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An Effective Alternative to Punishments for Kids

Looking for different types of discipline than you experienced growing up? Here’s how to improve behavior without punishments and rewards.

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

6 min read

An Effective Alternative to Punishments for Kids | Good Inside

Time-out. No screen time. Dinner without dessert. If you’re like most parents, you’ve relied on one (or all!) of these consequences for kids. Then, the next week, your child is back to screaming “I hate you!”, throwing blocks, or sneaking their phone into their room… and you’re back to making threats. 

If you’ve found yourself stuck in this cycle, you’re not alone. Many of us default to the types of discipline we experienced growing up, only to question: “Why isn’t this working?” Whether you’re arrived here because you’re at your wits’ end, curious about a new approach, or dedicated to breaking cycles and learning how to discipline a child without yelling or hitting, you’re in the right place. 

Good Inside is on a mission to give parents like you the knowledge and tools you need to raise confident, resilient kids. In this article, you’ll learn about our effective discipline approach that transforms behavior without fear, guilt, or shame. Ready to see meaningful, lasting change in your home and feel more connected to your kid? Let’s jump in.

Understanding your child’s “bad” behavior

One of our core beliefs at Good Inside is that we have to understand before we intervene. Most types of discipline fail because they don’t consider: “Why is this behavior happening in the first place?” So, let’s get curious before we start doling out consequences for kids. 

Our children are born with all of the feelings and none of the skills to manage those feelings. When a kid yells, hits, or lies, it’s not because they considered the situation, assessed all of their options, and chose to misbehave. Instead, it’s because they experienced a big feeling or sensation they couldn’t regulate… and it exploded out of their bodies as a behavior. 

The key idea: “Bad” behavior is a sign of dysregulation, not disobedience. (And, by the way, this idea applies to adults, too!) We can improve behavior by strengthening our kids’ core emotional regulation skills.

Why punishments for kids don’t work

So, what’s the issue with punishments and consequences for kids? Why don’t time outs work?

Well, let’s consider what we do when our kids lack a skill, like knowing how to swim. Would you watch your kid struggle in the pool and then threaten, “You have to swim! If you don’t start swimming, no dessert for a week!” or “That’s not swimming! Time-out NOW. You need to think about what you’ve done wrong.” Sounds pretty ridiculous, right? 

Whether it’s swimming or regulating emotions, our job as parents is to teach our kids the skills they’re missing—not punish them for not knowing yet. 

Even when punishments for kids lead to short-term behavior change, they come at a long-term cost. These types of discipline can leave kids feeling ashamed, afraid, and alone (“I’m a bad kid who did a bad thing”), which can lead them to internalize their feelings (as anxiety or self-criticism) or act out in more dangerous ways (like lying or sneaking out) as they get older.  

Ways to discipline a child without punishment

Now, don’t worry: Approaching how to discipline a child from a place of teaching, not punishing, doesn’t mean letting your kid “get away” with harmful or inappropriate behavior. It means embodying your authority as a sturdy leader and building your child’s emotional regulation skills for the long-term. 

How do you teach these skills? There are different strategies for inside and outside of tough moments. Since we usually resort to punishments inside difficult moments, here’s a key two-step strategy for intervening when your kid acts out.

1. Establish safety

When your kid acts out, they’re essentially saying: “This feeling inside me, it’s too much for me to handle! Please tell me that it’s not too much for you. If my feelings don’t scare you, then over time they won’t scare me… and I’ll learn to regulate them myself.”

Our kids are begging us to show we’re not afraid of their feelings—that we can keep them safe. We establish safety through firm boundaries. Sometimes, this means simply stating the boundary. Other times, it means physically stepping in to be the boundary.

2. Validate goodness

After establishing safety, validate your child’s goodness to separate their behavior on the outside from who you see on the inside. Our kids feel good inside when we stay with them when they’re upset—showing them that their feelings don’t scare us or make us see them as bad kids. 

Over time, your child will start to learn to do this themselves. The combination of safety plus goodness leads to emotional regulation over time.

At Good Inside, we’re all about turning ideas into action. So, what do these two steps look like in real life? Let’s walk through a step-by-step example of what to do if your child throws a block at a friend. Instead of “No iPad tonight if you don’t stop throwing,” do this:

  1. Establish safety. State your boundary, saying: “I won’t let you throw.” If you need to physically step in, say: “I’m going to pick you up until your body calms down.”
  2. Validate goodness: “I know you’re a good kid having a hard time."

3 key takeaways

Okay, we covered a lot of information about punishments. New ideas can feel exciting… and they can also feel overwhelming! So, let’s ground ourselves in three key takeaways:

  • Kids act out of control because they feel out of control. 
  • While punishments and consequences for kids might stop behavior in the short-term, they don’t teach kids the skills they need to manage big feelings—and those skills are key to lasting, meaningful change. 
  • During a tough moment, set boundaries and validate your child’s goodness to build emotional regulation. 

Most importantly, remember this: You just took time out of your (very!) busy schedule to learn how to raise a confident, resilient kid. That’s amazing, and your kid is so lucky to have you as their parent.

Learn alternatives to punishments with Good Inside

We know there’s so much more to explore when it comes to punishments for kids. What about when your child keeps repeating “bad” behavior? How do you know what skills your kid needs? What if you’ve been using punishments up until now? You deserve support for every what-about-when situation. And that’s exactly why we created Good Inside. 

Our Effective Alternatives to Punishments program will give you the knowledge and tools you need to transform your home and your relationship with your child. Plus, when you join, you’ll get access to our entire suite of parenting resources. From hitting and defiance to sibling squabbles and body confidence, we’ll help you solve current challenges—and get ahead of future ones—in just 5 minutes a day.

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