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Were You the "Good" Kid? Three Small Steps Out of the People-Pleasing Pattern

I just talked with Belle Burden, author of Strangers. Belle was "Belle the Good" growing up. And I think we all know what that means. Easy. Compliant. Follows the rules. Maybe even the "favorite child." A lot of us were that kid, too.

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

4 min read

girl holding a paper in classroom and clinching her fist excited

Introduction

I just talked with Belle Burden, author of Strangers.

On the surface, her book is about a bombshell moment when she found out something about her husband that changed everything. We talked about marriage, about betrayal, and about the unsettling question underneath it all: how well can you ever really know someone?

But we actually spent lots of our time somewhere I didn't expect - on the concept of the “good girl.”

Belle was "Belle the Good" growing up. And I think we all know what that means. Easy. Compliant. Follows the rules. Maybe even the "favorite child." A lot of us were that kid, too.

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What "good girl" really trains you to do

Being a "good girl" teaches you to gaze out. You become an expert on your environment — reading the room, tracking everyone else's needs, staying a step ahead of whatever might upset someone. And somewhere along the way, you often learn that your worth, your value, even your safety, is tied to meeting those needs.

And here’s the insidious part: it's not just that your own needs come last. It's that gazing in - noticing what you want - starts to feel like a threat. Like your needs are the thing that could disturb the peace, and so they’re dangerous. And what do we often do around danger? We avoid. We stay away.

A quick note: this often gets told as a "good girl" story, but the outward gaze shows up in caregivers of every gender. If it resonates, it's for you.

Three small steps to start gazing back in

We can't unwind a lifetime of “the good girl.” And as Belle and I discussed, “the good girl” has positive intentions. How awesome to care deeply about others and take care of their needs. It’s just that sometimes this girl has gone on overdrive. Instead of her being a passenger in our car, she takes over the driver’s seat. So much of adulthood is taking the wheel back - and learning how to keep the good girl in the car, but just in the back seat. 

But how do we do this? How do we take an idea that may leave you saying, “Yes that resonates… but how? Literally what do I do?” At the end of the podcast, I told you I’d share three actionable ideas. Nothing that will be a complete 180 and nothing that will make you say, “Oh my goodness Dr Becky I could never do that (like… asking your barista to remake your coffee because they gave you a latte and you asked for a cappuccino. By the way, that is a completely ok thing to do. But I know that might spike you to a 9/10 level of anxiety right now. We’ll get there).

Here are three things you can do that slowly help you unwind that people-pleasing, good-girl cycle. Not completely. Not all at once. Just small things that may feel like a 2/10 and make you think, “Huh ok I can do that.” Here they are:

1. Have an opinion - even a made-up one.

Think of a moment where you'd usually say "whatever, it doesn't matter to me." Maybe it's when your family asks what you want for dinner. Maybe it's "what should we watch tonight?" This week, you're going to have an opinion. And here's the trick: it can be totally made up. You might not actually care about dinner - but you say, "You know what, I'd really love Chinese tonight." Done. Check. You did it. Your family might say, "Eh, I'd rather do pizza." Great - and if you want, feel free to say, "Sure, pizza's fine." Do not tell yourself this didn't count. It counted. Remember, we're working at a 2/10. Voicing an opinion is progress.

2. Say: "Let me think on it and get back to you."

Notice a moment where "Yes! Of course!" wants to fly out before you've even thought about it. This week, one time, you're going to use one phrase instead: "Let me think on it and get back to you." Here's how it could sound:

  • "Hey, do you want to join the Second-Tuesday-of-The-Month decorating committee?" (ummmmm does anyone?) → "Oh, fun. Let me think on it and get back to you."
  • Someone invites you to a barbecue Sunday night - but you know that same weekend you've got the indoor water park, two kids' birthday parties, and an in-law visit. → "Thanks so much for inviting me - let me think on it and get back to you, have to look at our other stuff and see what’s possible."

Saying that phrase is your win.  It puts space between your urge to say yes and your eventual answer. Maybe a couple of minutes later, maybe a day later, you say no and feel great about it. Or maybe you say yes, even when part of you wanted to say no. That's okay. You'll get there. Right now, it's the space, and the practice of pausing, that counts. That’s another 2/10 win.

3. Let one thing in your environment stay a little unfixed.

Find one small thing you'd normally tidy in your environment - and this week, just leave it for 10 minutes. For example:

  • The couch pillows, while the kids are getting on their pjs. (Yes, they're going to fly out and wreck the couch again right after. That's exactly the point. Leave the pillows.)
  • The laundry sitting in the dryer, unfolded. Because let's be honest - does anyone actually need to fold kids' underwear and t-shirts?

This won’t be easy. And this isn’t a “I have to commit to this every day” situation. Just once. If you want to tidy those pillows or fold your kid’s underwear tomorrow, go for it. Today, your goal is to… not. And to tolerate that twitchy "I should just fix that" feeling. And you will have that feeling. That’s expected. Just survive it one day for one untidied thing.

Why this is a parenting issue

And now here’s the thing I keep thinking about - and maybe the thing that gives extra motivation to work on our old “good girl” dynamics.

When we grow up as "the good girl," we don’t often realize we carry the same core belief into parenthood: that our job is to keep our kids happy. Of course that comes from the most loving place. And it might look like:

  • Calling the school to make sure they're in the same class as their best friend
  • Driving all over town for the exact squishy they swore they were the only one without to avoid the tantrum they’d have if you didn’t have it at school pickup

I get it - I've done my own versions of this. It feels like love. And in a way, it is.

But here's a new way to see it: when we rush in to smooth every bump and avoid every meltdown, we actually remove the very moments where our kids would have built capability. Because capability doesn't come from getting what we want or from optimizing for happiness - it comes from learning to tolerate the feelings that are hard, with our support but not our solutions. 

No, this isn't one more thing to feel bad about. It's just something for us to keep an eye on, and to realize that working on this people-pleasing dynamic is as much for your kid as it is for you.

Go deeper

If this hit home, there’s so much in the Good Inside app that will take this from “such an interesting idea” to “wow I can’t believe I made that much change in a few months.” My personal recommendations for you, if you join, are the following programs: No More People Pleasing, Setting Boundaries, Managing Tantrums - all of which will help you so stop over-functioning and start building capability (yours, and your kids' - talk about efficiency!)

Join us inside Good Inside →

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