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Family Jobs: What They Are and Why They Matter

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Vacations with kids can often feel like, well, the opposite of a vacation. Here’s the good news: we know how to make them more manageable. Yes, traveling with kids can be hard AND there is so much we can do in advance to make it just a little bit easier. 
<h3>1. Establish Realistic Expectations:</h3>
The first thing to remember is this: Vacations can be overwhelming for kids. 

Vacation often means a new schedule, different sleeping arrangements, unfamiliar food, and new surroundings. All of this change and constant stimulation can make kids feel out of control on the inside, which often leads to them acting out of control on the outside.

An Establish Realistic Expectations intervention might look like setting a reminder on your phone daily the week before your vacation that says: “There will be challenging moments on my vacation AND I will be able to cope” or talking to a partner in advance and saying, “Hey, just thinking… on our trip - that we’re so excited about - our kids will still have their arguments and meltdowns and whines and rude words. Ugh.  Annoying and I know we’ll deal with it - and talking about it in advance is helpful I think!”
<h3>2. Remove the Surprise:</h3>
Emotions are hard enough to deal with - being surprised by an emotion is that much harder. The element of surprise is often what causes an emotional outburst, as a child feels caught off-guard and overwhelmed. 

When we prepare in advance for what something might feel like, a child is able to experience a feeling without being overwhelmed by the surprise of the feeling. This allows our kids to more easily access coping skills and good decision making.

For example, let’s say you know that there will be some new food on the trip that your child won’t want to eat. A Remove the Surprise intervention might sound something like this, “What if we are on vacation and someone offers you a food you don’t like? What do you think you could say?”  or “Ohhhhh I’m thinking about the hotel bedroom! What if the bed doesn’t feel the same? What if the pillows aren’t mushy or the sheet is a bit less soft?”
<h3>3. Know Your Job:</h3>
As parents, our job is two fold: set boundaries and show empathy. Boundaries are the decisions we make to keep our children safe. Empathy enables us to see our kid's feelings as real even if we don’t agree with them or experience them ourselves. 

For example, let’s say you’ve been waiting in the security line at the airport for a while. Your child starts to get impatient and maybe even tries to kick you in frustration. A Know Your Job intervention might sound something like, "I'm not going to let you kick me. I know you're frustrated. Waiting here is so… well, NOT fun. Ugh it stinks. I know.” 
<h3>4. VPH: Validation, Presence, Hope:</h3>
When your child is feeling anxious or nervous, remember these three things: Validate their feelings, assert your presence, and express hope in getting through the hard time. 

For example, if your child is nervous about flying, a VPH intervention might sound like: "I hear you, you're nervous, and that makes sense because flying is something we don’t do so often. I'll be with you the whole time, and we're going to get through this together." Then, remind your child that you believe in their ability to cope by saying, “Here’s something else I know: This is hard and you are a kid who can do hard things.”
<h3>5. Permission to Say Yes:</h3>
Family vacations aren’t perfect. There will still be moments where your kid throws a tantrum even after you’ve tried to validate their feelings. There will be moments your kids argue even though you want them to get along perfectly and appreciate the trip they’re on. Give yourself permission to take a break, to get the ice cream that will stop your child’s meltdown or let your kid stay up late - rather than trying to hold the same boundaries you hold at home or deliver some perfect script. A Permission to Say Yes intervention might sound like this, “Sure, you can have gummy bears with breakfast” or “Yup, sure, watch that extra show.”

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It can be hard to know what to say when your kid says something like, "Daddy was mean to me!" or "Mommy pushed me!" or "You hurt my feelings!"

We need to start by differentiating your child's words from your child's experience.

After all, their words are accusatory and they blame others.  If we accept them as truth, not only do we feel awful, but we miss helping our children with what they really need help with—seeing their feelings (even their painful ones!) as their own. And not as something someone else "did" to them. 

This can be hard for adults too. It’s why adults are more likely to say, "I can’t believe you didn’t invite me to your dinner," versus "I felt left out and sad. I wanted to share that with you.”

So, what is your child's experience underneath those hurtful words? Vulnerable feelings. Under "Daddy was mean to me" could be a feeling of overwhelm. Under "Mommy pushed me!" is probably "I was out of control and needed boundaries, and yes, I'm glad someone set them, but also, that whole thing just felt scary." Under "You hurt my feelings" is...well, hurt feelings.

I wouldn't try to explain this to your child. You don't want to say, "You tend to accuse me of things when you're feeling vulnerable because it’s easier for you to think about others putting painful experiences into your body rather than thinking about the painful feelings themselves." But, while you're not saying this explicitly, knowing this will make it easier for you as a parent.

The goal, which happens slowly and over time, is to help our kids move from seeing their internal experience as a set of feelings that others are causing to a set of feelings that are their own.

Painful feelings can feel so unraveling and powerful that it feels safer to imagine these feelings being "put into” a child rather than living inside them. But we know that these feelings, while painful, aren't dangerous… they can live in your child... and this is really at the core of what we are trying to help them with.

Now, let's zoom back into the moment. What can you say in response to "Daddy pushed me!" or "Mommy was mean to me!"? Let’s go over three steps, and then I’ll share an example:

How to Validate Your Child’s Experience without Confirming an Exact Story:
<ol>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Name what didn’t feel good to your child.</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Validate your child’s feelings. Let them know you believe them.</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Stay focused on your child rather than the adult or person they blame.</li>
</ol>
Here are some examples:
<ul>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">"You had some tricky moments with Daddy last night. They didn't feel good to you. I believe you."</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">"When Mommy said you couldn’t watch TV... it didn't feel that good to you. I know. I believe you." </li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">If your child rails back, "Yes, because he pushed me!" or "Yes, because she was mean to me!" I would say back, "You know it felt bad. I know it felt bad for you, too."</li>
</ul>
I'm not taking the bait. I'm not arguing or pushing back. I'm not saying, "That's not true!" or "That's not what happened.” Instead, I’m shifting my child’s gaze from outside (others hurting them) to inside (looking at their own feelings).

Trust these small interventions. They don’t lead to change overnight, but you are building your child’s capacity to move away from blame and to, instead, tolerate the uncomfortable feelings in their bodies.

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This outline is designed to guide you through the <a href="https://www.goodinside.com/workshop/2507/building-resilience-frustration-tolerance/view/">Building Resilience and Improving Frustration Tolerance in Children Workshop</a>. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas. 



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This outline is designed to guide you through the <a href="https://www.goodinside.com/workshop/1527/build-confidence-in-kids/view/">Confidence from the Inside Out Workshop</a>. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas.&nbsp;



<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" download="" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/Confidence-Workshop-Outline.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Download Outline</a>

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Here’s the truth: There’s no right way to talk to our kids about tough topics. I’m a big fan of the mantra, “truth over comfort,” meaning, in my family, we prioritize talking about things that are true over talking about things that are comfortable. Having said this, I certainly won’t have the same conversation with my 4-year-old as I will with my 10-year-old.



I always try to keep this foundational idea in mind: Information doesn’t scare kids as much as “being in the dark'' scares kids. If no one talks to a child and gives them context and a story to understand, well, this is more terrifying to a child than sitting with an adult who explains things to them.&nbsp;



And while there is no one right way to talk about tough topics with kids, there are guidelines we can keep in mind:



<ol><li>Don't just "jump in." Do start slow.</li></ol>



<ul><li>Start with, "I want to talk about something serious that we'll all have big feelings about."</li><li>Talk slowly and make eye contact; this maintains connection and helps a child feel safer.</li></ul>



<ol start="2"><li>Don't be vague. Do use real words.</li></ol>



<ul><li>It's important to tell the truth. Using actual words around death, loss, and trauma builds trust.</li><li>When we avoid hard topics, our children absorb our anxiety about the "things that we aren’t talking about"; this makes them more fearful.</li></ul>



<ol start="3"><li>Don't just stick to the facts. Do check in with their feelings.</li></ol>



<ul><li>Pause at various points and ask, "What's this like to talk about?" It's okay if your child remains silent. You can share, "I know, it's heavy stuff."</li><li>If your child becomes upset, give permission for the feeling and name your presence: "It's okay to feel sad about it. I'm right here with you."</li></ul>



<ol start="4"><li>Don't feel you need to have all the answers. Do learn together–over time.</li></ol>



<ul><li>Feel free to say, "Great question. I don't know. Let's look into it together."</li><li>You can also say, "We can keep talking about this. It’s important we do because I'm sure you will have questions or more feelings may come up."</li></ul>



<ol start="5"><li>Don't make it "neat" and "tied up." Do tolerate the discomfort.</li></ol>



<ul><li>It's okay to cry. You can say, "Our tears tell us that our body has an important reaction. That makes sense given what we're talking about."</li><li>It's okay to be uncomfortable. Remind yourself that discomfort is a sign of doing something new, not doing something wrong.</li></ul>



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A “growth mindset” is the belief that skills and qualities can be cultivated through effort and perseverance.



Children who endorse a growth mindset aren't afraid to stick with challenges because they believe that struggling is part of the learning process. In the opposite mindset, a fixed mindset, children believe that failures are evidence of inferiority and so they are hesitant to stick with hard things.



Parents have a critical role in whether their children endorse a growth or fixed mindset. One strategy to start using is this: Start proclaiming Growth Mindset family values, then reference them in moments of struggle or challenge (both your moments and your kids' moments).



<ol><li>In our family, we love to be challenged.</li><li>In our family, how hard we work is more important than coming up with the right answer.</li><li>In our family, we know that not knowing sits next to learning something new. We love learning new things, so we embrace “I don't know" moments.</li><li>In our family, we try to remember that sticking with something hard makes our brains grow. And we're big into brain growth.</li></ol>



Speak about these values often, especially when you've made a "mistake" or don't know something. I've been known to act out Growth Mindset while cooking ("Ugh... I think I messed up this recipe! Well, it was a new one and definitely challenged me... and in our family, we do love to be challenged... I learned how to make it better for the next time so that's pretty awesome!"), when playing games (”Scattegories is so hard for me! There’s just something about this game that doesn’t come easily... well, in our family, we love to be challenged and so, yes, let’s play Scattegories. I’m up for a challenge tonight!”), and when talking about my day at work (”There’s something we just haven’t figured out yet at work... I’m still in that ‘I don’t know’ phase! Ugh it’s tough to be there!”).



Start struggling more around your child. Instead of opening a PlayDoh easily, struggle with your own as your child tries his. Instead of tying your shoes quickly, make a mistake and then try again. Instead of answering your child’s questions, share a question you’re not sure about and look up the answer together.



These Growth Mindset Family Values are critical in helping your child around her school work while she's at home. When kids endorse growth mindset, they become able to talk themselves through tough math problems, they read paragraphs over and over to make sure they understand correctly, and they aren't afraid to start a writing assignment that they know will take them a long time.

4 Family Values That Foster a Growth Mindset

I get asked all of the time, “Why do you never mention timeouts? And if you don’t support them, what do you suggest I do when my child is acting out?” These are great questions. Timeouts are a go-to strategy for countless families, but it’s true, I don’t recommend them to parents in my private practice, and you won’t see me recommending them here.&nbsp;



Why not? A few reasons:



We usually give timeouts in response to a child exhibiting some kind of challenging behavior (hitting, talking back, etc.). Our kids engage in these behaviors because a feeling inside them is so big and overwhelming that it can’t be regulated or processed. So instead, it bursts out of them as an out-of-control behavior.&nbsp;



Feelings and behaviors go together—one proceeds the other. Here are two examples:



I want that block, and my sister has it. I am frustrated! (This is the feeling.) I couldn’t manage the feeling, and so it came out as a hit. (This is the behavior.)



I want this snack right now, and my mom is saying no. I’m so mad! (This is the feeling.) I couldn’t manage this feeling and so I lunge for the cabinet, my mom blocks me, and I pinch her. (This is the behavior.)&nbsp;



Big idea: out-of-control behaviors come from out-of-control feelings and urges. The key to change is to help kids build the skills they need to manage their feelings and urges.



<h2>Separate the Feeling From the Behavior</h2>



One of our main jobs as parents is to help our kids separate feelings from behavior—this is the essence of regulation. When you give a child a timeout, instead of separating your child’s feelings from their behavior, you collapse them together—which is the very thing that led to the problem in the first place! Think of it like this: if you send your kid to their room for throwing a block, they never learn that the feeling of frustration that precipitated throwing the block is normal, even healthy, and they definitely never learn any coping skills for that feeling. Instead, a child learns that BOTH things—the feeling AND the behavior—are bad.



<h2>Understanding the Role of Attachment</h2>



Our kids’ survival rests on attachment. After all, kids only get their basic needs met (food, shelter, water, care) through their relationship with their parents, so figuring out how to attach to parents is of prime evolutionary importance. Attachment is a system of proximity—when we say that kids need to be sure their parents keep them “close,” we don’t just mean emotionally close; we mean literally, spatially closeby. This is how kids are ensured of protection. As a result, kids digest their interactions with caregivers through this question:&nbsp;



“What parts of me lead to closeness? These parts are lovable and good. And what parts of me lead to distance? These parts are unloveable and bad.”&nbsp;



How does this relate to timeouts? Well, timeouts are a form of distance from a caregiver and a feeling of aloneness for a child. Think of this from a child’s perspective:



&nbsp;“If these are the caregivers I need for survival and they send me away because I had a big feeling that caused me to throw a block, those feelings must be so bad and dangerous to the world. I have to make sure never to have that feeling again and when I do, get it out of my body as quickly as possible! ”&nbsp;



So what happens the next time this feeling comes up in their body? Our kids have no skills to manage the feeling, they are now scared of it, AND they have to get the feeling “out of their body” because it feels so dangerous. Enter hitting, biting, throwing, etc.—and the cycle of out-of-control behavior continues.



<h2>But Why Do People Say Timeouts Work for Their Kids?</h2>



I hear it too, but here’s the truth: timeouts appear to “work” for kids who are people-pleasing kids who only feel safe when their parents feel happy with them. But what really happens during the timeout? The child blames themselves and loads up with guilt (“I’m such a bad kid. It’s all my fault. I need to be the part of me that my parents find loveable”). So, yes, it might look like it works, but the child still has no skill to manage tough feelings. Developmentally, this child remains stunted, never learning to manage feelings like frustration, anger, or jealousy. Further, this child builds up their circuit of self-blame and self-criticism, which they will carry into adulthood.



Plus, there’s this: my experience has shown that kids who are parented in their early years with behavioral methods like timeouts, rewards, and punishments grow up to be teens who struggle to have a connection with their parents. All kids reach an age where they essentially say, “You can’t give me a timeout anymore. And I don't care about your sticker charts.”&nbsp; And what do you have then? Well, nothing. Only years of missed opportunities to connect to your child and build the emotion regulation skills they need for life.



<h2>So What Should We Do Instead?</h2>



CREATE BOUNDARIES



When a child “acts out,” they need you, the parent, to be the boundary they cannot be for themselves. After all, kids hit and throw and kick not because they don’t respect you or because they’re trying to “be bad”—it’s because they are dysregulated, hyperaroused, and out of control.



So, step one: embody your authority and put a boundary around the behavior. Let’s use the example of your child throwing a block at your other child. Here’s what creating a boundary would look and sound like: “I will not let you throw that block!”&nbsp;



You may need to stop in and hold your child’s wrist or take a block out of their hand. You might need to go one step further and remove your child from the room. None of this is a punishment. A strong boundary is an act of love to keep your child safe. Words for this action might sound like this: “I’m going to pick you up and take you to another room. You are having a hard time making decisions, and I am going to keep you safe.”



Now (and this is critical!) sit in the room with your child. No, your loving presence does not reinforce bad behavior. We are not shaping behavior here; we are raising children who need to feel your connection to feel safe again. “I’m here. It’s okay. No, you can’t go back out yet. We’re not calm. You’re a good kid having a hard time; I’m right in there with you.”



If you’re alone with both your children, you might have to go between your two kids (the one that is dysregulated and the one who may have gotten hurt from the throw). There’s no easy answer for handling this and no one, including me, does this perfectly; take a deep breath, remind yourself that this difficult moment will eventually end, and do the best you can. That’s all we can do in impossible situations! What might this look like IRL? You might say aloud: “I’m going to check on your brother right now. I need to keep him safe as well. I’ll be back to be with you again in a few moments.”



BUILD REGULATION SKILLS



Okay, after we make it through the initial stage of setting boundaries and offering loving containment to a child to keep them safe, we need to help our child build the regulation skills they were missing in the first place. But hear me out: Don’t do this during the meltdown! We cannot build skills when a child is dysregulated because their brain is in threat mode, not learning mode! We can only build regulation skills when things are calm—before or after a tantrum.



So now it’s hours post-throwing-event, you and your child are calm, and you are thinking about how to build your child’s regulation skills.&nbsp;



Regulation Skill 1: Emotional Vaccination&nbsp;



Here’s how you do it: Before a tricky situation, prep your child for the feelings of frustration that are likely to arise. The exact situation doesn’t matter. All tantrums come from frustration, so when you help your child prepare for frustration-potential in one area of their life, you’re helping them build a larger, more generalized circuit for anticipating that sometimes things don’t go our way. Here’s an example:



“Let’s think about when your brother wakes up from his nap and comes into the room. He’s probably going to see that tower. What’s going to happen when you both want to use the same blocks? Ugh, that’s so hard. I am just thinking how hard it is to have a younger brother, especially when he comes to play right after his nap. What do you think we can do?”



What you come up with as a strategy is less important than the fact that you empathized and prepared your child for those feelings in advance. This helps your child understand his own feelings and strengthen the muscle of recognizing feelings when they arise, which is key to managing feelings rather than reacting to them.



Regulation Skill 2: Building Coherence



We can also build regulation after a tough moment. Revisiting the events and feelings helps a child understand what happened, which builds regulation. It might sound like this:



“I’m thinking about earlier when you and your brother were playing, and you threw the block. I want to understand exactly what happened because it’s so important to understand our big feelings. I think you were building a tower, and then your brother came after his nap, and he lunged at your tower like he was going to knock it down, and that felt so big and so hard to handle, and it just came out of your body, and you threw the block. Is that right? Did I get that right?”



When we add coherence to help a child understand what set them off, we change a fast and dysregulated circuit to a slow and connected circuit. You’re not changing the story; you’re not adding anything new; you’re just layering on connection and validation to something that felt so bad for your child. That correction will give them a moment of pause the next time a big feeling comes up. And ultimately, it will stop the cycle of out-of-control behavior much more effectively than timeouts.&nbsp;

Why Time Outs Don’t Work

When parenting feels hard and we struggle with our kids, we dissect their behaviors with questions: What is wrong with my kid? Why won’t they stop doing these annoying things?&nbsp;



And yet, if we really want to help our kids, we often have to first change our gaze—turning it inward and onto ourselves—not for the purpose of self-blame, but for the purpose of self-reflection.&nbsp;We can start by asking ourselves the question: What does this situation with my child bring up for me?



Asking this question helps you develop more clarity and feel like a sturdier, more confident leader in your home. Why? Because you learn so much about your own circuitry, your own reactivity, and your own way of labeling your kids’ behavior.



Does this mean that your kids’ behavior is your fault? NO! Not at all. Does this mean change with our kids starts with some amount of reflection on ourselves? YES. Absolutely.



What gets in the way of us intervening with our kids when they are tantruming, lying, being aggressive with a sibling, or struggling with math or reading is almost always the emotions it evokes in us. We shut down the feelings in our kids that we have trouble tolerating in ourselves.



So, the key to moving through these situations is slowing down and asking ourselves some tough questions. Here are some examples of how this works:



<h2>My child is having a lot of tantrums.</h2>



<ul><li>What does this bring up for me? What goes on for me when my child is having a big tantrum?</li><li>Was I taught that emotional displays were okay? What is my own tolerance for messy emotions?</li></ul>



<h2>My child is fighting a lot with a sibling.</h2>



<ul><li>What are my ideas about siblinghood? What do I hope for my kids? What were my own sibling relationships like?</li><li>What are my assumptions about how siblings should feel about each other?&nbsp;</li></ul>



Am I okay tolerating a range of emotions my daughter might have toward her brother, or do I notice a desire for my daughter to have only positive emotions toward him?



<h2>My child is struggling in math or reading.</h2>



<ul><li>What is it like for me to have a kid who isn’t one of the early readers?</li><li>What was my academic history like?</li><li>Did my family of origin value top performance?</li></ul>



Big takeaway: Self-reflection is the key to feeling more at home in ourselves and also to showing up as the parent we want to be. Talk about bang for your buck!



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Sturdy leadership is a key concept at Good Inside. When our kids are having a hard time, they need to feel that they are not "too much" for their parents—their sturdy leaders. They need to see that they cannot overpower us with their tears or whines or dysregulated behavior.



Why is this so important? Because in these meltdown moments, kids feel overwhelmed themselves. If they then get the message that their emotional state also overwhelms their parents, it's game over.



<h2>Two things are true</h2>



Kids need to feel that their parents both recognize and permit their feelings and that their feelings do not take over and bleed into our decision making.



Two things are true here: As parents, we can make decisions that we think are best (even if our child doesn’t like them) and we can care about our kid’s feelings about these decisions. These are two totally separate things.



Let’s say your child wants to watch a movie that you deem to be inappropriate for his age. You say no to the movie. Your child is upset, disappointed, and angry: “All of my friends have seen it! You’re the worst person ever. I’ll never talk to you again!!”



If only one of these statements can be true, then your child's feelings have to overrule your decision. If you tell yourself that caring about your child's feelings has to be linked to your decision making, then you definitely will change your mind to prove to yourself that you're a good loving parent. But when both things are true, you are allowed to maintain your decision and your child is allowed to be upset.&nbsp;



<h2>A few scripts to try</h2>



Next time you need to hold a boundary you’ve set with your child, try using the “two things are true” phrase. For example:



<ul><li>“Two things are true: Screen time is over and I understand that ending your show is so hard. You wish you could watch another. I get that.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: We are not allowing you to go to big parties and I hear how that messes up your social life. I’m saying no and I care about how that feels to you.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: The kitchen is closed and you really wish you could have another snack. I know! Waiting for dinner is hard.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: I am tired and need sleep and I understand that you’re disappointed that I backed out of our plans.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: Mommy is going out for a walk and I hear that you wish you could come. Daddy will stay with you,and I’ll be back soon.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: I need a quiet weekend with no plans and I hear that you wish tomorrow worked for a visit. We can make a plan for another weekend, let’s find a date.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: We have a hard “no” to Fortnite and we hear how left out you feel. We care about that and would love to brainstorm other ways to connect with your friends.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: Our family is not getting a dog right now and I get how disappointing that is. You’re allowed to be upset with us.”</li></ul>



Try your own version of these words aloud with your child, your friends, your partner, or just in your head the next time you set a boundary. Remember, you don't have to choose between firm decisions and loving validation. Both can be true.

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