The Learning Space™

There’s a big gap between “not knowing” and “knowing” something. Normalizing this in-between space is key to helping our kids build resilience.

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

5 min read

The Learning Space Is Key to Building Resilience | Good Inside

Has your kid ever crumbled into tears because their block tower keeps falling? Or slammed their homework down on the table, shouting “I can’t do it!”?

If your first instinct in these moments is to jump in and “fix” the situation—restack the blocks, solve the equation—you’re not alone. It’s so hard to watch our kids struggle with learning something new! And this is also true: When we solve our kids’ frustration, we unintentionally rob them of an opportunity to build critical life skills.

So, what can parents do instead? Allow our kids to sit with the frustration of what Good Inside calls “the Learning Space.” The best part: Our practical approach to understanding and managing the frustration of learning will not only help your kid tackle challenges today—it will wire them with lasting resilience for adulthood, too.

What is resilience?

Here's something important to know about building resilience: It doesn't look “resilient.” It’s messy, it’s loud, and it’s uncomfortable.

Resilience isn’t about bouncing back immediately or putting on a brave face. It’s about acknowledging distress and trusting that you can move through the distress. Most importantly, resilience is built—not born. Just like a muscle, it strengthens with practice. That’s where the idea of the Learning Space comes in.

What is the Learning Space?

The Learning Space is the gap between “not knowing” and “knowing.” It’s the messy middle, full of ups and downs, where growth occurs.

Why does this space matter? Well, when kids break down or give up in the process of trying something new, it’s often because they have a false expectation that “not knowing” and “knowing” sit right next to each other. When kids expect to master new subjects, skills, or hobbies instantly, any stumble or setback can feel like failure. That’s when you tend to hear them say things like, “I’m dumb!” or “I’ll never figure this out!”

We know how painful it can feel to hear our kids say these things. Something else we know: When our kids struggle, they need our support—not our solutions. Our job as parents isn’t to make the Learning Space smaller, or move our kids from “not knowing” to “knowing” as soon as possible. Our job is to help them build tolerance for the Learning Space. The longer they can tolerate this space, the more they will be able to learn and grow.

How to Talk to Your Child About the Learning Space

Here are three practical strategies to incorporate the Learning Space into your day-to-day parenting and build your child’s resilience:

1. Draw the Learning Space

It’s often easier for kids to grasp big ideas like the Learning Space through concrete visuals. (And, honestly, the same is true for adults!) So, start by drawing two dots on opposite sides of a piece of paper: one labeled “not knowing” and the other labeled “knowing.” Then draw a big squiggly line between them.

Say to your child, “Do you know everyone has a space between ‘not knowing’ and ‘knowing’? It’s called the Learning Space. And that’s where we all go when we’re learning something new.”

2. Validate your child’s feelings in the Learning Space

The next time your child is struggling, use these scripts to validate their distress in the Learning Space. Over time, they will build up more and more tolerance for frustration:

“It feels frustrating because you’re working really hard, and you’re not at the end yet. This doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re in the Learning Space.”
“This spelling word/math problem/dance move is part of your Learning Space. One day, it’ll move to your Knowing Space. Today, you’re still working on it, and that’s okay.”
“Ah, you’re in the Learning Space. It’s hard here, I get it. You don’t have to rush out of it. I’ll be right here with you.”

3. Model being in the Learning Space yourself

Our children watch us succeed at all kinds of little things—reading books, reaching high shelves, tying our shoes—so it’s no wonder they find it frustrating when similar activities are hard for them! It’s hard to embrace mistakes and take on challenges if the adults around you seem to get it right away.

We can normalize frustration for our kids by sharing our own “Learning Space” moments. The more we model that it’s okay to struggle and make mistakes, the more we set the stage for learning and growth. This can be as simple as struggling to open a jar of tomato sauce, or practicing a new yoga pose in front of your kid.

You might even say out loud to yourself, “I am between ‘not knowing’ and ‘knowing’... and I can live here for a little bit. I can do this. I don’t need to reach ‘knowing’ right away. I can feel good about myself even when I’m in the Learning Space."

Raise a resilient kid with Good Inside

The next time your child is deep in the struggle of learning, remember: They’re not behind. They’re not broken. They’re not doing anything wrong. They’re in the Learning Space. And they’re doing exactly what they’re supposed to be doing.

We know there’s more to say about supporting our kids through the Learning Space: How can you respond to perfectionism? What if your kid refuses to do homework? You deserve support through every “What about when…?” question. That’s exactly why we created Good Inside.

The Good Inside membership offers personalized, daily support for every age and stage of parenting. From resilience and defiance to sibling squabbles and body confidence, we’ll help you solve current challenges—and get ahead of future ones—in just 5 minutes a day.

Intro
What is resilience?
What is the Learning Space?
How to Talk to Your Child About the Learning Space
1. Draw the Learning Space
2. Validate your child’s feelings in the Learning Space
3. Model being in the Learning Space yourself
Raise a resilient kid with Good Inside

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