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How to Handle the “Terrible Twos”

The key to managing and understanding the two-year-old stage is learning why kids act out and have out-of-control behavior - and then, based on that understanding, learning interventions that help kids change.

Dr Becky Kennedy

Dr Becky Kennedy, Clinical Psychologist

7 min read

girl tantrum on the floor

Intro

Tantrums, hitting, responding “No!” to every request. Welcome to “terrible twos” behavior - or, as we call it at Good Inside, the “turbulent twos.”

After all, your two-year-old is not a “terrible” kid. Your two-year-old is a good kid going through major developmental changes! They are growing bigger right before your eyes, they’re becoming more capable of communicating their needs and wants, they’re developing a sense of self, and they’re seeking more independence. 

Yes, parenting two-year-olds can be tough. And this is also true: With the right framework and tools, tricky toddler developmental stages like this one can feel easier. 

At Good Inside, our mission is to help you raise confident, resilient children - and understanding what’s really going on underneath that so-called “terrible twos” behavior is the first step to building these critical skills for your toddler. The best part? Our approach to coping with terrible twos will not only improve your child’s behavior in the short-term - it will also build a strong foundation of connection between you and your child for all of the ages and stages of parenting to come. Let’s jump in.

What are the “terrible twos?”

The terrible twos - or more accurately, the turbulent twos - refers to a developmental phase often marked by increased difficult or seemingly defiant behavior. TWO (wink wink) things are true about this phase: “Terrible two” behaviors are exhausting and they are developmentally appropriate. There’s nothing wrong with your kid, and there’s nothing wrong with you.

5 common “terrible two” behaviors

What might these behaviors look like? While every child’s development looks different, here are five common challenges parents experience during the “turbulent twos”:

1. Tantrums and meltdowns. Your child may throw more frequent or intense tantrums and meltdowns. These meltdowns are not a sign of disobedience - they are a sign of dysregulation. While meltdowns can be distressing, there are tantrum strategies for parents to manage and reduce these behaviors over time.

2. Problem behaviors. Two-year-olds may start to kick, hit, or bite - seemingly out of nowhere! Your kid is not a cruel or manipulative kid for engaging in these behaviors - they are a good kid having a hard time expressing their big feelings - so they literally come exploding out of their body.

3. Frequent frustration. Toddlerhood is a period of rapid learning and trying new things - which means it’s also a period of struggling and failing. Two-year-olds are still developing frustration tolerance, so they may become easily upset when they can’t do or get what they want.

4. Saying “no.” If your kid’s new favorite word seems to be “no,” you’re not alone. Refusing requests and testing boundaries are part of how toddlers explore their sense of autonomy and independence. They are learning they are separate from you, and that means having differing ideas and opinions from you!

5. Sudden mood changes. It’s normal for two-year-olds to have big emotions and sudden mood changes. As your child gets older, they will still have big emotions - like anger and frustration and jealousy and disappointment - and, with your help, they will also have more skills to regulate these feelings. 

The “terrible twos” don’t have to be so terrible. Good Inside’s approach will help you parent your toddler with confidence. Think: way fewer meltdowns, for both your kid and you!

Why are two-year-olds so challenging?

One of our core beliefs at Good Inside is that we have to understand before we intervene. In other words, understanding why toddlers struggle with tantrums, mood changes, and more can help us navigate these difficult behaviors with more clarity and confidence as parents. 

The truth is that behind every difficult behavior is a rapidly developing brain and body trying to make sense of intense emotions, independence, and communication skills. Here’s what’s going on under the surface:

Emotional regulation struggles

Kids are born with all the feelings and none of the emotional regulation skills to manage those feelings. When your two-year-old feels intense emotions - like excitement, frustration, fear, or disappointment - they don’t yet have the skills to recognize, process, and express these emotions. Part of our job as parents is to help develop emotional regulation in toddlers. And this can only happen through their relationship with you!

A growing desire for independence

Toddlers are only now starting to develop a sense of self and understand themselves as separate people from their caregivers - us. This growing awareness can lead to a desire for more autonomy and control. Two-year-olds want to do things on their own… but, as we all know, they can’t always follow through - and this mismatch between their desires and their abilities can lead to frustration and confusion. 

Communication limitations

Your two-year-old child is going through a period of major intellectual growth: They’re understanding more about the world and themselves - but their ability to communicate hasn’t quite caught up yet. Similar to the desire for independence versus the ability to be independent, the gap between comprehension and expression can mean your child knows how they feel and what they want, but they don’t know how to tell you. Cue: frustration and outbursts. 

How to handle the “terrible twos”: 4 key strategies

During the turbulent twos, a child needs your sturdy leadership more than anything else. 

What is sturdy leadership? A sturdy leader is able to see and care about someone else’s experience without getting swept up in it. You can stay calm while your child isn’t. You can hold boundaries and empathy at the same time. And you can guide your child through tough moments without needing them to be calm first.

Here are four ways to show up as a sturdy leader and manage problem behaviors while parenting two-year-olds.

1. Offer your toddler choices

Giving your child a choice between two options you're already comfortable with is a powerful way to support your toddler’s growing sense of independence while avoiding unnecessary power struggles. 

This might look like saying:

  • “It’s time to get dressed. Do you want to wear black pants or blue pants?”
  • “It’s bath time. Do you want to race there or should I carry you?”

2. Redirect instead of distract

While it’s important to teach kids how to feel their feelings (not avoid them), redirection is a useful tantrum strategy for parents during moments of escalating tension. Instead of trying to change how your child feels - “It’s okay, don’t cry!” - focus on shifting their attention toward something more manageable. 

If your child is melting down in the grocery store after you say no to a treat, redirection might sound like: “Hey, I need your help picking out five lemons! Why don’t you choose your favorites?”

3. Keep a consistent routine

Two-year-olds thrive on predictability: After all, your toddler is trying to figure out how the world around them works. When they know what to expect, they feel safer and more in control - cue: more calm and fewer meltdowns. Keeping a consistent routine for daycare drop-off and separation, meals, and bedtime can be especially grounding during this stage. Consistency doesn’t mean rigidity - it means creating rhythms your child can count on.

4. Stay grounded

The best way to be a sturdy leader for your toddler is to work on your own regulation. It helps to expect some meltdowns, defiance, and frustration during this stage - because then the behaviors won’t take you by surprise. 

You can prepare for hard moments with simple mantras to stay calm, such as “My child is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time” or “I can cope with this.” The more you practice in calm moments, the more grounded you’ll feel when emotions run high.

Navigate the “terrible twos” with the help of Good Inside

There’s so much more to say about parenting two-year-olds: Why is your toddler suddenly biting you? How do you help your two-year-old build frustration tolerance?

You deserve support for the terrible twos and every “what about when” question. That’s exactly why we created Good Inside. Most of us didn’t grow up with adults who modeled emotional regulation or sturdy leadership - so it’s no wonder so many parents feel lost during the toddler years! 

The good news? Once you have a game plan - for tantrums, sleep struggles, problem behaviors, and more - you will begin to see this phase as one filled with incredible growth, learning, and transformation. Good Inside’s Toddler Crash Course will help you:

  • Transform behavior and build emotion regulation
  • Reduce tantrums, hitting, biting, meltdowns, and sleep struggles
  • Strengthen your relationship with your child 
  • Feel more calm and confident as a parent

Plus, when you join Good Inside, you’ll get access to our 24/7 chatbot, virtual “Ask a Coach” sessions with our trained parent coaches, live workshops, and so much more. From the terrible twos to starting kindergarten and more, we’re here to support you through every age and stage of parenting.

Frequently asked questions

How long will the “terrible twos” last?

The “terrible twos” aren’t a strict one-year phase - it’s better thought of as a stretch of emotional and developmental turbulence during the key toddler years.. Reframing this time as the “turbulent twos” can help you remember that growth comes with ups and downs - and that doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you or your kid. The more you understand about what’s happening underneath your child’s behaviors, the more confident you’ll feel guiding them through it and intervening for lasting, meaningful change. 

How do I stop toddler tantrums and meltdowns?

It’s natural to want to stop a tantrum. Here’s the thing: Your job isn’t actually to “stop” the tantrum, it’s to guide your child through it so they learn how to regulate those feelings in the future. You can manage a toddler tantrum by staying calm, validating feelings, and holding boundaries. Over time, this kind of support helps your child learn how to handle big emotions without explosive behavior. For more tantrum strategies for parents, check out our article on managing toddler meltdowns. 


What causes toddler tantrums in the first place?

Toddler tantrums are caused by a mix of emotional overwhelm and limited regulation and communication skills. At age two, your child feels all of the intense emotions - but they don’t yet have the skills to manage these emotions. Tantrums are a sign of dysregulation, not disobedience. 

Is it okay to punish my two-year-old?

While it’s natural to want to stop difficult behavior quickly when you’re parenting two-year-olds, punishments - like time-outs or taking away loved items - can actually leave kids feeling ashamed, alone, and confused. In fact, it can lead kids to bottle up emotions or act out in bigger ways later on. Instead, focus on teaching kids the skills they’re missing - not punishing them for not knowing yet. There are many alternatives to punishments that will help your toddler build the skills they need to avoid engaging in the difficult behaviors in the first place.

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