Why Kids Hit and What Parents Can Do About It
Learn how to stop kids from hitting and address other problem behaviors by teaching your kids the skills they need to thrive.
Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist
4 min read
Many parents come to me in desperation, asking: Why do kids hit? Whether you’ve witnessed this behavior (your toddler is hitting friends on playdates) or been on the receiving end (you put the iPad away and your kid smacks you!), you’re not alone.
Almost every kid goes through phases of hitting, kicking, and biting. While these behaviors are often developmentally appropriate, they are also frustrating and painful (literally). You don’t want your kid to think hitting is okay… and you really don’t want them to hurt you, their siblings, or their classmates.
Good Inside is here to help. We’re on a mission to give parents like you the knowledge and tools you need to raise confident, resilient children. We know why kids act out. And we know exactly what you need to do to change their behavior. The best part? Our unique approach will not only stop kids from hitting—it will also set your child up with life-long skills like self-awareness, empathy, resilience, and more.
Why do kids hit?
Kids are born with all of the feelings… and none of the skills to manage those feelings. Without these emotional regulation skills, intense feelings—like frustration, jealousy, disappointment, or even excitement!—can explode out of their bodies as hits, bites, and kicks. That’s right: Under every “bad” behavior is actually a feeling or urge that is too big for your kid to manage.
The good news? Your child doesn’t have the skills to manage these feelings yet. A parent’s job is to teach kids the emotion regulation skills they need, so their big feelings don’t come out as behaviors like hitting.
When we view difficult behaviors through this lens, it becomes easier to see our kids as good kids having a hard time, instead of “bad” kids doing “bad” things.
Why do toddlers hit?
If your toddler is hitting, biting, pinching, or kicking, there’s nothing wrong with your kid. And there’s nothing wrong with you! It’s developmentally appropriate for toddlers to express themselves in physical ways as they learn how to manage and communicate their emotions.
At this stage, seemingly “aggressive” physical behaviors such as hitting indicate that a child is in fight-or-flight mode. Their body feels so overwhelmed with emotions that they react the way any human being does when we’re in danger: self-protection.
Of course, a child isn’t actually in danger because screen time has ended or a friend started using their favorite toy—they just feel very angry, scared, or disappointed. In these moments, we have to help our toddlers recognize their intense feelings before they can regulate them.
If you’re looking for books about not hitting to read with younger kids, my children’s book, That’s My Truck!, tackles a relatable, messy moment for families—all while giving you an opportunity to build connection and coping skills with your kid.
Why punishments don’t work
In a well-intentioned effort to stop kids from hitting as soon as possible, many parents end up using punishments for hitting. The problem? These strategies can actually lead to more problem behaviors down the line.
We all want our kids to know right from wrong. We want them to grow up into kind, caring people! And this is also true: When our kids misbehave, they’re showing us that they don’t have the skills they need to regulate their feelings.
When we use punishments or consequences for hitting, we actually miss a critical opportunity to teach our kids how to manage the underlying feeling that led them to hit someone in the first place, like anger or frustration. This is why punishments can create bigger issues down the line: Our kids might learn to entirely shut down their feelings (leading to anxiety and self-criticism later in life) or continue acting out in other, more dangerous ways as they get older (lying, sneaking out, etc.)
The key idea: Our job is to teach our kids the skills they need to thrive in life, instead of punishing them for not knowing yet.
How to stop kids from hitting
How do we teach emotion regulation, instead of giving consequences for hitting? Here are three effective steps:
1. Keep yourself calm
In dysregulated moments, our sturdy presence is what helps our kids feel less overwhelmed by their big feelings. Take a deep breath and tell yourself, “I can cope with this. I have a good kid who is having a hard time, not a bad kid giving me a hard time.”
2. Keep your child safe
Not using punishments doesn’t mean you’re letting your kid “get away” with bad behavior or continue hitting. After regulating yourself, keep your child and others safe by setting a boundary. You can say, “I won’t let you hit” and physically block any hits from connecting by holding your kid’s hands or putting a barrier between you.
3. Validate emotions
Recognize the feeling underneath your child’s behavior, and demonstrate how to regulate it in a healthy way: “You must feel really angry to hit me like that. I know it’s hard to end screen time, and I know there’s a different way you can tell me. If you have mad energy in your body, you can hit a soft toy or a pillow.”
Strategies like these not only stop kids from hitting, they teach life-long emotion regulation skills, too.
3 key takeaways on hitting
Okay, we covered a lot of information about hitting. New ideas can feel exciting… and they can also feel overwhelming! So, let’s ground ourselves in three key takeaways:
- Hitting and other problem behaviors are a sign of dysregulation, not disobedience.
- Our job is to teach our kids the emotional regulation skills they’re missing—not punish them for what they don’t know yet.
- We can’t teach regulation to our kids when we’re dysregulated. The most effective way to intervene in a tough moment: Ground yourself first.
Most importantly, remember this: You just took time out of your (very!) busy schedule to learn how to raise a confident, resilient kid. That’s amazing, and your kid is so lucky to have you as their parent.
Stop problem behaviors with Good Inside
We know there are so many more questions when it comes to issues like hitting, and you deserve support through every “But what about when…?” moment. That’s exactly why we created Good Inside.
Our Problem Behaviors Program will give you the knowledge and tools you need to transform your home right away. Plus, when you join, you’ll get access to our entire suite of parenting resources. From hitting and defiance to sibling squabbles and body confidence, we’ll help you solve current challenges—and get ahead of future ones—in just 5 minutes a day.
