
  • “You can be mad about this. It’s still a no.”

Expect your kid to be upset. That’s normal. Say many fewer words than you think. No justification, no logic, no reasoning, no trying to convince your kid to agree with you. And definitely no “okayyyy?” at the end. A boundary is a sentence, not a question.

3. Reestablish your authority. Not in a controlling way, but in the way a pilot would

  • “I’m not changing my mind.”
  • “There are some decisions that are yours, some we’ll make together, and some that are mine. This is one of mine. And I’ve already made it, sweetie.” Then stop talking.
  • “You don’t have to like this one. I’m still the one deciding it.”

At Good Inside, we talk about authority without aggression. Most adults tell us that they’ve never known this kind of authority. It’s new - which is why these words will feel uncomfortable today. Over time, they’ll feel more practiced and familiar.

Adding kindness

1. Understand your kid’s reaction as you hold the boundary

  • “TV time is over.” Then, “Ugh. I know that stinks.” And the TV stays off.
  • “I know this isn’t your favorite.” Yes, you can keep buckling your kid into the car seat as you understand that they don’t love it.
  • “You know, when I was your age, I had a hard time stopping playing, too. Getting ready for bed was hard for me too.” Then stop. You’re not giving more play time. Just give this a second to land - your kid just may willingly cooperate. After all, we’re all just looking to feel seen, right? We all become a bit more flexible after.

The test for all three: did the limit move? If it didn’t, you did it right. You’re not changing your firmness. You’re adding in kindness.

2. Get curious about your kid’s world when nothing is at stake

  • Ask one question about the thing they actually care about. Not school, not behavior, no lesson hiding inside it. If coming up with questions is hard for you, we just made a game for this right here: goodinside.dev/would-you-rather. Enjoy.
  • Rose, Thorn, Bud. Ask in a quiet moment: What was your rose today - the best part of your day? Your thorn - the worst part? And your bud - the thing you’re looking forward to tomorrow? Share your own too.
  • Sit near them for 7 minutes with no agenda at all.

This is the one that builds the base your kid comes back to later, when the thing they’re hiding is bigger than a TV show (and one day, yes, it will be - and you’ll want to know).

3. Repair after it goes badly

  • “I yelled this morning. That wasn’t okay, and it wasn’t your fault.”
  • “I’ve been thinking about what happened before school. I was short with you and I wish I had been kinder in that moment. I’m sure that felt bad.”
  • “Woah, that came out harsh. I’m sorry. Let me try that again.”

Repair doesn’t take away your authority. Think about a boss who says, “I handled that badly, I’m sorry.” You don’t respect them less. You trust them more.

Pick one today - not all of them and not a new philosophy. Just one. Because you don’t have to choose between firm and kind; just practice what’s missing. Eventually, it’ll come in the same breath.

If you want support while you do it, that’s what we’re here for. And you are far from alone.

Becky

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