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Why Do Kids Lie?: Understanding Your Kid’s Behavior and What to Do Next

Not sure how to handle your child’s lies? Learn how to encourage honesty while building trust with your child.

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

13 min read

Why Do Kids Lie?: Understanding Your Kid’s Behavior and What to Do Next

Intro

Why do kids lie? It can feel confusing - sometimes even infuriating - when your kid tells you something that just isn’t true:

 “I did brush my teeth!” (their morning breath is obvious).

“I saw a Komodo dragon in my room!” (you live in New Jersey). 

You’re not alone if your first response has been a lecture, yelling, or consequences. And yet… as many of us have experienced, these reactions rarely lead to truth-telling. In fact, they often do the opposite: our kids double down on the lie, offer an even more elaborate excuse, or the situation escalates into a screaming match. None of this feels good - for us or our kids. 

So, what can parents do?

At Good Inside, we know why kids lie - and we know exactly what you need to do to encourage honesty. The best part? Our strategies for how to address lying in children will not only improve your kid’s behavior, it will also strengthen your relationship with your child for years to come.

Understanding child psychology and lying

One of our core beliefs at Good Inside is that we have to understand before we intervene. 

So, let’s take a step back: What’s really going on when a kid lies?

The answer: fear of losing connection.

Children are wired to protect their connection to us - their caregivers. They pay attention to what keeps us close and what pushes us away, because connection equals physical and emotional safety. If a child senses that telling the truth could lead to ridicule, rejection, or rage, they will lie to preserve their attachment to us. On the flip side, if they believe telling the truth will lead to curiosity or empathy (signs of connection), they’re much more likely to be honest. 

The big idea: Our kids don’t lie to disrespect us. They lie to stay connected to us.

This doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to feel disappointed or frustrated by lies - those reactions are valid! That said, if our reactions to lies send the message that telling the truth is dangerous, kids may risk lying as a safer choice.

4 common types of lies

Lying behavior looks different depending on a child’s age, developmental stage, and experiences, but there’s always an emotional truth underneath the surface. Understanding the why behind different kinds of lies can help us respond more effectively. 

Here are four common types of lies - and what they tell us about our kids.

1. Stories

When kids tell us make-believe stories - “I saw a Komodo dragon in my room!” - they’re actually engaging in a healthy part of childhood development: imagination! Play is one of the safest places for kids to make sense of their experiences, try on different roles, and explore new feelings or ideas.

2. Wishes

Some lies reveal what our kids wish was true, such as excuses to get out of boring things (“My teacher said I didn’t have to brush my teeth!”) or permission to do exciting things (“Mom said I could have ice cream for dinner!”).

3. Accusations

When a kid lies about a sibling or classmate - “They kicked me!” - it’s usually because they’re trying to play a different role. They might be in a problem behavior phase or getting into constant trouble, and wondering: What is it like to be the “innocent” one?

4. Cover-ups

When our kids’ lies feel more like outright denials or dismissals of the truth - such as lying about breaking a vase or doing homework - it comes down to a desire to preserve connection. We often think that a child doesn’t want us to know the truth - but it’s more likely that they feel scared to face or accept the truth themselves. As long as they “lie,” they can avoid shame, embarrassment, and regret.

Parenting tips for lying

Okay, so your child just said something you know isn’t true. What now?

Different types of lies need different responses, and we have specific strategies for stories, wishes, accusations, and cover-ups. But when you’re caught off guard in the moment? There’s one powerful strategy that applies across the board: Connect instead of catch.

It can be tempting to “catch” your kid in a lie by asking them questions when you already know the answer: “Did you really see a dragon?” or “How did grandma’s vase break?” But these gotcha moments only make lying more likely, because your child may feel cornered, scared, or ashamed. Instead, skip the set-up and connect to the struggle underneath the lie. This might sound like:

“Hey, I saw that your homework isn’t done yet. You’re not in trouble. I just want to talk about what’s been going on.”

This moment of connection builds trust, encourages honesty, and helps your child feel safe being vulnerable with you.

💡Want more parenting tips for lying—plus specific scripts and strategies for each type of lie? Check out the full Good Inside Guide to Lying.

How can parents encourage honesty in kids?

You don’t have to wait for your kid to lie to work on honesty. In fact, some of the most powerful ways to reduce lying happen outside of tricky moments. 

You can proactively establish a sense of safety and connection by:

  • Modeling how to tell the truth (even when it’s uncomfortable)
  • Acting out a lie in pretend play
  • Telling stories about lies you told as a kid

What if I yell at my kid for lying?

If you’ve yelled at your kid, you are not a bad parent. You are a good parent dealing with real frustrations. And you’re not alone: Every parent has moments where they lose it! The good news is that it’s never too late to repair. 

What is repair? It’s a simple, 15-second strategy you can use to reconnect with your child after mistakes. It’s how we model to our kids that every relationship has tricky moments - and that working through conflict is a sign of a healthy, secure dynamic. 

Repair after yelling might sound like:

  • “Hey, I want to talk about this morning. It wasn’t okay that I yelled at you about lying. I’m working on staying calm, even when I’m frustrated.”

Remember: Good parents don’t get it right all of the time. Good parents reflect, learn, and grow.

3 key takeaways on encouraging honesty in kids

Okay, we covered a lot of information about why kids lie and how to address dishonesty. New ideas can feel exciting… and they can also feel overwhelming! So, let’s ground ourselves in three key takeaways:

  • Kids don’t lie to disrespect us. They lie to preserve their connection to us.
  • If we want kids to be honest, telling the truth must bring more connection than distance.
  • Every parent loses their cool sometimes, especially when it comes to lying. Use repair to reconnect with your kid after tough moments. 

Most importantly, remember this: You just took time out of your (very!) busy schedule to learn about lying and how to build trust with your kid. That’s amazing, and your child is so lucky to have you as their parent.

Need more support on lying? Good Inside can help

There’s so much more to say when it comes to encouraging honesty and truth-telling. What if your child lies impact other kids? Or what if their lies become a safety concern?

You deserve support and practical strategies through every “What about when…?” moment. And that’s exactly why we created Good Inside. Our Problem Behaviors workshop and resources will give you a framework and evidence-based strategies to stop issues and increase peace in your home.

Plus, when you join Good Inside Membership, you’ll get access to 24/7 support, a community of parents who get it, trained coaches, a library of resources and so much more. Our mission is to help parents like you through every age and stage of your child’s life. We’re in this together.

Frequently asked questions

Why does my child lie about things that don’t matter?

It’s confusing when your child lies about something “small.” Here’s the truth: These kinds of lies aren’t about the facts, they’re about feelings. Many kids lie to avoid disappointment, escape shame, or stay connected to you - especially when they fear the truth will lead to punishment or disconnection. At Good Inside, we believe that there’s a reason behind everything kids (and adults!) do. Instead of asking, “Why is my child lying?” ask, “What might they be trying to protect or avoid?” When you understand the why, you can respond in ways that build trust rather than fear.


Is lying normal for toddlers and young kids?

Yes, lying is a completely developmentally appropriate phase. In early childhood, kids are still learning the difference between fantasy and reality - and building the skills they need to manage tricky emotions, like fear or embarrassment.

What should I do when my kid lies to avoid getting in trouble?

If your child lies to cover up a mistake, it doesn’t mean they’re being manipulative - it likely means they’re afraid of a consequence. Maybe of your reaction. Maybe of disappointing you. Maybe of admitting something they haven’t accepted themselves.


The best way to address lying in children is to reduce the shame around the truth. You can try words like, “You’re not in trouble. I just want to understand what’s going on.” This builds safety and signals that honesty leads to connection, not punishment.

Should I punish my child for lying?

It’s tempting to dole out consequences to stop lying. Here’s the thing: Punishments often create more shame and blame around the truth, rather than helping kids develop the emotional skills they need to tell the truth in the first place. 


That doesn’t mean you let your child “get away with” lying. You can validate feelings and build skills, while still holding your boundaries.

How do I repair after yelling at my child for lying?

We all have moments where we lose it. If you’ve yelled or overreacted, you have an opportunity to repair and reconnect. Repair might sound like: “I was really frustrated earlier, and I yelled. That probably felt scary. I want you to know I’m working on staying calm - and I love you.”


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