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Navigating Tricky Friendship Moments: Your Role As A Parent

School

Foundations

<ol>
 	<li>WAIT. Pause, remember this isn't an emergency. Give yourself permission not to fix anything or make any major changes. Kids often need time and just some support to figure things out, not any major intervention.</li>
 	<li>Use “It’s almost like” - to go from sticky situation to open up a larger story:
<ul>
 	<li>“When you’re with Mila, it’s almost like she doesn't want you to be with anyone else… to play with any of the other kids… huh…”</li>
 	<li>“When a friend does something that upsets you, it’s almost like they become a bad person, they kind of go from friend to NOT friend huh…”</li>
 	<li>“When your friends are all together and you’re not there, it’s almost like they don’t even like you - huh. It feels like that.”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Use “I get that” or “That’s tricky” to validate and get on same page:
<ul>
 	<li>“I get that... I’d feel the same way too.”</li>
 	<li>“Ugh… that’s tricky.”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Use “I wonder” to open things up:
<ul>
 	<li>“Hm. I wonder if there’s anything we haven't thought about here…”</li>
 	<li>“Hm. I wonder if there’s another way to handle it…”</li>
 	<li>“Hm. I wonder what would happen if you...”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Use “I know you’ll / we’ll figure this out” to add hope and confidence.</li>
 	<li>Use “There’s something about this” - to deal with an in-the-moment tricky situation:
<ul>
 	<li>“There’s something about this that isn’t feeling good to you… you wanted to have Ethan over and now something about playing with him doesn't feel great. Hm.”</li>
 	<li>“There’s something about recess that’s been feeling really hard for you. I believe you. Let’s figure it out.”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Say “I believe you.”</li>
 	<li>Say “It’s hard to figure out what to do when…”:
<ul>
 	<li>“It’s hard to figure out what to do when a good friend upsets you...”</li>
 	<li>“It’s hard to figure out what to do when one of your friends wants to be with you all the time and you like them but also want to be with other people sometimes…”</li>
 	<li>“It’s hard to figure out what to do when your friends are doing something you don’t want to do but you also don’t love being the only one not doing it…”</li>
</ul>
</li>
 	<li>Say “Friendships are hard. Balancing what you want and what other people want, speaking up and listening, doing what feels good to you and being flexible… it’s all so tricky.”

</li>
 	<li>Say “I don’t know when this will be resolved, I don’t know when you’ll feel better. Here’s what I do know: I know this stinks, I know I’m right here with you, and I know we’ll get through this together.”</li>
</ol>
<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/GI_TrickyFriendshipSituationsGuide_v3.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide</a>

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<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" download="" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/GI_BacktoSchoolBundle_v3A.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Download Checklist</a>

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You follow Good Inside’s DFK framework in your home and notice that your DFK’s school does something very different in the classroom. We can help you bridge that gap with key ideas, scripts, and strategies that will help your child’s school and teacher understand our approach and your DFK.



Remember, there may be ways you’ll need to amend these examples for your DFK, but think of this as a starting point.



<h2>How to Start the Conversation</h2>



<ol><li>Explain why you’re explaining. “I want to share some information about our awesome kid (Child’s Name). Sometimes her behavior has been interpreted in ways that haven’t been helpful for her, so we want to get ahead of that and tell you what we’ve learned about her development.”</li></ol>



<ol start="2"><li>Explain what it means to be a DFK. “We believe she is a Deeply Feeling Kid. Not sure if you have heard that term? It’s a whole approach developed by a clinical psychologist that helps reactive kids, the ones who go from zero to sixty, and often push adults away when they need them the most. These kids have traditionally been labeled as defiant or difficult or dramatic. This new framework does just the opposite. It sees these kids as good kids having a hard time. Not bad kids doing bad things.”</li></ol>



<ol start="3"><li>Make sure they know you’re on the same team. “We would love to share a few details about this DFK framework with you. We see ourselves on the same team, Team (Child’s Name). We know this might feel new, it’s new to us too, but we know that doing this together will help everyone.”</li></ol>



<ol start="4"><li>Share some key points. “DFK’s feelings transform really quickly. This means that a feeling of being left out, confused or misunderstood can turn into big emotions without any warning. These big emotions look like rage, not listening, mean words, hostility, and even aggression. These emotions actually mean that this child is afraid. They are afraid of their own experience, emotions, and bodies. And we need your help to make them feel safe.”&nbsp;</li></ol>



<ol start="5"><li>Offer some helpful DFK strategies. “So what to do? It’s so tricky. To start, we’ve noticed that just thinking about her as a good kid who is having a hard time changes our way of interacting with her. We’ve also noticed it's super important not to react with punishment or harsh criticism, as this only leads to DFKs concluding, ‘See? I really am bad inside’, and then they further identify with a bad kid role—which none of us want! This doesn’t mean we have an anything goes approach. Not at all. But pulling her to the side or out of a classroom and saying, “I'm here. We’re going to get through this. You’re a good kid. It’s okay,” is really important instead of responding harshly. DFKs also do well when they know they’re not alone, but most of this work has to be done in advance, before the spirals start! So, if we know math is hard for her, we might share a story about when math was hard for us when we were her age—before she starts. This really helps.”</li></ol>



<ol start="6"><li>Show flexibility to bridge the home-to-school gap. “We know that school is different from home. And we know that in the classroom, it is just you and so many kids who have unique needs! So, we would love to brainstorm together about how any of these ideas could be possible in the classroom.”&nbsp;</li></ol>



<h2>Dos for Teachers: Strategies That Help DFKs</h2>



<ul><li>Containment. A DFK experiences themselves as out of control—and this is terrifying to them! In their toughest and biggest escalations, DFKs need an adult to take them to a smaller space (a “container”), sit with them there, and wait it out. No, this doesn’t reinforce bad behavior.</li><li>Seeing the Good Inside by wondering what was under “bad” behavior. For example, you see a DFK push another child on the playground. What should you do? Pull the DFK inside and aside and ask, “Huh, I saw you push Marco. And I know you and I both know that there’s a no pushing rule in this school. So I'm wondering what happened there? Something must have felt really bad right before that. Let’s talk about it so we can figure it out.”</li><li>Telling stories to “de-shame” struggles. “I’m thinking about how we have writing later on today. Did you know that I hated writing when I was your age? It was so hard!”</li><li>Leading with believing, even before you understand. “Something about this feels really bad to you. I believe you.”</li></ul>



<h2>Don’ts for Teachers: Strategies That Escalate DFKs</h2>



<ul><li>Talking with them directly about how they feel. “You look mad, mad, mad!” This feels too intense and intrusive for DFKs and will lead to an escalation in intense emotions.</li><li>Punishment and consequences. DFKs have a core fear that they are “bad inside.” Punishments and consequences are stored as confirmation of this fear and lead DFKs to develop more shame and further identify with the bad kid role—all of which leads to more out of control behavior.</li><li>Calling them out publicly and inducing shame. DFKs are already very shame-prone and very sensitive to what others see in them. Calling them “out” in the middle of a class (“You have a time out now!” or “I’m sending you to the principal!”) leads to an even more intense shame spiral.</li></ul>



<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" download="" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/GoodInside_PrintableArticles_ExplainingDFKSToTeachers_v2.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Download Article</a>

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Have a question? Want to share a thought? Talk about it in the <a href="https://community.goodinside.com/c/fears-anxiety/">#FearsAnd AnxietyRoom</a>

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