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Dr. Becky:
You&#8217;re listening to Good Inside with Dr. Becky. I have so many ideas, strategies, and scripts to share with you right after a word from our sponsor. Hi, I&#8217;m Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I&#8217;m a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away.
Dr. Becky:
One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle, and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. This episode is a bonus of sorts in extra for parents of tweens and teens. I get so many requests to do more episodes, have more content for parents of older children. And when I was recording an episode about peer dynamics, I received one voicemail that was different from the others.
Dr. Becky:
It was not focused on elementary school or toddlerhood. It was focused on what do I do with my seventh grader. And also how does social media relate to feelings in friendships and to feeling excluded. If those topics are relevant in your life, this bonus episode is for you. So let&#8217;s listen to a voicemail from [Vishelly 00:01:58], where she talks about her middle school age child. And then after that, I&#8217;ll jump into a bunch of ideas and strategies.
Vaishali:
Hi, Dr. Becky, my name is Vishelly, and I live in San Diego. I have a seventh grade girl who found out that she was not invited to a birthday party that took place in a shopping mall and all the other kids in her peer group were. And they were discussing it on Monday after the event, which made me pretty happy that she doesn&#8217;t have social media yet because that would&#8217;ve been even harder and quicker for her to see. And she was very upset by this. I mean, she was in tears. She changed tables, didn&#8217;t want to sit with them anymore. And she took it very much to heart. We later found out that the person was celebrating their birthday and could only invite a certain amount of people or so that&#8217;s what she was told.
Vaishali:
I didn&#8217;t interfere because I have been listening to you for a long time and I just tried to coach her from home. But it did cross my mind to text one of the parents and ask why she wasn&#8217;t invited. It wasn&#8217;t something that she&#8217;s doing that she wouldn&#8217;t be wanted in that kind of setting, or I don&#8217;t know. She sits with these kids every day and this is her peer group. So it was surprising to me. How would you recommend something like this be handled and how do we better prepare our kids for not being invited to things and explain to them before they have social media that they will find out they&#8217;re missing out on a lot at a much more rapid rate.
Vaishali:
And when do we as parents discuss with our kids, when is the right time for social media, based on how she reacted from hearing about this two days ago? I don&#8217;t think it would be healthy for her to have Instagram or Snapchat where she would see it right away. And I don&#8217;t know how much more intense the reaction would be.
Dr. Becky:
Hi, Vishelly, thank you so much for calling in with such a nuanced situation. And I think it&#8217;s a situation that so many parents have to manage with their tweens and teens. Our kids get older, their peer life means even more to them. And then when they&#8217;re excluded, things feel that much worse. How do we intervene with our kids who are 12, 16 older when they clearly feel upset about a difficult situation with a friend? I want to go over a few things and I want to go over them in terms of things you can do in the moment when your child shares with you what happened and things to do outside of the moment.
Dr. Becky:
And even thinking about both sets of strategies is really helpful because when your child shares a moment where they feel so vulnerable, so hurt, there are so many things we want to do that really aren&#8217;t effective or even appropriate for that moment. So let&#8217;s really walk through what to do in the moment of hurt. And then what we can think about outside that moment, in the moment. Your child shares with you, she found out about this party, she wasn&#8217;t invited, she&#8217;s super, super upset. These three lines are so helpful with teens. And the first one is going to sound surprising because it&#8217;s not our instinct to say something like this, &#8220;Mom, I wasn&#8217;t invited. I&#8217;m the only one who wasn&#8217;t invited to this birthday party.&#8221;
Dr. Becky:
&#8220;I&#8217;m so glad we&#8217;re talking about this. I&#8217;m so glad you came to me with this. I&#8217;m so glad you&#8217;re sharing this with me.&#8221; And then maybe add on, &#8220;This is so important.&#8221; Those words are a message to your child that you are there for them. That you see how big this is and that you&#8217;re not jumping right away to a quick fix. It almost is like you opening a door. It&#8217;s like, they&#8217;re standing on one side of the door and you&#8217;re saying, &#8220;Yes, come in. We can be in this together.&#8221; What else would I say? After that, I&#8217;d share something like this. &#8220;Wow. This stinks. This is so awful feeling. I believe you.&#8221; Some comment that just validates the intensity of the emotion.
Dr. Becky:
I think we can all remember what it was like to be a teenager and feel excluded from something. It feels like your whole world. It feels so bad. And I think it&#8217;s hard for us to see our kid in pain. And so we often minimize what&#8217;s happening. &#8220;You weren&#8217;t invited to one party, it&#8217;s fine,&#8221; or &#8220;You can have a get together with a different group of people next weekend, you can go to the mall, you can go to the movies.&#8221; And we do that because we feel uncomfortable in our kids distress. But what it ends up saying to our kid is, &#8220;You shouldn&#8217;t feel this way. And I&#8217;m not someone you can talk to about this,&#8221; which usually isn&#8217;t the message we want to send our kids.
Dr. Becky:
So instead when we share, &#8220;I&#8217;m so glad you came to me with this, this really stinks. I believe you. This feels awful.&#8221; Our kid feels our presence, presence, presence, presence. This is everything in a moment of distress. Our feelings don&#8217;t give us problems. The aloneness in our feelings give us problems. And so when you say to your child, essentially, &#8220;I&#8217;m here with you in this.&#8221; You take away the part of the distress that&#8217;s from aloneness. And when we take away the aloneness, our distress immediately becomes more tolerable. What would I say after that? These three words, &#8220;Tell me more.&#8221;
Dr. Becky:
And I&#8217;d want to hear more about the specifics of what was happening from my child when they found out this news. &#8220;Where were you when it happened? Oh, you&#8217;re at the lunch table. Huh, who were you sitting near? Oh, okay. Were you facing the wall or were you facing the window? Because, oh, you&#8217;re facing the window. You were right there.&#8221; Why am I asking these questions? Does it really matter? No. That specific content doesn&#8217;t matter. What matters so much is when I ask those specific questions, I actually get into that memory of pain. I get into that moment where my child felt so alone and I&#8217;m there with them.
Dr. Becky:
Right now Vishelly, imagine you just found out some really upsetting news about being excluded from something. All of your best friends went to a lunch without you, or you found out they all planned a mom&#8217;s weekend away and organized it and had some fun location and you weren&#8217;t invited. Now imagine someone you care about, a friend, a family member, a partner, being so interested in your experience that they would say, &#8220;Oh, you&#8217;re at your work desk. Was anyone else around? Oh, no. And then what happened?&#8221; You know someone really cares about you and is really listening and is really invested in you when they ask those specific questions.
Dr. Becky:
Again, does it take away the moment or the pain? No, but we can&#8217;t take away the moment or the pain. And frankly, we wouldn&#8217;t want to because when we join our child, when we support them, not only do we help them in that moment, we actually build their resilience for life because this is not the last time your child will feel rejected or feel excluded. And if your child&#8217;s body remembers support, remembers your presence, remembers your interested compassionate words, but guess what? When she&#8217;s an adult, she will be wired to have compassionate words for herself in those moments. And that is what coping is all about. Okay. What about outside the moment?
Dr. Becky:
Well, you raised an important question this, &#8220;I wonder why my child was excluded. Should I call another parent and figure that out? Does my child do something that is hurtful to the other kids?&#8221; I actually think those are useful questions. It&#8217;s important for us to help our kid understand themselves in the context of their peer relationships, but not in a situation like this. The way I think about it is this situation is too hot to explore our child&#8217;s role. I think you can use this situation to put your antenna up, &#8220;Huh, outside of this situation, I&#8217;m going to pay more attention to how my child interacts with their friends. I&#8217;m going to see if I notice anything.&#8221;
Dr. Becky:
But I would use it as that type of starting point for your thought process and investigation, not as the jumping in point to look at something your child might be doing that off pudding because your child is already feeling so vulnerable and so rejected that we don&#8217;t need to add on to those feelings. One last point in response to your bigger question. What about social media? Now we could do a whole podcast series just about teens in social media. And maybe at some point you got my wheels speeding. Maybe we should because I love thinking about this. But in the interest of time, in this episode, yes. I see how you take this situation and go to the thought, &#8220;Huh, well, when my child&#8217;s on Instagram or Snapchat or any other platform, they&#8217;re going to have so much information in their face about things that happened that they weren&#8217;t invited to.&#8221;
Dr. Becky:
There&#8217;s a couple things I would think about in terms of skills a child needs psychological skills, coping skills, a child needs before they enter into the world of social media. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but just a few things that come to mind now. One, self talk to manage feelings of exclusion. Going on social media, especially for a teen, is this experience over and over? &#8220;Ah, I would&#8217;ve liked to been invited to that. Oh, they look like they were having more fun than I was having. Huh, why wasn&#8217;t I invited there? Oh, my friend was invited there. I think if my friend was invited, I wouldn&#8217;t be invited.&#8221; It is just being flooded with exclusion.
Dr. Becky:
We can think as part of our job with our kids as preparing them for those inevitable moments by building up their arsenal of tools to talk themselves through it. Here&#8217;s how I might start. &#8220;You know what happened to me the other day? I saw a picture of my friends at lunch and I wasn&#8217;t there and it felt like I wasn&#8217;t at lunch. I wonder if nobody likes me. I felt like I wasn&#8217;t at lunch. I wonder if I have no friends at all.&#8221; It&#8217;s like I see a picture of a moment. And then I jump to some huge big truth about myself, &#8220;Huh, well, it didn&#8217;t totally take away that hard feeling but after I saw that picture, I put my feet on round and I just said to myself, I feel upset.
Dr. Becky:
And I&#8217;m a good person with friends. I feel upset. And I&#8217;m a good person with friends.&#8221; That was helpful because then the upset feeling, didn&#8217;t convince to me that I didn&#8217;t have friends. When my kids start using social media, I absolutely want to know that they have a way of talking to themselves when they feel excluded so that the exclusion doesn&#8217;t become who they are. It becomes an experience they had. What else? When it comes to social media, I would definitely talk to my kids about developing mindfulness around what they put out there. Social media is especially dangerous because so many kids put out photos or videos to get a response from others.
Dr. Becky:
It&#8217;s a very outside in way of gaining validation as in, &#8220;Oh, if a lot of people like my picture, I guess it means I&#8217;m popular. If a lot of people like my video, I guess it means I&#8217;m cool,&#8221; versus, &#8220;I really like this photo. I know I like it. I really like this thing about it and I&#8217;m going to share it with people on my social media feed.&#8221; If a child can&#8217;t articulate, why they like something before they put it out into social media, it probably means they&#8217;re waiting for that like to be defined by someone else. And that is really dangerous to a child&#8217;s mental health. One other thing I would do before venturing into the world of social media, I would talk about it with my kid.
Dr. Becky:
I&#8217;d be very open about the things about social media that can be helpful in my own life even and the things that can be dangerous. I would also talk to my child, even model checking in with myself before I start scrolling on site Instagram. &#8220;Huh, how am I feeling right now? Well, I&#8217;m feeling pretty happy. I feel pretty content. What am I hoping to learn? What am I hoping to feel by going on social media?&#8221; And then maybe even modeling pausing after five minutes, setting a timer. &#8220;Huh, am I getting what I wanted? How do I feel now? Oh, that&#8217;s interesting. I thought I was going on to look up recipes and instead mindlessly scrolling through other people&#8217;s vacations.
Dr. Becky:
Huh, I was feeling pretty content, now I feel pretty insecure.&#8221; I&#8217;m not trying to make some huge life lesson point, but really trying to help my child understand and that we need to collect data about ourselves as we use social media. So social media essentially, doesn&#8217;t just happen to us and leave us in a really, really insecure anxious place. So this was thing totally new for me. An episode directed at parents of tweens and teens. I would love to know what you think. Please email goodinsidepodcast@gmail.com. Let us know if you like this episode, if you&#8217;d like to have more episodes directed at this age group. And if you really love this episode, please leave a review or a post about the episode on social media so more parents can get connected.
Dr. Becky:
Thanks for listening to Good Inside. I love co-creating episodes with you based on the real life tricky situations in your family. To share what&#8217;s happening in your home, you can call 646-598-2543, or email a voice note to goodinsidepodcast@gmail.com. There are so many more strategies and tips I want to share with you. Head to goodinside.com and sign up for Good Insider, my free weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And follow me on Instagram and Facebook @drbeckyatgoodinside for a daily dose of parenting and self-care ideas.
Dr. Becky:
Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Beth Rowe and Marie Cecile Anderson, and executive produced by Erica Belsky and me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review it, or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation. Let&#8217;s end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, &#8220;Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.&#8221;

When Your Tween Is Rejected

Foundations

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Foundational Strategy For Every Feeling

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Go-to Foundational Ideas

Raising Antiracist Children with Britt Hawthorne

Chore Ideas for Kids of All Ages

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<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/GoodInside_GuidetoChores_v1_8.4.23.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide &amp; Worksheet</a>

How to think about chores:

You’re sick of picking up your kids’ clothes from the floor, seeing their toys all over the place, clearing their dinner plate for them. And one night, after you step on that lego piece or notice their jacket on the floor, your frustration bubbles over and you declare, “You have to start helping around the house! This is ridiculous!” Sound familiar?

We get it, we’ve been there too. It’s infuriating to watch your child not take care
of their stuff and not help out around the house. And yet this is true as well: no successful chore routine has ever come out of feeling frustrated with our kid - because as long as we approach our child as if they are a problem or a “bad kid,” a chore routine will feel like punishment. And then, chores become a source of power struggles and conflict... the opposite of what we want!

Remember this: you have a good kid. You do! And your good kid needs your help developing a sense of responsibility, purpose, organization, and self-sufficiency. We begin chores with our kids because we love our kids and want to help them to develop these same values; chores need to come from a place of being on our kid’s team, not acting as their disciplinarian.

At what age should I start chores?

There’s no one right age - and in fact, before we think about “starting chores,” we need to think about something else: helping our child identify as responsible and helpful. After all, if a child doesn’t feel capable of independent chores, they won’t be successful in doing them. It’s kind of like asking a child to practice swimming before teaching them how to swim. Chores are a way to practice responsibility, helpfulness, and independence, which means we first have to help a child feel responsible, helpful, and independent.

We can help develop responsibility, helpfulness, and independence in a child of any age. One place to start is to start naming and seeing these qualities inside your child - instead of focusing on the times they’re not present. Children respond to the versions of themselves we reflect back - so if we tell them that they are unhelpful and ungrateful, they build that version of themselves; if we tell them that we see their responsibility and independence, those qualities will grow.

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Here are some examples:
<ul>
 	<li>Say to your 1-year-old: “Can you put that sock in the hamper? Wow... you did it! That’s what I call being responsible for your things. Amazing!” instead of seeing the sock on the floor, picking it up yourself and thinking, “Ugh I do everything around here!”</li>
 	<li>Catch your 4-year-old being responsible and say: “I noticed how you put your shoes in the closet like I asked. You are really taking care of your stuff. That matters,” instead of “You never put your shoes away, you don’t appreciate anything!”</li>
 	<li>When your 8-year-old whines about having to clear their plate, say, “I know it’s annoying. I also know you’re a kid who is responsible and helpful around the house. I appreciate your doing something that’s not so fun to help out the family” instead of “Stop whining! It’s not a big deal and you already do so little. Come on.”</li>
</ul>
We can’t continue to give the message to our children that they are unhelpful and dependent and then expect them to develop a sense of responsibility and self- sufficiency. Before you begin a chore routine, spend a month or so “seeing” the qualities in your child that you want to bring out. It’s magic.

Turning responsibility into chores:

After laying a foundation in responsibility and capability, you are more ready to implement a chore routine. Whether your child is three or eleven, these steps will help you transition to having chores in your family.

1. Same Team Mindset. Remind yourself: you and your child are on the same team, working to help your child further develop responsibility, independence, and self-sufficiency. Chores come from this place - not from a place of exasperation with your child. Remind yourself, “I have a good, capable kid. I have a good, capable kid” so you can approach the conversation from a place of empowerment, not punishment.

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2. Collaborate, Don’t Dictate: If we think about chores as a way to develop responsibility, independence, and self-sufficiency, then it doesn’t matter exactly what your child does - as long as it’s a way to put these values into action. This is great news because instead of telling your child, “You are in charge of emptying the trash,” you can say, “You’re a kid who is so capable - and you’re becoming more and more independent. So cool. I’d love to think about how you can help out with some stuff around the house. I’m thinking about things like taking out the trash or setting the table or wiping down the bathroom counters. Hm... what do you think? I’m flexible here and would love to hear your ideas.”

3. Make it Visual. After you come up with initial chore ideas, make it visual - meaning create a chart or a way for your child to have a visual reminder of their new responsibilities. Chores without visuals are a set-up for disaster - kids cannot remember what to do, parents feel frustrated when things don’t get done, and now the chore process is filled with accusations (“You’re so irresponsible!”) and power struggles (“I’m not clearing my plate!”). Charts not only give kids a much-needed prompt, they also allow you to be your kids’ teammate instead of enemy; when you have a chart, you never have to say, “Did you take out the trash? Come on, you have to do that now!!” and can instead say, “Huh, what are your responsibilities on Monday? Hm.... let’s look at that chart together. Ah, it says Monday means taking out the trash.”

4. See Your Child’s Efforts. We all like to feel seen. When you begin chores with your child, let them know you see their hard work. It’s true - they may forget things and they likely won’t be “perfect” but see if you can focus on the moments they are leaning into chores instead of only talking about the moments of forgetting or complaints. This means saying things like, “I noticed you cleared your plate today without my reminding you. That’s a big deal” or “Our bathroom counter is so squeaky clean. It looks awesome. I know that’s because of you. Thank you” or “I’m loving having a new empty trash can every Monday! It makes my time in the kitchen so much more pleasant. You’re making that happen; thank you, I appreciate it.”

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Parents’ response to chores:

Ok let’s be honest: your child - no matter what their age - will likely not be able to complete their chores to the same level as you would be able to do the same thing. When they wipe down the kitchen table, there may be streaks; when they sort the silverware, a big spoon may end up in the little-spoon compartment; when they fold laundry, you may be having a panic attack that it looks no different than it did un-folded.

AND this is true as well: the more we criticize the streaks on the table, the misplaced spoon, and the messily-folded laundry, the more intimidating and unpleasant chores become. This is true for us too, right? If we are practicing something new and someone criticizes the results, it’s hard to have a positive attitude.

Let’s remember: the point of chores is to build a kid’s sense of capability, independence, and responsibility. And the irony is this: as a child feels more and more capable, independent, and responsible, they will become “better” and their chore tasks. So, focus on efforts, not results. Repeat this with me: “Effort, not results. Effort, not results. Effort, not results.”

Here are some guidelines around how to give your child feedback: in the early days, focus only on effort. Here are some examples of scripts you might use:
<ul>
 	<li>“This is your first time folding laundry! Of course it’s hard. You’re working hard and that’s what matters.”</li>
 	<li>“Wow, you remembered to wipe down the table! I love you.”</li>
 	<li>“You’re noticing which is a spoon and which is a fork and which is a knife. YES! I knew this was the right job for you.”</li>
</ul>
Wait at least three to four weeks to mention anything about results. Continue to notice effort as well. Here are some examples of scripts you might use:

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<ul>
 	<li>“You’re really getting this folding thing down. Those socks! Wow. Matched perfectly. Ugh... t-shirts. So hard. I want to show you a trick I use...watch this”</li>
 	<li>“Thank you for wiping the table. It helps our family so much. I wonder if you can put a bit more power into that corner, really scrub away those crumbs!”</li>
 	<li>“Thank you for putting the silverware away. Tricky to notice which spoons are big and which are small right? For me too.”</li>
</ul>
When your child resists:

It’s normal to have periods where your child resists doing chores or gives you extra pushback around them. Remind yourself: “I am a good parent and I have a good kid, and we can figure this out” to stop yourself from spiraling into the story of “My kid doesn’t appreciate anything!” or “My kid never listens to me!” Approach your child from a place of collaboration and curiosity - not criticism. Instead of saying to your child, “You have to do your chores this week or you don’t get dessert” or “How hard is it to remember to do one or two things? You’re so irresponsible!” try, “I’m noticing it’s been hard to remember to do your chores this week. Any idea what’s getting in the way?”

Chore ideas:

We want to make the chore process as easy as possible for you - so we thought it would be helpful to brainstorm chores by age. Check out the Chore Ideas for Kids of All Ages Worksheet.

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Guide to Chores

Revisit - Is It Okay To Quit?

How to Talk to Kids About Money

The Empowered Dad with Ashton Kutcher

Allowance Worksheet

<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/GoodInside_AllowanceGuide_v4.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide &amp; Worksheet</a>

How to think about allowance:

Here at Good Inside, we love building a kid’s independence and sense of  responsibility, as well as their frustration tolerance, patience, and planning skills. Enter allowance! Allowance teaches kids about the finite nature of money, the pros and cons of saving versus spending, and the importance of being thoughtful around purchasing decisions. 

For kids who are especially into trinkets, stickers, collectibles, and other material  items, allowance provides parents a system for decision making - so instead of  constantly debating, “Huh, do I get that for my kid today? Do I say yes or no?” and dealing with your child’s reaction to the unpredictability of your choices, you and your child can have a reliable schedule. Everyone wins. 

At what age should I start allowance? 

There’s no one right age - so feel free to follow your child’s lead regarding their  interest in numbers, their curiosity about money, and their desire for independence. Some families start an allowance at age 3 or 4 when they notice their child talking about money, asking to buy things at a store, or wanting to make their own purchasing decisions. Other families wait until closer to age 7 or 8. There’s no right answer. If your child seems ready, go for it. If it turns out it was too early and your child loses interest, you can always pause and try it again later. 

How much do I give my kids?  

Lots of families use a $1 per year of age per week rule - $4/week for 4-year-olds, $7/week for 7-year-olds, etc. Remember, you know your family and their needs the best. Some families have rules about how the allowance will be divided - for example, 20% to Save, 20% to Give, 60% to Spend is a common rule, such that a $5 weekly allowance would be divided into three containers: $1 Save, $1 Give, $3 Spend. Other families give free reign without any division. 

Should I create guidelines for what my child does with their money? 

I encourage families to make amount and guideline decisions based on this  question: “What amount of money and what guidelines help us accomplish the goals of why we are doing allowance in the first place?”  

EXAMPLE 1: If one reason for allowance is to help your child appreciate that “money doesn’t grow on trees,” then we’d suggest not giving so much money that your child could buy, each week, an item they want. 

Let’s say your child is into Pokemon packs that cost $5 each. If you want your child to learn patience, frustration tolerance, and delay of gratification, I’d be sure to give less than $5/week so waiting is built-in to the process.  

EXAMPLE 2: If you want your child to understand the power of saving, I would  make sure to give an amount where your child could purchase some less-valuable item or save for a few weeks to purchase the item that they are most hoping for.  

If your child is hoping to buy a new headband that costs $12 but also likes  stickers that cost $3, I would want to be sure to give her less than $12 per week so she can live through the reality of having to either buy stickers and be  further away from affording the headband or forgo the stickers and save four weeks to get the headband. 

EXAMPLE 3: If you want your child to more actively think about charitable causes, having a “Give” jar each week would encourage your child to think about how to support others. 

Think about the lessons you want allowance to teach and the experiences you want it to give your child - and then structure the allowance in a way that allows your child to get these intended benefits. 

Do I actually have to get cash each week? 

Yes! I know. It’s a pain. And, getting exact cash for a child’s allowance is important. One of the reasons allowance is helpful to kids is because money, spending, and saving stop being nebulous and start being concrete. Having physical money is what allows this to happen.

Should I link allowance to chores?  

We recommend not linking allowance to chores. To us, chores embody the  belief, “In our family, we work together to take care of our home. Everyone has something to contribute, everyone can help out.” As soon as chores are linked  to allowance, kids tend to get into a “Ok what’s in it for me?” mindset. We don’t want, years from now, to ask our kid to help fold laundry and hear back, “Well,  how much are you going to pay me?” We want kids to have a sense of ownership, responsibility, and even pride in taking care of their family home - and the more we focus on external rewards (like allowance) for chores, the more we actually get in the way of our child building internal motivation and purpose. 

Should I put guidelines around what allowance money can be spent on? 

It’s important to set guidelines around what allowance can be used for. Some families don’t set guidelines because they want their kids to have free reign - and yes, this means their child might buy a chocolate bar every single week. Think about what makes sense for your family, what level of trust and personal decision-making you feel comfortable giving your kid. Be clear on what is not allowed and leave room for your child to have one of the biggest benefits of allowance - making their own choices (and living with the outcomes!). 

How do I put this all into action? 

Got you covered. Check out the Good Inside Allowance Worksheet - complete it with your child so everything is clear and so allowance can actually serve its intended purpose!

Guide to Allowance

Atomic Parenting Habits

5 Things to Say at Mealtime to Encourage Healthy Eating Patterns

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Repeat After Me With Jazmyn Simon & Dulé Hill

“I’m not going to the doctor! You can’t make me! No No NO!” Yes, we’ve been there too. You’re not alone - and nothing is wrong with you or your kid - if doctor’s visits are full of protest, screams, and tears. And here’s the good news: you’re in the right place to learn what’s really going on here and what you can do to help your child, and yourself. Let’s jump in.

Big Idea

If you remember nothing else, remember this: There is so much power in preparation. When we prepare our kids for challenging things to come, we can generate feelings of mastery and connection and safety - and what’s amazing is these feelings transfer to the very moments we need them most. 

So while it’s easy to avoid talking about tough situations and get into a, “Oh I don’t want to bring this up and make my child anxious!” mindset, we’re going to do an almost 180 degree approach: talk about the things that feel nerve-wracking, approach them head-on, and show our kids that we aren't as afraid as they are. Our kids absorb our sturdiness which helps them feel more in control and less afraid.

So how do we do this when it comes to taking our kids to the doctor? Follow these step-by-step guidelines to reduce anxiety and increase empowerment - for everyone!
<ol>
 	<li>Share details. Talk about the waiting room, doctors, procedures. </li>
</ol>
Talking about details allows your child to imagine what’s to come - and so instead of the unknown, you’re talking about something, well… known! Use these words to begin this conversation: "Tomorrow is your check-up. Let's talk about what will happen so we know what to expect."

2. Act it out in play. Play allows kids to preview what's to come and to practice coping skills.

Suddenly you have new use for all the stuffed animals, baby dolls, and toy dinosaurs in your home! Your child lives in a world of play - that’s where they try out new ideas, practice new skills, and seek to understand the world. So let’s meet them there. Share these words with your child to gain mastery within play: “Hey, let’s take your favorite Teddy and show him what a doctor’s check-up will be like! Because I’m sure Teddy is wondering and for all of us, and Teddy too, knowing what’s to come helps us feel ready!” 

Then think about each step: driving to the doctor, waiting in the waiting room, a stethoscope to listen to breathing, using a tool to look into ears and throat, etc. You can use words like, “Hey Teddy! Let’s go through each step starting with driving to the doctor… yup let’s get into the car and buckle up!... drive drive drive… oh it’s kinda long huh!.... Ok here we are, time to wait in the waiting room! Oh… there are books! And oh… other kids and babies!.... Ok they called our name, Teddy, let’s go into our room and wow… look at that crinkly paper on top of the doctor’s table…” What I am doing here is “making the unfamiliar more familiar” - which helps kids understand and feel in control.

You may want to add things like: “Let's listen to his breathing… and now let's look into his ears! How is this feeling, Teddy?"

3. Use a book. Books normalize experiences and build mastery and familiarity.

There are so many picture books that go over and illustrate a doctor’s appointment, step-by-step. A few days before the appointment, feel free to incorporate this into your reading routine: "Oh! A book about going to the doctor. How perfect because your appointment is later this week! Let's read it..."

4. Emotional vaccination. Talking about feelings in advance sets the stage for regulation.

Many parents wonder how to handle shots or blood tests. You know your child best. It’s ok to not tell your child about this days and weeks in advance if you know your child will ruminate about it and spiral in worry. At the same time, that doesn’t mean it feels good to a child to all of a sudden have a needle stuck into their body - we need to find an approach that’s between the extremes of talking-about-it-all-the-time and never-mentioning-it.

Often words like this help: "It's ok if you're nervous about your blood test. You're allowed to feel that way” or “A shot? That may be part of what happens at the doctor. It’s ok to be nervous about it. I know that we will get through it.

5. Focus on your presence. You cannot provide certainty about every detail, but you can assure your child that you'll be right there with them.

This is key: when kids are nervous, instead of answering all of their anxiety-filled questions, shift to a focus on your presence. That likely is a new idea, and here’s why it’s powerful: whenever we’re anxious about something in the future, it helps to focus less on the unknowns of the situation and more on our own coping ability.  And when it comes to kids, a key part of their coping is knowing that you will be with them the whole time. In other words, parents cannot take away all the hard parts of life but we can assure our kids that they won’t be alone with the hard parts of life. Try words like this: "Here's what I know for sure: I will be with you the whole time. I will stay right by your side." And if you want, add in: “And we will get through it, together. I just know it.”

Remember: Our goal isn’t to prevent crying or avoid worry. Our goal is to have our child feel safe and secure, which depends on our honesty and connection.

Last Thought: It’s okay if your child is nervous about doctor’s visits. Your main goal is to allow them to feel the way they feel (i.e., “It’s okay to be nervous.”) while also showing up as a sturdy optimistic leader for them (i.e., “And I know we will get through it.”). If your child tends to be filled with worry and hesitation, the <a href="https://www.goodinside.com/workshop/1560/anxiety-worry-in-kids/">Kids Anxiety Workshop</a> will give you even more support for helping your child build resilience and key coping skills. You’ve got this. And we’re here to support you along your parenting journey.

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Guide to Preparing Your Child for the Doctor

How to Talk About School Lockdowns

How to Explain the Good Inside Approach to Others

<h2>How to Explain Lockdown Drills:</h2>
“You might have something at school called a lockdown drill, and I want to explain to you what it is. Lockdown is when people don’t move around and instead stay exactly in the room they’re in, and a drill means practice. So a lockdown drill is when kids and teachers practice staying in the classroom. 

You know how I tell you that my number 1 job is to keep you safe? Your school has 2 jobs, to help you learn and, also, to keep you safe.

There are many things you do at school to practice being safe... Lining up to leave your classroom helps teachers know where every kid is - so they can keep every kid safe. Doing fire drills helps all the kids and adults know what to do and how to be safe in case there is ever a fire.

During a lockdown drill, safety looks like moving to a different spot in your classroom and staying very quiet. Your teacher may also turn off the lights and lock the classroom door so everyone stays safe inside. Your lockdown drill may happen when you aren’t expecting it and that might feel surprising. 

Why do you have to practice this? Sometimes people who should not be in a school go into a school, and your school wants to make sure everyone knows what to do if that happens so they stay safe. It doesn’t happen very often. I wish it didn’t happen at all. 

Sometimes these drills might feel a little weird or scary. I’m always here to talk about it.”
<h2>If Your Child Asks Questions about Gun Violence Being Related to Lockdown Drills:</h2>
<ul>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Start here: “I’m so glad that you came to me to talk about this. Tell me more - what have you heard, what are you worried about?” Pause. </li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">“Yes. I wish this wasn’t true and it is true. There have been times where people brought guns into schools and used those guns to harm others. This is rare and it has happened.”</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">“Why? I don’t have a good answer. No one has a great answer for why people harm other people in this way. And sometimes… when we ask why… we’re also just worried. Or we wish it wasn’t true. I’m right there with you, sweetie. It’s a really upsetting thing to think about.” </li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Add: “I get that this might feel really upsetting and scary.. It feels that way for me and other adults too. I’ll always be here to talk about upsetting and scary things."</li>
</ul>
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Guide to Explaining Lockdown Drills

Navigating Tricky Friendship Moments: Your Role As A Parent

School

<ol>
 	<li>WAIT. Pause, remember this isn't an emergency. Give yourself permission not to fix anything or make any major changes. Kids often need time and just some support to figure things out, not any major intervention.</li>
 	<li>Use “It’s almost like” - to go from sticky situation to open up a larger story:
<ul>
 	<li>“When you’re with Mila, it’s almost like she doesn't want you to be with anyone else… to play with any of the other kids… huh…”</li>
 	<li>“When a friend does something that upsets you, it’s almost like they become a bad person, they kind of go from friend to NOT friend huh…”</li>
 	<li>“When your friends are all together and you’re not there, it’s almost like they don’t even like you - huh. It feels like that.”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Use “I get that” or “That’s tricky” to validate and get on same page:
<ul>
 	<li>“I get that... I’d feel the same way too.”</li>
 	<li>“Ugh… that’s tricky.”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Use “I wonder” to open things up:
<ul>
 	<li>“Hm. I wonder if there’s anything we haven't thought about here…”</li>
 	<li>“Hm. I wonder if there’s another way to handle it…”</li>
 	<li>“Hm. I wonder what would happen if you...”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Use “I know you’ll / we’ll figure this out” to add hope and confidence.</li>
 	<li>Use “There’s something about this” - to deal with an in-the-moment tricky situation:
<ul>
 	<li>“There’s something about this that isn’t feeling good to you… you wanted to have Ethan over and now something about playing with him doesn't feel great. Hm.”</li>
 	<li>“There’s something about recess that’s been feeling really hard for you. I believe you. Let’s figure it out.”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Say “I believe you.”</li>
 	<li>Say “It’s hard to figure out what to do when…”:
<ul>
 	<li>“It’s hard to figure out what to do when a good friend upsets you...”</li>
 	<li>“It’s hard to figure out what to do when one of your friends wants to be with you all the time and you like them but also want to be with other people sometimes…”</li>
 	<li>“It’s hard to figure out what to do when your friends are doing something you don’t want to do but you also don’t love being the only one not doing it…”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Say “Friendships are hard. Balancing what you want and what other people want, speaking up and listening, doing what feels good to you and being flexible… it’s all so tricky.”

</li>
 	<li>Say “I don’t know when this will be resolved, I don’t know when you’ll feel better. Here’s what I do know: I know this stinks, I know I’m right here with you, and I know we’ll get through this together.”</li>
</ol>
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Guide to Talking With Your Kids About Tricky Friendship Situations

Clean Plate Club

Scripts for When Your Child Has Trouble Making Friends

When Your Teen Comes to You With Friendship Struggles

Gi Report Card

Vacations with kids can often feel like, well, the opposite of a vacation. Here’s the good news: we know how to make them more manageable. Yes, traveling with kids can be hard AND there is so much we can do in advance to make it just a little bit easier. 
<h3>1. Establish Realistic Expectations:</h3>
The first thing to remember is this: Vacations can be overwhelming for kids. 

Vacation often means a new schedule, different sleeping arrangements, unfamiliar food, and new surroundings. All of this change and constant stimulation can make kids feel out of control on the inside, which often leads to them acting out of control on the outside.

An Establish Realistic Expectations intervention might look like setting a reminder on your phone daily the week before your vacation that says: “There will be challenging moments on my vacation AND I will be able to cope” or talking to a partner in advance and saying, “Hey, just thinking… on our trip - that we’re so excited about - our kids will still have their arguments and meltdowns and whines and rude words. Ugh.  Annoying and I know we’ll deal with it - and talking about it in advance is helpful I think!”
<h3>2. Remove the Surprise:</h3>
Emotions are hard enough to deal with - being surprised by an emotion is that much harder. The element of surprise is often what causes an emotional outburst, as a child feels caught off-guard and overwhelmed. 

When we prepare in advance for what something might feel like, a child is able to experience a feeling without being overwhelmed by the surprise of the feeling. This allows our kids to more easily access coping skills and good decision making.

For example, let’s say you know that there will be some new food on the trip that your child won’t want to eat. A Remove the Surprise intervention might sound something like this, “What if we are on vacation and someone offers you a food you don’t like? What do you think you could say?”  or “Ohhhhh I’m thinking about the hotel bedroom! What if the bed doesn’t feel the same? What if the pillows aren’t mushy or the sheet is a bit less soft?”
<h3>3. Know Your Job:</h3>
As parents, our job is two fold: set boundaries and show empathy. Boundaries are the decisions we make to keep our children safe. Empathy enables us to see our kid's feelings as real even if we don’t agree with them or experience them ourselves. 

For example, let’s say you’ve been waiting in the security line at the airport for a while. Your child starts to get impatient and maybe even tries to kick you in frustration. A Know Your Job intervention might sound something like, "I'm not going to let you kick me. I know you're frustrated. Waiting here is so… well, NOT fun. Ugh it stinks. I know.” 
<h3>4. VPH: Validation, Presence, Hope:</h3>
When your child is feeling anxious or nervous, remember these three things: Validate their feelings, assert your presence, and express hope in getting through the hard time. 

For example, if your child is nervous about flying, a VPH intervention might sound like: "I hear you, you're nervous, and that makes sense because flying is something we don’t do so often. I'll be with you the whole time, and we're going to get through this together." Then, remind your child that you believe in their ability to cope by saying, “Here’s something else I know: This is hard and you are a kid who can do hard things.”
<h3>5. Permission to Say Yes:</h3>
Family vacations aren’t perfect. There will still be moments where your kid throws a tantrum even after you’ve tried to validate their feelings. There will be moments your kids argue even though you want them to get along perfectly and appreciate the trip they’re on. Give yourself permission to take a break, to get the ice cream that will stop your child’s meltdown or let your kid stay up late - rather than trying to hold the same boundaries you hold at home or deliver some perfect script. A Permission to Say Yes intervention might sound like this, “Sure, you can have gummy bears with breakfast” or “Yup, sure, watch that extra show.”

<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/GoodInside_TravelingwithKidsGuide_v2.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide</a>

Guide to Traveling With Kids

Time to Become the Parent You Want to Be

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It can be hard to know what to say when your kid says something like, "Daddy was mean to me!" or "Mommy pushed me!" or "You hurt my feelings!"

We need to start by differentiating your child's words from your child's experience.

After all, their words are accusatory and they blame others.  If we accept them as truth, not only do we feel awful, but we miss helping our children with what they really need help with—seeing their feelings (even their painful ones!) as their own. And not as something someone else "did" to them. 

This can be hard for adults too. It’s why adults are more likely to say, "I can’t believe you didn’t invite me to your dinner," versus "I felt left out and sad. I wanted to share that with you.”

So, what is your child's experience underneath those hurtful words? Vulnerable feelings. Under "Daddy was mean to me" could be a feeling of overwhelm. Under "Mommy pushed me!" is probably "I was out of control and needed boundaries, and yes, I'm glad someone set them, but also, that whole thing just felt scary." Under "You hurt my feelings" is...well, hurt feelings.

I wouldn't try to explain this to your child. You don't want to say, "You tend to accuse me of things when you're feeling vulnerable because it’s easier for you to think about others putting painful experiences into your body rather than thinking about the painful feelings themselves." But, while you're not saying this explicitly, knowing this will make it easier for you as a parent.

The goal, which happens slowly and over time, is to help our kids move from seeing their internal experience as a set of feelings that others are causing to a set of feelings that are their own.

Painful feelings can feel so unraveling and powerful that it feels safer to imagine these feelings being "put into” a child rather than living inside them. But we know that these feelings, while painful, aren't dangerous… they can live in your child... and this is really at the core of what we are trying to help them with.

Now, let's zoom back into the moment. What can you say in response to "Daddy pushed me!" or "Mommy was mean to me!"? Let’s go over three steps, and then I’ll share an example:

How to Validate Your Child’s Experience without Confirming an Exact Story:
<ol>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Name what didn’t feel good to your child.</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Validate your child’s feelings. Let them know you believe them.</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Stay focused on your child rather than the adult or person they blame.</li>
</ol>
Here are some examples:
<ul>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">"You had some tricky moments with Daddy last night. They didn't feel good to you. I believe you."</li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">"When Mommy said you couldn’t watch TV... it didn't feel that good to you. I know. I believe you." </li>
 	<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">If your child rails back, "Yes, because he pushed me!" or "Yes, because she was mean to me!" I would say back, "You know it felt bad. I know it felt bad for you, too."</li>
</ul>
I'm not taking the bait. I'm not arguing or pushing back. I'm not saying, "That's not true!" or "That's not what happened.” Instead, I’m shifting my child’s gaze from outside (others hurting them) to inside (looking at their own feelings).

Trust these small interventions. They don’t lead to change overnight, but you are building your child’s capacity to move away from blame and to, instead, tolerate the uncomfortable feelings in their bodies.

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Book Club Discussion Questions

The Poop Episode

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This outline is designed to guide you through the <a href="https://www.goodinside.com/workshop/2507/building-resilience-frustration-tolerance/view/">Building Resilience and Improving Frustration Tolerance in Children Workshop</a>. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas. 



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Frustration Tolerance Outline

This outline is designed to guide you through the <a href="https://www.goodinside.com/workshop/1527/build-confidence-in-kids/view/">Confidence from the Inside Out Workshop</a>. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas.&nbsp;



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Confidence from the Inside Out Outline

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This outline is designed to guide you through the&nbsp;<a href="https://www.goodinside.com/workshop/3212/end-food-battles-a-guide-to-managing-meals-snacks-and-desserts-with-your-kids/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">End Food Battles Workshop</a>. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas.



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End Food Battles Outline

Mantras for When You Have to Make a Difficult Decision for Your Child

When You Have to Make a Difficult Decision

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Here’s the truth: There’s no right way to talk to our kids about tough topics. I’m a big fan of the mantra, “truth over comfort,” meaning, in my family, we prioritize talking about things that are true over talking about things that are comfortable. Having said this, I certainly won’t have the same conversation with my 4-year-old as I will with my 10-year-old.



I always try to keep this foundational idea in mind: Information doesn’t scare kids as much as “being in the dark'' scares kids. If no one talks to a child and gives them context and a story to understand, well, this is more terrifying to a child than sitting with an adult who explains things to them.&nbsp;



And while there is no one right way to talk about tough topics with kids, there are guidelines we can keep in mind:



<ol><li>Don't just "jump in." Do start slow.</li></ol>



<ul><li>Start with, "I want to talk about something serious that we'll all have big feelings about."</li><li>Talk slowly and make eye contact; this maintains connection and helps a child feel safer.</li></ul>



<ol start="2"><li>Don't be vague. Do use real words.</li></ol>



<ul><li>It's important to tell the truth. Using actual words around death, loss, and trauma builds trust.</li><li>When we avoid hard topics, our children absorb our anxiety about the "things that we aren’t talking about"; this makes them more fearful.</li></ul>



<ol start="3"><li>Don't just stick to the facts. Do check in with their feelings.</li></ol>



<ul><li>Pause at various points and ask, "What's this like to talk about?" It's okay if your child remains silent. You can share, "I know, it's heavy stuff."</li><li>If your child becomes upset, give permission for the feeling and name your presence: "It's okay to feel sad about it. I'm right here with you."</li></ul>



<ol start="4"><li>Don't feel you need to have all the answers. Do learn together–over time.</li></ol>



<ul><li>Feel free to say, "Great question. I don't know. Let's look into it together."</li><li>You can also say, "We can keep talking about this. It’s important we do because I'm sure you will have questions or more feelings may come up."</li></ul>



<ol start="5"><li>Don't make it "neat" and "tied up." Do tolerate the discomfort.</li></ol>



<ul><li>It's okay to cry. You can say, "Our tears tell us that our body has an important reaction. That makes sense given what we're talking about."</li><li>It's okay to be uncomfortable. Remind yourself that discomfort is a sign of doing something new, not doing something wrong.</li></ul>



Have a question? Want to share a thought? Talk about it in the <a href="https://community.goodinside.com/c/foundations/">#FoundationsRoom</a>

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Emotional Validation

Anxiety

Raising Anti-Racist, Anti-Bias Kids With Britt Hawthorne

Why Attachment Matters

Be A Potted Plant

This outline is designed to guide you through the <a href="https://cms.goodinside.com/workshop/1523/improve-parenting-skills/view/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">It's Never Too Late Workshop</a>. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas.  



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It's Never Too Late Outline

This outline is designed to guide you through the <a href="https://cms.goodinside.com/workshop/1810/good-inside-right-from-the-start/view/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Good Inside Right From the Start Workshop</a>. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas.



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Good Inside Right From the Start Outline

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When Your Kid Is Rejected

Divorce Doesn’t Mess Kids Up

Building Resilience and Improving Frustration Tolerance in Children

A “growth mindset” is the belief that skills and qualities can be cultivated through effort and perseverance.



Children who endorse a growth mindset aren't afraid to stick with challenges because they believe that struggling is part of the learning process. In the opposite mindset, a fixed mindset, children believe that failures are evidence of inferiority and so they are hesitant to stick with hard things.



Parents have a critical role in whether their children endorse a growth or fixed mindset. One strategy to start using is this: Start proclaiming Growth Mindset family values, then reference them in moments of struggle or challenge (both your moments and your kids' moments).



<ol><li>In our family, we love to be challenged.</li><li>In our family, how hard we work is more important than coming up with the right answer.</li><li>In our family, we know that not knowing sits next to learning something new. We love learning new things, so we embrace “I don't know" moments.</li><li>In our family, we try to remember that sticking with something hard makes our brains grow. And we're big into brain growth.</li></ol>



Speak about these values often, especially when you've made a "mistake" or don't know something. I've been known to act out Growth Mindset while cooking ("Ugh... I think I messed up this recipe! Well, it was a new one and definitely challenged me... and in our family, we do love to be challenged... I learned how to make it better for the next time so that's pretty awesome!"), when playing games (”Scattegories is so hard for me! There’s just something about this game that doesn’t come easily... well, in our family, we love to be challenged and so, yes, let’s play Scattegories. I’m up for a challenge tonight!”), and when talking about my day at work (”There’s something we just haven’t figured out yet at work... I’m still in that ‘I don’t know’ phase! Ugh it’s tough to be there!”).



Start struggling more around your child. Instead of opening a PlayDoh easily, struggle with your own as your child tries his. Instead of tying your shoes quickly, make a mistake and then try again. Instead of answering your child’s questions, share a question you’re not sure about and look up the answer together.



These Growth Mindset Family Values are critical in helping your child around her school work while she's at home. When kids endorse growth mindset, they become able to talk themselves through tough math problems, they read paragraphs over and over to make sure they understand correctly, and they aren't afraid to start a writing assignment that they know will take them a long time.

4 Family Values That Foster a Growth Mindset

I get asked all of the time, “Why do you never mention timeouts? And if you don’t support them, what do you suggest I do when my child is acting out?” These are great questions. Timeouts are a go-to strategy for countless families, but it’s true, I don’t recommend them to parents in my private practice, and you won’t see me recommending them here.&nbsp;



Why not? A few reasons:



We usually give timeouts in response to a child exhibiting some kind of challenging behavior (hitting, talking back, etc.). Our kids engage in these behaviors because a feeling inside them is so big and overwhelming that it can’t be regulated or processed. So instead, it bursts out of them as an out-of-control behavior.&nbsp;



Feelings and behaviors go together—one proceeds the other. Here are two examples:



I want that block, and my sister has it. I am frustrated! (This is the feeling.) I couldn’t manage the feeling, and so it came out as a hit. (This is the behavior.)



I want this snack right now, and my mom is saying no. I’m so mad! (This is the feeling.) I couldn’t manage this feeling and so I lunge for the cabinet, my mom blocks me, and I pinch her. (This is the behavior.)&nbsp;



Big idea: out-of-control behaviors come from out-of-control feelings and urges. The key to change is to help kids build the skills they need to manage their feelings and urges.



<h2>Separate the Feeling From the Behavior</h2>



One of our main jobs as parents is to help our kids separate feelings from behavior—this is the essence of regulation. When you give a child a timeout, instead of separating your child’s feelings from their behavior, you collapse them together—which is the very thing that led to the problem in the first place! Think of it like this: if you send your kid to their room for throwing a block, they never learn that the feeling of frustration that precipitated throwing the block is normal, even healthy, and they definitely never learn any coping skills for that feeling. Instead, a child learns that BOTH things—the feeling AND the behavior—are bad.



<h2>Understanding the Role of Attachment</h2>



Our kids’ survival rests on attachment. After all, kids only get their basic needs met (food, shelter, water, care) through their relationship with their parents, so figuring out how to attach to parents is of prime evolutionary importance. Attachment is a system of proximity—when we say that kids need to be sure their parents keep them “close,” we don’t just mean emotionally close; we mean literally, spatially closeby. This is how kids are ensured of protection. As a result, kids digest their interactions with caregivers through this question:&nbsp;



“What parts of me lead to closeness? These parts are lovable and good. And what parts of me lead to distance? These parts are unloveable and bad.”&nbsp;



How does this relate to timeouts? Well, timeouts are a form of distance from a caregiver and a feeling of aloneness for a child. Think of this from a child’s perspective:



&nbsp;“If these are the caregivers I need for survival and they send me away because I had a big feeling that caused me to throw a block, those feelings must be so bad and dangerous to the world. I have to make sure never to have that feeling again and when I do, get it out of my body as quickly as possible! ”&nbsp;



So what happens the next time this feeling comes up in their body? Our kids have no skills to manage the feeling, they are now scared of it, AND they have to get the feeling “out of their body” because it feels so dangerous. Enter hitting, biting, throwing, etc.—and the cycle of out-of-control behavior continues.



<h2>But Why Do People Say Timeouts Work for Their Kids?</h2>



I hear it too, but here’s the truth: timeouts appear to “work” for kids who are people-pleasing kids who only feel safe when their parents feel happy with them. But what really happens during the timeout? The child blames themselves and loads up with guilt (“I’m such a bad kid. It’s all my fault. I need to be the part of me that my parents find loveable”). So, yes, it might look like it works, but the child still has no skill to manage tough feelings. Developmentally, this child remains stunted, never learning to manage feelings like frustration, anger, or jealousy. Further, this child builds up their circuit of self-blame and self-criticism, which they will carry into adulthood.



Plus, there’s this: my experience has shown that kids who are parented in their early years with behavioral methods like timeouts, rewards, and punishments grow up to be teens who struggle to have a connection with their parents. All kids reach an age where they essentially say, “You can’t give me a timeout anymore. And I don't care about your sticker charts.”&nbsp; And what do you have then? Well, nothing. Only years of missed opportunities to connect to your child and build the emotion regulation skills they need for life.



<h2>So What Should We Do Instead?</h2>



CREATE BOUNDARIES



When a child “acts out,” they need you, the parent, to be the boundary they cannot be for themselves. After all, kids hit and throw and kick not because they don’t respect you or because they’re trying to “be bad”—it’s because they are dysregulated, hyperaroused, and out of control.



So, step one: embody your authority and put a boundary around the behavior. Let’s use the example of your child throwing a block at your other child. Here’s what creating a boundary would look and sound like: “I will not let you throw that block!”&nbsp;



You may need to stop in and hold your child’s wrist or take a block out of their hand. You might need to go one step further and remove your child from the room. None of this is a punishment. A strong boundary is an act of love to keep your child safe. Words for this action might sound like this: “I’m going to pick you up and take you to another room. You are having a hard time making decisions, and I am going to keep you safe.”



Now (and this is critical!) sit in the room with your child. No, your loving presence does not reinforce bad behavior. We are not shaping behavior here; we are raising children who need to feel your connection to feel safe again. “I’m here. It’s okay. No, you can’t go back out yet. We’re not calm. You’re a good kid having a hard time; I’m right in there with you.”



If you’re alone with both your children, you might have to go between your two kids (the one that is dysregulated and the one who may have gotten hurt from the throw). There’s no easy answer for handling this and no one, including me, does this perfectly; take a deep breath, remind yourself that this difficult moment will eventually end, and do the best you can. That’s all we can do in impossible situations! What might this look like IRL? You might say aloud: “I’m going to check on your brother right now. I need to keep him safe as well. I’ll be back to be with you again in a few moments.”



BUILD REGULATION SKILLS



Okay, after we make it through the initial stage of setting boundaries and offering loving containment to a child to keep them safe, we need to help our child build the regulation skills they were missing in the first place. But hear me out: Don’t do this during the meltdown! We cannot build skills when a child is dysregulated because their brain is in threat mode, not learning mode! We can only build regulation skills when things are calm—before or after a tantrum.



So now it’s hours post-throwing-event, you and your child are calm, and you are thinking about how to build your child’s regulation skills.&nbsp;



Regulation Skill 1: Emotional Vaccination&nbsp;



Here’s how you do it: Before a tricky situation, prep your child for the feelings of frustration that are likely to arise. The exact situation doesn’t matter. All tantrums come from frustration, so when you help your child prepare for frustration-potential in one area of their life, you’re helping them build a larger, more generalized circuit for anticipating that sometimes things don’t go our way. Here’s an example:



“Let’s think about when your brother wakes up from his nap and comes into the room. He’s probably going to see that tower. What’s going to happen when you both want to use the same blocks? Ugh, that’s so hard. I am just thinking how hard it is to have a younger brother, especially when he comes to play right after his nap. What do you think we can do?”



What you come up with as a strategy is less important than the fact that you empathized and prepared your child for those feelings in advance. This helps your child understand his own feelings and strengthen the muscle of recognizing feelings when they arise, which is key to managing feelings rather than reacting to them.



Regulation Skill 2: Building Coherence



We can also build regulation after a tough moment. Revisiting the events and feelings helps a child understand what happened, which builds regulation. It might sound like this:



“I’m thinking about earlier when you and your brother were playing, and you threw the block. I want to understand exactly what happened because it’s so important to understand our big feelings. I think you were building a tower, and then your brother came after his nap, and he lunged at your tower like he was going to knock it down, and that felt so big and so hard to handle, and it just came out of your body, and you threw the block. Is that right? Did I get that right?”



When we add coherence to help a child understand what set them off, we change a fast and dysregulated circuit to a slow and connected circuit. You’re not changing the story; you’re not adding anything new; you’re just layering on connection and validation to something that felt so bad for your child. That correction will give them a moment of pause the next time a big feeling comes up. And ultimately, it will stop the cycle of out-of-control behavior much more effectively than timeouts.&nbsp;

Why Time Outs Don’t Work

When parenting feels hard and we struggle with our kids, we dissect their behaviors with questions: What is wrong with my kid? Why won’t they stop doing these annoying things?&nbsp;



And yet, if we really want to help our kids, we often have to first change our gaze—turning it inward and onto ourselves—not for the purpose of self-blame, but for the purpose of self-reflection.&nbsp;We can start by asking ourselves the question: What does this situation with my child bring up for me?



Asking this question helps you develop more clarity and feel like a sturdier, more confident leader in your home. Why? Because you learn so much about your own circuitry, your own reactivity, and your own way of labeling your kids’ behavior.



Does this mean that your kids’ behavior is your fault? NO! Not at all. Does this mean change with our kids starts with some amount of reflection on ourselves? YES. Absolutely.



What gets in the way of us intervening with our kids when they are tantruming, lying, being aggressive with a sibling, or struggling with math or reading is almost always the emotions it evokes in us. We shut down the feelings in our kids that we have trouble tolerating in ourselves.



So, the key to moving through these situations is slowing down and asking ourselves some tough questions. Here are some examples of how this works:



<h2>My child is having a lot of tantrums.</h2>



<ul><li>What does this bring up for me? What goes on for me when my child is having a big tantrum?</li><li>Was I taught that emotional displays were okay? What is my own tolerance for messy emotions?</li></ul>



<h2>My child is fighting a lot with a sibling.</h2>



<ul><li>What are my ideas about siblinghood? What do I hope for my kids? What were my own sibling relationships like?</li><li>What are my assumptions about how siblings should feel about each other?&nbsp;</li></ul>



Am I okay tolerating a range of emotions my daughter might have toward her brother, or do I notice a desire for my daughter to have only positive emotions toward him?



<h2>My child is struggling in math or reading.</h2>



<ul><li>What is it like for me to have a kid who isn’t one of the early readers?</li><li>What was my academic history like?</li><li>Did my family of origin value top performance?</li></ul>



Big takeaway: Self-reflection is the key to feeling more at home in ourselves and also to showing up as the parent we want to be. Talk about bang for your buck!



<a href="https://www.goodinside.com/script/1224/for-speaking-to-your-inner-child/">Up Next: Mantras To Connect with Your Inner Child</a>

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Sturdy leadership is a key concept at Good Inside. When our kids are having a hard time, they need to feel that they are not "too much" for their parents—their sturdy leaders. They need to see that they cannot overpower us with their tears or whines or dysregulated behavior.



Why is this so important? Because in these meltdown moments, kids feel overwhelmed themselves. If they then get the message that their emotional state also overwhelms their parents, it's game over.



<h2>Two things are true</h2>



Kids need to feel that their parents both recognize and permit their feelings and that their feelings do not take over and bleed into our decision making.



Two things are true here: As parents, we can make decisions that we think are best (even if our child doesn’t like them) and we can care about our kid’s feelings about these decisions. These are two totally separate things.



Let’s say your child wants to watch a movie that you deem to be inappropriate for his age. You say no to the movie. Your child is upset, disappointed, and angry: “All of my friends have seen it! You’re the worst person ever. I’ll never talk to you again!!”



If only one of these statements can be true, then your child's feelings have to overrule your decision. If you tell yourself that caring about your child's feelings has to be linked to your decision making, then you definitely will change your mind to prove to yourself that you're a good loving parent. But when both things are true, you are allowed to maintain your decision and your child is allowed to be upset.&nbsp;



<h2>A few scripts to try</h2>



Next time you need to hold a boundary you’ve set with your child, try using the “two things are true” phrase. For example:



<ul><li>“Two things are true: Screen time is over and I understand that ending your show is so hard. You wish you could watch another. I get that.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: We are not allowing you to go to big parties and I hear how that messes up your social life. I’m saying no and I care about how that feels to you.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: The kitchen is closed and you really wish you could have another snack. I know! Waiting for dinner is hard.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: I am tired and need sleep and I understand that you’re disappointed that I backed out of our plans.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: Mommy is going out for a walk and I hear that you wish you could come. Daddy will stay with you,and I’ll be back soon.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: I need a quiet weekend with no plans and I hear that you wish tomorrow worked for a visit. We can make a plan for another weekend, let’s find a date.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: We have a hard “no” to Fortnite and we hear how left out you feel. We care about that and would love to brainstorm other ways to connect with your friends.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: Our family is not getting a dog right now and I get how disappointing that is. You’re allowed to be upset with us.”</li></ul>



Try your own version of these words aloud with your child, your friends, your partner, or just in your head the next time you set a boundary. Remember, you don't have to choose between firm decisions and loving validation. Both can be true.

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