Here’s a big idea: When it comes to parenting, we have to understand before we intervene. This is true for every kid, and especially highly sensitive kids.
Two key concepts to grasp in order to understand Deeply Feeling Kids: emotional regulation and attachment. Understanding how these concepts shape your child’s behavior will change more in your home than anything else—because it will change the lens through which you see them.
What is emotional regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to manage our feelings in a healthy way. It involves essential skills like identifying emotions, communicating how we feel, and coping with distress.
The inconvenient truth is that kids are born with all of their feelings… and none of the skills to manage those feelings! When kids act out of control, it’s because they feel out of control—not because they want to be “bad,” “rude,” “dramatic,” “defiant,” or “[fill-in-unfavorable-quality-here]”. As a parent, your job is to help your kid build the skills they’re missing, so they can grow up to be a confident, resilient, and compassionate adult!
Think of yourself as your child’s emotional regulation coach. Remember: Your Deeply Feeling Kid has more intense, overwhelming emotions than other kids. It makes sense that they need more time and support to learn how to regulate those feelings… just like how it takes some kids longer to learn how to read or swim! With the right strategies, they can and will learn. We promise.
What is attachment?
Attachment is the emotional bond between two people. In parenting, attachment is a child’s primary evolutionary drive—it is how kids learn to feel safe in the world. Think about it: When children are young, they need to be close to us (literally!) in order to receive their basic needs (food, shelter, water) and survive.
Children are constantly taking in their environment and paying attention to what brings us closer and what pushes us away—so they can protect attachment to us in the face of a threat. For early humans, these threats were things like saber-toothed tigers. For Deeply Feeling Kids, though, the “threats” are intense emotions.
Two things are true here: Emotions aren't actually life-or-death threats for your Deeply Feeling Kid AND they really do feel this threatening in their body. On the one hand, they’re terrified of being devoured by the feeling and need your protection. On the other hand, they’re terrified the emotion could devour you, too—their primary attachment figure!
This is why Deeply Feeling Kids often push parents away during outbursts (“Leave me alone!”). It’s as if they’re saying, “My feeling is DANGEROUS! I need help… but what if you can’t handle this feeling, either? I am too much for anyone, I am bad!”
