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How Do I Explain When A Kid Asks "Is That A Boy Or A Girl?"

For many parents, it’s easier to plan and execute a move without having their child at home. (Thank you grandparents, aunts and uncles, and good family friends for stepping in and helping out!) But that also means your child may never see the packing, the movers, or the boxes. Don’t worry—just because your child doesn’t see the move in action does not mean it will feel traumatic or disruptive for them. There are things that you can do to prepare your child for what’s about to happen without them actually experiencing or seeing it. Here is a two-step process to prepare your not-at-home kids for a move:



<ol><li>Tell them the story of the move. For a few days (or the week) leading up to their departure, tell them the “story” of the move.  Think of the “story” as a breakdown of what will happen. First, remind them that they will go to Grandma and Grandpa’s house or to a friend’s house before the movers come. Next, explain how, once they’re gone, the movers will come to their house and box everything up. And then, finally, tell them how the movers will bring all of their furniture, toys, artwork, dishes, etc., to the new house, where it will be waiting for them when they get there. By telling this story over and over, you’ll give your child a narrative to help them imagine, understand, and process what’s about to happen.</li><li>Turn it into a game. Once they understand what’s about to happen, you can add some levity and imagination to the situation by turning it into a game. One way to do this is by making a “verbal” list with your child of the things that will be packed up. It might sound something like this: "Hmm . . . I know the movers will pack up the BIG couch. What else do you think they'll pack up? Let's go around the house and guess!" And then go room to room with your child, asking the question in every room you enter— and, yes, giggles are welcome. This dose of playfulness and fun will help your child feel good about the change and help make the transition to a new home easier.</li></ol>

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So, you’re moving. And you want to help your child with the transition ahead. Let’s understand some of the reasons why moving is so hard and then translate that understanding into strategies that can help a child cope and build resilience along the way.



One of the reasons why moving is so hard is how many things are so unfamiliar compared to how many things in a child’s life now are completely familiar. Let’s go through a few: a child knows exactly what their current home looks like, they know how many steps they take each morning to the kitchen, they know the trees and buildings they pass on the way to school, they know their family’s favorite pizza restaurant, their go-to playground…okay, you get the point! There are a million details in their day and a child has adapted to all of them.



With a move, all of this changes! It may feel like a move entails a new home, making new friends, and starting a new school. Still, each of these transitions involves so many unknown elements, and when unknown elements add up, children (and adults!) understandably feel out of control, worried, and on edge.



So, how can we help? Well, we can think of ways to make the unfamiliar a bit more familiar. After all, every element we help a child understand and visualize before a move is an element they don’t have to adapt to when the move comes. Of course, many parts of the move will remain in the “Things We Don’t Know” category, but the more we think about how to familiarize our child with their new environment, the smoother the transition will be.



Here are three ways you can make the unfamiliar more familiar:



<ol><li>Show your child pictures of where you’re moving. Use pictures from websites. Show a picture of your new home and the school building. See if you can also find pictures of local stores or playgrounds. If your child is a big baseball player, see if you can find a picture of the town’s baseball field, or if your child loves to swim, find a picture of a local pool or water slide.&nbsp;</li></ol>



<ol start="2"><li>Visit before you move. This isn’t always possible–and if it isn’t, that’s okay! If possible, visiting allows a child to start to “fill in the blanks” as they can now imagine where they will sleep at night and what school they will attend. If you’re able to visit your new home before you move, take lots of pictures when you’re there—pictures of the outside of your home, the kitchen, your child’s rooms, and maybe a video of a tour of the entire space. Create an album for your child in advance so they can become more and more accustomed to their new surroundings.</li></ol>



<ol start="3"><li>Allow your child to have a say in how their new room is decorated - and bring items from their current room. A new room feels less “new” if a child can transfer their favorite blanket or bring the pictures they had in their old room. Allow your child to choose new elements as well. This way, when you arrive in your new home and are setting up their room, your child has the feeling of “Oh, I picked that out!” and “Oh, I still have my favorite pillow!” instead of “What is this? I don’t recognize anything here.”</li></ol>



If your child is resistant to all of these ideas, don’t force them. Some kids really want to immerse themselves in their current environment before moving and resent any mention of the move. If this is your child, give yourself permission to file this article away and move onto other strategies to help your child adjust.

3 Quick Ways to Make Moving Easier

Telling your child that you are getting a divorce is hard. And most parents worry about their child having certain reactions, worries that sound like, “I really hope they don’t burst out into tears,” or “I really hope they don’t get angry with me; that would be the worst.” Well, here’s an empowering shift in perspective: reflecting on the reaction we don’t want a child to have is a critical part of preparing for this conversation. It helps us learn more about our own anxieties and increases the likelihood that we’ll show up as sturdy and connected, not reactive and triggered.



Go through this important exercise before telling your child about the impending divorce.



<ol><li>Think about the reaction you don’t want your child to have. Really develop the imagery and visualize the room you’ll be in with your child. Think about what they might be wearing, what color the couch is that they’re sitting on, and what wall color you see behind them. Imagine <a href="https://cms.goodinside.com/video/3242/how-to-share-the-news-of-divorce/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">sharing the news</a>… and imagine your child having the reaction you fear. Again, really play this out in your mind. There’s a reason for all the details and the immersing yourself in this image—it actually allows your body to notice how you will feel about that reaction. And you get to get ahead of it now by practicing the reaction you want to have! Talk about bang-for-your-buck.</li></ol>



<ol start="2"><li>Find the self-belief under your reaction. Here’s something interesting: any time we feel triggered by someone, it’s almost always because their words evoke a self-belief that feels intolerable to us. Here’s what I mean, if my child yells at me, “I hate you! You don’t care about me at all!” I’ll only be “triggered” if these words evoke a self-belief inside me that says something like, “I am a selfish parent.” If my child bursts into tears or says, “I’ll never be happy again!” I’ll only be “triggered” if my child’s sadness evokes a self-belief inside me that says something like “I’m messing up my kids forever” or “I’m a failure of a parent.” Right now, think about what self-belief might get evoked inside you and say hi to this belief. Greeting it makes it less powerful as it now becomes something you can notice instead of something that inherently feels true.</li></ol>



<ol start="3"><li>Ground yourself. Place your feet on the ground and your hand on your heart. Take some deep breaths. What you are doing now is layering groundedness after reactivity.&nbsp; This is the goal for the “real” moment when it comes. So let’s practice. Tell yourself, “My child is upset and I can handle it,” or “I can cope with this,” or “I am a good parent. I will figure this out,” or create your own mantra. Notice how the words land on your own body. See what feels right to you or leads to a slight “softening.” If nothing seems to connect—that’s fine. Nothing is wrong with you! Focus instead on taking slow deep breaths and just reminding yourself of how capable you are.</li></ol>



<ol start="4"><li>Imagine the reaction you want to have to your child’s reaction. How do you want to respond to your child if they react with sadness, anger, blame, or cruel words? I’ll give you my bias here, but create something that feels right to you. My bias is not taking the bait of a child’s reaction, holding space without judgment, and keeping it simple. This might mean words like, “I hear you,” or “I know this is a huge change,” or “You’re allowed to feel mad at me,” or “I know this feels awful right now,” or “I’m here. I’m still here. You can feel anything, and I’ll be here.”&nbsp;&nbsp;</li></ol>



Practice. Try this exercise a few times before you talk with your kids. Each time you practice, you give your body a chance to experience this new circuit. And you increase the likelihood that you’ll respond to your child based on their needs, not your triggers.

Preparing for Your Child’s Reaction to Telling Them You’re Getting Divorced

Here’s something I know about you: you care deeply about your child. And as you think about important life events and transitions, you want to help your child manage the stress and worry so that they can feel as safe and comfortable as possible.



And here’s something else I have a feeling about: you may more naturally think about your child’s needs than you think about your own needs. So let’s take a moment to remember that transitions and life events are stressful and worry-filled for adults too! And actually, the more we honor this reality and make space for self-awareness and self-care, the more easily a parent can show up as a sturdy leader for a child.&nbsp;&nbsp;



So let’s focus on a few things you can do for yourself to help manage stress during this time.



<h2>Care About Your Feelings</h2>



Here’s something we know about feelings: the more you ignore them, the more creative they have to be in getting your attention. Why is this? Think about your feelings as one of your children…and now think about ignoring a child calling out to you for help. Ignoring your child at this moment doesn’t make the problem go away; it only makes your child have to escalate their efforts to get your attention! Feelings work the same way. We can’t “beat” feelings, but we can join them, and in doing this, we help them decrease their intensity because they no longer feel so alone.&nbsp;



Make it a practice to check in with your feelings during any big life event. It may look like setting the alarm on your phone twice a day with a message that says, “Pause and take a few deep breaths” or “It’s okay if things feel hard right now.” It may look like practicing the <a href="https://cms.goodinside.com/video/1357/key-strategy-for-self-care-avp/">AVP (Acknowledge, Validate, Permit) Strategy</a>. It may look like this mantra: “My feelings are real. My feelings are important. I care about my feelings.”



<h2>Make a “Five Things to Do When Stressed” List</h2>



Here’s something interesting about stress: once it activates, it’s very hard to think clearly and make good decisions for ourselves. So, we have to “get ahead” of stress and anxiety before they peak! How can we do this? Glad you asked: right now, make a “Five Things to Do When Stressed” list. Your stressed-out self will thank you for creating this menu of options. After all, when you’re spiraling, you likely won’t be able to generate these ideas, but you will be able to read them, which will likely lead to much better coping. There are no “right” ideas here. Write down anything that grounds you and puts you in touch with your sense of capability. Some examples include journaling, dancing, taking a long shower, exercising, calling a friend, or attending a live event in the Good Inside community.



<h2>Create a Support Team</h2>



Here’s something key to remember: humans are a relational species. We are not meant to feel isolated…especially when life feels hard. We all need a support team—people we can be honest with, people who don’t judge us, people who make us feel understood, and people who can be present with us in our hard times. Creating a support team starts by reminding yourself that being vulnerable is a sign of strength and then having some honest conversations with friends or family to let them know what’s going on in your life. We often also have to let others know how we like to feel supported. This might mean telling someone, “I’d love to have your support around this tricky thing happening in my life. I know that support feels like listening and not solving for me, so I would be so appreciative of your hearing me out and really just helping me feel less alone in this.” Giving support doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Many people jump to invalidation (“That’s not such a big deal, you’re fine!”) or quick fixes (“Just do this thing and you’ll feel better”). This is because it’s how their problems were always responded to or because they want to feel helpful to you! Directly communicating how you feel supported helps others know how to show up for you. And this is a win for everyone.



<h2>Permit Yourself to Release Some Responsibilities</h2>



There are seasons in our lives where we just can’t fold that pile of laundry, can’t do bath time every night with our kids, and can’t make that home-cooked meal. Be kind to yourself when you’re going through tough times. You’re not weak for letting go of some responsibilities. You’re capable and strong to know where to focus your energy and where to release it. It’s okay to put unfolded clothing in your child’s drawers (and your own!), give a bath every few nights, and lean on frozen meals and mac and cheese for dinners. Releasing some of these taxing responsibilities allows you to focus on the things that matter the most.

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Before You Share The News

Finding the "right" words to talk about a school shooting where children and adults were murdered can feel impossible, and I would argue, it is impossible. Every kid and adult will have a different way of internalizing and managing their experience around this - so it's up to us to "feel that through" and notice when to pull back/move forward - trust your gut here. You know your family better than anyone else.



That being said, here is some language to use as you see fit.



"I want to tell you about something really sad/scary that happened in the world. I want to tell you about this so that if you hear about it at school or from friends, you will know what they are talking about. Here's what happened: someone used a gun to hurt a lot of people and 21 people were killed. (Pause… Breathe) This will have us feeling a lot of different things - whatever you're feeling is okay… I'm here with you."



Other things to think about: 



<ul>
<li>Whether to share that this happened in a school and that children were victims: “This happened in a school and some of the people who were killed were kids. You know that my number one job is to keep you safe and I promise I am doing everything I can to keep doing that.”</li>
<li>Talking about Lockdown Drills: “These shootings do happen in our country and it is part of why your school does a lot of safety drills. I wish you did not have to do these lockdown drills. Sometimes they will turn off the lights or have you be super quiet. It can feel weird and even scary. That makes sense.”</li>
<li>Talking about safety: Depending on your child’s age, where you live, your individual opinions, and gun laws in your city and state, you may have a variety of different conversations with your kids. Additionally, you may consider offering some reassurance and safety despite not “knowing” how safe your community is from gun violence. This is a personal choice and we understand that no one has the perfect answer to these questions. Here are a few things you might say depending on your situation:
<ul>
<li>“We’re lucky that our state has very strict gun laws and this is not at all likely to happen.”</li>
<li>“While these scary things do happen, they are not likely to happen here. I will always do everything I can to make sure you are safe.”</li>
<li>“Let’s say together: even when things are scary, we can do hard things.”</li>
<li>“Being scared and being brave can happen at the same time. It’s okay to feel any way you feel. I am here to protect you and will keep doing that.”</li>
</ul>
</li>
</ul>



Talking about this, especially with our kids, can be extremely emotional. It’s okay if you cry. It’s okay if your kids see you cry. Here are some words you can share:



<ul>
<li>“Talking about this makes me very sad. Even when I am sad and even when I cry, I am still your strong Mama.”</li>
<li>“You’re right to notice that I’ve been crying. This is really hard for me to process.”</li>
<li>“Tears are really important. It’s our body's way of telling us how we are feeling. I am feeling really sad right now. It’s not your job to make me feel better.”</li>
</ul>



The most important thing to remember during this, and all difficult conversations, is that your presence, your willingness to sit in these tough moments and be the shoulder for your child to lean on, says more than any words ever can.

How to Explain A School Shooting

If you’re a divorced parent who has gone from seeing your kids every day to having days where you don’t see your kids at all, it would make sense that lots of feelings would come up for you on the days away.&nbsp; And missing your kids on the days they are with your ex-partner can be an especially strong and painful feeling. We can’t make our feelings disappear, but we can work on coping skills that make them a bit more tolerable. Use these strategies to manage your sad feelings on those days.



<ol><li><a href="https://cms.goodinside.com/video/1357/key-strategy-for-self-care-avp/">Acknowledge, Validate, Permit</a>: There’s no better coping skill than talking kindly to our emotions. I know, that seems almost silly because the logical part of our brain wonders, “Why would that help? I don’t want to feel this way, so why would I engage with this emotion?” Here’s the thing: showing our emotions compassion helps them feel real and feel seen, and emotions (and people!) simmer down a bit when they have this type of recognition. Follow these three steps when you miss your kids. First, acknowledge your sadness by greeting it. This might sound like, “Hi, sadness. I see you,” or “Hello, I’m missing my kids feeling. You’re real.” Second, validate this feeling by telling yourself the story of why it makes sense. For example, “I love my kids and I’m thinking about them and I wish I were with them, so it makes sense I’d have sadness right now.” Third, permit the feeling to be there by telling yourself, “I give my body permission to be feeling the exact way it is feeling right now.” See how this feels after you go through all three steps.&nbsp; If you want, add a bonus 4th step add in coping by telling yourself, “I can cope with this feeling.”</li></ol>



<ol start="2"><li><a href="https://cms.goodinside.com/article/1449/two-things-are-true/">Two Things Are True</a>: Two things are true always seems to be the answer to my struggles when I’m having a hard time. And by “answer,” I don’t mean a solution that makes my struggles go away, but rather, a solution that makes an impossible moment feel merely hard (because hard is better than impossible, right?). Remind yourself that you can miss your child and go on with your day, that you can miss your child and have fun on a day you don’t see them, that you can miss your child and take care of yourself in a way you couldn’t if they were there. Too often, we act as if one feeling locks us into a single reality, as if missing our kid means we need to stay in bed crying all day. Start a sentence with two things are true and tell yourself that you’re allowed to miss your child and something else. Choose a “something else” that may at first seem contradictory so that you can hold both sides at once. Here are some examples: “Two things are true: I can miss my kids and have a long walk around the park today,” or “Two things are true: I can miss my kids and take myself to the movies.”</li></ol>



<ol start="3"><li><a href="https://cms.goodinside.com/video/2229/selfless-parenting-doesnt-benefit-anyone/">Self-Care</a>: Too often, taking care of our kids can lead to not taking care of ourselves.&nbsp; We pour so much into our kids and then get to a place where we feel emptied out, depleted, resentful, and on edge. Use your time away from your kids to fill yourself back up—and, let me say right away, yes, it’s normal if you’re not sure what activities actually feel replenishing. Honoring oneself is often so new for adults that they have to play around with many things before realizing what ends up feeling good to them.&nbsp; Here’s something important about the time when you miss your kids: your kids want you to be taking care of yourself and re-energizing yourself for their return. This is what benefits them the most! So, plan a self-care activity every day you’re without your kids, and remember, self-care doesn’t have to mean getting a manicure. Self-care can be dancing to your favorite songs from high school to put you back in touch with your energetic, fun-loving self; self-care may be learning to bake hot pretzels because there’s just something about this that feels good to you, self-care may be painting with watercolors because tapping into your creative side feels enlivening. Remind yourself that you deserve to take care of yourself—and your kids want this for you as well.</li></ol>

3 Strategies for When You Miss Your Kids

You’ve met someone new. You feel connected to them. You’re excited about them. And now you want to integrate this relationship into your life which means an introduction to your kids. So, yes, this will be tricky. And yes, you can do it. We’ve got you covered with these ideas, strategies, and scripts.



<h2>It’s okay if it’s messy.</h2>



Parents often ask me some version of this question: “How can I introduce my new partner to my child, so my child stays calm and accepts this new person?” I tell them this: You can’t. Or, at least, you can’t guarantee any reaction your child may or may not have. What you can do is ground yourself in some principles, feel confident in your approach, and get ready to support your child with whatever reaction they have. Introducing a new partner to a child is messy. It evokes feelings of insecurity and fear (“Will my parent no longer be as available to give me love and attention?”) as well as feelings of sadness and loss (“Oh… I guess my parents really aren’t reconciling after all”). Often it re-surfaces the feelings that surrounded the divorce in the first place. None of this is a reason not to have a partner - instead, it’s a reason to maintain a Two Things Are True Mindset: “I can have a new partner, and my child can have feelings about it.” Both are allowed.



<h2>Wait until the relationship is serious and committed.&nbsp;</h2>



Introducing a new partner to a child is a big deal. Kids are very attentive to family structure, as their family is their source of stability and safety in the world. Kids who have divorced parents have already gone through a big shift in their family structure, so being mindful of any additional shifts is important. Introducing a new partner signals to a child: “Hey, your world is changing again. There’s a new person to get to know, a new relationship to form, a new relationship to witness, new dynamics at play.” Children are undoubtedly resilient, and we can help them through this additional transition—and we want to minimize how many important people come in and out of their family lives. So, wait until you are serious with a partner to introduce them.



<h2>Use simple, direct, and clear language to describe your relationship.</h2>



Before introducing your new partner to your child, talk to your child about this person and the relationship. You probably want a week or more lead time between introducing your child verbally to the fact that you have a new partner and introducing your child in person to this new partner. This first conversation may be tricky, so prepare yourself by practicing a “script” in front of a mirror if you’re nervous or know that direct communication can be tricky for you. A few principles to remember: prepare your child for the conversation, be honest, and make space for feelings.&nbsp;



Here are some sample scripts to use (but you know yourself and your child best, so amend so that they work for you!):&nbsp;



<ul><li>“I want to talk to you about something important, something that you will probably have some feelings and questions about. Okay, here we go: I have a new important adult in my life. This person has become my (extra special friend/boyfriend/girlfriend). Before we go further, I want you to know that my love for you will never change. You are so special and important to me and always will be. Let me pause. I’m here for all your questions and feelings.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“(Name) will never replace your other parent.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“I would understand if you have worries about this new relationship. I’m here to hear about all of them.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Yes, I would love you to meet them.&nbsp; We can think together about a first meeting, and I’ll make sure you have a say in what we do and where we go.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“If this new relationship ever feels… well, if it ever just feels kinda tricky to you, you can always talk to me about it. I’ll check in anyways, but I’m always open to hearing about your questions and concerns.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Am I getting married to this person? Great question. So glad you asked me. You are trying to figure out how much this person will be in our lives. I get that. No, we don’t have plans to get married right now. What I can promise you is that as this relationship continues, and if it gets more serious, I’ll always talk with you about it.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“I know… it’s been just you and me for a while now. So having a new adult around—it’s really new. It’s a big change.”</li></ul>



<h2>Your excitement likely will not be matched by your child’s.</h2>



New relationships are full of excitement. And if post-divorce, you felt lonely, sad, or hopeless, then it’s likely you are especially invigorated by your new partner. And guess what? You deserve to feel all your happiness! So give yourself permission for those feelings–and separate them from your child’s reactions and initial feelings. Two things are true: you are allowed to feel how you feel about your new relationship and your child can feel how they feel about it. Remember to check in with yourself before you talk to your kids: you don’t need their happiness to permit yourself to be happy. You don’t need them to be excited for you to feel excitement for yourself. The more you realize that you can feel one way and your child can feel another–and no one is “right” or “good” or “bad” here–the less triggered you will be if your child reacts with anger or pushback.



<h2>First meeting: share a short activity outside of your home.</h2>



There’s no perfect recipe for the first meeting between your child and your new partner. Here are some things that help: keep the meeting short, think about an activity you can do together, and meet outside of your home. Here’s why: Your child will likely have lots of big feelings around the first meeting–remember, your child has been adjusting to a changing family dynamic and is particularly sensitive to anything around them that could further threaten their stability. But, again, this doesn’t mean that you can’t have a new partner–not at all! What it means is that you should consider your child’s experience and perspective. Ease your new partner into the family slowly and in a way where your child feels some amount of control. For example, doing an activity together can help the meeting feel less intense. Take bowling versus sitting across from a new adult at dinner—bowling allows for playfulness and a split focus, whereas dinner and talking for two hours could feel overwhelming! Meeting outside the home lets your child lower any defensiveness and be more open to connection.&nbsp;



<h2>Tolerate your child’s feelings.</h2>



This is something we are always working on with our kids—separating their feelings from our own feelings and realizing that our job is to help them tolerate their feelings, not to get rid of or minimize their feelings. So how can you do this? Validation, empathy, and presence without fixing are your best tools when helping your child adjust to your new partner. Here are some scripts that likely will be helpful if your child is having a hard time with your new relationship:



<ul><li>“Makes sense you feel that way. I get it.”</li><li>“I know this is really, really hard.”</li><li>“You’re really mad about this. I get that. I really do.”</li><li>“It’s okay that you’re mad at me. I love you. I know how hard this is.”</li><li>“I’m here. I’m here for all your questions and feelings and all of it.”</li><li>“You can ask me any questions you have. All questions are good questions.”</li><li>Say nothing. Take a deep breath. Look at your child lovingly.</li></ul>



<h2>Continue the conversation with your child.</h2>



Your child’s adjustment to a new partner is an ongoing process which means they need us to connect with them in an ongoing way.&nbsp; Your child will likely have feelings surface at various transition points in your new relationships: when your new partner comes to your home, if you go on a vacation together, if you move in together, etc.&nbsp; For each relationship milestone you have, keep in mind that your child may have a surge of anxiety or fear or jealousy, or other big feelings. Remember to check in with them and make space for these feelings (instead of trying to convince a child why they don’t need to have their feelings–we don’t want to do this!). Words like, “Hey, I want to check in with you about what it’s like to see (name of new partner) more often/here for Sunday dinners. It’s important that I know how you feel and what questions you have. I’m here for all of it.”

How to Introduce a New Partner

It’s tricky for kids to travel between homes. After all, homes are a source of stability for a child, and moving homes means that children have to adjust to a new environment, a new physical space, and often new rules and relationship patterns as well. Now, before we go any further, let me say this: you didn’t mess up your child and none of this is insurmountable! It does mean that we can think together about your child’s experience and how to help them with their home-to-home transitions.



Let’s go over a few big ideas around between-home transitions and then translate those ideas into actionable strategies:



<h2>1</h2>



Idea: Kids thrive on predictability. After all, predictability communicates to a child that their world is understandable and patterned, not random and chaotic. The more in control a child feels, the more in control a child behaves. So adding order helps everyone.



Strategy: Make sure both homes have visual reminders of your child’s schedule so that your child can always see how many nights they have in each home. If transitioning between homes is new for your child, review this schedule often. Things like, “Let’s look at the schedule and see…you’re here tonight and then tomorrow is school and baseball, and then you sleep here again tomorrow night and then go to school the next day and… Oh! There’s the change! Then mom will pick you up and you’ll sleep at her house. Hm. This is all new! Let’s go over it again.”



<h2>2</h2>



Idea: Kids need time to process changes. Think about building in some “transition time” when a child arrives at your home instead of jumping right into an activity. Think about how you would feel if you arrived in a new hotel. You might want to check in and wander around a bit to get your bearings before jumping into the pool. Every time a child arrives in a home, they need to re-orient to the new space. Remember: if your child seems withdrawn or “off” at first, this doesn’t mean they’re not excited to be with you, but rather it’s a sign of their processing and adjustment.



Strategy: Learn how your child likes to transition. After all, there’s no one right way! You may learn that your child likes to check out their room when they arrive or sit on a couch and read a book. You might learn that giving your child a big hug and whispering, “I’m so glad to be with you,” creates a predictable routine that helps with the shift. The main idea is this: hold off on jumping into an activity right away and remember that while you have been living in this house, your child is (every time!) making a big transition and change. 



<h2>3</h2>



Idea: Self-Care. It’s okay that you have many feelings about your divorce and ex-partner. Those feelings are normal and it’s important that you allow and get to know them. And this is true as well: your child is already coping with lots of their own feelings about the family system change and is looking for you to be their sturdy leader. So check in with yourself before your child arrives to honor your feelings, pay attention to them, and put up some boundaries around them so that you can be present for your child during their time with you.



Strategy: Make a ritual for yourself before your kids return to your house. It may be seeing a therapist the day before the home switch or journaling the night before, so you’re aware of what’s going on inside you. It may be calling friends to vent about your ex, so that you don’t share these feelings with your child. It may be watching videos in the Good Inside Library to remind yourself of some of the ideas and strategies you’re working on with your kids. Think about one or two things to have in place to prepare yourself for the big transition when your child arrives.



<h2>4</h2>



Idea: Minimize conflict with your partner when you make home-to-home transitions. Kids pick up on everything, especially in emotionally heightened moments and switching homes is certainly a time of heightened emotions! When kids are moving from one home to another, they are paying extra close attention to the safety of their environment. And the most significant factor in a child’s emotional safety? Their parent.



Strategy: Conflict-free transitions. Commit to conflict-free “hand-offs” with your ex.&nbsp; Of course, you have plenty of conflict between you and lots of things to discuss and figure out. Remember that the transition between homes is tricky for kids. They are juggling many thoughts and emotions, including re-surfacing their feelings about the family system change, the excitement of seeing one parent, the sadness of not being with the other, and so many more. One thing our kids don’t need is the added pressure of moderating a heated discussion, the anxiety of absorbing their parents’ tension, or the fear of witnessing a big argument.

4 Strategies for Managing Home-to-Home Transitions

There are many resources available for how to talk to your child about transitioning between homes and how to manage conflict with an ex, but what about when your ex-partner is no longer involved in your child’s life? What’s a parent to do then? How can we explain the absence to a child?



<h2>Why it’s important to be honest</h2>



First of all, let’s remember this core principle that drives so much of what we do here at Good Inside: it’s not information but the lack of information that scares kids. After all, kids notice everything around them. They have to be extra perceptive because of how dependent they are on others to survive! And so, the only real options we have are to leave them alone with what they notice (in which case they have to rely on themselves to try to understand) or talk to them about what they notice (in which case, they have our support and our narrative to try to understand …much better!). Unfortunately, when kids rely on themselves to understand the situation, they often resort to self-blame. It’s one of the only coping mechanisms kids have that lets them feel as if they’re in control. So they tell themselves some version of this story: “It’s my fault that my dad isn’t involved. If I were better and more impressive and more loveable, he’d come around,” or “It’s my fault that I never see my mom. Something is wrong with me. After all, if there weren’t, my mom would want to see me.”



We don’t want our kids to engage in self-blame. So, how can we avoid this? By talking to them, supporting them, and being honest with them. Kids know when they’re not getting the real truth, and again, in that gap of confusion, they learn not to trust you and often blame themselves. So remember, that honesty is the best way to preserve your connection with your child and your child’s self-esteem.



<h2>How to talk to your child about their absent parent</h2>



Now, of course, there are so many reasons why your ex may no longer be involved in your child’s life. What’s critical for your child is to talk about it and not match your ex’s absence with your absence and avoidance. Even if your child doesn’t talk about their other parent or ask about it, they’re likely wondering if you’ll permit them to think about this parent, ask about this parent, and voice questions and concerns and feelings about this parent.&nbsp;



So, start the conversation. You don’t have to dive in all at once. And at any point, you can pause if it feels like too much for you. Here are some scripts that may be helpful. Of course, keep in mind that every family situation is different, so amend and edit or skip the ones that don’t apply.



Scripts to start the conversation:



<ul><li>“I want to talk with you about something really important. And something that’s… well… .tricky to talk about. You and I will probably both have lots of feelings come up.”</li><li>“I want to talk to you about your (father/mother). I know we haven’t talked about them in a while, but I realized it’s important for you to understand what’s going on and that’ll only happen if we talk honestly together.”</li><li>“I want to talk about something tricky. In our family, I’ll always talk to you about things that are true even if they’re hard to talk about.”</li></ul>



Sample scripts about their absence:



<ul><li>“We haven't seen your father for a long time. In fact, I don’t know if you remember ever being with him. I wanted to be very honest with you about why we don’t see him, so you understand everything. Your father struggles to stay calm and treat people with care and respect. And so right now, we won’t be seeing him. I do know that he loves you and I know for sure that there’s absolutely nothing you did wrong to cause his problems. I also know that this is tricky to talk about, and you can share any feelings or questions you have.”</li><li>“I don’t know if we’ve ever really talked about why we don’t see your mom. I know you’ve probably heard me talk about her and your grandparents mention her too. What have you heard? Let’s talk about it…”&nbsp;</li><li>“I wish I had a great reason to tell you why we don’t see your father.&nbsp; Here’s what I know for sure: there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and you didn’t cause him to leave. He is someone who has so much trouble being close to the people he loves. I know he loved you. I know he’s no longer here. I know none of this is your fault. I know you’re allowed to feel sad and mad about it. I know I will always always, always be here for you and will never, never leave. I know we’ll get through this together.”</li></ul>



Scripts to check-in:



<ul><li>“What’s this like—to talk about?”</li><li>“I want to pause here. We have so much time to talk. I know this can bring up lots of different feelings. I’m here for you and all of your feelings.”</li></ul>



Scripts to invite more conversation:



<ul><li>“This is something we’ll talk about over and over. You can always ask me questions.”</li><li>“This isn’t the last time we’ll talk about this. This is an important ongoing conversation.”</li><li>“It’s okay if you have big thoughts and feelings about this. They may come up now or tomorrow or in weeks or months. It always makes sense to have feelings about this. And you can always come to talk with me about them.”</li></ul>

Talking With Your Child When Your Ex Is No Longer Involved

It’s hard to see your kids feel sad, angry, or anxious about your move. And if you’re like many parents, you have the instinct to convince them why this change will be great for them and why they will love the new town. After all, we all want to help our kids adjust, not harp on the past, right? Well, here’s the thing: the more we help a child process the change, the more they will be able to adapt because they will be able to form a coherent narrative around the transition.&nbsp;



<h2>What is a Coherent Narrative?</h2>



A coherent narrative is a story that makes sense of our experience—that weaves together disparate events and ties them together. Being able to form a coherent narrative is somewhat like our ability to take various fabrics and sew them together to create a beautiful quilt instead of leaving the pieces strewn all over the house. Picture that difference now: 20 pieces of fabric separated from each other versus those same 20 pieces connected in a quilt. Yes, the fabric is the same, but the outcome is entirely different. And one of our jobs with our kids (and with ourselves!) is to help our kids form a quilt with the fabric life presents them. Yes, the “fabric” of leaving a home they love may bring up sadness or anger, but still, it’s an important part of the quilt.



<h2>Making an Album</h2>



How can we help a child form a coherent narrative around their move? Besides talking about the transition, creating a photo album helps a child process the change and hold onto this important chapter of their life. So, before you pack up your moving boxes and furniture, take pictures of your home as it is. Ask your child if they want to participate. Allow them to snap photos of their favorite cozy corner or take a picture of them in their room. Remind your child, “These pictures will help us remember everything we love about this time in our lives. And it’s so important to remember; we don’t want to forget.” This helps normalize the experience of keeping these memories alive. They may want you to take a picture outside their school building or inside their favorite ice cream store. Document all of these special places, ideally with your child in the picture, because this will help them form that coherent narrative and feel more secure in the moving transition.

Before the Move Strategy: Make a Photo Album

You want to take your child to the hospital to visit a sick parent or have a final goodbye before a family member’s passing and those visits can be very emotional. Not only will you likely have a surge of feelings around the person you are visiting, but you will also likely find it very emotionally taxing to support your child in these tricky moments.&nbsp;



Here are some ways to help you and your child prepare for this experience.



<h2>Remember self-care</h2>



Don’t just focus on your child. Before your visit, prepare yourself. Practice a mantra that feels grounding. Reach out to friends and let them know you’ll need support later that day. The more supported you feel, the better prepared you will be to support your child.



<h2>Talk about the illness, honestly, in advance</h2>



Visiting a sick or dying adult is understandably very hard for kids. And yet, what makes it harder for them is feeling surprised and unprepared. If you decide to take a child on a hospital visit, it’s critical to prepare them in advance. Tell your child the name of the adult’s illness using real words like “lung cancer” or “diabetes.” Naming the illness can help a child understand what’s happening around them, and understanding is key to feeling safe.&nbsp;



If a child asks you, “Is Grandpa going to die?” and you know that the answer is yes, take a deep breath and share this honestly: “Such a good question. I’m so glad you asked me what’s on your mind. Yes, he is. It’s one of the reasons we are visiting him, to see him before he dies.” Or, if you’re not sure, share this: “Such a good question. I’m so glad you asked me what’s on your mind. The truth is that we don’t know yet. And I promise you that I’ll share it with you when I have more information. And until then, you can ask me anything and share anything with me.”



<h2>Differentiate the adult’s illness from common childhood illnesses&nbsp;</h2>



Children are always trying to understand their environment and connect the dots.​​ This is how they learn about the world and keep themselves safe. You and I know that a stroke is not the same as a cold and we know that a brain tumor is not the same thing as strep throat, but children don’t understand the difference if we don’t explain it to them.&nbsp;



Often, we use the same word “sick” to describe illnesses of varying magnitude and to describe both contagious and non-contagious illnesses. It’s important to talk to your child about these differences. Using language like this may help: “You know how we just talked about a tumor and what it is? Here’s something else important: it’s totally different from some other ways of being sick. You know how when you had COVID last year, we talked about how ‘other people could get it’ from you? Well, tumors aren’t like that at all. No one can get them from being around someone who has one. So when we visit Mom, we don’t have to worry about ‘catching’ the tumor. Tumors can’t be spread or caught.”



<h2>Discuss what your child will see</h2>



Share what your child should expect. This might mean telling them about an adult lying in a hospital bed or having tubes in various parts of their body. General rule: If your child will see it, talk about it first. Remember: it’s not information but lack of information that scares kids. Use words like, “I want to tell you exactly what the visit will be like” and “I want to tell you what to expect when you see Grandpa… he looks very different from the last time you saw him, and I want you to have all the information before we go.”



<h2>Validate and remove fault</h2>



When kids are overwhelmed by distressing emotions and don’t have adults to support them, they often resort to two coping mechanisms to regain a sense of control: self-doubt and self-blame. Self-doubt sounds like this: “Hmm… is this all as hard and upsetting as it seems? I’m looking around, and it seems like my dad is in pretty bad shape, and this seems pretty dire, but… well, no adult is saying that to me, so I guess I must be getting this all wrong, and everything is really okay.” Self-blame sounds like this: “This is all so bad. My dad is so sick. I must have caused this when I yelled ‘I hate you’ last week. I’m so bad. I’m so dangerous. I’m so poisonous inside. I made this happen.”&nbsp;



We don’t want kids to engage in self-doubt or self-blame, and luckily, there’s a lot we can do to avoid this. We can validate our kids’ perceptions and explicitly say it’s not their fault. For example, you might share: “We saw Dad today at the hospital. He is very sick. You’re right to notice that. And it’s okay if you have big feelings about seeing him. I can talk with you about those.” And also: “I want to tell you something. Nothing about dad getting sick is your fault. None of us caused this. Sometimes bad things happen and it’s nobody’s fault. It’s just hard. This is one of those times.”



<h2>Presence over solutions</h2>



If you’re going to repeat one mantra over and over, use this: “My child needs my presence and support, not my solutions.” Hospital visits are hard. We can’t make them un-hard. But, we can let our children know that we are there for them. And when it comes to tolerating distressing emotions and tough experiences, this makes all the difference.

How to Prepare For A Hospital Visit

Here’s something I want every parent to know: It’s okay not to know! And, it’s okay to not be able to answer all of your child’s questions. In fact, one of my favorite strategies to help kids process big life events and transitions involves talking about the things we don’t know.



Hear me out: kids are often looking for clarity and explanation, and understandably, this can make parents feel very anxious given there is so much uncertainty around big life events. For example, you may not know your exact work schedule when you return to the office after parental leave and you may not know the names of your neighbors when you move to a new town. Here’s the thing: our kids don’t need certainty as much as they need organization and clarification. And naming directly what you don’t know actually helps kids feel safe because only a sturdy leader could be so honest about what remains uncertain.&nbsp;



So, let’s jump into the Here’s What I Know and Here’s What I Don’t Know Strategy, which I abbreviate as IKIDK (I Know, I Don’t Know).



<h2>IKIDK Strategy:&nbsp;</h2>



<ul><li>See your child’s concerns</li><li>Name what you know and what you don’t know</li><li>End by talking about how the ultimate thing you know is your presence, your connection with your child, and your belief that you’ll get through it together</li></ul>



<h2>Examples:</h2>



<ul><li>“You’re asking so many great questions about what it’s going to be like when Mom and I live in two different houses. Here’s what I know and here’s what I don’t know. I know that you are loved, and you will still have a family with two parents. I know that it’ll be a bit tricky to get used to this new arrangement and you will have lots of feelings come up. I don’t know which days you’ll be at each of our homes yet. I don’t know which parent will take you to soccer. I know we’ll figure those things out, I know we will help you with all of these changes, and I know we will get through this all together.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“I know there’s a lot on your mind about Dad’s cancer.&nbsp; Of course, there is. And you ask the best questions. Let me tell you what we know and what we don’t know. We know that dad has a type of cancer called leukemia. We know that he’s … very sick. We know that it’s the kind of sick that won’t spread to you or me and so we can be around him as much as we want. We know that he’s seeing terrific doctors who are doing everything they can to help make him healthier. Here’s what we don’t know: we don’t know exactly what will happen next. Here’s what else we know: we will always be honest with you, you can talk to us about anything, and we will get through this together.”</li></ul>

What I Know What I Don't Know Strategy

Here’s a key idea around helping kids adjust to big life events: the more they feel in control, the more they are able to act in control. And one of the best (and easiest!) ways to help a child feel in control is to create a visual, concrete countdown to the life event or transition that is upcoming. Countdowns work great for moves, your return-to-work, and between-home transitions.&nbsp;&nbsp;



<h2>General guidelines:</h2>



<ul><li>Create the countdown on paper or something your child can see and touch</li><li>Each day, have your child participate in the passing of time—this gives a child a sense of agency and control</li><li>Narrate the change that’s happening (this is especially helpful for younger kids)</li></ul>



Below are some examples of countdowns, but remember, none of these are “right.” They’re just examples so you can create your own countdowns that make sense in your family.



<ul><li>Create a 10-day countdown until you return to work after parental leave. Take a pad of 11 Post-Its: write 10 on the top one, 9 on the one under, continuing that pattern until the last Post-It on the bottom says 0. Then, each morning, have your child rip off the number on top and narrate by saying, “Oh! 5 more days” or something simple like that.</li></ul>



<ul><li>Create a two-week countdown until your move to a new town. Create a calendar and have your child make a big X on each day as it passes as you ask, “How many more days?” and connect with your child about the number of days.</li></ul>



<ul><li>Create a 7-link paper-chain countdown for your child before the first day of school.&nbsp; (Creating a paper chain involves cutting paper into strips and forming interlocking loops between each one to form a chain.) Once you have your link, tape the top one to your wall or to a piece of paper that says “First Day of School!” Then, have your child cut or rip one loop each morning, starting from the bottom loop.</li></ul>



There’s no need to do anything fancy here. The key idea is to have a way for your child to account for the passing of time, to understand the upcoming transition, and to be an active participant in the upcoming transition.

Counting Down to Big Life Events

What does modern motherhood look like for you? For me, it looks like making doctor’s appointments in the school pick-up line. It looks like taking a work call at soccer practice. It looks like recording Instagram reels in my pantry, while simultaneously searching for something (anything!) to make for dinner. It looks like a constant juggling act…because it is a constant juggling act.&nbsp;



Modern moms are balancing the needs of our kids, partners, parents, friends, homes, colleagues, and ourselves. We’re surviving within systems that, frankly, aren’t set up to support caretakers. We’re breaking cycles and trying to raise our kids differently than we were raised. We’re doing so much.&nbsp;



There’s a narrative that “good” motherhood is all about what other people see us do. How much we sacrifice. It constantly makes us feel like we have to keep up to stay good, like we’re one struggle or decision away from being the “bad mother.” Well, I’m calling B.S.



Let’s tell a new story about what it means to be a good mom.



It’s not about whether you breastfed or bottle fed. It’s not about whether you’re a full-time parent, full-time in the office, or some combination of both. It’s not about whether your child wears an outfit that matches or if they go to school with a perfectly balanced packed lunch each day.



In fact, it’s separate from your behavior entirely. It’s inside of you. And after two years of witnessing this incredible movement expand around the world, here’s what I know about this community of parents:&nbsp;



We are curious.



We are vulnerable.



We are capable.



We are strong.



We are leaders.



We are good inside.



How do I know this? You’re here right now.&nbsp;



I see you, I honor you, I am right there with you.



We have the power to change the narrative about what it means to be a good mom. How? Not only with our interactions with ourselves but through our interactions with other moms. The “perfect mom” persona has gotten us nowhere. Together, we can flip the script and normalize the reality of motherhood.



So, here’s the challenge: Join me in sharing your messy house or your drive-through dinner. Share your guilt during alone time or what you miss about life before children. Share your choice to bottle feed or give kids extra screen time. Share the kind of moments you wish you saw from other parents, the kind where you wonder, “Am I alone in this?” because… I promise you, you’re not. Share it with a fellow mom at pick-up, your sister-in-law at dinner, on your social media feed.&nbsp;



Let’s come together and redefine motherhood, on our own terms this time.&nbsp;



Have a question? Want to share a thought? Talk about it in the <a href="https://community.goodinside.com/c/self-care/">#SelfCareRoom</a>

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