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Mom, Where Is My Water Bottle? And Other Executive Functioning Mysteries.

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar…?
<ul>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">My child hates it when I’m disappointed in them and struggles when criticized. </li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">My child focuses on getting my approval, asking, “Do you like this? What do you think?”</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">My child can sometimes be perfectionistic, wanting to get something exactly right.</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">My child can play the “peacemaker role” in a group. </li>
</ul>
Let’s talk about your thoughtful, attuned, hard-on-themselves child. Sensitive Strivers are deeply empathic, care-taking, and cautious. They tend to be a family’s harmonizer, making things work and not “making a big deal” out of things that other kids might get upset about. And, as is true for all of us, with our strengths can also come our struggles: Sensitive Strivers can sometimes become so focused on other people that they lose focus on themselves, almost as if they are more aware of what others want from them than of what they want for themselves.

You have a good kid. And it’s not because they’re easy, flexible, or helpful. You have a good kid because your Sensitive Striver is inherently good inside, always. In fact, one of the things that can happen for Sensitive Strivers is that they sometimes feel they need to prove that they’re a good kid through their accomplishments and impact on others. In the process, they start to link their worth to their ability to “perform,” “accomplish,” or “make people happy.” As the parent of a Sensitive Striver, it’s essential to help your child balance their focus on others with a focus on themselves so that they learn to tap into their internal wants, needs, and values—even if this means, at times, being less harmonizing in a family or a relationship.

Sensitive Strivers are often misunderstood. These kids are often labeled as “easy,” and in many ways, that’s true for the early years. And yet, at Good Inside, we take a long-term view - we know that kids who are the “easiest” when they're younger tend to take care of others at the expense of taking care of themselves, and this can lead to unhelpful relationship patterns later. An Adult Sensitive Striver needs others’ approval to feel good enough, can’t recognize what they want for themselves, and tends to sacrifice themselves to the point of resentment and depletion. 

Now, pause: There’s no reason to panic. Your Sensitive Striver has so many qualities that will work for them as an adult! It’s all about balance. Recognizing your Sensitive Striver’s tendencies and helping them learn that it’s okay to disappoint others, that they aren’t judged based on their latest behavior, and that it’s not their job to make people like them—this will be a gift that has major payout throughout your child’s life.

Sensitive Strivers need sturdy parents. They need parents who love them, see the good inside them, delight in them, and—and this is important!—who help them orient their gaze inward and not only outward and who even allow them to “act out” here and there - so they can see that they are, still, the same good loveable child they always were. The good news is that you can learn all of these skills. We know exactly how to help you parent (and enjoy!) your amazing Sensitive Striver.

Do You Have a Sensitive Striver™?

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar…?
<ul>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">I ask my child to do something basic—like put their shoes on—and I get a vicious, “No, you can’t make me!”</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">I ask my child to stop jumping on the couch, and my child pauses, looks at me, smiles, and jumps again.</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">My child laughs when I try to discipline </li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">When I make threats to my child, my child never seems perturbed; in fact, my child often says things like, “I don’t care” or “Sure, do that.”</li>
</ul>
Okay, let me come out and say this: No, your child isn’t a sociopath. I mean that! And that fear is sometimes the best evidence that a parent has a Resilient Rebel. Resilient Rebels know who they are. They are strong-minded, 0% people-pleasing, and tend to escalate to worse behavior when we come at them with punishment and control.

Your kid—and I promise this is true—is a good kid. They are a good kid who often has a hard time, and unlike other kids, whose “hard time” comes out as crying or tantrums or turning into a puddle on the floor, your Resilient Rebel’s hard time is expressed in an almost 180-degree different way. Your child seems to get into a stubborn, aggressive, “I don’t care about the world” spiral. But you know what? Under that spiral is a kid who is overwhelmed, vulnerable, and downright scared—scared of losing you, scared of their own power, and scared of being more “in control” than they want to be.

Resilient Rebels are frequently misunderstood. Parents often worry that their child is “selfish,” but what’s true is that Resilient Rebels simply have a keen sense of what they want (and, ironically, this is what we tend to want for our kids when they’re in adulthood!). Parents often worry that their child is “unempathetic,” but what’s true is that Resilient Rebels just need our help to be more attentive to the world around them (and this is a skill they can learn!) Parents often worry that their child is a “rule breaker,” but what’s true is that Resilient Rebels don’t accept the status quo as fact (which can be long-term great—and yes, of course—short-term challenging!)

If all of this is ringing true to you, please know this: You have an awesome kid. I like your kid. In fact, I would love—with you— to take a moment and do something you might not do very often: Delight in your child. Yes, delight. There’s no danger, I promise. Let’s delight in your kid’s strong opinions, relentless determination, and unflappable confidence.

Resilient Rebels need sturdy parents. They need parents who love them, see the good inside them, delight in them, and—and this is important!—who know how to set (and hold!) boundaries, who can side-step power struggles, and who know exactly what their role is when their child gets activated. The good news is you can learn all of these skills. We know exactly how to help you parent (and enjoy!) your amazing Resilient Rebel.

Do You Have a Resilient Rebel™?

Revisit - Kids! Parenting When They're Not Just Like Us?

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Jessica Biel on Periods and Body Confidence

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Emily Oster and the Bad Therapy Conversation

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If You Think You're Bad at Meditation, Dan Harris Says You're Doing it Right.

Two Parenting Styles, One Family, and Conflicting Boundaries.

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Guide to Effective Couples Communication

Words to Use in Place of Threats and Punishments

Random Acts of Connection

Good Inside Parenting is Not Gentle Parenting

Motherhood: A Hero's Journey

Navigating How I Show Up in This Family

Here’s something I know about your kid - they are good inside. That’s right! When your kid hits their friend, they are good inside. When your kid yells, “I hate you!”, they are good inside. When your kid hears what you say, looks you in the eye, and does the exact opposite of your request, they are still good inside.

In these moments, when our kids act out, we can look at them in one of two ways: we can see their behavior as a sign of who they are or we can see their behavior as a sign of their struggle. When we see our kid’s bad behavior as a sign of their identity, we look at our kid like they’re a bad kid doing bad things - and then we intervene from that mindset, which often involves threats, punishments, anger and distance. When we see our kid’s bad behavior as a sign of their struggle, we look at our kid like they’re a good kid having a hard time - then we intervene from that mindset, which often involves setting a boundary, sharing validation, lending our calm, and offering connection.

There is not much more important in child development than practicing separating your kid’s behavior from their identity - which means seeing your kid as a good kid even when they engage in not-so-good behavior. After all, we are our kid’s mirror - through our reactions, we show them who they are and then they respond to the version of themselves that we reflect back. If we can’t see the good inside kids, they cannot access it themselves - and accessing the good inside of us is always a precursor to bringing that good out in the form of behavior.

Right now, imagine a situation where your kid is engaging in “bad behavior.” Take a deep breath and say these words aloud - “I have a good kid who’s having a hard time. I have a good kid who’s having a hard time.” Notice how you soften. Notice how you start to see your kid as vulnerable and in need of help. Notice how you’re more likely to want to move toward your kid instead of away from them.

You can use these exact words with your kid during a tough moment; you can share, “You’re a good kid having a hard time.” Kids need to hear this. They want to hear this. They are desperate for someone to reflect their goodness under their struggle.

And if you’re wondering if the “Good Kid Having a Hard Time” mindset applies to you, it absolutely does. In your tough moments, you’re not a bad person - you’re a good parent having a hard time. So please practice reminding yourself of that as well.

Good Kid Having a Hard Time™

Here’s an idea to consider: when parenting feels impossible, it’s not because of our kids’ behavior. Don’t get me wrong - when we are in a stage with massive tantrums or sleepless nights or unending rudeness, none of us are at our best. And yet, the thing that always puts us over the edge is this: a loss of hope.

The opposite is true as well. When we are in the stage with massive tantrums or sleepless nights or unending rudeness, hope is one of the most powerful agents of change. Simply saying to ourselves, “This is a stage, and I will figure it out” reminds us that we are capable and that there will be an end to this time period. Hope helps us access optimism, compassion, and generosity - all of which help us turn things around.

So what are we to do when we can’t access hope, when we’re skeptical that things will improve, when we feel overwhelmed, when we hear a thought that says over and over again: “Things will never change”? Well, this is the beauty of being right here, right now - because I am holding up for you.

What does that mean, to hold hope? It means that until you are able to feel that hope yourself, I will hold it for you. I know that you’re in the right place, surrounded by resources that will give you new perspectives and new strategies and surrounded by a community that will give you new validation and new encouragement. And I know that as you put in some time here, you will start to feel sturdier - and you start to see positive change in your home. I know it, with complete conviction. If you're having a hard time accessing hope yourself, that’s OK - I will hold hope for you until you are able to feel it yourself. And I know that moment will come.

I am holding hope for you.

Holding Hope™

An Unfiltered Look at Thirteen

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Guide for Avoiding Entitlement

Holidays

Tapping Into Your Kid's Hidden Potential

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Here at Good Inside, we value honest, direct communication; we also value seeing the good inside ourselves and others, using the Most Generous Interpretation (MGI), and working together to solve problems. We believe that rupture and misattuned moments in relationships are an opportunity to repair - which is howwe learn more about each other and form stronger connections.

We know that it's hard to talk about the things we’re upset about - and for most of us, it’s new to communicate in ways that are equally truthful as they are respectful. Often we know the way we want to show up in these conversations, but we just can’t find the exact words. So, we're here to close that gap - with scripts!

Here are some scripts that allow us all to communicate effectively in times of stress and conflict. Of course, use what resonates, skip what doesn’t, and amend everything so it feels right to you.

How to Start Tricky Conversations

• "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something that's on my mind. And we’re on the same team here, working toward the same goals…"

• "I've been thinking about something that happened between us and wanted to come to you directly to talk about it."

• "I feel a bit confused about something that happened between us... and rather than rely on my own mind to make up a story about what you meant, I figured I'd come to you so I can clear things up directly with you."

How to Communicate Without Provoking Defensiveness

Tip: Use more "I" than "You" and remember to keep in mind the "Most Generous Interpretation" of the other person's behavior that is annoying you.

INSTEAD OF: "I have to tell you something you’re doing that’s really upsetting me."

SAY THIS: "I want to be honest with you about something going on for me, so we can work through it together. You and I, we’re on the same team, and I know that to do good work together, we have to talk about the things that aren’t feeling as good as I’d want them to. I’m looking forward to working through this together.”

INSTEAD OF: "You never think about all the work on my plate and you assign me things with no consideration of what I'm already doing."

SAY THIS: "I think sometimes I have more on my plate than you might be aware of so I wanted to walk through the things I am doing and talk about new projects so we can get to a place we both feel good about."

INSTEAD OF: "You do the minimal amount of work possible" or "You hardly help this team at all!"

SAY THIS: "Sometimes I feel like I am taking on the bulk of the workload in our projects together. I wanted to talk to you directly about this so we can get to a place that feels more balanced."

When You Notice Defensiveness in Another

• "I think I expressed things in a way that didn't feel good for you."

• "Wait a second. There must have been something I said that felt like an attack to you. Let's pause what we're talking about and address this first."

• "I want to go back and start again. Me and you, we are on the same team here - so let's talk about this topic with this in mind.© 2023 Good Inside. All Rights Reserved.

Mantras to Use to Stay Calm When Receiving Feedback

• "This is not a character attack."

• "We are on the same team, working toward the same goals."

• "I am a good person who, like anyone else, has things to work on."

• "Being open-to-feedback is better than being perfect."

How to Receive Feedback

• “Thank you for bringing this to me. One thing that would be helpful is to hear about an example where you’ve felt this way. Examples help me have context to better understand, and then from there, I know we can work through it.”

• “I appreciate you coming to me with this."

• "This is a really important conversation. I just need a bit of time to think about what you said; I'll follow-up with you later today / later this week about it."

• "Huh, it's interesting. I've always looked at this situation in one way, and now I can see the same situation from your perspective, in a different way. That's really helpful."

When You Notice You're Being Defensive

• "I know what you’re saying is important for me to understand - and I know that something is happening inside myself where I’m feeling shut-down. I just need some time to pause and figure that out. So I’d love to do that first and then finish our conversation when I’m more grounded. It’s on me to come back to you about this - and I promise I will by (time frame).”

• "One second. I totally notice a defensiveness in me building, and before we go further, I just need to share that."

• "I'm noticing I feel defensive and am not really listening to what you're saying but rather am building a case against it. So let's pause for a moment to regroup.

Scripts for Direct Communication in the Workplace

The Power of Letting Kids Struggle.

Raising Antiracist Children with Britt Hawthorne

Chore Ideas for Kids of All Ages

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<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/GoodInside_GuidetoChores_v1_8.4.23.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide &amp; Worksheet</a>

How to think about chores:

You’re sick of picking up your kids’ clothes from the floor, seeing their toys all over the place, clearing their dinner plate for them. And one night, after you step on that lego piece or notice their jacket on the floor, your frustration bubbles over and you declare, “You have to start helping around the house! This is ridiculous!” Sound familiar?

We get it, we’ve been there too. It’s infuriating to watch your child not take care
of their stuff and not help out around the house. And yet this is true as well: no successful chore routine has ever come out of feeling frustrated with our kid - because as long as we approach our child as if they are a problem or a “bad kid,” a chore routine will feel like punishment. And then, chores become a source of power struggles and conflict... the opposite of what we want!

Remember this: you have a good kid. You do! And your good kid needs your help developing a sense of responsibility, purpose, organization, and self-sufficiency. We begin chores with our kids because we love our kids and want to help them to develop these same values; chores need to come from a place of being on our kid’s team, not acting as their disciplinarian.

At what age should I start chores?

There’s no one right age - and in fact, before we think about “starting chores,” we need to think about something else: helping our child identify as responsible and helpful. After all, if a child doesn’t feel capable of independent chores, they won’t be successful in doing them. It’s kind of like asking a child to practice swimming before teaching them how to swim. Chores are a way to practice responsibility, helpfulness, and independence, which means we first have to help a child feel responsible, helpful, and independent.

We can help develop responsibility, helpfulness, and independence in a child of any age. One place to start is to start naming and seeing these qualities inside your child - instead of focusing on the times they’re not present. Children respond to the versions of themselves we reflect back - so if we tell them that they are unhelpful and ungrateful, they build that version of themselves; if we tell them that we see their responsibility and independence, those qualities will grow.

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Here are some examples:
<ul>
 	<li>Say to your 1-year-old: “Can you put that sock in the hamper? Wow... you did it! That’s what I call being responsible for your things. Amazing!” instead of seeing the sock on the floor, picking it up yourself and thinking, “Ugh I do everything around here!”</li>
 	<li>Catch your 4-year-old being responsible and say: “I noticed how you put your shoes in the closet like I asked. You are really taking care of your stuff. That matters,” instead of “You never put your shoes away, you don’t appreciate anything!”</li>
 	<li>When your 8-year-old whines about having to clear their plate, say, “I know it’s annoying. I also know you’re a kid who is responsible and helpful around the house. I appreciate your doing something that’s not so fun to help out the family” instead of “Stop whining! It’s not a big deal and you already do so little. Come on.”</li>
</ul>
We can’t continue to give the message to our children that they are unhelpful and dependent and then expect them to develop a sense of responsibility and self- sufficiency. Before you begin a chore routine, spend a month or so “seeing” the qualities in your child that you want to bring out. It’s magic.

Turning responsibility into chores:

After laying a foundation in responsibility and capability, you are more ready to implement a chore routine. Whether your child is three or eleven, these steps will help you transition to having chores in your family.

1. Same Team Mindset. Remind yourself: you and your child are on the same team, working to help your child further develop responsibility, independence, and self-sufficiency. Chores come from this place - not from a place of exasperation with your child. Remind yourself, “I have a good, capable kid. I have a good, capable kid” so you can approach the conversation from a place of empowerment, not punishment.

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2. Collaborate, Don’t Dictate: If we think about chores as a way to develop responsibility, independence, and self-sufficiency, then it doesn’t matter exactly what your child does - as long as it’s a way to put these values into action. This is great news because instead of telling your child, “You are in charge of emptying the trash,” you can say, “You’re a kid who is so capable - and you’re becoming more and more independent. So cool. I’d love to think about how you can help out with some stuff around the house. I’m thinking about things like taking out the trash or setting the table or wiping down the bathroom counters. Hm... what do you think? I’m flexible here and would love to hear your ideas.”

3. Make it Visual. After you come up with initial chore ideas, make it visual - meaning create a chart or a way for your child to have a visual reminder of their new responsibilities. Chores without visuals are a set-up for disaster - kids cannot remember what to do, parents feel frustrated when things don’t get done, and now the chore process is filled with accusations (“You’re so irresponsible!”) and power struggles (“I’m not clearing my plate!”). Charts not only give kids a much-needed prompt, they also allow you to be your kids’ teammate instead of enemy; when you have a chart, you never have to say, “Did you take out the trash? Come on, you have to do that now!!” and can instead say, “Huh, what are your responsibilities on Monday? Hm.... let’s look at that chart together. Ah, it says Monday means taking out the trash.”

4. See Your Child’s Efforts. We all like to feel seen. When you begin chores with your child, let them know you see their hard work. It’s true - they may forget things and they likely won’t be “perfect” but see if you can focus on the moments they are leaning into chores instead of only talking about the moments of forgetting or complaints. This means saying things like, “I noticed you cleared your plate today without my reminding you. That’s a big deal” or “Our bathroom counter is so squeaky clean. It looks awesome. I know that’s because of you. Thank you” or “I’m loving having a new empty trash can every Monday! It makes my time in the kitchen so much more pleasant. You’re making that happen; thank you, I appreciate it.”

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Parents’ response to chores:

Ok let’s be honest: your child - no matter what their age - will likely not be able to complete their chores to the same level as you would be able to do the same thing. When they wipe down the kitchen table, there may be streaks; when they sort the silverware, a big spoon may end up in the little-spoon compartment; when they fold laundry, you may be having a panic attack that it looks no different than it did un-folded.

AND this is true as well: the more we criticize the streaks on the table, the misplaced spoon, and the messily-folded laundry, the more intimidating and unpleasant chores become. This is true for us too, right? If we are practicing something new and someone criticizes the results, it’s hard to have a positive attitude.

Let’s remember: the point of chores is to build a kid’s sense of capability, independence, and responsibility. And the irony is this: as a child feels more and more capable, independent, and responsible, they will become “better” and their chore tasks. So, focus on efforts, not results. Repeat this with me: “Effort, not results. Effort, not results. Effort, not results.”

Here are some guidelines around how to give your child feedback: in the early days, focus only on effort. Here are some examples of scripts you might use:
<ul>
 	<li>“This is your first time folding laundry! Of course it’s hard. You’re working hard and that’s what matters.”</li>
 	<li>“Wow, you remembered to wipe down the table! I love you.”</li>
 	<li>“You’re noticing which is a spoon and which is a fork and which is a knife. YES! I knew this was the right job for you.”</li>
</ul>
Wait at least three to four weeks to mention anything about results. Continue to notice effort as well. Here are some examples of scripts you might use:

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<ul>
 	<li>“You’re really getting this folding thing down. Those socks! Wow. Matched perfectly. Ugh... t-shirts. So hard. I want to show you a trick I use...watch this”</li>
 	<li>“Thank you for wiping the table. It helps our family so much. I wonder if you can put a bit more power into that corner, really scrub away those crumbs!”</li>
 	<li>“Thank you for putting the silverware away. Tricky to notice which spoons are big and which are small right? For me too.”</li>
</ul>
When your child resists:

It’s normal to have periods where your child resists doing chores or gives you extra pushback around them. Remind yourself: “I am a good parent and I have a good kid, and we can figure this out” to stop yourself from spiraling into the story of “My kid doesn’t appreciate anything!” or “My kid never listens to me!” Approach your child from a place of collaboration and curiosity - not criticism. Instead of saying to your child, “You have to do your chores this week or you don’t get dessert” or “How hard is it to remember to do one or two things? You’re so irresponsible!” try, “I’m noticing it’s been hard to remember to do your chores this week. Any idea what’s getting in the way?”

Chore ideas:

We want to make the chore process as easy as possible for you - so we thought it would be helpful to brainstorm chores by age. Check out the <a href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/GoodInside_ChoreIdeasWorksheet_Final-scaled.jpg">Chore Ideas for Kids of All Ages Worksheet.</a>

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Guide to Chores

How to Talk to Kids About Money

The Empowered Dad with Ashton Kutcher

Allowance Worksheet

<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/GoodInside_AllowanceGuide_v4.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide &amp; Worksheet</a>

How to think about allowance:

Here at Good Inside, we love building a kid’s independence and sense of  responsibility, as well as their frustration tolerance, patience, and planning skills. Enter allowance! Allowance teaches kids about the finite nature of money, the pros and cons of saving versus spending, and the importance of being thoughtful around purchasing decisions. 

For kids who are especially into trinkets, stickers, collectibles, and other material  items, allowance provides parents a system for decision making - so instead of  constantly debating, “Huh, do I get that for my kid today? Do I say yes or no?” and dealing with your child’s reaction to the unpredictability of your choices, you and your child can have a reliable schedule. Everyone wins. 

At what age should I start allowance? 

There’s no one right age - so feel free to follow your child’s lead regarding their  interest in numbers, their curiosity about money, and their desire for independence. Some families start an allowance at age 3 or 4 when they notice their child talking about money, asking to buy things at a store, or wanting to make their own purchasing decisions. Other families wait until closer to age 7 or 8. There’s no right answer. If your child seems ready, go for it. If it turns out it was too early and your child loses interest, you can always pause and try it again later. 

How much do I give my kids?  

Lots of families use a $1 per year of age per week rule - $4/week for 4-year-olds, $7/week for 7-year-olds, etc. Remember, you know your family and their needs the best. Some families have rules about how the allowance will be divided - for example, 20% to Save, 20% to Give, 60% to Spend is a common rule, such that a $5 weekly allowance would be divided into three containers: $1 Save, $1 Give, $3 Spend. Other families give free reign without any division. 

Should I create guidelines for what my child does with their money? 

I encourage families to make amount and guideline decisions based on this  question: “What amount of money and what guidelines help us accomplish the goals of why we are doing allowance in the first place?”  

EXAMPLE 1: If one reason for allowance is to help your child appreciate that “money doesn’t grow on trees,” then we’d suggest not giving so much money that your child could buy, each week, an item they want. 

Let’s say your child is into Pokemon packs that cost $5 each. If you want your child to learn patience, frustration tolerance, and delay of gratification, I’d be sure to give less than $5/week so waiting is built-in to the process.  

EXAMPLE 2: If you want your child to understand the power of saving, I would  make sure to give an amount where your child could purchase some less-valuable item or save for a few weeks to purchase the item that they are most hoping for.  

If your child is hoping to buy a new headband that costs $12 but also likes  stickers that cost $3, I would want to be sure to give her less than $12 per week so she can live through the reality of having to either buy stickers and be  further away from affording the headband or forgo the stickers and save four weeks to get the headband. 

EXAMPLE 3: If you want your child to more actively think about charitable causes, having a “Give” jar each week would encourage your child to think about how to support others. 

Think about the lessons you want allowance to teach and the experiences you want it to give your child - and then structure the allowance in a way that allows your child to get these intended benefits. 

Do I actually have to get cash each week? 

Yes! I know. It’s a pain. And, getting exact cash for a child’s allowance is important. One of the reasons allowance is helpful to kids is because money, spending, and saving stop being nebulous and start being concrete. Having physical money is what allows this to happen.

Should I link allowance to chores?  

We recommend not linking allowance to chores. To us, chores embody the  belief, “In our family, we work together to take care of our home. Everyone has something to contribute, everyone can help out.” As soon as chores are linked  to allowance, kids tend to get into a “Ok what’s in it for me?” mindset. We don’t want, years from now, to ask our kid to help fold laundry and hear back, “Well,  how much are you going to pay me?” We want kids to have a sense of ownership, responsibility, and even pride in taking care of their family home - and the more we focus on external rewards (like allowance) for chores, the more we actually get in the way of our child building internal motivation and purpose. 

Should I put guidelines around what allowance money can be spent on? 

It’s important to set guidelines around what allowance can be used for. Some families don’t set guidelines because they want their kids to have free reign - and yes, this means their child might buy a chocolate bar every single week. Think about what makes sense for your family, what level of trust and personal decision-making you feel comfortable giving your kid. Be clear on what is not allowed and leave room for your child to have one of the biggest benefits of allowance - making their own choices (and living with the outcomes!). 

How do I put this all into action? 

Got you covered. Check out the Good Inside Allowance Worksheet - complete it with your child so everything is clear and so allowance can actually serve its intended purpose!

Guide to Allowance

Atomic Parenting Habits

5 Things to Say at Mealtime to Encourage Healthy Eating Patterns

We Are Bigger Than Our Mistakes

Repeat After Me With Jazmyn Simon & Dulé Hill

“I’m not going to the doctor! You can’t make me! No No NO!” Yes, we’ve been there too. You’re not alone - and nothing is wrong with you or your kid - if doctor’s visits are full of protest, screams, and tears. And here’s the good news: you’re in the right place to learn what’s really going on here and what you can do to help your child, and yourself. Let’s jump in.

Big Idea

If you remember nothing else, remember this: There is so much power in preparation. When we prepare our kids for challenging things to come, we can generate feelings of mastery and connection and safety - and what’s amazing is these feelings transfer to the very moments we need them most. 

So while it’s easy to avoid talking about tough situations and get into a, “Oh I don’t want to bring this up and make my child anxious!” mindset, we’re going to do an almost 180 degree approach: talk about the things that feel nerve-wracking, approach them head-on, and show our kids that we aren't as afraid as they are. Our kids absorb our sturdiness which helps them feel more in control and less afraid.

So how do we do this when it comes to taking our kids to the doctor? Follow these step-by-step guidelines to reduce anxiety and increase empowerment - for everyone!
<ol>
 	<li>Share details. Talk about the waiting room, doctors, procedures. </li>
</ol>
Talking about details allows your child to imagine what’s to come - and so instead of the unknown, you’re talking about something, well… known! Use these words to begin this conversation: "Tomorrow is your check-up. Let's talk about what will happen so we know what to expect."

2. Act it out in play. Play allows kids to preview what's to come and to practice coping skills.

Suddenly you have new use for all the stuffed animals, baby dolls, and toy dinosaurs in your home! Your child lives in a world of play - that’s where they try out new ideas, practice new skills, and seek to understand the world. So let’s meet them there. Share these words with your child to gain mastery within play: “Hey, let’s take your favorite Teddy and show him what a doctor’s check-up will be like! Because I’m sure Teddy is wondering and for all of us, and Teddy too, knowing what’s to come helps us feel ready!” 

Then think about each step: driving to the doctor, waiting in the waiting room, a stethoscope to listen to breathing, using a tool to look into ears and throat, etc. You can use words like, “Hey Teddy! Let’s go through each step starting with driving to the doctor… yup let’s get into the car and buckle up!... drive drive drive… oh it’s kinda long huh!.... Ok here we are, time to wait in the waiting room! Oh… there are books! And oh… other kids and babies!.... Ok they called our name, Teddy, let’s go into our room and wow… look at that crinkly paper on top of the doctor’s table…” What I am doing here is “making the unfamiliar more familiar” - which helps kids understand and feel in control.

You may want to add things like: “Let's listen to his breathing… and now let's look into his ears! How is this feeling, Teddy?"

3. Use a book. Books normalize experiences and build mastery and familiarity.

There are so many picture books that go over and illustrate a doctor’s appointment, step-by-step. A few days before the appointment, feel free to incorporate this into your reading routine: "Oh! A book about going to the doctor. How perfect because your appointment is later this week! Let's read it..."

4. Emotional vaccination. Talking about feelings in advance sets the stage for regulation.

Many parents wonder how to handle shots or blood tests. You know your child best. It’s ok to not tell your child about this days and weeks in advance if you know your child will ruminate about it and spiral in worry. At the same time, that doesn’t mean it feels good to a child to all of a sudden have a needle stuck into their body - we need to find an approach that’s between the extremes of talking-about-it-all-the-time and never-mentioning-it.

Often words like this help: "It's ok if you're nervous about your blood test. You're allowed to feel that way” or “A shot? That may be part of what happens at the doctor. It’s ok to be nervous about it. I know that we will get through it.

5. Focus on your presence. You cannot provide certainty about every detail, but you can assure your child that you'll be right there with them.

This is key: when kids are nervous, instead of answering all of their anxiety-filled questions, shift to a focus on your presence. That likely is a new idea, and here’s why it’s powerful: whenever we’re anxious about something in the future, it helps to focus less on the unknowns of the situation and more on our own coping ability.  And when it comes to kids, a key part of their coping is knowing that you will be with them the whole time. In other words, parents cannot take away all the hard parts of life but we can assure our kids that they won’t be alone with the hard parts of life. Try words like this: "Here's what I know for sure: I will be with you the whole time. I will stay right by your side." And if you want, add in: “And we will get through it, together. I just know it.”

Remember: Our goal isn’t to prevent crying or avoid worry. Our goal is to have our child feel safe and secure, which depends on our honesty and connection.

Last Thought: It’s okay if your child is nervous about doctor’s visits. Your main goal is to allow them to feel the way they feel (i.e., “It’s okay to be nervous.”) while also showing up as a sturdy optimistic leader for them (i.e., “And I know we will get through it.”). If your child tends to be filled with worry and hesitation, the <a href="https://www.goodinside.com/workshop/1560/anxiety-worry-in-kids/">Kids Anxiety Workshop</a> will give you even more support for helping your child build resilience and key coping skills. You’ve got this. And we’re here to support you along your parenting journey.

<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/GoodInside_PreparingforDoctorGuide_v1C.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide</a>

Guide to Preparing Your Child for the Doctor

How to Talk About School Lockdowns

How to Explain the Good Inside Approach to Others

<h2>How to Explain Lockdown Drills:</h2>
“You might have something at school called a lockdown drill, and I want to explain to you what it is. Lockdown is when people don’t move around and instead stay exactly in the room they’re in, and a drill means practice. So a lockdown drill is when kids and teachers practice staying in the classroom. 

You know how I tell you that my number 1 job is to keep you safe? Your school has 2 jobs, to help you learn and, also, to keep you safe.

There are many things you do at school to practice being safe... Lining up to leave your classroom helps teachers know where every kid is - so they can keep every kid safe. Doing fire drills helps all the kids and adults know what to do and how to be safe in case there is ever a fire.

During a lockdown drill, safety looks like moving to a different spot in your classroom and staying very quiet. Your teacher may also turn off the lights and lock the classroom door so everyone stays safe inside. Your lockdown drill may happen when you aren’t expecting it and that might feel surprising. 

Why do you have to practice this? Sometimes people who should not be in a school go into a school, and your school wants to make sure everyone knows what to do if that happens so they stay safe. It doesn’t happen very often. I wish it didn’t happen at all. 

Sometimes these drills might feel a little weird or scary. I’m always here to talk about it.”
<h2>If Your Child Asks Questions about Gun Violence Being Related to Lockdown Drills:</h2>
<ul>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Start here: “I’m so glad that you came to me to talk about this. Tell me more - what have you heard, what are you worried about?” Pause. </li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">“Yes. I wish this wasn’t true and it is true. There have been times where people brought guns into schools and used those guns to harm others. This is rare and it has happened.”</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">“Why? I don’t have a good answer. No one has a great answer for why people harm other people in this way. And sometimes… when we ask why… we’re also just worried. Or we wish it wasn’t true. I’m right there with you, sweetie. It’s a really upsetting thing to think about.” </li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Add: “I get that this might feel really upsetting and scary.. It feels that way for me and other adults too. I’ll always be here to talk about upsetting and scary things."</li>
</ul>
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Guide to Explaining Lockdown Drills

Navigating Tricky Friendship Moments: Your Role As A Parent

School Prep

<ol>
 	<li>WAIT. Pause, remember this isn't an emergency. Give yourself permission not to fix anything or make any major changes. Kids often need time and just some support to figure things out, not any major intervention.</li>
 	<li>Use “It’s almost like” - to go from sticky situation to open up a larger story:
<ul>
 	<li>“When you’re with Mila, it’s almost like she doesn't want you to be with anyone else… to play with any of the other kids… huh…”</li>
 	<li>“When a friend does something that upsets you, it’s almost like they become a bad person, they kind of go from friend to NOT friend huh…”</li>
 	<li>“When your friends are all together and you’re not there, it’s almost like they don’t even like you - huh. It feels like that.”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Use “I get that” or “That’s tricky” to validate and get on same page:
<ul>
 	<li>“I get that... I’d feel the same way too.”</li>
 	<li>“Ugh… that’s tricky.”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Use “I wonder” to open things up:
<ul>
 	<li>“Hm. I wonder if there’s anything we haven't thought about here…”</li>
 	<li>“Hm. I wonder if there’s another way to handle it…”</li>
 	<li>“Hm. I wonder what would happen if you...”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Use “I know you’ll / we’ll figure this out” to add hope and confidence.</li>
 	<li>Use “There’s something about this” - to deal with an in-the-moment tricky situation:
<ul>
 	<li>“There’s something about this that isn’t feeling good to you… you wanted to have Ethan over and now something about playing with him doesn't feel great. Hm.”</li>
 	<li>“There’s something about recess that’s been feeling really hard for you. I believe you. Let’s figure it out.”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Say “I believe you.”</li>
 	<li>Say “It’s hard to figure out what to do when…”:
<ul>
 	<li>“It’s hard to figure out what to do when a good friend upsets you...”</li>
 	<li>“It’s hard to figure out what to do when one of your friends wants to be with you all the time and you like them but also want to be with other people sometimes…”</li>
 	<li>“It’s hard to figure out what to do when your friends are doing something you don’t want to do but you also don’t love being the only one not doing it…”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Say “Friendships are hard. Balancing what you want and what other people want, speaking up and listening, doing what feels good to you and being flexible… it’s all so tricky.”

</li>
 	<li>Say “I don’t know when this will be resolved, I don’t know when you’ll feel better. Here’s what I do know: I know this stinks, I know I’m right here with you, and I know we’ll get through this together.”</li>
</ol>
<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/GI_TrickyFriendshipSituationsGuide_v3.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide</a>

Guide to Talking With Your Kids About Tricky Friendship Situations

Clean Plate Club

Scripts for When Your Child Has Trouble Making Friends

When Your Teen Comes to You With Friendship Struggles

Gi Report Card

Vacations with kids can often feel like, well, the opposite of a vacation. Here’s the good news: we know how to make them more manageable. Yes, traveling with kids can be hard AND there is so much we can do in advance to make it just a little bit easier. 
<h3>1. Establish Realistic Expectations:</h3>
The first thing to remember is this: Vacations can be overwhelming for kids. 

Vacation often means a new schedule, different sleeping arrangements, unfamiliar food, and new surroundings. All of this change and constant stimulation can make kids feel out of control on the inside, which often leads to them acting out of control on the outside.

An Establish Realistic Expectations intervention might look like setting a reminder on your phone daily the week before your vacation that says: “There will be challenging moments on my vacation AND I will be able to cope” or talking to a partner in advance and saying, “Hey, just thinking… on our trip - that we’re so excited about - our kids will still have their arguments and meltdowns and whines and rude words. Ugh.  Annoying and I know we’ll deal with it - and talking about it in advance is helpful I think!”
<h3>2. Remove the Surprise:</h3>
Emotions are hard enough to deal with - being surprised by an emotion is that much harder. The element of surprise is often what causes an emotional outburst, as a child feels caught off-guard and overwhelmed. 

When we prepare in advance for what something might feel like, a child is able to experience a feeling without being overwhelmed by the surprise of the feeling. This allows our kids to more easily access coping skills and good decision making.

For example, let’s say you know that there will be some new food on the trip that your child won’t want to eat. A Remove the Surprise intervention might sound something like this, “What if we are on vacation and someone offers you a food you don’t like? What do you think you could say?”  or “Ohhhhh I’m thinking about the hotel bedroom! What if the bed doesn’t feel the same? What if the pillows aren’t mushy or the sheet is a bit less soft?”
<h3>3. Know Your Job:</h3>
As parents, our job is two fold: set boundaries and show empathy. Boundaries are the decisions we make to keep our children safe. Empathy enables us to see our kid's feelings as real even if we don’t agree with them or experience them ourselves. 

For example, let’s say you’ve been waiting in the security line at the airport for a while. Your child starts to get impatient and maybe even tries to kick you in frustration. A Know Your Job intervention might sound something like, "I'm not going to let you kick me. I know you're frustrated. Waiting here is so… well, NOT fun. Ugh it stinks. I know.” 
<h3>4. VPH: Validation, Presence, Hope:</h3>
When your child is feeling anxious or nervous, remember these three things: Validate their feelings, assert your presence, and express hope in getting through the hard time. 

For example, if your child is nervous about flying, a VPH intervention might sound like: "I hear you, you're nervous, and that makes sense because flying is something we don’t do so often. I'll be with you the whole time, and we're going to get through this together." Then, remind your child that you believe in their ability to cope by saying, “Here’s something else I know: This is hard and you are a kid who can do hard things.”
<h3>5. Permission to Say Yes:</h3>
Family vacations aren’t perfect. There will still be moments where your kid throws a tantrum even after you’ve tried to validate their feelings. There will be moments your kids argue even though you want them to get along perfectly and appreciate the trip they’re on. Give yourself permission to take a break, to get the ice cream that will stop your child’s meltdown or let your kid stay up late - rather than trying to hold the same boundaries you hold at home or deliver some perfect script. A Permission to Say Yes intervention might sound like this, “Sure, you can have gummy bears with breakfast” or “Yup, sure, watch that extra show.”

<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/GoodInside_TravelingwithKidsGuide_v2.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide</a>

Guide to Traveling With Kids

Time to Become the Parent You Want to Be

No, You Haven’t Messed Up Your Kid Forever

You Matter Too

How to Effectively Change Behavior

The Way to Build Resilience

Here’s Your Job

Knowing This Difference Changes Everything

A Warm Welcome from Dr. Becky

What You Need To Know About The Emotional Lives of Teenagers

Navigating Your Kids' Friendships

Internal Family Systems with Dick Schwartz

It can be hard to know what to say when your kid says something like, "Daddy was mean to me!" or "Mommy pushed me!" or "You hurt my feelings!"

We need to start by differentiating your child's words from your child's experience.

After all, their words are accusatory and they blame others.  If we accept them as truth, not only do we feel awful, but we miss helping our children with what they really need help with—seeing their feelings (even their painful ones!) as their own. And not as something someone else "did" to them. 

This can be hard for adults too. It’s why adults are more likely to say, "I can’t believe you didn’t invite me to your dinner," versus "I felt left out and sad. I wanted to share that with you.”

So, what is your child's experience underneath those hurtful words? Vulnerable feelings. Under "Daddy was mean to me" could be a feeling of overwhelm. Under "Mommy pushed me!" is probably "I was out of control and needed boundaries, and yes, I'm glad someone set them, but also, that whole thing just felt scary." Under "You hurt my feelings" is...well, hurt feelings.

I wouldn't try to explain this to your child. You don't want to say, "You tend to accuse me of things when you're feeling vulnerable because it’s easier for you to think about others putting painful experiences into your body rather than thinking about the painful feelings themselves." But, while you're not saying this explicitly, knowing this will make it easier for you as a parent.

The goal, which happens slowly and over time, is to help our kids move from seeing their internal experience as a set of feelings that others are causing to a set of feelings that are their own.

Painful feelings can feel so unraveling and powerful that it feels safer to imagine these feelings being "put into” a child rather than living inside them. But we know that these feelings, while painful, aren't dangerous… they can live in your child... and this is really at the core of what we are trying to help them with.

Now, let's zoom back into the moment. What can you say in response to "Daddy pushed me!" or "Mommy was mean to me!"? Let’s go over three steps, and then I’ll share an example:

How to Validate Your Child’s Experience without Confirming an Exact Story:
<ol>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Name what didn’t feel good to your child.</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Validate your child’s feelings. Let them know you believe them.</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Stay focused on your child rather than the adult or person they blame.</li>
</ol>
Here are some examples:
<ul>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">"You had some tricky moments with Daddy last night. They didn't feel good to you. I believe you."</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">"When Mommy said you couldn’t watch TV... it didn't feel that good to you. I know. I believe you." </li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">If your child rails back, "Yes, because he pushed me!" or "Yes, because she was mean to me!" I would say back, "You know it felt bad. I know it felt bad for you, too."</li>
</ul>
I'm not taking the bait. I'm not arguing or pushing back. I'm not saying, "That's not true!" or "That's not what happened.” Instead, I’m shifting my child’s gaze from outside (others hurting them) to inside (looking at their own feelings).

Trust these small interventions. They don’t lead to change overnight, but you are building your child’s capacity to move away from blame and to, instead, tolerate the uncomfortable feelings in their bodies.

What to Do When Your Child Says, “Daddy or Mommy Was Mean!”

Right, But Should We Be Scheduling Sex? Esther Perel Answers All The Questions

Sex? After Kids? Tell Me More, Esther Perel

Trying to Be Everything

We Can Do Hard Things Crossover

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Guide to Running a Good Inside Family Meeting

Shifting Punishment Thoughts to Good Inside Thoughts

How Do I Explain Parenting Approach Changes to My Kids

Formula to Replace Threats with Boundaries and Connection

Problem Behaviors

When You Can’t Change the Situation, Center Your Kid

You Can't Change the Hard But You Can Change the Alone

Stop the Spiral

Reparenting

Effective Alternatives to Punishments: Transforming Behavior and Strengthening Bonds

Kids! Parenting When They're Not Just Like Us

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Book Club Discussion Questions

The Poop Episode

Essential Labor: Mothering As Social Change

I Wish I'd Had That As A Kid

The Voices Inside Our Heads

Is It Okay To Quit

Are We There Yet?

This outline is designed to guide you through the <a href="https://www.goodinside.com/workshop/2507/building-resilience-frustration-tolerance/view/">Building Resilience and Improving Frustration Tolerance in Children Workshop</a>. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas. 



<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" download="" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/Frustration-Tolerance-Workshop-Outline.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Download Outline</a>

Frustration Tolerance Outline

This outline is designed to guide you through the <a href="https://www.goodinside.com/workshop/1527/build-confidence-in-kids/view/">Confidence from the Inside Out Workshop</a>. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas.&nbsp;



<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" download="" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/Confidence-Workshop-Outline.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Download Outline</a>

Confidence from the Inside Out Outline

How to Encourage Independent Play With Lizzie Assa

If I Don’t Punish My Kid, How Will They Learn?

How to Use “Two Things Are True”® to Hold a Boundary With Your Kids

Tantrums

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Addressing the Child Care Crisis With Gloria Riviera

Parenting Tweens and Teaching Consent With Hillary Frank

This outline is designed to guide you through the&nbsp;<a href="https://www.goodinside.com/workshop/3212/end-food-battles-a-guide-to-managing-meals-snacks-and-desserts-with-your-kids/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">End Food Battles Workshop</a>. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas.



<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" download="" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/End-Food-Battles-Workshop-Outline_060722.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Download Outline</a>

End Food Battles Outline

Mantras for When You Have to Make a Difficult Decision for Your Child

When You Have to Make a Difficult Decision

Raffi on Curiosity, Play, and Treating Kids with Respect

Sharon Says So: How to Teach Our Children Emotional Resilience with Dr. Becky Kennedy

End Food Battles: A Guide to Managing Meals, Snacks, and Desserts with Your Kids

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