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How To Handle Bedtime Delays

This workbook is designed to guide you through the <a href="https://cms.goodinside.com/workshop/1531/independent-sleep/view/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Independent Sleep Workshop</a> - think of it as going through the workshop with me, Dr. Becky, right alongside you.



We know learning really happens through active engagement and experience, not by lecture alone. Use the note-taking areas to jot down thoughts, scripts, key frameworks, ideas, and to put things into your own words. We hope your margins will be full of doodles, big ideas, and aha-moments. The Good Inside principles are inside you already. Let’s do this.



<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" download="" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/05/GI_Workbook_SleepWorkshop_FINAL_5.5.22.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Download Workbook</a>

Independent Sleep Workbook

How to Get Your Kid to Stay in Their Bed

Kids and Adults Have Opposing Needs At Night

Independent Sleep Workshop: A Feel-Good Approach

“Dr Becky… my kids sleep in the same room and bedtime is a disaster! They talk and talk and both get overtired and all worked up, and I don’t know what to do! Help!”



I hear this often - your 3 and 5 year old share a room and bedtime takes two houses. You are saying “Lights Out!” and they are jumping on their beds, singing, dancing, running around, even though you see that they are overtired.&nbsp;&nbsp;



Here’s the truth: it’s hard to fall asleep with a sibling or friend right next to you! It’s fun to have a playmate and the idea of playing after your bedtime is the ultimate excitement for young kids.&nbsp; Here are a few strategies to help the bedtime routine so that you can get some of your nighttime hours back to yourself, rather than spending them continually saying, “Go to bed!” or “No more talking!”



<h2>Dry Runs&nbsp;</h2>



Tell your kids: “I know it’s tricky to go to bed at the same time… you get excited and move around, I get annoyed because it’s bedtime… it’s so hard. Lets do what I do when things are tricky for me… practice!” And then bring your kids into their room and simulate bedtime. Kids love Dry Runs because there’s something silly about them - it’s now 3pm on a Saturday, clearly not bedtime, and you’re pulling down their shades, getting them in pajamas, and practicing going to bed.&nbsp; In fact, the playfulness here is key to the effectiveness of this strategy: the moment which usually feels adversarial and full of frustration now feels light and fun. During the Dry Run, I’d practice a strategy with my kids: “Let’s all practice taking a deep breath and saying, ‘More Fun Tomorrow, Time for Rest Right Now’” - or something like that.



<h2>Reverse Checking</h2>



Check on your kids when they’re quiet. So often, we leave a room and then when our kids are loud, we go back in to check on them and say something like, “Enough! Go to Bed!” In a way, our kids are associating our presence with their loudness and activity… and because our presence is so motivating and meaningful to them, it’s almost as if we are “reinforcing” their not-going-to-bed. Tell your kids that you’re going to try something new. When they stay quiet, you’re going to pop your head in and say, “Bedtime, love you!” or “See you in the morning!”&nbsp; In this way, we are helping our kids associate our presence with their calming-down and restful time - which is what we want. I’d first wait only 5 seconds to pop back in - don’t even give your kids enough time to make noise. Then after that, 10 seconds, and stretch the intervals from there.



<h2>Fall Asleep Separately</h2>



Honestly, this is what so many families I work with end up doing - and it’s rarely something they’ve thought about before we discuss it! If falling asleep in the same room as a sibling is just too tough, let your kids know that they will fall asleep separately and you’ll transfer one before you go to bed. This isn’t a punishment so it’s important not to deliver this message as if it is. Rather, it’s a decision you’re making to keep the family safe - because good sleep patterns help everyone stay healthy. I’d tell your kids this: “We’re going to try something different starting tonight. Elon, you’re going to fall asleep in Mommy’s bed and Raya, you’re going to fall asleep in your bed in your room. Falling asleep together just isn’t working right now, so this way, you each have some quiet.  I will transfer Elon to his bed once he’s sleeping so you’ll still wake up together. I know this is a change and may take a bit of time to get used to; I also know it’s best for everyone.” Remember: you’re the sturdy leader here. You don’t need anyone’s approval here. You can empathize with feelings (“I know… it is a big change! Two things are true: it’ll feel tricky when we start AND I know you two can do it and will get through it.”) but you don’t need to change your decision if your kids protest.

My Kids Sleep in the Same Room and Keep Each Other Up

If your kids are protesting your nighttime routines—asking for more books, an additional song, four more hugs, two more kisses... I am right there with you. My kids do all these things, too.



Do we have bad kids? Nope! Is it that our kids are manipulating us? Nope, that's not it either! So, what is going on?



Bedtime is hard.



Sleep means separation for our kids. They have to be apart from their parents, in the dark, for hours.&nbsp;



Here's one thing that's key for bedtime: We need to keep the bedtime routine consistent. We have to do what we say we are going to do. Our kids can smell our ambivalence and take it in as uncertainty, which increases their anxiety around sleep. Then they protest more—not to manipulate us, but because now their bodies actually feel less safe, because they don't feel they have a sturdy leader!



If we say we are doing two books, that has to mean two books... not three or four. Holding this boundary becomes easier when we realize we can simultaneously empathize with our kids' experience.&nbsp;



Here are a few simple steps and scripts to follow when your child begs, "Mom pleeeeease one more book, please please please, just one short one!"



Step 1: Set the boundary. "Book time is over tonight. I can take a book with me so we remember to read it together right away in the morning."



Step 2: Validate and empathize, recognizing the “wish” underneath your child’s protest. "You really wish you could stay up later. I know. Bedtime doesn't always feel good for me either. I get it."&nbsp;



Step 3: Move on with your routine—again holding the boundary without ambivalence. "I am going to start singing your bedtime song now.”



Have a question? Want to share a thought? Talk about it in the <a href="https://community.goodinside.com/c/sleep/">#Sleep Room</a>

When Your Child Says “One More Book Before Bed!”

Sleep struggles are really separation struggles.&nbsp;



If your child is struggling to sleep—protesting bedtime, throwing tantrums, or waking up at all hours—you have to help them feel more secure when their worries are lower (during the day) before you can expect them to feel safe at night.&nbsp;



At night, a child is tasked with maintaining aloneness without being able to confirm a parent's presence. This is challenging, even more so in times of stress.



With that in mind, here are five strategies you can start using during the day to help build up your child’s separation coping skills for nighttime.&nbsp;



<h2>1. Mantras</h2>



Children benefit from night-time mantras that bring routine, repetition, and calm associations. I like this mantra: "Alex is safe, Mommy is near, my bed is cozy." Teach your child this mantra and practice using it during the day before incorporating it into your bedtime routine.&nbsp;



<h2>2. Hot cocoa breaths</h2>



Imagine holding a mug of hot cocoa. Smell the scent, breathing through the nose. Then breathe out very slowly through your mouth to start cooling off the hot cocoa. Long out-breaths activate our parasympathetic nervous system (our “rest and restore” system), so long exhales are key. Practice these breaths, especially right before daytime separations (leaving for a walk or even going to the bathroom). You want to build an association between separations and deep breaths, and then incorporate it into your bedtime routine.&nbsp;



<h2>3. Introduce separation themes in play.&nbsp;</h2>



Exploring themes in play helps kids loosen their grip on behavior.



You can try exploring bedtime separation themes with dolls, trucks, and animals in pretend play. Act out the child protesting sleep: You can be the truck-child saying, "No sleep, no sleep!" and then allow your child to be the parent-cement-mixer.&nbsp;



You can also use a “whisper” voice to help you act as the narrator, asking, “Hmmm… I wonder what the truck is worried about? It’s bedtime… What should dump truck do?” You can wait and allow your child to direct the play, or you can prompt them by modeling the mantra or deep breaths (still in character as the truck). Remember: Don’t make it look too easy—model struggling with this process, just like your child would!



<h2>4. Acknowledge changes.</h2>



Sleep struggles often coincide with times of transition or big changes. Safety starts with understanding. If there are a lot of changes happening recently, you can help your child process their new environment.&nbsp;



Together, create an ongoing list of things that have changed… and another list of things that have stayed the same.&nbsp; Brainstorm together and pause to allow your child time to offer her own ideas. Respond to your child with "Ah, yes! That IS a change. How amazing that you recognized that." You can put the list on the fridge or up in your child’s room.&nbsp;



Every morning, announce this and write it down on the same list: "With all the changes... here's one thing that will always always stay the same: I will go to sleep in my bed in our home after you go to sleep. I will be here all night. I will be here in the morning to see you. Every morning, Mommy will still be here. That will always stay the same."



Connecting with our kids about changes lowers your child threat-level, which helps bring on more feelings of safety.&nbsp;



<h2>5. Practice self-regulation.&nbsp;</h2>



When our kids are struggling, they pick up on how calm our bodies feel. Our internal state either promotes safety or further cycles their dysregulation. Find some mantras to use yourself during your child's bedtime: "I can cope with this" or "This is just a stage" are my favorites.



Make sure to separate your feelings from your child's: "I am depleted and in need of alone-adult-only time; my feelings are real and legitimate... my child is scared and in need of my presence; her feelings are real and legitimate." You don’t have to resolve this conflict; just provide compassion and recognize that two things are true.&nbsp;



During the day, you can also anticipate your child's bedtime struggle and say to yourself, "I am hours away from my child resisting separation at the exact moment I most want separation. This is going to be one of the harder hours of my day."



Most importantly, remember this: We need to trust that our children's bedtime protests are a sign of fear around separation. If we don't trust this, then we respond to a child's sleep protests based on a belief that our child is selfish and annoying. Of course these thoughts are normal and allowed; I too get reactive around my children's sleep struggles, because they impinge on my needs for separation and uninterrupted rest. Let’s all take a deep breath and tell ourselves, "It is normal to feel angry. I have needs too, and those are perfectly legitimate." Breathe into your needs for rest and time to yourself. Let these needs know that they are good and that you care about them. Then take another few breaths and tell yourself a second, not mutually exclusive, truth: "My child needs more of me right now. I am going to get through these two truths, one compassionate deep breath at a time.”

5 Daytime Strategies to Make Bedtime Easier

There’s nothing quite like parenting all day, every day, and then having your child protest sleep, delay their bedtime routine, or wake up in the middle of the night when you’re desperate for much-needed, child-free rest.



It’s a cruel irony that parents want separation from their kids and kids want inseparableness from their parents. What an inconvenient truth.



Because of their evolutionary attachment system, children perceive changes in their environment as a threat—until changes are explained and an environment is deemed to be safe, they will innately seek proximity to their parents. In times of change, it’s adaptive for children to stay by their parent’s side. And guess what? The opposite of being by a parent’s side is separating at night.



Sleep is the ultimate form of separation, as children are tasked with being alone for 10-12 hours in the dark. Right now, many kids don’t trust the permanence of our presence if they can’t see us. This is not your fault—it is the result of having a perceptive child who is invested in their own well-being.



So… what can we do? I see changing sleeping patterns as a two-step process: First, we have to help our kids feel safe during the day. In the daytime, the stakes are lower, so we can focus on building up our child’s coping skills without the dysregulation of bedtime protests. Then, you can move on to using various strategies to make bedtime a bit smoother.&nbsp;



For example, you can introduce a mantra and practice it throughout the day with your child: "Alex is safe, Mommy is near, my bed is cozy."&nbsp;



And remember this: Sleep changes can take a while (always longer than we would like—I know this from my work but also from experience in my own home). In the meantime, it’s critical for you to think about what you need: Maybe alternating night-time wake-ups with a spouse (if you have one), or extra screen time for your child during the day so you can get some rest.

Is it OK to Lock a Child’s Bedroom Door When They Struggle with Sleep?

Related Content

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Independent Sleep Workbook

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Kids and Adults Have Opposing Needs At Night

Independent Sleep Workshop: A Feel-Good Approach

My Kids Sleep in the Same Room and Keep Each Other Up

When Your Child Says “One More Book Before Bed!”

5 Daytime Strategies to Make Bedtime Easier

The Truth Behind Sleep Struggles

Is it OK to Lock a Child's Bedroom Door When They Struggle with Sleep?

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Key Strategy for Sleep: Mantras

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Can I Use Sticker Charts or Rewards?

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Scripts to De-Shame Your Child’s Sleep Struggles

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