How to Get Kids to Listen Without Yelling or Power Struggles
Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist
11 min read
Intro
Are you constantly repeating requests, wondering “Why doesn’t my toddler listen to me?” Do you have a kid who always seems to push back, or a tween who communicates solely with sarcasm and eye rolls?
It can feel exhausting, even infuriating, when your kid dismisses or ignores your requests. You’re not alone if you’ve tried asking nicely, counting to ten, or doling out punishments and nothing seems to work. The good news: There’s another way.
At Good Inside, we understand the root of listening problems - and we know exactly how to reduce power struggles with kids and increase cooperation. The best part? Our unique approach on how to get kids to listen will not only improve your kid’s behavior, it will also strengthen your relationship with your child for years to come.
A big idea about listening
One of our core beliefs at Good Inside is that we have to understand before we intervene. So, what’s really going on when kids don’t listen to us?
Well, let’s start by considering when kids do listen to us. Imagine you’re in the kitchen, and your child is sitting on the couch watching a show. If you say, “Sweetie, time for ice cream!”, there’s a pretty good chance they’ll pause the show and run to meet you.
Now, let’s say you’re in a similar situation, but instead of serving dessert, you’re trying to leave for soccer practice. Your kid is sitting on the couch watching a show. If you say, “Sweetie, time to put on your shoes!”... will they come running like they did for ice cream? Probably not. What gives?
The truth is listening is rarely about actual listening skills for kids. Listening is about cooperation. When we say, “My kid doesn’t listen!”, we’re really saying: “My kid doesn’t cooperate when I ask them to do something they don’t want to do.”
Why do kids struggle to cooperate?
When we reframe listening as cooperation, it leads to a total mindset shift around parent-child communication. Instead of seeing your kid as a bad kid who never listens, you can see your kid as a good kid having a hard time cooperating. The question now becomes: Why do kids sometimes struggle to cooperate? And what strategies can parents use to help?
Here are three reasons kids may struggle to cooperate (or listen) in certain situations over others.
1. Brain development
Think about your most common “Ugh, my kid isn’t listening!” moments. Our guess? It’s usually when your kid is in the middle of something they enjoy, and you ask them to do something they don’t want to do.
That’s because our kids’ brains operate in the here-and-now; they’re still developing the ability to “turn off” short-term satisfaction in favor of long-term benefit. The prefrontal cortex - which controls things like inhibition, planning, decision making, and emotional regulation - doesn’t fully develop until age 25. No wonder our kids are more likely to keep playing outside than come inside to clean their room, right?
The good news: We can show you how to build your kid’s executive functioning skills, so they learn to balance what feels good now with what will benefit them in the long-term.
2. Desire for independence
Imagine being told when to wake up, what to eat, what to wear, where to go, how to behave, and what to say until you’re told when to go to sleep. Tough, right? Well, that’s the life of a kid, especially when they’re young. Over time, it’s developmentally appropriate for them to crave more autonomy in their lives.
Of course, this means kids sometimes try to assert their independence at inconvenient times… like when we ask them to put on a helmet or brush their teeth. The solution? Good Inside has tons of tools and strategies for giving kids an age-appropriate sense of independence, so they’re less likely to seek control when parents need cooperation.
3. Lack of connection
Connection is the “currency” of our relationships with our kids. Parents gain “connection capital” every time we offer support without solutions, focus on the process over the outcome, or show up with a calm, loving presence. But we’re also big spenders: We spend “connection capital” every time we ask our child to do something they don’t want to do, set boundaries, or make decisions they don’t like.
That’s why building connection is the number one most effective strategy for increasing cooperation and reducing power struggles - the more capital we have “in the bank,” so to speak, the more we can spend without straining the parent-child relationship.
How to get kids to listen in daily life
Our go-to Good Inside strategy to improve listening: Connect first, ask second. When you take a moment to enter your child’s world, it makes them feel seen - and makes it easier for them to stop what they’re doing to join your world.
Here are a few scripts for what this strategy looks like in real life:
- “Wow, you’ve been working so hard on that tower. I know it’s going to be a bit tricky to pause and take a bath. If we do a quick bath now, you will still have time to build before bed.”
- “I know it’s so hard to end play dates because you’ve been having so much fun. We have to leave now, AND Kate’s mom and I can set up your next playdate really soon.”
- “You’re having so much fun playing with blocks. Blocks are so fun! UGHHH, and it’s time for a bath now. I know it’s hard to stop playing - playing is the best. Let’s see if we can have some fun in the bath, and then snuggle with some books. We can play blocks tomorrow.”
Looking for more strategies and scripts for listening? Check out our podcast episode, “The #1 Question Parents Ask: Why Won’t My Kids Listen?”
What if I yell at my kid for “not listening”?
If you’ve yelled at your kid, you are not a bad parent. You are a good parent dealing with real emotions, real stress, and real responsibilities. And you’re not alone: Every parent has moments where they lose it! We have a simple 15-second strategy that will help you transform your relationship with your kid (and everyone around you - including yourself!) after these tricky moments.
The strategy is called “repair.” At Good Inside, we believe deeply in the power of repair. It’s how we model loving, secure relationships - showing our kids that every relationship has tricky moments, and after a tricky moment, people can always come back together. Repair after yelling might sound like:
- “I was feeling frustrated earlier. It wasn’t okay that I yelled, and I’m working on managing my big feelings. I love you.”
If you’re struggling with shame or self-criticism for past parenting moments, it’s never too late to repair. Good parents don’t get it right all of the time. Good parents reflect, grow, and learn.
3 key takeaways on improving listening
Okay, we covered a lot of information about how to get kids to listen. New ideas can feel exciting… and they can also feel overwhelming! So, let’s ground ourselves in three key takeaways:
- Listening isn’t really about listening. It’s about cooperation.
- Connection is the foundation of cooperation. The more “connection capital” you build, the more likely your child is to listen.
- Every parent loses their cool sometimes, especially when it comes to listening. Use repair to reconnect with your kid after tough moments.
Most importantly, remember this: You just took time out of your (very!) busy schedule to learn about listening and how to improve parent-child communication. That’s amazing, and your kid is so lucky to have you as their parent.
Need more support on listening? Good Inside can help
There’s so much more to say when it comes to improving listening. What if your kid only “listens” to one parent? How can you respond when your kid’s “not listening” becomes a safety concern?
You deserve support and practical strategies through every “What about when…?” moment. And that’s exactly why we created Good Inside. Explore all of our resources on listening, including our parenting workshop “How Do I get My Kid to Listen? to find everything you need to reduce power struggles and increase cooperation in your family.
Plus, when you join Good Inside Membership, you’ll get access to our entire suite of parenting resources. Our mission is to help parents like you through every age and stage of your child’s life: From listening to defiance to screentime struggles, we’ll help you solve current challenges and get ahead of future ones.
Frequently asked questions
Why won’t my child listen to me unless I yell?
You’re not alone if it feels like your child only listens when you yell. The truth? Yelling can jolt kids into reacting in the moment - but it rarely leads to lasting change because it doesn't address the fundamental problem. The truth is listening isn’t about listening - it’s about cooperation. At Good Inside, we focus on strengthening parent-child communication and building skills - so your child is both more willing and capable of cooperating when you ask them to do something.
How can I get my toddler to listen without power struggles?
If you’re wondering how to get your toddler to listen without yelling or bribes, a key strategy is to “connect first, ask second.” Try entering your child’s world before making a request - comment on what they’re doing, make eye contact, and then give a clear direction. This eases transitions, reduces resistance, and increases the chances your child will cooperate without pushback.
What should I do when my kid ignores me?
If your child is ignoring you, it doesn’t mean they’re a “bad” kid, it means they’re having a hard time with cooperation in that moment. Try to find the most generous interpretation of their behavior. Ask yourself, “Hmm, why might my child have a hard time cooperating right now? Are they feeling seen? Are they distracted?” Usually, a kid who’s “not listening” is actually overwhelmed, disconnected, or focused on something important to them. At Good Inside, we teach parents how to get kids to listen by strengthening your relationship - not increasing your volume.
Is it normal for kids to not listen sometimes?
Yes! Not listening is a completely appropriate part of child development. Kids are still learning how to regulate their emotions, shift their attention, and manage transitions. When we understand “not listening” as a sign that a child is missing skills - not misbehaving - we can intervene more effectively.
How do I apologize after I yell at my child for not listening?
Even when you’re trying to avoid yelling, no parent is perfect. Yelling happens - and when it does, you can always reconnect through “repair.” At Good Inside, repair is more than an apology: It’s an acknowledgement of your child’s experience and a commitment to change. A repair might sound like: “I was feeling overwhelmed earlier today, and it wasn’t okay that I yelled. That was probably really scary for you. I want you to know that I’m working on staying calm, and I love you.” Repair teaches kids that healthy relationships can withstand tricky moments.
