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Is It True: Is Not Punishing... Permissive?

In my latest Is It True? podcast episode, Myliek and I talked about a question I hear all the time: If I don’t punish my kid, am I being permissive?

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

3 min read

Is It Okay to Show Emotions in Front of Kids?

Introduction

In my latest Is It True? podcast episode, Myliek and I talked about a question I hear all the time: If I don’t punish my kid, am I being permissive? A lot of parents worry that if they don’t come down hard, their kid will think, I run this house - and honestly, we understand that fear.

Here’s the thing: not punishing doesn’t have to mean permissive. There’s a third option that’s sturdier and more effective, and it’s what we teach at Good Inside. In the episode, I said the clearest way to see the difference between punishment, permissive, and Good Inside was through examples, so let’s walk through them at three different age-ranges: a toddler hitting, a kid refusing homework, and a teen doing something hurtful in a group chat.

Scenario 1: The Toddler Who Hits

Your three-year-old is playing with a friend. The friend grabs a toy. Your child hits - right in front of you (!). Everyone is watching.

The punishing response

Mindset: “If I don’t shut this down right now, he’ll think it’s okay.”

Action: You grab him, raise your voice, do a time-out, take away a toy.

Impact: He’s scared and ashamed, but he hasn’t learned what to do instead. The hitting often continues, or the underlying issue (frustration without skills) comes out in other ways like throwing, biting, not cooperating.

The permissive response

Mindset: “He’s only three. He doesn’t really understand yet.”

Action: You say a quiet “we don’t hit,” redirect, and move on.

Impact: He doesn’t actually learn the limit - and toddlers can feel less safe when no one feels in charge.

Sturdy, same-team leadership (Good Inside)

Mindset: “Hitting isn’t okay. My kid is good inside and having a hard moment. My job is to stop the behavior and teach the skill.”

Action: You move in close and say, calm and firm: “I won’t let you hit.” You stop the behavior without shaming. You stay with your kid while they’re upset. Later, when everyone is regulated, you practice: “When someone grabs your toy and you want to hit, what could you do instead? Let’s try it.”

Impact: He learns his feelings are okay and his behavior has limits. He learns there’s someone bigger than him who can hold his worst moments without falling apart. That’s what safety feels like.

Scenario 2: The Kid Who Refuses Homework

It’s late afternoon. Your nine-year-old has been home from school for a bit. Homework needs to happen. You ask. She says no. You ask again. She melts down: “I hate homework. I hate school. I’m not doing it.” You’ve been here before.

The punishing response

Mindset: “This is a discipline problem. If I let her get away with this, she’ll never learn responsibility.”

Action: You take away screens, threaten consequences, hover while she cries through every problem.

Impact: Homework becomes a battleground. She starts associating learning with coercion and conflict. You might “win” today, but you’re losing something bigger over time - a child’s trust and a child’s confidence in themselves and in the relationship.

The permissive response

Mindset: “She’s exhausted. School is a lot. I don’t want to fight.”

Action: You drop it, do it for her, or write a note to the teacher.

Impact: She doesn’t build the frustration tolerance she needs to manage hard tasks - and she also doesn’t get the message that you believe she can do hard things.

Sturdy, same-team leadership (Good Inside)

Mindset: “She’s dysregulated after a long day. That’s real. She’s capable. And homework still needs to happen.”

Action: You don’t start with demands. You start with connection: “Homework can feel like the worst after a long day.” You give a little space. Then you come back with clarity: “Okay, homework time. I’ll sit with you for the first five minutes. I’m on your team.” When she says “I hate this,” you don’t argue. You say, “I know. You can hate it and still do it. I believe you can.”

Impact: She learns that hard feelings don’t get to run the show - and that you stay with her in hard things. That’s how frustration tolerance is built: through practice, with us alongside. And that’s how your relationship gets stronger for the years ahead, by staying connected through the hard stuff.

Scenario 3: The Teen and the Group Chat

You find out—through another parent—that your thirteen-year-old shared something embarrassing about a classmate in a group chat. Something private. It spread. Your kid is already in her room and she knows you know.

The punishing response

Mindset: “She needs to understand what she did. If I go easy on her, she’ll think it’s acceptable.”

Action: You take the phone, ground her, lecture, make her write an apology, tell her how disappointed you are. 

Impact: She focuses on her punishment, not the person she hurt. She feels like a bad kid, not a good kid who did a bad thing. And next time she’ll be more careful about getting caught.

The permissive response

Mindset: “Teen social stuff is complicated. She’ll figure it out over time.”

Action: You tell her she shouldn’t have done that.

Impact: The conversation doesn’t really land because there’s no real substance to it - and she doesn’t get help understanding why she did it or what to do differently next time. She also doesn’t feel like she has a trusted adult who will help her with the hard stuff of adolescence. 

Sturdy, same-team leadership (Good Inside)

Mindset: “Something real happened here. Someone got hurt. And my kid is probably already in shame - which means she’s shut down, not open. If I want this to actually land, I have to ‘open the door’ first.”

Action: You sit on the edge of her bed and say: “I heard what happened. I’m not here to yell at you. I know you’re a good kid. I’m on your team, and we’re going to figure this out.” Then you get curious: “Tell me what was going on for you when you sent that.” Not to excuse it - because understanding is how we get to change. And then you’re clear: “Sending that hurt someone. That matters. We’re going to make this right and figure this out together. Same team.” The apology still happens. Phone boundaries might still change. But this isn’t something you do to her - it’s something you do for her.

Impact: She learns that doing something ‘bad’ doesn’t make her bad. She learns to look at her behavior honestly instead of defensively. And she learns she can come to you in moments she’s not proud of - which is a skill she’ll use for the rest of her life.

So What’s Actually Different?

First of all, all parents love their kids. And all parents are doing the best they can with the resources they have available. None of that is in question. The difference is what we believe about behavior.

Punishing says: bad behavior needs a consequence. Permissive says: bad behavior needs to be avoided. Sturdy same-team leadership says: behavior is information. It’s showing me what my kid struggles with or simply doesn’t know how to do yet - and that’s where I come in, as the sturdy parent who acts like a coach.

Once you really believe that, the whole job changes. You’re not trying to scare your kid into better behavior. You’re building skills that change behavior - and help your kid for the rest of their life. You’re being long-term greedy, not short-term focused.

This isn’t “no limits.” It’s limits, held differently. The hitting stops. The homework happens. The real apology gets made. But the limit lands from love and protection, not fear and power.

Because fear might seem like it works when a kid is young, but two things break down fast. One: your kid isn’t building the skills they actually need - so you end up needing more fear, more threats, more consequences as the stakes get higher. And two: one day your kid realizes, I’m not scared of you anymore. And if fear was the main thing holding the relationship together, there’s suddenly not much left between you in the teen years and beyond.

Good Inside says you can be warm and boundaried; connected and clear; on your kid’s side and honest about what’s not okay. And if you’re wondering how to actually do this in your real life moments, that’s exactly what we practice inside the Good Inside Membership - everyday situations, clear scripts, real tools, and support for parents with kids ages 0 - 18, until the framework shift starts to feel natural.

Ready for more support? Good Inside is here to help

Want to know exactly what to do next? Looking for more scripts and strategies to talk about emotions with your child? That’s exactly why we created Good Inside. 

As a Good Inside member, you’ll get exclusive access to:

  • On-demand support for emotional regulation
  • Daily, personalized scripts and strategies focused on your kid’s age and stage.
  • GiGi, the Good Inside chatbot, for 24/7 answers on whatever is going on in your home.
  • A private online community to connect with parents who get it in rooms dedicated to Neurodivergent Kids, School, and more.
  • Parent support sessions led by trained Good Inside coaches.
  • A library of scripts, strategies, and videos on all kinds of school challenges.
  • Plus so much more!

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