Hi,
You recently listened to my podcast or saw my Instagram post about raising boys and consent, and I promised I'd type this out for you. Because I know what happens: you listen and think, Oh my goodness. YES. I never thought about it that way. And then a week later you're trying to explain it to someone and you're like... wait. What was that thing again?
So here it is. Warning - it’s long, because I want it to be legit helpful for you. So keep it, read it a bit at a time, star it in your inbox, forward it to the people you talk about this stuff with.
Here's my general POV before we get into specifics: We spend too much time making sure our boys know the right answer, and not enough time helping them build the emotional skills to act on it when the moment gets hard.
Of course our boys need to know about consent. Knowledge matters. But one day, our son will be at a party, in a high-stakes moment, and what he knows won't be the only thing guiding him. He'll also have years of emotional patterns. All of that comes into the party with him. All of that loads onto the moment.
And here’s what that means: the work starts much earlier than the party, in moments that look like they have absolutely nothing to do with consent: How does your son handle not getting what he wants? How is he learning to notice another person - their body, their cues, their needs - especially when they conflict with his desire? When everyone else seems okay with something and something inside him says, Huh, I don't know about this - which one has he learned to trust?
None of what I’m sharing is a guarantee. Of course not. Sexual violence is not an individual parenting problem, so of course it does not have an individual parenting solution. Our kids are growing up inside a whole culture that's shaping them, too. And this is also true: childhood is one place they get thousands of reps practicing the emotional skills they'll need when the stakes get much, much higher.
So here are three places to start. They won’t be everything but they certainly won’t be nothing.
1. Disappointment
The idea:
Help your son learn: I can really want something, not get it, and handle what happens inside me without making someone else responsible for fixing it.
Why it matters:
Because disappointment can become blame surprisingly quickly:
I feel bad → You made me feel bad → You need to make this better.
Years from now, we don't want someone else's "no" to feel like something they did to our son.
Try this today:
Your son wants more screen time. You say no. He's furious.
Instead of convincing him your boundary is reasonable—or changing it because he's upset—try:
"I know. You really wanted more time. You can be really disappointed with my decision. I'm still going to end screen time."
Remember: The boundary is my job. The disappointment is his.
2. Noticing
The idea:
Before we can respond to another person, we have to notice them: their face, body, tone. The moment something shifts.
Why it matters:
A kid can know every rule about consent and still become so focused on his own excitement, desire, embarrassment, or social standing that he stops taking in information about the person in front of him.
Try this today:
He's teasing his sister. He's still laughing. She's stopped.
Instead of only saying, "Stop teasing your sister," try: "Hold on. Look at her face. What do you notice?"
You're teaching his attention to widen from Am I having fun? to What's happening for the other person?
Remember: We can't respond to what we don't notice.
3. His own “what to trust” barometer
The idea:
Everyone else being okay with something doesn't automatically mean it's okay.
Why it matters:
One day, "everyone else is doing it" may show up when the stakes are much higher. We want our kids to have practice noticing the part of themselves that says, Huh. I don't know about this.
Try this today:
Your son tells you he doesn't want to go somewhere all of his friends are going. Our instinct is often: "What? Everyone's going! You'll have fun!"
Try: "Huh. Everyone's going, and something in you doesn't want to go. Tell me more."
By the way, this does not mean his feeling dictates the decision. Maybe he doesn’t go. Maybe you uncover out something together and then going is actually the thing you both figure out is best. It’s not about the outcome, it’s about what this process teaches: The crowd is information - but the crowd isn't my barometer. We can’t spend childhood constantly pushing our kids toward the group and then expect them to magically resist the group when the stakes are higher.
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Okay. That's what I promised you - but I want to leave you with something else.
I don't do this work because the world needs more parenting tips. I do it because I believe people can change patterns - and that so much of that change starts in ordinary moments that don't look important yet like the screen-time fight or sister who's stopped laughing or the Friday night when everyone else is going.
And none of us can do this alone. We need families, schools, teams, institutions - and each other. I hope I’m giving you new ways to think, because I know you’re doing that for me. Your stories, questions, and pushback make me think differently, too - and for that, I am deeply grateful.
In it with you, still learning, and parenting imperfectly myself,
Dr. Becky
