I get asked all of the time, “Why do you never mention timeouts? And if you don’t support them, what do you suggest I do when my child is acting out?” These are great questions. Timeouts are a go-to strategy for countless families, but it’s true, I don’t recommend them to parents in my private practice, and you won’t see me recommending them here.&nbsp;



Why not? A few reasons:



We usually give timeouts in response to a child exhibiting some kind of challenging behavior (hitting, talking back, etc.). Our kids engage in these behaviors because a feeling inside them is so big and overwhelming that it can’t be regulated or processed. So instead, it bursts out of them as an out-of-control behavior.&nbsp;



Feelings and behaviors go together—one proceeds the other. Here are two examples:



I want that block, and my sister has it. I am frustrated! (This is the feeling.) I couldn’t manage the feeling, and so it came out as a hit. (This is the behavior.)



I want this snack right now, and my mom is saying no. I’m so mad! (This is the feeling.) I couldn’t manage this feeling and so I lunge for the cabinet, my mom blocks me, and I pinch her. (This is the behavior.)&nbsp;



Big idea: out-of-control behaviors come from out-of-control feelings and urges. The key to change is to help kids build the skills they need to manage their feelings and urges.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading">Separate the Feeling From the Behavior</h2>



One of our main jobs as parents is to help our kids separate feelings from behavior—this is the essence of regulation. When you give a child a timeout, instead of separating your child’s feelings from their behavior, you collapse them together—which is the very thing that led to the problem in the first place! Think of it like this: if you send your kid to their room for throwing a block, they never learn that the feeling of frustration that precipitated throwing the block is normal, even healthy, and they definitely never learn any coping skills for that feeling. Instead, a child learns that BOTH things—the feeling AND the behavior—are bad.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading">Understanding the Role of Attachment</h2>



Our kids’ survival rests on attachment. After all, kids only get their basic needs met (food, shelter, water, care) through their relationship with their parents, so figuring out how to attach to parents is of prime evolutionary importance. Attachment is a system of proximity—when we say that kids need to be sure their parents keep them “close,” we don’t just mean emotionally close; we mean literally, spatially closeby. This is how kids are ensured of protection. As a result, kids digest their interactions with caregivers through this question:&nbsp;



“What parts of me lead to closeness? These parts are lovable and good. And what parts of me lead to distance? These parts are unloveable and bad.”&nbsp;



How does this relate to timeouts? Well, timeouts are a form of distance from a caregiver and a feeling of aloneness for a child. Think of this from a child’s perspective:



&nbsp;“If these are the caregivers I need for survival and they send me away because I had a big feeling that caused me to throw a block, those feelings must be so bad and dangerous to the world. I have to make sure never to have that feeling again and when I do, get it out of my body as quickly as possible! ”&nbsp;



So what happens the next time this feeling comes up in their body? Our kids have no skills to manage the feeling, they are now scared of it, AND they have to get the feeling “out of their body” because it feels so dangerous. Enter hitting, biting, throwing, etc.—and the cycle of out-of-control behavior continues.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading">But Why Do People Say Timeouts Work for Their Kids?</h2>



I hear it too, but here’s the truth: timeouts appear to “work” for kids who are people-pleasing kids who only feel safe when their parents feel happy with them. But what really happens during the timeout? The child blames themselves and loads up with guilt (“I’m such a bad kid. It’s all my fault. I need to be the part of me that my parents find loveable”). So, yes, it might look like it works, but the child still has no skill to manage tough feelings. Developmentally, this child remains stunted, never learning to manage feelings like frustration, anger, or jealousy. Further, this child builds up their circuit of self-blame and self-criticism, which they will carry into adulthood.



Plus, there’s this: my experience has shown that kids who are parented in their early years with behavioral methods like timeouts, rewards, and punishments grow up to be teens who struggle to have a connection with their parents. All kids reach an age where they essentially say, “You can’t give me a timeout anymore. And I don&#8217;t care about your sticker charts.”&nbsp; And what do you have then? Well, nothing. Only years of missed opportunities to connect to your child and build the emotion regulation skills they need for life.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading">So What Should We Do Instead?</h2>



CREATE BOUNDARIES



When a child “acts out,” they need you, the parent, to be the boundary they cannot be for themselves. After all, kids hit and throw and kick not because they don’t respect you or because they’re trying to “be bad”—it’s because they are dysregulated, hyperaroused, and out of control.



So, step one: embody your authority and put a boundary around the behavior. Let’s use the example of your child throwing a block at your other child. Here’s what creating a boundary would look and sound like: “I will not let you throw that block!”&nbsp;



You may need to stop in and hold your child’s wrist or take a block out of their hand. You might need to go one step further and remove your child from the room. None of this is a punishment. A strong boundary is an act of love to keep your child safe. Words for this action might sound like this: “I’m going to pick you up and take you to another room. You are having a hard time making decisions, and I am going to keep you safe.”



Now (and this is critical!) sit in the room with your child. No, your loving presence does not reinforce bad behavior. We are not shaping behavior here; we are raising children who need to feel your connection to feel safe again. “I’m here. It’s okay. No, you can’t go back out yet. We’re not calm. You’re a good kid having a hard time; I’m right in there with you.”



If you’re alone with both your children, you might have to go between your two kids (the one that is dysregulated and the one who may have gotten hurt from the throw). There’s no easy answer for handling this and no one, including me, does this perfectly; take a deep breath, remind yourself that this difficult moment will eventually end, and do the best you can. That’s all we can do in impossible situations! What might this look like IRL? You might say aloud: “I’m going to check on your brother right now. I need to keep him safe as well. I’ll be back to be with you again in a few moments.”



BUILD REGULATION SKILLS



Okay, after we make it through the initial stage of setting boundaries and offering loving containment to a child to keep them safe, we need to help our child build the regulation skills they were missing in the first place. But hear me out: Don’t do this during the meltdown! We cannot build skills when a child is dysregulated because their brain is in threat mode, not learning mode! We can only build regulation skills when things are calm—before or after a tantrum.



So now it’s hours post-throwing-event, you and your child are calm, and you are thinking about how to build your child’s regulation skills.&nbsp;



Regulation Skill 1: Emotional Vaccination&nbsp;



Here’s how you do it: Before a tricky situation, prep your child for the feelings of frustration that are likely to arise. The exact situation doesn’t matter. All tantrums come from frustration, so when you help your child prepare for frustration-potential in one area of their life, you’re helping them build a larger, more generalized circuit for anticipating that sometimes things don’t go our way. Here’s an example:



“Let’s think about when your brother wakes up from his nap and comes into the room. He’s probably going to see that tower. What’s going to happen when you both want to use the same blocks? Ugh, that’s so hard. I am just thinking how hard it is to have a younger brother, especially when he comes to play right after his nap. What do you think we can do?”



What you come up with as a strategy is less important than the fact that you empathized and prepared your child for those feelings in advance. This helps your child understand his own feelings and strengthen the muscle of recognizing feelings when they arise, which is key to managing feelings rather than reacting to them.



Regulation Skill 2: Building Coherence



We can also build regulation after a tough moment. Revisiting the events and feelings helps a child understand what happened, which builds regulation. It might sound like this:



“I’m thinking about earlier when you and your brother were playing, and you threw the block. I want to understand exactly what happened because it’s so important to understand our big feelings. I think you were building a tower, and then your brother came after his nap, and he lunged at your tower like he was going to knock it down, and that felt so big and so hard to handle, and it just came out of your body, and you threw the block. Is that right? Did I get that right?”



When we add coherence to help a child understand what set them off, we change a fast and dysregulated circuit to a slow and connected circuit. You’re not changing the story; you’re not adding anything new; you’re just layering on connection and validation to something that felt so bad for your child. That correction will give them a moment of pause the next time a big feeling comes up. And ultimately, it will stop the cycle of out-of-control behavior much more effectively than timeouts.&nbsp;

Little boy sitting against wall alone with head down, hugging knees and holding teddy bear

Why Time Outs Don’t Work

Foundations

Go To Community

Let’s talk about it together

Connect with Good Inside-trained coaches AND thousands of judgment-free, knowledgeable parents just like you. You ask. They answer. Every time.

Family Jobs: What They Are and Why They Matter

A Pilot Metaphor to Understand Sturdy Leadership

Foundational Strategy For Every Feeling

What is Repair and Why Does It Matter?

Go-to Foundational Ideas

We Are Bigger Than Our Mistakes

<ul>
 	<li>Trade "You look pretty!" for...
<ul>
 	<li> “How do you feel?”</li>
 	<li>Say nothing. Notice the urge, let it go and focus on the “inside
stuff”.</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Trade "What a cute outfit" for...
<ul>
 	<li>"How'd you think to put together that outfit?"</li>
 	<li>“How do you feel in those clothes?”</li>
 	<li>“You look like you’re really into this outfit, tell me more.”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Trade "You're so smart" for...
<ul>
 	<li>"Tell me what you're reading."</li>
 	<li>"You really worked hard there."</li>
 	<li>"I can tell how hard your brain is working."</li>
 	<li>"You seem to really like to challenge yourself."</li>
 	<li>"I can see how hard you're focusing."</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Trade "You scored the most goals!" for...
<ul>
 	<li>"What part of the game will you most remember?"</li>
 	<li>"You worked so hard in practice this week and look how that paid off."</li>
 	<li>"You were so focused during the game. Wow."</li>
 	<li>"How do you feel about how you played?"</li>
 	<li>"I loved the way you handled scoring; you were really a great teammate."</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Trade "You got an A!" for...
<ul>
 	<li>"Tell me about that paper."</li>
 	<li>"I know how hard you studied for that."</li>
 	<li>"What part did you like the most?"</li>
 	<li>"You've been working really hard."</li>
</ul>
</li>
</ul>
<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/Gi_Replacing_Outside_Compliments_for_Inside_Compliments.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide</a>

Replacing “Outside” Compliments for “Inside” Compliments

Repeat After Me With Jazmyn Simon & Dulé Hill

“I’m not going to the doctor! You can’t make me! No No NO!” Yes, we’ve been there too. You’re not alone - and nothing is wrong with you or your kid - if doctor’s visits are full of protest, screams, and tears. And here’s the good news: you’re in the right place to learn what’s really going on here and what you can do to help your child, and yourself. Let’s jump in.

Big Idea

If you remember nothing else, remember this: There is so much power in preparation. When we prepare our kids for challenging things to come, we can generate feelings of mastery and connection and safety - and what’s amazing is these feelings transfer to the very moments we need them most. 

So while it’s easy to avoid talking about tough situations and get into a, “Oh I don’t want to bring this up and make my child anxious!” mindset, we’re going to do an almost 180 degree approach: talk about the things that feel nerve-wracking, approach them head-on, and show our kids that we aren't as afraid as they are. Our kids absorb our sturdiness which helps them feel more in control and less afraid.

So how do we do this when it comes to taking our kids to the doctor? Follow these step-by-step guidelines to reduce anxiety and increase empowerment - for everyone!
<ol>
 	<li>Share details. Talk about the waiting room, doctors, procedures. </li>
</ol>
Talking about details allows your child to imagine what’s to come - and so instead of the unknown, you’re talking about something, well… known! Use these words to begin this conversation: "Tomorrow is your check-up. Let's talk about what will happen so we know what to expect."

2. Act it out in play. Play allows kids to preview what's to come and to practice coping skills.

Suddenly you have new use for all the stuffed animals, baby dolls, and toy dinosaurs in your home! Your child lives in a world of play - that’s where they try out new ideas, practice new skills, and seek to understand the world. So let’s meet them there. Share these words with your child to gain mastery within play: “Hey, let’s take your favorite Teddy and show him what a doctor’s check-up will be like! Because I’m sure Teddy is wondering and for all of us, and Teddy too, knowing what’s to come helps us feel ready!” 

Then think about each step: driving to the doctor, waiting in the waiting room, a stethoscope to listen to breathing, using a tool to look into ears and throat, etc. You can use words like, “Hey Teddy! Let’s go through each step starting with driving to the doctor… yup let’s get into the car and buckle up!... drive drive drive… oh it’s kinda long huh!.... Ok here we are, time to wait in the waiting room! Oh… there are books! And oh… other kids and babies!.... Ok they called our name, Teddy, let’s go into our room and wow… look at that crinkly paper on top of the doctor’s table…” What I am doing here is “making the unfamiliar more familiar” - which helps kids understand and feel in control.

You may want to add things like: “Let's listen to his breathing… and now let's look into his ears! How is this feeling, Teddy?"

3. Use a book. Books normalize experiences and build mastery and familiarity.

There are so many picture books that go over and illustrate a doctor’s appointment, step-by-step. A few days before the appointment, feel free to incorporate this into your reading routine: "Oh! A book about going to the doctor. How perfect because your appointment is later this week! Let's read it..."

4. Emotional vaccination. Talking about feelings in advance sets the stage for regulation.

Many parents wonder how to handle shots or blood tests. You know your child best. It’s ok to not tell your child about this days and weeks in advance if you know your child will ruminate about it and spiral in worry. At the same time, that doesn’t mean it feels good to a child to all of a sudden have a needle stuck into their body - we need to find an approach that’s between the extremes of talking-about-it-all-the-time and never-mentioning-it.

Often words like this help: "It's ok if you're nervous about your blood test. You're allowed to feel that way” or “A shot? That may be part of what happens at the doctor. It’s ok to be nervous about it. I know that we will get through it.

5. Focus on your presence. You cannot provide certainty about every detail, but you can assure your child that you'll be right there with them.

This is key: when kids are nervous, instead of answering all of their anxiety-filled questions, shift to a focus on your presence. That likely is a new idea, and here’s why it’s powerful: whenever we’re anxious about something in the future, it helps to focus less on the unknowns of the situation and more on our own coping ability.  And when it comes to kids, a key part of their coping is knowing that you will be with them the whole time. In other words, parents cannot take away all the hard parts of life but we can assure our kids that they won’t be alone with the hard parts of life. Try words like this: "Here's what I know for sure: I will be with you the whole time. I will stay right by your side." And if you want, add in: “And we will get through it, together. I just know it.”

Remember: Our goal isn’t to prevent crying or avoid worry. Our goal is to have our child feel safe and secure, which depends on our honesty and connection.

Last Thought: It’s okay if your child is nervous about doctor’s visits. Your main goal is to allow them to feel the way they feel (i.e., “It’s okay to be nervous.”) while also showing up as a sturdy optimistic leader for them (i.e., “And I know we will get through it.”). If your child tends to be filled with worry and hesitation, the <a href="https://www.goodinside.com/workshop/1560/anxiety-worry-in-kids/">Kids Anxiety Workshop</a> will give you even more support for helping your child build resilience and key coping skills. You’ve got this. And we’re here to support you along your parenting journey.

<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/GoodInside_PreparingforDoctorGuide_v1C.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide</a>

Guide to Preparing Your Child for the Doctor

How to Talk About School Lockdowns

Your Body Is Not a Problem to Fix

How to Explain the Good Inside Approach to Others

<h2>How to Explain Lockdown Drills:</h2>
“You might have something at school called a lockdown drill, and I want to explain to you what it is. Lockdown is when people don’t move around and instead stay exactly in the room they’re in, and a drill means practice. So a lockdown drill is when kids and teachers practice staying in the classroom. 

You know how I tell you that my number 1 job is to keep you safe? Your school has 2 jobs, to help you learn and, also, to keep you safe.

There are many things you do at school to practice being safe... Lining up to leave your classroom helps teachers know where every kid is - so they can keep every kid safe. Doing fire drills helps all the kids and adults know what to do and how to be safe in case there is ever a fire.

During a lockdown drill, safety looks like moving to a different spot in your classroom and staying very quiet. Your teacher may also turn off the lights and lock the classroom door so everyone stays safe inside. Your lockdown drill may happen when you aren’t expecting it and that might feel surprising. 

Why do you have to practice this? Sometimes people who should not be in a school go into a school, and your school wants to make sure everyone knows what to do if that happens so they stay safe. It doesn’t happen very often. I wish it didn’t happen at all. 

Sometimes these drills might feel a little weird or scary. I’m always here to talk about it.”
<h2>If Your Child Asks Questions about Gun Violence Being Related to Lockdown Drills:</h2>
<ul>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Start here: “I’m so glad that you came to me to talk about this. Tell me more - what have you heard, what are you worried about?” Pause. </li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">“Yes. I wish this wasn’t true and it is true. There have been times where people brought guns into schools and used those guns to harm others. This is rare and it has happened.”</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">“Why? I don’t have a good answer. No one has a great answer for why people harm other people in this way. And sometimes… when we ask why… we’re also just worried. Or we wish it wasn’t true. I’m right there with you, sweetie. It’s a really upsetting thing to think about.” </li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Add: “I get that this might feel really upsetting and scary.. It feels that way for me and other adults too. I’ll always be here to talk about upsetting and scary things."</li>
</ul>
<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/GI_Guide_To_Explaining_Lockdown_Drills.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide</a>

Guide to Explaining Lockdown Drills

When Your Child is Negative

When Your Child Says They’re Not Pretty

Navigating Tricky Friendship Moments: Your Role As A Parent

School

<ol>
 	<li>WAIT. Pause, remember this isn't an emergency. Give yourself permission not to fix anything or make any major changes. Kids often need time and just some support to figure things out, not any major intervention.</li>
 	<li>Use “It’s almost like” - to go from sticky situation to open up a larger story:
<ul>
 	<li>“When you’re with Mila, it’s almost like she doesn't want you to be with anyone else… to play with any of the other kids… huh…”</li>
 	<li>“When a friend does something that upsets you, it’s almost like they become a bad person, they kind of go from friend to NOT friend huh…”</li>
 	<li>“When your friends are all together and you’re not there, it’s almost like they don’t even like you - huh. It feels like that.”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Use “I get that” or “That’s tricky” to validate and get on same page:
<ul>
 	<li>“I get that... I’d feel the same way too.”</li>
 	<li>“Ugh… that’s tricky.”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Use “I wonder” to open things up:
<ul>
 	<li>“Hm. I wonder if there’s anything we haven't thought about here…”</li>
 	<li>“Hm. I wonder if there’s another way to handle it…”</li>
 	<li>“Hm. I wonder what would happen if you...”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Use “I know you’ll / we’ll figure this out” to add hope and confidence.</li>
 	<li>Use “There’s something about this” - to deal with an in-the-moment tricky situation:
<ul>
 	<li>“There’s something about this that isn’t feeling good to you… you wanted to have Ethan over and now something about playing with him doesn't feel great. Hm.”</li>
 	<li>“There’s something about recess that’s been feeling really hard for you. I believe you. Let’s figure it out.”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Say “I believe you.”</li>
 	<li>Say “It’s hard to figure out what to do when…”:
<ul>
 	<li>“It’s hard to figure out what to do when a good friend upsets you...”</li>
 	<li>“It’s hard to figure out what to do when one of your friends wants to be with you all the time and you like them but also want to be with other people sometimes…”</li>
 	<li>“It’s hard to figure out what to do when your friends are doing something you don’t want to do but you also don’t love being the only one not doing it…”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Say “Friendships are hard. Balancing what you want and what other people want, speaking up and listening, doing what feels good to you and being flexible… it’s all so tricky.”

</li>
 	<li>Say “I don’t know when this will be resolved, I don’t know when you’ll feel better. Here’s what I do know: I know this stinks, I know I’m right here with you, and I know we’ll get through this together.”</li>
</ol>
<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/GI_TrickyFriendshipSituationsGuide_v3.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide</a>

Guide to Talking With Your Kids About Tricky Friendship Situations

Clean Plate Club

Scripts for When Your Child Has Trouble Making Friends

When Your Teen Comes to You With Friendship Struggles

Gi Report Card

Vacations with kids can often feel like, well, the opposite of a vacation. Here’s the good news: we know how to make them more manageable. Yes, traveling with kids can be hard AND there is so much we can do in advance to make it just a little bit easier. 
<h3>1. Establish Realistic Expectations:</h3>
The first thing to remember is this: Vacations can be overwhelming for kids. 

Vacation often means a new schedule, different sleeping arrangements, unfamiliar food, and new surroundings. All of this change and constant stimulation can make kids feel out of control on the inside, which often leads to them acting out of control on the outside.

An Establish Realistic Expectations intervention might look like setting a reminder on your phone daily the week before your vacation that says: “There will be challenging moments on my vacation AND I will be able to cope” or talking to a partner in advance and saying, “Hey, just thinking… on our trip - that we’re so excited about - our kids will still have their arguments and meltdowns and whines and rude words. Ugh.  Annoying and I know we’ll deal with it - and talking about it in advance is helpful I think!”
<h3>2. Remove the Surprise:</h3>
Emotions are hard enough to deal with - being surprised by an emotion is that much harder. The element of surprise is often what causes an emotional outburst, as a child feels caught off-guard and overwhelmed. 

When we prepare in advance for what something might feel like, a child is able to experience a feeling without being overwhelmed by the surprise of the feeling. This allows our kids to more easily access coping skills and good decision making.

For example, let’s say you know that there will be some new food on the trip that your child won’t want to eat. A Remove the Surprise intervention might sound something like this, “What if we are on vacation and someone offers you a food you don’t like? What do you think you could say?”  or “Ohhhhh I’m thinking about the hotel bedroom! What if the bed doesn’t feel the same? What if the pillows aren’t mushy or the sheet is a bit less soft?”
<h3>3. Know Your Job:</h3>
As parents, our job is two fold: set boundaries and show empathy. Boundaries are the decisions we make to keep our children safe. Empathy enables us to see our kid's feelings as real even if we don’t agree with them or experience them ourselves. 

For example, let’s say you’ve been waiting in the security line at the airport for a while. Your child starts to get impatient and maybe even tries to kick you in frustration. A Know Your Job intervention might sound something like, "I'm not going to let you kick me. I know you're frustrated. Waiting here is so… well, NOT fun. Ugh it stinks. I know.” 
<h3>4. VPH: Validation, Presence, Hope:</h3>
When your child is feeling anxious or nervous, remember these three things: Validate their feelings, assert your presence, and express hope in getting through the hard time. 

For example, if your child is nervous about flying, a VPH intervention might sound like: "I hear you, you're nervous, and that makes sense because flying is something we don’t do so often. I'll be with you the whole time, and we're going to get through this together." Then, remind your child that you believe in their ability to cope by saying, “Here’s something else I know: This is hard and you are a kid who can do hard things.”
<h3>5. Permission to Say Yes:</h3>
Family vacations aren’t perfect. There will still be moments where your kid throws a tantrum even after you’ve tried to validate their feelings. There will be moments your kids argue even though you want them to get along perfectly and appreciate the trip they’re on. Give yourself permission to take a break, to get the ice cream that will stop your child’s meltdown or let your kid stay up late - rather than trying to hold the same boundaries you hold at home or deliver some perfect script. A Permission to Say Yes intervention might sound like this, “Sure, you can have gummy bears with breakfast” or “Yup, sure, watch that extra show.”

<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/GoodInside_TravelingwithKidsGuide_v2.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide</a>

Guide to Traveling With Kids

Time to Become the Parent You Want to Be

No, You Haven’t Messed Up Your Kid Forever

You Matter Too

How to Effectively Change Behavior

The Way to Build Resilience

Here’s Your Job

Knowing This Difference Changes Everything

A Warm Welcome from Dr. Becky

What You Need To Know About The Emotional Lives of Teenagers

Navigating Your Kids' Friendships

Internal Family Systems with Dick Schwartz

It can be hard to know what to say when your kid says something like, "Daddy was mean to me!" or "Mommy pushed me!" or "You hurt my feelings!"

We need to start by differentiating your child's words from your child's experience.

After all, their words are accusatory and they blame others.  If we accept them as truth, not only do we feel awful, but we miss helping our children with what they really need help with—seeing their feelings (even their painful ones!) as their own. And not as something someone else "did" to them. 

This can be hard for adults too. It’s why adults are more likely to say, "I can’t believe you didn’t invite me to your dinner," versus "I felt left out and sad. I wanted to share that with you.”

So, what is your child's experience underneath those hurtful words? Vulnerable feelings. Under "Daddy was mean to me" could be a feeling of overwhelm. Under "Mommy pushed me!" is probably "I was out of control and needed boundaries, and yes, I'm glad someone set them, but also, that whole thing just felt scary." Under "You hurt my feelings" is...well, hurt feelings.

I wouldn't try to explain this to your child. You don't want to say, "You tend to accuse me of things when you're feeling vulnerable because it’s easier for you to think about others putting painful experiences into your body rather than thinking about the painful feelings themselves." But, while you're not saying this explicitly, knowing this will make it easier for you as a parent.

The goal, which happens slowly and over time, is to help our kids move from seeing their internal experience as a set of feelings that others are causing to a set of feelings that are their own.

Painful feelings can feel so unraveling and powerful that it feels safer to imagine these feelings being "put into” a child rather than living inside them. But we know that these feelings, while painful, aren't dangerous… they can live in your child... and this is really at the core of what we are trying to help them with.

Now, let's zoom back into the moment. What can you say in response to "Daddy pushed me!" or "Mommy was mean to me!"? Let’s go over three steps, and then I’ll share an example:

How to Validate Your Child’s Experience without Confirming an Exact Story:
<ol>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Name what didn’t feel good to your child.</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Validate your child’s feelings. Let them know you believe them.</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Stay focused on your child rather than the adult or person they blame.</li>
</ol>
Here are some examples:
<ul>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">"You had some tricky moments with Daddy last night. They didn't feel good to you. I believe you."</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">"When Mommy said you couldn’t watch TV... it didn't feel that good to you. I know. I believe you." </li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">If your child rails back, "Yes, because he pushed me!" or "Yes, because she was mean to me!" I would say back, "You know it felt bad. I know it felt bad for you, too."</li>
</ul>
I'm not taking the bait. I'm not arguing or pushing back. I'm not saying, "That's not true!" or "That's not what happened.” Instead, I’m shifting my child’s gaze from outside (others hurting them) to inside (looking at their own feelings).

Trust these small interventions. They don’t lead to change overnight, but you are building your child’s capacity to move away from blame and to, instead, tolerate the uncomfortable feelings in their bodies.

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Here’s the truth: There’s no right way to talk to our kids about tough topics. I’m a big fan of the mantra, “truth over comfort,” meaning, in my family, we prioritize talking about things that are true over talking about things that are comfortable. Having said this, I certainly won’t have the same conversation with my 4-year-old as I will with my 10-year-old.



I always try to keep this foundational idea in mind: Information doesn’t scare kids as much as “being in the dark'' scares kids. If no one talks to a child and gives them context and a story to understand, well, this is more terrifying to a child than sitting with an adult who explains things to them.&nbsp;



And while there is no one right way to talk about tough topics with kids, there are guidelines we can keep in mind:



<ol><li>Don't just "jump in." Do start slow.</li></ol>



<ul><li>Start with, "I want to talk about something serious that we'll all have big feelings about."</li><li>Talk slowly and make eye contact; this maintains connection and helps a child feel safer.</li></ul>



<ol start="2"><li>Don't be vague. Do use real words.</li></ol>



<ul><li>It's important to tell the truth. Using actual words around death, loss, and trauma builds trust.</li><li>When we avoid hard topics, our children absorb our anxiety about the "things that we aren’t talking about"; this makes them more fearful.</li></ul>



<ol start="3"><li>Don't just stick to the facts. Do check in with their feelings.</li></ol>



<ul><li>Pause at various points and ask, "What's this like to talk about?" It's okay if your child remains silent. You can share, "I know, it's heavy stuff."</li><li>If your child becomes upset, give permission for the feeling and name your presence: "It's okay to feel sad about it. I'm right here with you."</li></ul>



<ol start="4"><li>Don't feel you need to have all the answers. Do learn together–over time.</li></ol>



<ul><li>Feel free to say, "Great question. I don't know. Let's look into it together."</li><li>You can also say, "We can keep talking about this. It’s important we do because I'm sure you will have questions or more feelings may come up."</li></ul>



<ol start="5"><li>Don't make it "neat" and "tied up." Do tolerate the discomfort.</li></ol>



<ul><li>It's okay to cry. You can say, "Our tears tell us that our body has an important reaction. That makes sense given what we're talking about."</li><li>It's okay to be uncomfortable. Remind yourself that discomfort is a sign of doing something new, not doing something wrong.</li></ul>



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A “growth mindset” is the belief that skills and qualities can be cultivated through effort and perseverance.



Children who endorse a growth mindset aren't afraid to stick with challenges because they believe that struggling is part of the learning process. In the opposite mindset, a fixed mindset, children believe that failures are evidence of inferiority and so they are hesitant to stick with hard things.



Parents have a critical role in whether their children endorse a growth or fixed mindset. One strategy to start using is this: Start proclaiming Growth Mindset family values, then reference them in moments of struggle or challenge (both your moments and your kids' moments).



<ol><li>In our family, we love to be challenged.</li><li>In our family, how hard we work is more important than coming up with the right answer.</li><li>In our family, we know that not knowing sits next to learning something new. We love learning new things, so we embrace “I don't know" moments.</li><li>In our family, we try to remember that sticking with something hard makes our brains grow. And we're big into brain growth.</li></ol>



Speak about these values often, especially when you've made a "mistake" or don't know something. I've been known to act out Growth Mindset while cooking ("Ugh... I think I messed up this recipe! Well, it was a new one and definitely challenged me... and in our family, we do love to be challenged... I learned how to make it better for the next time so that's pretty awesome!"), when playing games (”Scattegories is so hard for me! There’s just something about this game that doesn’t come easily... well, in our family, we love to be challenged and so, yes, let’s play Scattegories. I’m up for a challenge tonight!”), and when talking about my day at work (”There’s something we just haven’t figured out yet at work... I’m still in that ‘I don’t know’ phase! Ugh it’s tough to be there!”).



Start struggling more around your child. Instead of opening a PlayDoh easily, struggle with your own as your child tries his. Instead of tying your shoes quickly, make a mistake and then try again. Instead of answering your child’s questions, share a question you’re not sure about and look up the answer together.



These Growth Mindset Family Values are critical in helping your child around her school work while she's at home. When kids endorse growth mindset, they become able to talk themselves through tough math problems, they read paragraphs over and over to make sure they understand correctly, and they aren't afraid to start a writing assignment that they know will take them a long time.

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I get asked all of the time, “Why do you never mention timeouts? And if you don’t support them, what do you suggest I do when my child is acting out?” These are great questions. Timeouts are a go-to strategy for countless families, but it’s true, I don’t recommend them to parents in my private practice, and you won’t see me recommending them here.&nbsp;



Why not? A few reasons:



We usually give timeouts in response to a child exhibiting some kind of challenging behavior (hitting, talking back, etc.). Our kids engage in these behaviors because a feeling inside them is so big and overwhelming that it can’t be regulated or processed. So instead, it bursts out of them as an out-of-control behavior.&nbsp;



Feelings and behaviors go together—one proceeds the other. Here are two examples:



I want that block, and my sister has it. I am frustrated! (This is the feeling.) I couldn’t manage the feeling, and so it came out as a hit. (This is the behavior.)



I want this snack right now, and my mom is saying no. I’m so mad! (This is the feeling.) I couldn’t manage this feeling and so I lunge for the cabinet, my mom blocks me, and I pinch her. (This is the behavior.)&nbsp;



Big idea: out-of-control behaviors come from out-of-control feelings and urges. The key to change is to help kids build the skills they need to manage their feelings and urges.



<h2>Separate the Feeling From the Behavior</h2>



One of our main jobs as parents is to help our kids separate feelings from behavior—this is the essence of regulation. When you give a child a timeout, instead of separating your child’s feelings from their behavior, you collapse them together—which is the very thing that led to the problem in the first place! Think of it like this: if you send your kid to their room for throwing a block, they never learn that the feeling of frustration that precipitated throwing the block is normal, even healthy, and they definitely never learn any coping skills for that feeling. Instead, a child learns that BOTH things—the feeling AND the behavior—are bad.



<h2>Understanding the Role of Attachment</h2>



Our kids’ survival rests on attachment. After all, kids only get their basic needs met (food, shelter, water, care) through their relationship with their parents, so figuring out how to attach to parents is of prime evolutionary importance. Attachment is a system of proximity—when we say that kids need to be sure their parents keep them “close,” we don’t just mean emotionally close; we mean literally, spatially closeby. This is how kids are ensured of protection. As a result, kids digest their interactions with caregivers through this question:&nbsp;



“What parts of me lead to closeness? These parts are lovable and good. And what parts of me lead to distance? These parts are unloveable and bad.”&nbsp;



How does this relate to timeouts? Well, timeouts are a form of distance from a caregiver and a feeling of aloneness for a child. Think of this from a child’s perspective:



&nbsp;“If these are the caregivers I need for survival and they send me away because I had a big feeling that caused me to throw a block, those feelings must be so bad and dangerous to the world. I have to make sure never to have that feeling again and when I do, get it out of my body as quickly as possible! ”&nbsp;



So what happens the next time this feeling comes up in their body? Our kids have no skills to manage the feeling, they are now scared of it, AND they have to get the feeling “out of their body” because it feels so dangerous. Enter hitting, biting, throwing, etc.—and the cycle of out-of-control behavior continues.



<h2>But Why Do People Say Timeouts Work for Their Kids?</h2>



I hear it too, but here’s the truth: timeouts appear to “work” for kids who are people-pleasing kids who only feel safe when their parents feel happy with them. But what really happens during the timeout? The child blames themselves and loads up with guilt (“I’m such a bad kid. It’s all my fault. I need to be the part of me that my parents find loveable”). So, yes, it might look like it works, but the child still has no skill to manage tough feelings. Developmentally, this child remains stunted, never learning to manage feelings like frustration, anger, or jealousy. Further, this child builds up their circuit of self-blame and self-criticism, which they will carry into adulthood.



Plus, there’s this: my experience has shown that kids who are parented in their early years with behavioral methods like timeouts, rewards, and punishments grow up to be teens who struggle to have a connection with their parents. All kids reach an age where they essentially say, “You can’t give me a timeout anymore. And I don't care about your sticker charts.”&nbsp; And what do you have then? Well, nothing. Only years of missed opportunities to connect to your child and build the emotion regulation skills they need for life.



<h2>So What Should We Do Instead?</h2>



CREATE BOUNDARIES



When a child “acts out,” they need you, the parent, to be the boundary they cannot be for themselves. After all, kids hit and throw and kick not because they don’t respect you or because they’re trying to “be bad”—it’s because they are dysregulated, hyperaroused, and out of control.



So, step one: embody your authority and put a boundary around the behavior. Let’s use the example of your child throwing a block at your other child. Here’s what creating a boundary would look and sound like: “I will not let you throw that block!”&nbsp;



You may need to stop in and hold your child’s wrist or take a block out of their hand. You might need to go one step further and remove your child from the room. None of this is a punishment. A strong boundary is an act of love to keep your child safe. Words for this action might sound like this: “I’m going to pick you up and take you to another room. You are having a hard time making decisions, and I am going to keep you safe.”



Now (and this is critical!) sit in the room with your child. No, your loving presence does not reinforce bad behavior. We are not shaping behavior here; we are raising children who need to feel your connection to feel safe again. “I’m here. It’s okay. No, you can’t go back out yet. We’re not calm. You’re a good kid having a hard time; I’m right in there with you.”



If you’re alone with both your children, you might have to go between your two kids (the one that is dysregulated and the one who may have gotten hurt from the throw). There’s no easy answer for handling this and no one, including me, does this perfectly; take a deep breath, remind yourself that this difficult moment will eventually end, and do the best you can. That’s all we can do in impossible situations! What might this look like IRL? You might say aloud: “I’m going to check on your brother right now. I need to keep him safe as well. I’ll be back to be with you again in a few moments.”



BUILD REGULATION SKILLS



Okay, after we make it through the initial stage of setting boundaries and offering loving containment to a child to keep them safe, we need to help our child build the regulation skills they were missing in the first place. But hear me out: Don’t do this during the meltdown! We cannot build skills when a child is dysregulated because their brain is in threat mode, not learning mode! We can only build regulation skills when things are calm—before or after a tantrum.



So now it’s hours post-throwing-event, you and your child are calm, and you are thinking about how to build your child’s regulation skills.&nbsp;



Regulation Skill 1: Emotional Vaccination&nbsp;



Here’s how you do it: Before a tricky situation, prep your child for the feelings of frustration that are likely to arise. The exact situation doesn’t matter. All tantrums come from frustration, so when you help your child prepare for frustration-potential in one area of their life, you’re helping them build a larger, more generalized circuit for anticipating that sometimes things don’t go our way. Here’s an example:



“Let’s think about when your brother wakes up from his nap and comes into the room. He’s probably going to see that tower. What’s going to happen when you both want to use the same blocks? Ugh, that’s so hard. I am just thinking how hard it is to have a younger brother, especially when he comes to play right after his nap. What do you think we can do?”



What you come up with as a strategy is less important than the fact that you empathized and prepared your child for those feelings in advance. This helps your child understand his own feelings and strengthen the muscle of recognizing feelings when they arise, which is key to managing feelings rather than reacting to them.



Regulation Skill 2: Building Coherence



We can also build regulation after a tough moment. Revisiting the events and feelings helps a child understand what happened, which builds regulation. It might sound like this:



“I’m thinking about earlier when you and your brother were playing, and you threw the block. I want to understand exactly what happened because it’s so important to understand our big feelings. I think you were building a tower, and then your brother came after his nap, and he lunged at your tower like he was going to knock it down, and that felt so big and so hard to handle, and it just came out of your body, and you threw the block. Is that right? Did I get that right?”



When we add coherence to help a child understand what set them off, we change a fast and dysregulated circuit to a slow and connected circuit. You’re not changing the story; you’re not adding anything new; you’re just layering on connection and validation to something that felt so bad for your child. That correction will give them a moment of pause the next time a big feeling comes up. And ultimately, it will stop the cycle of out-of-control behavior much more effectively than timeouts.&nbsp;

When parenting feels hard and we struggle with our kids, we dissect their behaviors with questions: What is wrong with my kid? Why won’t they stop doing these annoying things?&nbsp;



And yet, if we really want to help our kids, we often have to first change our gaze—turning it inward and onto ourselves—not for the purpose of self-blame, but for the purpose of self-reflection.&nbsp;We can start by asking ourselves the question: What does this situation with my child bring up for me?



Asking this question helps you develop more clarity and feel like a sturdier, more confident leader in your home. Why? Because you learn so much about your own circuitry, your own reactivity, and your own way of labeling your kids’ behavior.



Does this mean that your kids’ behavior is your fault? NO! Not at all. Does this mean change with our kids starts with some amount of reflection on ourselves? YES. Absolutely.



What gets in the way of us intervening with our kids when they are tantruming, lying, being aggressive with a sibling, or struggling with math or reading is almost always the emotions it evokes in us. We shut down the feelings in our kids that we have trouble tolerating in ourselves.



So, the key to moving through these situations is slowing down and asking ourselves some tough questions. Here are some examples of how this works:



<h2>My child is having a lot of tantrums.</h2>



<ul><li>What does this bring up for me? What goes on for me when my child is having a big tantrum?</li><li>Was I taught that emotional displays were okay? What is my own tolerance for messy emotions?</li></ul>



<h2>My child is fighting a lot with a sibling.</h2>



<ul><li>What are my ideas about siblinghood? What do I hope for my kids? What were my own sibling relationships like?</li><li>What are my assumptions about how siblings should feel about each other?&nbsp;</li></ul>



Am I okay tolerating a range of emotions my daughter might have toward her brother, or do I notice a desire for my daughter to have only positive emotions toward him?



<h2>My child is struggling in math or reading.</h2>



<ul><li>What is it like for me to have a kid who isn’t one of the early readers?</li><li>What was my academic history like?</li><li>Did my family of origin value top performance?</li></ul>



Big takeaway: Self-reflection is the key to feeling more at home in ourselves and also to showing up as the parent we want to be. Talk about bang for your buck!



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Sturdy leadership is a key concept at Good Inside. When our kids are having a hard time, they need to feel that they are not "too much" for their parents—their sturdy leaders. They need to see that they cannot overpower us with their tears or whines or dysregulated behavior.



Why is this so important? Because in these meltdown moments, kids feel overwhelmed themselves. If they then get the message that their emotional state also overwhelms their parents, it's game over.



<h2>Two things are true</h2>



Kids need to feel that their parents both recognize and permit their feelings and that their feelings do not take over and bleed into our decision making.



Two things are true here: As parents, we can make decisions that we think are best (even if our child doesn’t like them) and we can care about our kid’s feelings about these decisions. These are two totally separate things.



Let’s say your child wants to watch a movie that you deem to be inappropriate for his age. You say no to the movie. Your child is upset, disappointed, and angry: “All of my friends have seen it! You’re the worst person ever. I’ll never talk to you again!!”



If only one of these statements can be true, then your child's feelings have to overrule your decision. If you tell yourself that caring about your child's feelings has to be linked to your decision making, then you definitely will change your mind to prove to yourself that you're a good loving parent. But when both things are true, you are allowed to maintain your decision and your child is allowed to be upset.&nbsp;



<h2>A few scripts to try</h2>



Next time you need to hold a boundary you’ve set with your child, try using the “two things are true” phrase. For example:



<ul><li>“Two things are true: Screen time is over and I understand that ending your show is so hard. You wish you could watch another. I get that.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: We are not allowing you to go to big parties and I hear how that messes up your social life. I’m saying no and I care about how that feels to you.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: The kitchen is closed and you really wish you could have another snack. I know! Waiting for dinner is hard.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: I am tired and need sleep and I understand that you’re disappointed that I backed out of our plans.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: Mommy is going out for a walk and I hear that you wish you could come. Daddy will stay with you,and I’ll be back soon.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: I need a quiet weekend with no plans and I hear that you wish tomorrow worked for a visit. We can make a plan for another weekend, let’s find a date.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: We have a hard “no” to Fortnite and we hear how left out you feel. We care about that and would love to brainstorm other ways to connect with your friends.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: Our family is not getting a dog right now and I get how disappointing that is. You’re allowed to be upset with us.”</li></ul>



Try your own version of these words aloud with your child, your friends, your partner, or just in your head the next time you set a boundary. Remember, you don't have to choose between firm decisions and loving validation. Both can be true.

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