Kids are born with all of the feelings… and none of the skills to manage those feelings. Without these emotional regulation skills, intense feelings—like frustration, jealousy, disappointment, or even excitement!—can explode out of their bodies as hits, bites, and kicks. That’s right: Under every “bad” behavior is actually a feeling or urge that is too big for your kid to manage.
The good news? Your child doesn’t have the skills to manage these feelings yet. A parent’s job is to teach kids the emotion regulation skills they need, so their big feelings don’t come out as behaviors like hitting.
When we view difficult behaviors through this lens, it becomes easier to see our kids as good kids having a hard time, instead of “bad” kids doing “bad” things.
Why do toddlers hit?
If your toddler is hitting, biting, pinching, or kicking, there’s nothing wrong with your kid. And there’s nothing wrong with you! It’s developmentally appropriate for toddlers to express themselves in physical ways as they learn how to manage and communicate their emotions.
At this stage, seemingly “aggressive” physical behaviors such as hitting indicate that a child is in fight-or-flight mode. Their body feels so overwhelmed with emotions that they react the way any human being does when we’re in danger: self-protection.
Of course, a child isn’t actually in danger because screen time has ended or a friend started using their favorite toy—they just feel very angry, scared, or disappointed. In these moments, we have to help our toddlers recognize their intense feelings before they can regulate them.
If you’re looking for books about not hitting to read with younger kids, my children’s book, That’s My Truck!, tackles a relatable, messy moment for families—all while giving you an opportunity to build connection and coping skills with your kid.
