View All Articles

How to Share the Parenting Mental Load

Tired of being the “default” parent? Learn practical strategies for talking about the mental load with your partner and reducing parental stress.

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

7 min read

How to Share the Parenting Mental Load

When we become parents, the increased mental load can take us by surprise. It doesn’t help that so many day-to-day parenting tasks feel completely “invisible” to others—even our own partners! Without clear communication, the bulk of the mental load can easily fall on just one person—leading to frustration, resentment, and burnout. 

If you’re stuck in this dynamic with your partner, you’re not alone. Research shows how unfair divisions of domestic labor, especially across gender lines, hurt parents’ relationships. The good news? With the right framework and strategies, you can sustainably balance the mental load, reduce everyone’s parental stress, and feel more connected to each other. 

Good Inside can help you get there. We’re dedicated to giving parents like you the knowledge and tools you need to raise confident, resilient kids—and our approach focuses just as much on the people behind the parenting as the kids behind the behavior. In this article, we’ll walk through how we think about the mental load and equip you with practical strategies to build a sturdier home for your whole family.

Understanding the mental load

The parenting mental load is all of the emotional and cognitive labor that goes into caring for a family and a home. While the mental load—sometimes called the “invisible load” or “worry work”—is just one part of domestic labor, it’s often the trickiest part because it happens internally. Your mental load might include:

  • Keeping track of the family calendar
  • Researching options for new kids’ clothes, activities, school supplies, etc.
  • Noticing when things need to be cleaned
  • Remembering birthdays and anniversaries
  • Keeping track of household inventory (e.g., replenishing diapers, toilet paper, etc.)
  • Planning meals and making grocery lists
  • Checking-in with family and friends

The mental load of motherhood

The mental load—without even considering the “visible” tasks of parenting—is almost equivalent to a full-time job. Parents spend 30.4 hours a week coordinating family schedules and household tasks. And, as research shows time and time again, it’s work that primarily falls on women and mothers.

An unbalanced mental load isn’t your fault, and it’s not your partner’s fault. There are many larger sociological and structural issues that contribute to this issue—especially when it comes to the disproportionate mental load of motherhood. While Good Inside believes parenting is the most important job in the world, the unfortunate truth is that society at large doesn’t recognize it as a job. Instead, people have relied for decades and decades on the unpaid labor of parents. 

Hear more about Mothering As Social Change on the Good Inside Podcast

Two things are true: We need major policy changes to reduce parental stress and we need individual changes inside our homes. After all, when you challenge the norm inside of your home, you start to change the norm outside of your home, too. When you shift the dynamics in your family, you contribute to shifting the dynamics for all families.

3 strategies for sharing the mental load

So, how do you turn this idea into action, and actually begin sharing the mental load in your home? Here’s the first step to reducing parental stress and improving your relationship with your partner.

1. Make the invisible visible

Noticing and planning the division of labor is 90% of the equation to balancing the mental load. Actually doing the labor? That’s 10%. Write down your common household tasks and who does them. Maybe your partner goes to the grocery store. Okay… then consider:

  • Who knows what each family member likes or dislikes? 
  • Who looked at what you have in the fridge or pantry? 
  • Who planned the meals? 
  • Who made the list? And who took the inventory at home to know what went on the list? 
  • Who problem-solves a different option if something’s out of stock? 

All of those tasks are the “invisible” part. Your partner thinks they’re helping—and they are!—but they’re not aware of all of the invisible work that leads up to it. And that’s because you’re doing it for them. The key idea here: So much of parenting and domestic labor is invisible, so we need to make it visible. 

Want more actionable strategies for balancing the mental load? Check out Good Inside’s Partnerships Workshop.

2. Manage guilt

As you start to share the mental load, it will probably feel uncomfortable. You will probably notice some guilt creeping in: “Ooh, I left my partner with too much to do.” Maybe they’re taking your five-year-old to a birthday party while you get lunch with a friend and you find yourself wondering: Did they get the right gift? Should I help them out? Do they have the address? I should jump in, I feel so guilty. 

The thing is, there are two kinds of guilt: Guilt we feel for not acting in accordance with our values and “guilt” we feel that’s actually someone else’s disappointment.

So, ask yourself: “Is my guilt a result of acting out of line with my values? Or am I actually taking on my partner’s disappointment or discomfort?” More often than not, it’s the latter. 

Looking for strategies to recognize and manage “guilt”? We created a Guilt vs. Not-Guilt Guide for exactly that reason in Good Inside Membership.

3. Tolerate your partner doing things differently

Here’s another challenging part of sharing the mental load: Tolerating the uncomfortable feeling of your partner doing something differently than you would do it. 

Maybe you’re thinking, “Dr. Becky, it’s not just different… it’s not as good!” I hear you. Maybe think of it as tolerating the discomfort of your partner getting something done in a way that isn’t as efficient or effective—in your mind—as how you would do it. 

Let’s say your partner starts doing bedtime on certain days and you find yourself thinking, “I always read two books to our kid before bed. Now that my partner is doing bedtime, they sing a song and don’t do any books. I have to remind them to read!” Catch yourself if these thoughts come up and remember what’s most important: “My partner is connecting with our kid. My partner is getting bedtime done.”

3 key takeaways

Okay, we covered a lot of information about managing the mental load. New ideas can feel exciting… and they can also feel overwhelming! So, let’s ground ourselves in three key takeaways:

  • We all play a part in addressing the mental load gap. By challenging the norms inside of our home, we can start to change the norms outside of our homes, too. 
  • Sharing the mental load starts with seeing it clearly. When you and your partner recognize all of the invisible labor that goes into raising kids, you can start to work toward a more balanced, supportive partnership.
  • Practice letting go of perfection. If your partner does something “differently,” that doesn't mean they’re doing it "wrong." 

Most importantly, remember this: You just took time out of your (very!) busy schedule to reflect on your partnership. That’s amazing, and your kid is so lucky to have you as their parent.

Build a stronger relationship with Good Inside

No matter what place you’re in now—trying to get ahead of the mental load problem, constantly nudging your spouse to do things, or silently fuming at being the one who “just gets it done”—we can help get you to a better place. 

Our Partnerships Program will give you the knowledge and tools you need to transform your relationship. Plus, when you join Good Inside Membership, you’ll get access to our entire suite of parenting resources. From setting boundaries to managing anxiety to navigating tantrums, we’ll help you solve current challenges—and get ahead of future ones—in just 5 minutes a day.

Yes, Good Inside is a parenting company… and it’s also so much more. I truly believe the most powerful thing about our approach is how it helps you show up as a sturdier person—not just a parent or a partner—in every area of your life.

Become the parent you want to be

Workshops for Every Problem

Most people come to us because there is a “fire” in their home. Our workshops are designed to contain that fire. And they work – every single time.

Strategies & Scripts for Every Situation
An Actual Parenting Village
Live Events with Dr. Becky & Expert Partners
Become a member