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Did I Ever Tell You About The Time...

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Why Do Kids Have a Hard Time Separating?

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This outline is designed to guide you through the <a href="https://cms.goodinside.com/workshop/2517/back-to-school-transition/view/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Back to School Transition Workshop</a>. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas.



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Back to School Transition Outline

This outline is designed to guide you through the <a href="https://cms.goodinside.com/workshop/1560/anxiety-worry-in-kids/view/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Anxiety and Worry in Kids Workshop</a>. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas. 



<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" download="" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/OutlineAnxietyWorkshop-210421-131038.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Download Outline</a>

Anxiety and Worry in Kids Outline

When We’re Anxious In Front of Our Kids

Reparenting

Managing Perfectionism: The Perfect Voice

Back to School: The Strategies, Scripts, and Support You Need to Separate with Confidence

Monica and Adam Mosseri on Managing Separation Anxiety

True story: my 4-year-old son dropped a bowling ball on his finger his first time bowling. Needless to say, it was a pretty awful situation—lots of blood, a fractured bone, ER visit, X-ray, stitches, splint, the whole deal.



Now here’s the thing about my youngest: he happens to be a not-so-cautious kid. He’s pretty exploratory, independent, more “I am going to try that” than “I wonder what might happen if I tried that.” None of this makes him better or worse of a kid. I’m only mentioning this because given his temperament, he’s not particularly prone to being locked in fear from this incident.&nbsp; And yet, if this had happened to my oldest child when he was 4, it would have been a totally different story. My eldest was, and still is, more pensive and less action-oriented, more thoughtful about potential outcomes before he dives in and as a result, he’s definitely more prone to worries and to fears after scary experiences.



Here’s the question I’m considering here: when something scary does happen to your child, and your child has a more cautious temperament, what can we do to honor their feelings and encourage them to feel safe again? How do we honor fear while not allowing fear to take over and create avoidance and anxiety?



Let’s go through three key ideas:



<h2 id="1-validate-your-child-s-fear">1. Validate your child’s fear</h2>



Why? We want our child to register an emotional experience after something scary happens. After all, this is the body’s way of learning. It may be inconvenient that your child, say, doesn’t want to attend a bowling party right after the bowling ball incident, but remember, you would want your child to learn not to touch the hot stove after a burn incident. We can’t pick and choose how the body registers experience, and we want our kids to trust their instincts and feelings.



How? Share words like this: “Yes, that happened to you. You’re right. And that felt really scary.” You might also say, “Let’s talk about each thing that happened.&nbsp; It’s helpful to put the pieces together now that we are safe and together.” You might also tell your child, “It’s ok to be nervous about doing something—especially something that didn’t go so well last time! That makes sense. I’d be nervous too.”&nbsp;&nbsp;



<h2 id="2-take-baby-steps">2. Take baby steps</h2>



Why? Too often, we have rigid definitions of “progress” and “not progress.” We think only of our kid bowling at the upcoming birthday party or not going to the party.&nbsp; Movement and resilience happen in the space between these extremes.&nbsp; When we take baby steps, we slowly build our child’s tolerance for fear and anxiety. And along the way, they find their capability and sense of safety again. This is what we want, and it comes from our being creative, patient, and compassionate.



How? Well, let’s say my son was saying over and over, “No! I won’t go bowling! No,no,no!” I might say, “We don’t have to go. You’re not ready yet. I hear you.” Maybe that day or the next one, I’d tell a story to my child about something scary happening to me when I was their age and how it still felt scary for some time after—and then one day it started feeling a bit better. Maybe I would print out a coloring page of a bowling lane and say, “Let’s not go… but also, I found this picture.&nbsp; Maybe we can color it together.” Or maybe I’d say, “You don’t have to go. And also we can go and stay away from the bowling and just do the pizza and cake.”&nbsp;



<h2 id="3-validate-where-your-child-is-now-and-hold-hope-for-change">3. Validate where your child is now and hold hope for change</h2>



Why? We need to show our kids that we see their current fear feelings as real and that we believe they will feel safe again—and when they do, they will explore in a way that feels good to them. It’s tricky to do both and many of us do one at the exclusion of the other. But it’s critical to do both so that your child feels connected to you and so that your child feels that someone (you!) sees a pathway to their feeling more grounded and secure. How? This calls for a Two Things are True. Here are some examples: “I know you’re really nervous now and I also know that you won’t always feel this way”; “You’re still thinking about what happened and it feels so scary. I believe you. I know that we will get through these tricky times together and that one day you will feel less scary”; “Two things are true: I know you’re nervous and I know that I will be with you the whole time, so you never feel alone”; “Two things are true: I know this feels hard and I know you’re a kid who can do hard things.”



<a href="https://www.goodinside.com/script/1186/for-when-your-child-is-anxious-and-youre-not-sure-why/">Up Next: Scripts to Respond to Fears or Anxiety</a>

Fears After Scary Experiences

Coping skills can be tricky to “teach.” If your kids are like my kids, then whenever they sense your effort to teach a new skill, they shut down with a “Mom, not now!” or a “Stop talking!” or “Ugh, you’re being annoying!”



So how do we reach our kids? Sometimes our best method is modeling strategies in front of our kids rather than teaching strategies to them. When we model coping skills, we do something really powerful. We essentially “say” to our kids that we also need to practice ways of managing tough feelings, we also have tricky times, we also are forever-learners not afraid to try new things.&nbsp;When we model, we leave our kids feeling less alone—and this is what opens the pathway to growth.



So how can we use modeling to teach skills? First things first: trust that modeling, on its own, works! Too often, we model something in front of our children and then turn to them and say something like, “See! I worked on this, and you can too!” What happens next? Our kids feel defensive and reject whatever we just worked so hard to show them.&nbsp;Trust that your kids are paying attention to you and that they are absorbing what you’re doing.&nbsp;Allow modeling to speak for itself.&nbsp;



Ok, let’s move on to the “exactly-what-to-do” part.&nbsp;Here are three different ideas about anxiety and three related ways to model anxiety coping skills in front of your child.&nbsp;&nbsp;



<h2>1. Model deep breaths</h2>



Idea: When we get anxious, our body enters into fight-or-flight state andour breathing becomes more shallow, our muscles tighten, our jaw clenches.&nbsp;This inherently makes us more anxious, because our body is giving us signs that we are in danger. The best remedy is often a body-based intervention to “show” our body that yes, we are nervous but also yes we are safe and that there is no immediate threat.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;



Strategy to Model: When your child is nearby, announce something like, “Wow there is so much going on. So many things to plan and organize and keep track of. Oh, I definitely need a deep breath. Let me remind my body that yes, a lot is going on, and yes, I am safe.” Then sit down, place your feet flat on the ground and put your hand on your heart, and take a few slow deep breaths. How powerful it is to show your child that you can notice internal activation and pair it with mindfulness and breathing.&nbsp;



<h2>2. Talk about seeking certainty vs. seeking capability</h2>



Idea: When we are anxious, we often look for certainty about something in the future. We want all the information we can get, as there’s a belief that if we know everything, we will feel calmer. But the truth is, certainty-seeking is what makes us more anxious, because we are going down a rabbit hole that never ends.&nbsp;What’s the alternative? Remind yourself that even with uncertainty, you are a capable person who can figure things out.&nbsp;



Strategy to Model: Talk about something you’re anxious about—maybe it’s an upcoming meeting with your colleague.&nbsp;Share words like this in front of your child, “There are so many things I don’t know. I am not sure what my colleague will say or if she’s upset with me or what she wants. What I do know is that no matter what, I am a strong person who will figure it out. Yes, I am a strong person who will figure it out.”



<h2>3. Notice your catastrophic-thinking tendencies&nbsp;&nbsp;</h2>



Idea: If you’re prone to anxiety, you likely engage in catastrophic thinking—the pattern of predicting the worst possible outcomes in the future.&nbsp;Learning to cope with anxiety involves recognizing our thinking patterns and considering alternative thoughts that are more realistic and less extreme. The goal isn’t to get rid of catastrophic thoughts but rather to recognize them when they emerge.&nbsp;



Strategy to Model: Share with your child a time when you had catastrophic thinking in your childhood.&nbsp;It might sound like this, “You know what I’ve been thinking about. When I was a kid, I used to get so nervous about things and when I got nervous, without realizing it, I’d just assume the worst. I’d be nervous about a test and would assume I wouldn’t do well. I’d be nervous about a birthday party and think about how no one would want to talk to me there. This can still happen now! I get nervous,and my brain just starts coming up with all these worst-case situations! It’s tricky when that happens.” Then pause. See what your child says. Don’t push it if your child disengages—trust that their “wheels are turning” inside, considering how this connects to their experience.



<a href="https://www.goodinside.com/video/4190/explain-perfect-girl-to-a-kid/">Up Next: How to Explain “Perfect Girl” To Your Child</a>

Modeling Skills Instead of “Teaching” Skills

Parenting Kids With Anxiety and Worry: What's Really Going On and How to Help

As adults, we understand that no matter how many things change in life, no matter what comes at us unexpectedly, Mommy and Daddy would never, say, disappear suddenly. Our children do not take this for granted. They've had less life experience than we have and they don't assume our permanence, especially not in times of stress.



Our kids need to feel our sturdiness when they are anxious—that we can tolerate their tears and their fears, that we can empathize with their feelings... but that we do not get sucked into the vortex of their feelings.



Our kids need us to be a sturdy leader in moments of separation - after all, if we cannot tolerate the feelings involved in separation, our kids definitely won’t be able to! So think about these four guidelines as you approach separation - and watch how both you and your child will feel more confident and capable.



<ol><li>Talk with kids in advance: Tell your child when you are going to leave! You don’t have to talk about it weeks in advance, but give your child time to anticipate what’s to come.&nbsp; Words like, “We can play one more round of Sorry and then I am going to leave for my meeting” or “Tomorrow you’ll be meeting a new babysitter, Alissa, right before dinner! I’ll sith at dinner with you and Alissa and then you’ll stay with Alissa while I go out.&nbsp; She’ll put you to sleep and I’ll be back when you’re sleeping.” </li><li>Create a separation routine. Routines matter. They help kids feel safe and in control because they add elements of predictability and familiarity. Long before you separate from your child, create a separation routine. This might be a hug, a “See ya later alligator” and a “Mama always come back.” Make the routine short so it’s repeatable and can be performed even if your child gets teary. </li><li>Practice your routine in advance, in your home, before a separation at school or day care or with a caregiver.&nbsp; For example, the week before your child goes to school, talk about how you want to develop a special goodbye routine and then practice your child going to “school” that is really his bedroom.&nbsp; Go to his bedroom door, do your routine, and walk away while he walks into his bedroom - just like what will happen on the first day of school. </li></ol>



Don't be afraid to name that your child might be upset or cry! After all, it's what we avoid naming that builds our kids' anxieties... not what we are willing to confront. Allowing for feelings shows our kids that feelings are manageable. For example, if your child struggles to separate, try saying this: “It's ok to cry when we say goodbye. Tears or no tears, Mommy knows you are safe. And remember: Mommy always comes back.”

Mastering Your Separation Routine

Does this sound like your house: “Noooo!!! Only Mommy can get my water bottle!”; “Where’d Mommy go?” “I only want to sit next to Mommy at dinner!”



Clinginess. Preference for one parent. It happens all the time. What’s really going on here?&nbsp;



Children are driven by the evolutionary mechanism of attachment, which posits that maintaining proximity to a parent is the best way to ensure survival in times of danger. In the era of COVID-19, we are living in a time of increased threat (yes, our children all sense it), and so it makes sense that children would want to be more proximal to parents than ever before. This is why your children might be hypervigilant about your whereabouts, screaming your name as soon as you’re out of sight.



Children also find comfort in having one go-to person, especially in times of stress. When this happens, a child consolidates all of their emotional safety needs onto one parent and pushes the other parent away. This is not a reflection of love; it’s a reflection of fear.



For the preferred parent: This is a stage. You have not done anything wrong. Give yourself permission to both do more with your clingy child when it feels right but also to listen to your own needs, which sometimes say, “I just cannot do bedtime tonight.” Your child is allowed to protest that boundary, and you’re allowed to hold it.



For the out-of-favor parent: This is a stage. You have not done anything wrong. In fact, children only express big feelings to adults with whom they feel safe, so rest assured that this is—paradoxically—a sign of your strong connection and your awesome parenting. Really.



For both parents: It’s critical to come together and connect during a stage of parental preference. If you don’t, resentment will build on both sides. Start a conversation saying something like, “Hey, I know Olivia has had a real preference these days… I was thinking we should spend some time talking, so I can hear and better understand your experience of it and then vice versa. No one proving who has it harder, no blaming, no grand plans being made… let’s just connect about it.”



Here are 5 strategies to cope with parental preference.&nbsp;



<h2>1. Empathy</h2>



Preferred parent: "I know you want me to do your bath. I know you want to be with mommy all the time. I get it, sweetie. Things feel so hard right now."&nbsp;



Out-of-favor parent: "I know you want Mommy to do your bath. You have me, sweetie, and it's ok if you're upset the whole time." Try not to take it personally.



<h3>2. Boundaries</h3>



Remember that your child's preference does not have to dictate all decisions. It does mean that parents have to tolerate protest and crying.&nbsp;&nbsp;



Preferred parent: Before you set a boundary, take a deep breath and tell yourself, "I'm allowed to meet my need for time off. My child is allowed to express her feelings of sadness or anger. I am a good parent."



Preferred parent: "You really wish I wouldn't leave. I know, sweetie. You're allowed to feel that way (empathy and validation).&nbsp; I am going for a short walk. You're safe with Daddy, and I'll see you soon (boundary). Mommy always comes back."



Child: Crying, tears, protest.



Out-of-favor parent: "I won't let you hit me (boundary) but you're allowed to feel as upset as you do. I get it, honey, and I love you and I'm here (empathy and validation)."



<h3>3. Humor</h3>



Out-of-favor parent: Take on and expand the roll of "inept parent." Humor brings laughter, and laughter brings connection, which is always the goal.



Out-of-favor parent: "Ugh it's true, I don't even know how to give a bath! Is this the water to turn on? (Flush toilet). Eesh! Ok, is this the towel we use? (Grab bath mat). Oh no... this bath is going to be a disaster!"



<h3>4. Self-care and connection</h3>



Preferred and out-of-favor parent: Direct compassion inward for how hard your current parental status is.



Increase marital support. Validate how hard it is for your partner to be preferred/out-of-favor.



Children's difficult stages often last longer than we'd like them to. Change takes time. Stay the course.



<h3>5. Play</h3>



Play the “Together All The Time” game.



Preferred parent: Expand the theme of togetherness. Hold your clingy child tightly and say, "I won't let you go! You have to come with me everywhere!" Walk while holding her, saying: "We'll walk like thiiisss... when I go to the bathroom, we'll go like thiiisss... when we eat, we'll sit like thiiisss..." and so on.



Make the game silly and full of laughs. A child will often, eventually, try to separate. Resist and complain playfully and then finally allow it: "Ok... we can each have a little space. We always come back together and have our special connection."



Playing around with emotional themes helps to loosen their grip. Don't be surprised if your child requests this game over and over. Play often.



<a href="https://www.goodinside.com/script/3290/responding-to-then-i-wont-love-you-anymore-threats/">Up Next: Responding to “Then I Won’t Love You Anymore” Threats</a>

What to Do When Your Child Expresses Preference for One Parent

Our children are always attuned to themes of change and separation - why? Because their survival depends on it - after all, kids need US even more than they need food, shelter and water because we are the people who give them food, shelter, and water as well as other critical factors in survival like love and connection.



So if school drop off or leaving for work or going out to date night is hard on your child… it makes sense! These moments, while they may seem small, can feel huge to a kid who always has abandonment and loneliness fears in the back of their minds.&nbsp; Now, to be clear, this is not my way of saying you shouldn’t separate from your child… in fact, quite the opposite, separation is healthy and important for children! We need to focus on the *how* we’re going about separation.



Here’s a key idea about separation with kids: our kids need to feel our sturdiness when they are anxious - they need to feel that we can tolerate their tears and their fears, that we can empathize with their feelings... but that we do not get sucked into the vortex of their feelings. Related to this, the more we avoid talking about their feelings, the more our kids believe that we are scared of their feelings or that their feelings are “wrong” - this actually only makes separation harder because kids feel totally alone in their experience. The opposite can be true as well - if our kids believe that their anxious feelings make us anxious, then they experience their scary feelings as even bigger and “contagious” to others - this can also lead to an increase in separation anxiety as a child feels without a sturdy leader.



Ok, so what can we do? If we don’t want to avoid our kids’ feelings and we don’t want to be engulfed by them, where does that leave us? A few ideas: Talk with kids in advance. Create a separation routine. Practice it in advance, in your home, before a separation at school or day care or with a caregiver. Don't be afraid to name that your child might be upset or cry! You can even say, “It’s ok if you cry when I say goodbye.&nbsp; I still know you’re safe and that we’ll be back together soon.” After all, it’s what we avoid naming that builds our kids' anxieties... not what we are willing to confront. Allowing for feelings shows our kids that feelings are manageable. And remember to remind your child: "Mommy always comes back" and "Papa always comes back" - these are some of the most powerful words in parenting.

How to Make Separation Easier

Child anxiety comes in many different forms. A young child might have separation anxiety when it comes to saying goodbye. Maybe they have an intense fear of the dark and need you to stay in the room to go to sleep. Or an older child might be a deep thinker who feels anxious about topics like death, illness, climate change, or suffering.&nbsp;



But at the core of all of these is a state of being uncomfortable, and a desire to run away from the feeling. Here’s the thing: We cannot change a feeling, but we can do a lot to change our relationship to the feeling.



I often think about light switches: Are we teaching our kids that their distress—meaning their struggling, their tough feelings, their disappointment—operates on an on-off light switch or a dimmer? Dimmers = resilience.&nbsp;



I want my kids to go through life with their fear and worry on a dimmer. Where they recognize that they can't make tough feelings go away but they can improve their tolerance for discomfort or distress.



How do you build this dimmer for your child? Focus on connecting so that your child is not alone in distress. Removing the aloneness component of distress and replacing it with presence, understanding, and support without solving... These are the main components of wiring your child for resilience.



Here’s an example. Your child says, "I can't build this LEGO set!" or "I can't do this math problem!" Solving would be focusing on the outcome. Dimming would be focusing on connection.



So, try something like, "I'm right here with you" or "It feels hard because it IS hard!" or "You really know you're upset. I’m not going anywhere."



When your child says back, "THAT DOESN'T HELP... JUST DO IT FOR ME AND THEN I'LL FEEL BETTER," well, take a deep breath and say back lovingly, "I know sweetie. But we aren't going for better.&nbsp; If you learn only how to get out of a tough feeling, you won't be prepared for those feelings when they keep coming your way—which they will, and they do for me too!"&nbsp;



Own this when you say it. Because freeing your child from fear or worry won’t help them in the long run. Instead, teach your child how to build a relationship with their fear and worry, so they can engage more meaningfully with it throughout their lives.



Even more powerful? Start working on this yourself. Right now, think about something you're anxious about or trying to "fix" and "make better." Maybe it's something about this school year or an ongoing conflict with a friend or family member or some uncertainty about what to do in your job.



Right now, place your hand on your heart and send a message to your body: "I am not going to make this uncomfortable feeling go away.&nbsp; Hi, uncomfortable feeling! I see you. I feel you. I am recognizing you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I care about you. We will get through this together."

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