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Toddler Tantrums: How to Manage Big Emotions with Calm and Confidence

Struggling with toddler meltdowns? Here’s how to handle outbursts, build emotional regulation, and guide your child through big feelings with confidence.

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

7 min read

Toddler Tantrums: How to Manage Big Emotions with Calm and Confidence

Toddler tantrums always seem to happen at the worst moments and in the most inconvenient places. You’re running late and your kid is throwing their shoes at you… or you’re grocery shopping when they start screaming in the middle of the aisle. 

If you feel frustrated, helpless, or on the verge of your own meltdown in these moments, you’re not alone. Managing tantrums is one of the most challenging parts of parenting toddlers! This feels hard because it is hard. And this is also true: With the right strategies and support, this stage can get easier.

Good Inside is here to help you get there. We’re on a mission to give parents like you the knowledge and tools you need to raise confident, resilient children. The best part? Our approach to toddler tantrums will not only help you reduce outbursts today, it will also help build your child’s emotional regulation skills for years to come.

Why do toddlers have tantrums?

One of our core beliefs at Good Inside is that we have to understand before we intervene. So, why do kids have tantrums or meltdowns? The truth is toddler tantrums are a normal part of child development. Yes, tantrums are actually healthy. 

It might sound counterintuitive, so let us explain. 

Tantrums are a sign that kids are learning to navigate their feelings. Kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills to manage those feelings. When a toddler throws a tantrum, it’s usually because they want something and can’t have it. Their outbursts are essentially a way of saying: "I still know what I want, even when you say no to me! My whole body is showing you how much I want it and how much I hate that I can’t have it!” Now, of course, they’re communicating this message with screams, hits, tears, and yells… not with words. 

The key idea: Tantrums are a sign of emotional dysregulation, not disobedience.

3 common triggers for toddler meltdowns

Parenting toddlers means becoming an expert in understanding tantrum triggers. Every child is different; certain situations, feelings, or experiences will be easier for some kids to tolerate than others. The more you recognize your toddler’s triggers, the more you'll be able to emotionally prepare yourself for outbursts—and step in with the support your kid needs before the meltdown happens. 

Here are some common triggers for toddler tantrums:

1. Overstimulation

Sensory overload significantly contributes to toddler meltdowns. When a child is adjusting to new people, thrown off of their usual schedule, or otherwise overwhelmed, their frustration tolerance is understandably lower—which can lead to more tantrums. (And, let’s be honest, the same is true for adults!)

2. Difficulty communicating

Toddlers are still learning how to communicate with us. This is especially important to remember when toddler tantrums feel irrational. When a kid cries because their apple is “too crunchy” or the rain is “too wet,” our logical adult brains might want to say, “This doesn’t make any sense! Stop making a big deal out of nothing!” Instead, consider that your kid literally doesn’t have the words yet to express how they’re feeling—so they’re grasping at whatever words they have to express that something doesn’t feel good.

3. Boundaries and limits

As toddlers start to build a sense of independence, it’s natural for them to push back against boundaries and limits. (This is why “No!” might suddenly feel like your kid’s favorite word.) Remember that this is a normal part of child development—and holding your boundaries in the face of pushback actually helps establish your child’s sense of safety as they explore the world.

Parenting toddlers through big emotions

Our job as parents is to help our kids preserve their strong desires, while building the skills they need to manage and express their feelings in healthier ways. 

Why? Well, it’s good for our kids to have desire! We can’t encourage subservience and compliance in our kids when they’re young… and then expect confidence and assertiveness when they’re older. If we want our kids to be able to say “no” to peer pressure, express their needs to a partner, or ask their boss for a raise in the future, then we need to see toddler tantrums as an essential part of their development today.

Think about it: So many of us struggle to recognize what we actually want by the time we’re adults, wondering, “Wait, do I actually care about this? Or am I just doing what everyone else expects of me?” If we want to break this cycle for our kids, it starts with recognizing that our kids’ desires are healthy (yes, even the desire to have ice cream for dinner).

Now, recognizing their desires doesn’t mean fulfilling their desires. So, what does it mean? Building your kid’s emotional regulation skills starts with reframing your job during a tantrum.

How to manage toddler tantrums

When it comes to managing tantrums, your job is not to stop the tantrum. Your job is to: 1) keep yourself calm and 2) keep your child safe. That's all. 

As for the tantrum itself? It will end on its own timeline. And, over time, as you model and build healthy emotional regulation, your child’s outbursts will become less frequent and less intense. 

Let’s say your child is throwing a tantrum on a playdate. Here’s what your job looks like:

1. Keep yourself calm

When a toddler acts out of control during a tantrum, it’s because they feel out of control. They’re basically saying, “This feeling inside me… it’s too much! Please tell me that it’s not too much for you.” By staying calm, we show our kids that we can handle their big feelings… which helps them believe they can handle them, too. By keeping ourselves sturdy and grounded in tough moments, we’re actually modeling healthy emotional regulation for our kids. 

Take a few long, deep breaths and remind yourself: “Nothing is wrong with my child and nothing is wrong with me. I can cope with this.”

2. Keep your child safe

Setting firm boundaries around dangerous behavior shows our child that we will help keep them safe when they feel out of control. 

Sometimes, simply stating the boundary is enough to establish safety: “You really want that toy and I will not let you throw toys at your friend. You’re a good kid having a hard time.” 

Other times, you’ll need to physically establish the boundary. This might look like holding your toddler’s arms so they can’t throw blocks during a tantrum, or picking your child up and moving them to another room: “My number one job is to keep you safe, and right now safety means going to another room until your body is calm.”

3 key takeaways on toddler tantrums

Okay, we covered a lot of information about managing tantrums. New ideas can feel exciting… and they can also feel overwhelming! So, let’s ground ourselves in three key takeaways:

  • Toddler tantrums are a normal, healthy part of child development. 
  • Recognizing common triggers for your kid’s tantrums—like overstimulation or boundaries—can help you prepare for and reduce outbursts.
  • Your job isn’t to stop a tantrum. Your only jobs during a toddler meltdown are to stay calm and keep your child safe. 

Most importantly, remember this: You just took time out of your (very!) busy schedule to learn how to raise a confident, resilient kid. That’s amazing, and your kid is so lucky to have you as their parent.

Need more support? Good Inside can help

There’s so much more to say when it comes to parenting toddlers through tantrums and meltdowns. How do you respond when an outburst gets physical? Or when your child threatens you? What if extreme toddler tantrums last for hours?

You deserve support and practical strategies through every “What about when…?” moment. And that’s exactly why we created Good Inside. Explore our all-in-one Managing Meltdowns Program to find everything you need to reduce outbursts and increase calm inside (and outside) of your home. 

Plus, when you join Good Inside Membership, you’ll get access to our entire suite of parenting resources. Our mission is to help parents like you through every age and stage of your child’s life: From toddler tantrums to teenage defiance, we’ll help you solve current challenges and get ahead of future ones in just 5 minutes a day.

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