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Kids’ Phone Safety: 5 Steps for Handling Concerning Messages

Worried about what your child is seeing on their phone? Learn practical strategies for maintaining digital safety for children online - including what to do when you find something inappropriate.

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

12 min read

Kids’ Phone Safety: 5 Steps for Handling Concerning Messages

Intro

As a parent, you care about your kid’s phone safety. So, what happens when you find something concerning on your kid’s phone? Whether you’re using monitoring apps for kids, or simply ask to see their device time to time, it’s shocking to find information you didn’t expect:

A suggestive photo from an unknown number. 

A group chat making fun of another kid.

An inappropriate website in their search history.

You’re not alone if your first instinct is to panic, yell, or immediately take the phone away.  Here’s the thing: These strategies can actually cause our kids to feel defensive and ashamed - which leads kids to hide information from us in the future, and ultimately works against keeping them safe.

So, what can you do instead? At Good Inside, we know how overwhelming it can be to raise kids in a rapidly shifting digital age - and, deep breath, we know how to help. Whether you’re concerned about online stranger danger, cyberbullying, or general digital safety for children, our approach will help your family navigate screens and social media with more confidence and calm. The best part? These strategies won’t just improve your kid’s phone safety - it will help your child feel comfortable talking to you about other tricky topics in the future.

Big Idea: You’re Raising a Good Kid in a Tricky Digital World

One of our core beliefs at Good Inside is that we have to understand before we intervene. So, first things first: What’s really going on when a kid sends, searches for, or accidentally discovers inappropriate content?

The truth is that screens and social media are part of how our tweens and teens explore the world - and this desire to explore is healthy. As our kids approach adolescence, it’s developmentally appropriate for them to be curious, experiment with identity, and test boundaries. Given that so much of the modern world lives online, adolescent exploration is no longer just about staying out past curfew in “the real world” - it’s now about clicking links they don’t understand or searching for mature or sexual content. 

Now, let’s be clear: Understanding that online exploration is developmentally appropriate doesn’t mean we should ignore it or let it “slide.” It does mean we can respond based on understanding, not reactivity: Our kids and teens aren’t trying to be “bad” - they’re good kids growing up in a digital reality that’s way more complex than it was for previous generations.

5 steps to talk about concerning content on a phone

Once we see our kids as good kids navigating a tricky digital world, we can intervene much more effectively. From inappropriate memes to conversations with strangers, here are five steps to approaching your kid or teen about unsafe content.  

1. Ground yourself

Pause. Deep breath. You got a glimpse into your kid’s behavior - not the whole story.

It makes sense if you feel concerned, scared, or surprised - and this is also true: Reacting in the heat of the moment will likely lead your child to shut down before a conversation even starts. Tell yourself:

“This is a glimpse into my kid’s behavior, not the whole story. I have a good kid, I’m a good parent, and we will figure this out together.”

2. Be upfront

Here’s a key strategy when it comes to screens and so much more: Don’t ask a question if you already know the answer. There’s no need for a “gotcha” situation. Trying to catch your kid in a lie will likely just put you on opposite teams right from the start. Instead, approach your kid or teen with a same-team mindset. 

How do you do this? Wait for a quiet, calm moment with your kid and then bring up the situation directly:

"Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something. I found an inappropriate text on your phone. This isn’t about ‘being in trouble’ - this is about us figuring this out together. I want to talk to you about what I saw, how I found it, and understand what’s going on for you.”

3. Get curious

When we start conversations with our kids about digital safety - from cyberbullying to online stranger danger to inappropriate content - it can be easy to slip into lecture mode: “How did you do this?” “Shouldn’t you know better?” “We’ve talked about this a million times!”

Remember: Criticism and judgment are the quickest path to ending a conversation, especially with tweens and teens. (They often interpret things as judgmental even when parents have positive intentions!) And the whole point of this conversation is to open up discussions and increase safety. So, lead with curiosity as much as possible. You might say:

“I know this might feel awkward or hard to talk about, and I know we can talk about hard things. My job as your parent is to support you and keep you safe - not to shame or judge you. So, can you help me understand what led to this?”

By being genuinely curious, you show your child that it’s safe to talk to you - even about hard or uncomfortable things. That’s essential not just for this moment, but for every digital safety conversation going forward.

4. Discuss and adjust boundaries

Finding something inappropriate is a sign to revisit your family’s boundaries around devices. Remember: Boundaries aren’t something you do to a child, they’re something you do for a child. (That’s the difference between boundaries and punishments.) This might look like limiting usage, installing parental controls on phones, or removing specific apps.

And if this incident is making you realize you’ve never talked about your kid’s phone safety before? That’s okay - it’s never too late to start talking about digital safety, screen time management, and phone privacy for kids.

We’ve got you! Join membership to access Good Inside’s Phone Contract and set age-appropriate expectations around digital safety, privacy, and usage.

Here’s how to bring up changes with your kid: 

“Hey - I want to talk to you about something important that I wish I had brought up earlier. There are different parental controls on phones and monitoring apps for kids that I’m going to start using on your device. I understand if you feel surprised or angry, because this is new information. You’re allowed to feel that way and it is not up for discussion. This isn’t because I don’t trust you. It’s because my number one job is to keep you safe - and, sometimes, safety means having access to your device.”

5. Build long-term trust

After tough and tricky conversations, it’s helpful to reiterate to our kids that their safety is our top priority - and part of safety is feeling loved and connected. You can do this by restating your boundaries, while emphasizing how much you value your relationship:

“One of my jobs is to make decisions that keep you safe. And another one of my jobs is to be there for you even when you break those boundaries or disagree with my decisions. This is not my way of saying anything goes - it’s my way of saying that even when you make decisions I don’t approve of, I still approve of you. I still care about you. And I’m always on your team. Does that make sense?”

That’s the message that builds long-term trust and emotional resilience: I’m here. I care. We’ll figure this out together.

Need more support navigating phones and devices?

There’s so much more to say when it comes to safety on screens. What do you need to know about kids and social media? How do you respond if your child keeps breaking boundaries?

You deserve support and practical strategies through every “What about when…?” moment. And that’s exactly why we created Good Inside. Our workshop on How to Give Your Kid a Phone is tailored specifically for parents of tweens and teens - and gives you all of the tools you need to set boundaries, build safety, and maintain trust.

Plus, when you join Good Inside Membership, you’ll get access to our 24/7 chatbot, a community of parents who get it, trained coaches, a library of resources, and so much more. You don’t have to figure this out alone. We’re in this with you - through every age and stage of your parenting journey.

Frequently asked questions

What should I do if I find something inappropriate on my child’s phone?

Start by grounding yourself. Take a deep breath and remember that you’re seeing a part of the story, not the whole story. It makes sense if you feel concerned, scared, or surprised - and this is also true: Reacting in the heat of the moment will likely shut your child down before the conversation even starts.

How can I adjust boundaries after finding concerning content on my kid’s phone?

Use the moment as an opportunity to revisit your family’s phone rules. That might include setting clearer limits, removing apps, or establishing expectations around privacy and usage. And if you haven’t set boundaries before, it’s never too late - start the conversation now and consider creating a phone contract together.

How can I prevent my child from finding inappropriate content online?

While no system is foolproof, there are steps you can take to reduce exposure. Tools like parental controls on phones, content filters, and screen time management settings are helpful. However, the most important thing is to help your child feel safe coming to you when they do find disturbing or inappropriate content - while we can’t control everything our kids see in the world, we can control building the type of relationship where they feel safe coming to us in the trickiest moments. 


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