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Managing School Refusal in Children and Teens

What can you do if your child refuses to go to school? Learn Good Inside’s approach to getting out the door while providing emotional support to kids who experience school refusal and anxiety.

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

7 min read

Managing School Refusal in Children and Teens

Does your kid beg to stay home or outright say “I’m NOT going to school!” most mornings?

You’re not alone. School refusal in children feels hard because it is hard. And this is also true: You’re in the right place for support. 

As a parent, it makes sense if you feel frustrated or worried about managing school refusal. You might feel stuck between two extremes: Ignoring their distress and forcing them to go (which feels awful for both of you) or allowing them to stay home (which can lead to academic and behavioral consequences). 

We get it - your feelings are real and they matter! And we know that you and your kid can get through this. At Good Inside, we have a unique approach to managing school-related anxiety and school refusal - one that will both transform your child’s behavior in the short-term and strengthen your relationship with them in the long-term.

What is school refusal?

School refusal, sometimes referred to as school phobia or school avoidance, is more than “not liking school.” It involves persistent fear or anxiety about going to school.

If you find yourself thinking, “Ugh, why is my kid so lazy!” or “My kid never listens to me!”, we get it. It’s common to interpret refusing to go to school as a lack of motivation or defiance. Here’s the thing: These interpretations automatically put you and your kid on opposite teams by defining them as the problem.  

One of our core beliefs at Good Inside is that we have to understand before we intervene - and this includes understanding school reluctance. So, what’s really going on when our kids refuse to leave home for school?

5 common reasons for school refusal

School refusal can develop for a number of different reasons for different kids. Children or teens who experience school refusal may be struggling with one or more issues, such as:

The key is to remember that your child’s refusal to go to school isn’t a sign that they’re a bad kid - it’s a sign that they’re a good kid having a hard time. 

When you see it this way, you can remember that your kid’s struggles are a sign of where they need your help - not a sign of who they are. Now, instead of seeing your kid as the problem, you can put yourself and your kid on the same team against the problem. 

That’s where we come in. The next two sections include strategies for yourself and your kid, so you can work together on making it easier to get to school - all while strengthening your relationship and wiring your child with critical skills like resilience, frustration tolerance, and self-trust.

Ready to make this year your family’s sturdiest school year yet? Our School Challenges Toolkit has solutions for every scenario - from school refusal to bullying and more.

5 parenting strategies for school anxiety and refusal

Here are five steps to managing school refusal:

1. Be a sturdy leader

The first step to supporting your child with school refusal? Supporting yourself. When our kids are dysregulated and anxious, they need a parent who is regulated, calm, and confident. 

Imagine you’re on a plane with intense turbulence. Passengers are freaking out! Now, do you want a pilot who starts worrying in return (“AH! Stop screaming! You’re scaring me!”) … or do you want a pilot who validates your fear and stays in control of the plane (“I know this is scary, and I know we can fly through this”)? We’re guessing you prefer the second pilot, right?

2. Connect to your kid

When it comes to school refusal or any other parenting struggle, a strong relationship with your kid is your most important parenting tool. 

Work on establishing trust and connection with your child outside of difficult moments. Play video games together, take a walk, eat ice cream - whatever works. If connection feels hard to build, keep trying. We promise, your efforts matter.

Well, our kids want the same thing: sturdy leadership. A sturdy leader is someone who can see and validate a child’s feelings, without letting those feelings overwhelm them or change their decisions. That’s right: You can care about your kid’s resistance to school, you can acknowledge their fears, anxieties, and feelings… AND you can still decide that they are going to school. 

Tell yourself, “My child’s struggles are not a barometer of my parenting. I am a good parent with a good kid having a hard time.”

3. Identify Triggers

How can you and your child get on the same team and define the problem, together? Get curious about your child’s struggle. 

For example, you might explore specific triggers that contribute to their anxiety about school. Ask your kid, “Hmm, I wonder… What does the lunch room feel like? I remember my cafeteria… Oh boy, was it loud at times! Hmm, what about recess? What’s that like? Oh, it’s not fun? I wonder why… I know it can feel hard to figure out which crowd to hang with at times… I felt that way at school when I was your age, too.” 

Brainstorm with your child what they can do if those triggers come up. After all, your goal isn’t to remove triggers, your goal is to help your kid build the skills they need to cope with school-related stress and anxiety. This difference is massive in helping your kid move from a state of avoidance and anxiety to a state of resilience and capability.

4. Validate

Acknowledge and validate your child’s emotions and experiences, while holding hope that this will get better with time. Use language like:

  • “I believe you… and I know this won’t be forever.”
  • “Something about school feels terrible to you right now.”
  • “I know this is hard and I know we’re going to get through this together.” 

The more you allow their feelings to exist, the less overpowering they become. When we show our kids that we aren’t afraid of their school-related concerns, they actually start to become less afraid, too.

5. Hold boundaries - and start small

Validating your child’s feelings and struggles doesn’t mean letting them “get away with” school refusal. It means acknowledging that this feels hard for them and holding hope that they can do hard things. That’s where holding firm boundaries comes in. 

This might sound like:

  • “I know going to school feels hard right now, and I know you can do hard things. We are going to leave for school now.”
  • “I believe that you don’t want to go to school. And we are still going to school today.”
  • “You can be upset with me for taking you to school. You’re allowed you’re upset - part of my job is to make decisions that I think are best for you, even when you disagree with me.”

Depending on your kid and their intensity of refusal, you may want to gradually expose your child to school-related stimuli in a controlled and supportive environment to help reduce their anxiety and build self-trust - such as taking short visits to the school, planning occasional half-days, or meeting with teachers or counselors in a controlled setting. Staying connected to peers and other people in school will increase feelings of safety within that environment.

Manage school refusal with help from Good Inside

There are so many more questions when it comes to managing school refusal - and you don’t need to find the answers alone. A personalized approach is often necessary and essential for change to happen. Finding the right type of support and guidance can make all the difference.  

That’s exactly why we created Good Inside. Our School Challenges Toolkit has solutions for every scenario - from school refusal to bullying to academic challenges - to make this your sturdiest year yet. 

Join today to access personalized support, a 24/7 chatbot, regular sessions with Good Inside-trained parent coaches, live workshops and events, a community of parents who get it, and so much more.

Frequently asked questions

What are the signs of school refusal in children?

If mornings feel like a meltdown waiting to happen - complaints of stomachaches, refusal to get dressed, tears (yours and theirs!) - you’re not alone. But school refusal in children doesn’t always look like a loud and firm “no.” Sometimes it’s quiet: headaches, anxiety before bed, or a sudden drop in grades. It’s easy to think your kid is being difficult or dramatic. The truth is that they’re showing you where something feels really hard for them. And when we shift from “What’s wrong with my kid?” to “What’s happening for my kid?”, we can intervene so much more effectively. 


How can I support a child with school refusal without making things worse?

This is the tightrope so many of us walk: We don’t want to push our kids too hard or let them opt out completely. The truth? You can do both - you can be compassionate and hold boundaries. That might sound like, “I know school feels scary right now, and I am still taking you to school today.” Managing school refusal isn’t about snapping your fingers and fixing it. It’s about being the sturdy presence your child can lean on while they build the tools to cope.


Should I let my child stay home if they have school anxiety?

Short answer? It depends. And if you’re unsure, you’re not doing anything wrong - this is a really hard call. Sometimes staying home helps kids reset and regroup. Other times, it makes things harder the next day. A good guiding question is: Will staying home help my child feel more capable next time? If not, it might be time for a small, doable step toward school - with your support. 


When should I seek professional help for school refusal?

If school refusal is stretching into weeks - or if it’s creating constant stress in your home - it’s time to seek more support. This might mean looping in a school counselor, therapist, or a Good Inside parent coach who gets what you're going through. You’re not failing if you can’t figure this out alone - you’re a good parent with a good kid who needs help with something big. You deserve support. Just like we want our kids to ask for help when they need it… parents get to do that, too.

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