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Scripts for Responding to “That’s Not Fair”

Siblings

Your child just said to his sister: “You’re stupid and I hate you!” Now what?



By the time a child says something hurtful, he has become dysregulated. Remembering this is key (…same thing is true for adults!)



Now we have a choice: Either we ask a child to focus on the *impact* of his dysregulation (“You made your sister sad!”) or we can stop the dysregulated behavior from continuing and then help a child regulate. I recommend the latter.



Kids do not learn regulation through guilt.



Kids with people-pleasing tendencies may change their behavior accordingly, but not because they’ve learned how to regulate their feelings or impulses—but because attachment fears start to overpower their access to their wants and feelings. This can look like compliance in childhood and then leads to problematic relationship patterns later in life.



Ok, so an alternative: Boundaries. This is a missing piece in so many families. We have to own our authority. This may look like sending kids to rooms—not out of punishment, but to re-establish safety.



I sometimes say this in my family: “My number one job is to keep everyone safe. In our family we consider emotional safety to be as serious as physical safety. Right now, safety looks like everyone in their rooms. No one is in trouble. I’ll check on both of you. Go now.”&nbsp;



Communicate to your child that he has an important feeling or message under the hurtful language. “Seeing” this is important as it helps your child remember that he is a good kid having a hard time, not a bad kid doing bad things. This switch is critical to change.



I also recommend talking to the child who was the recipient of the hurtful language. I might say, “Your brother was upset and that feeling came out of his body in such big hurtful words. How did you feel when he said that?” or “That probably felt scary, huh? Tell me about that,” or “You’re allowed to have feelings when people say hurtful things to you.”



<h2>Try this at home</h2>



The next time you hear hurtful words between your kids, establish your sturdy leadership and show empathy: “It’s ok to be frustrated. I get that. Here’s the thing: I won’t allow hurtful language. I am separating you and your sister so we can all calm our bodies. I have a feeling you’ll find a different way to communicate your important message. Let me know if you need my help.”

When Children Say Hurtful Things to Each Other

How Do I Handle Sibling Competition?

Key Strategy for Sibling Dynamics: One on One Time

Adjusting to a New Sibling: How to Help Your Child with the Transition

Written by Kelly Nadel, Director of Clinical Training at Good Inside



It’s hard to have a sibling. Even under the best circumstances, kids fight, compete for resources, challenge roles in their families, and generally question their goodness. Now layer on that one of the siblings is a DFK who struggles with emotional regulation, intense outbursts, and difficult recoveries, and it’s hard to imagine that your kids would ever get along.



DFKs have a special place in our hearts and they get a lot of air time here at Good Inside, so we thought it was time to turn our attention to their siblings.&nbsp;



These are our kids who may feel a little invisible or who try not to “need too much.” They likely have had to put their desires on the backburner while they exercise patience as a DFK’s struggles are center-stage. As their parents, it’s important that we acknowledge and support them. After all, we want our non-DFK kids to know that their needs and feelings also matter, even if they’re not as fiery.



So, how do we talk to our less expressive children about their DFK sibling? Your conversation might start something like this:&nbsp;



"I know how hard it is sometimes, being the sister to your sibling. I think about this a lot, and I want you to know a few things that I don't always get to say.”



Next, follow up with one or more of these thoughts that feels right for your kid:



<ul><li>I see you.&nbsp;&nbsp;</li><li>I see that you have big feelings too, even though you don't express them like your sibling.</li><li>I see when you feel ignored.</li><li>I see when you have to do more than you should.</li><li>I see when you try really hard to be "good."</li><li>I see that you are ALWAYS good inside.</li><li>I see that you wish I made more time for you.</li><li>I see that you can love and hate your sibling at the same time.</li></ul>



And finally, remind them that:



“I know right now your sibling needs more from me. I know that doesn't feel fair. I also know, it won't always be this way. I love you. You are good inside. And I'll always be here for you."



Remember: we don’t have to change or fix a family dynamic as much as we have to acknowledge it. Speaking to your non-DFK child’s experience helps that child feel seen and safe, and important.

What the Sibling of Your DFK Needs to Hear

Scripts for When Siblings Compare Themselves To Each Other

Deep Dive: Myriam Sandler of MOTHERCOULD on Frustration Tolerance and Sibling Dynamics

How to Stop Doing Fair

Sibling Dynamics: Conflict Resolution and Building Strong Relationships

Understanding Sibling Dynamics through an Attachment Lens

If your kids are arguing more than ever, fighting about who gets to sit next to you at dinner, or getting more handsy during playtime, you're not alone. Siblings are an always-present and often easy target to express all the frustration, fear, sadness, worry, and anger.



Read on to learn how to give your child skills to help them more successfully negotiate sibling conflict.



<h2>1. Give each child more 1-on-1 time. Just you and your child, no phones.&nbsp;</h2>



Your child is trying to tell you this: “When Alex and I fight so much, it’s because we feel we’re competing for the scarce resource of your attention. If I could get some more 1-on-1 time, I’ll feel more secure and then I can see Alex more as a playmate and less as a rival.”



Set aside as much 1-on-1 time as you can. If you can get 10 minutes per day with each, that’s awesome. If that feels laughable because life is already so unmanageable, try for 2 minutes once per week. In those minutes, give your child hugs and load him up with words like, “I love you so much. I always will. I know that this special time, just us, is short...but it’s the best time of my whole morning.” Maybe play the “Fill Up” game for some super concentrated connection.&nbsp;



<h2>2. Stop comparing</h2>



We inadvertently reinforce the comparison-circuit by referencing our kids against each other. We often resort to some "your sibling does this better than you" in an attempt to convince our child to get in line, listen, or change behavior. Some examples: "Your brother listened, follow his example" or "Focus on your work like your sister is doing!" or "Why can't you share with your brother? He shares with you!" These are all things I've heard coming out of my own mouth.



Here’s what to do instead:



<ul><li>Try not to compare to describe what you want: “Why can’t you put your clothes in the hamper like your sister?” </li><li>Eliminate the comparison; say what you want, directly: “Sweetie, please put your clothes in the hamper.” </li><li>Offer the most generous interpretation of your child’s struggle: “I know you intend to keep your room clean...what would be a way to have those clean-room thoughts come to the front of your mind?” </li><li>Pause to allow time for your child to problem-solve. Remember: We want to be on a team with our child against the problem, rather than have a problem pit us against our child. We want our child as a partner in change. </li><li>Reflect hopefulness about change: “I have a feeling that this conversation is going to be helpful.”</li></ul>



<h2>3. Work on emotion regulation skills.</h2>



Emotion regulation starts with 3 steps:



<ul><li>Acknowledge. “Your brother drew on your project! I see how angry that makes you.” </li><li>Validate. “You worked so hard, and now there are scribbles on it. Makes sense you’re angry.” </li><li>Give permission for the feeling. “I won’t let you hit, but you’re allowed to feel as angry as you do.” </li><li>Or simplify: “You’re so mad. Makes sense. You’re allowed to feel this way. I won’t let you hit.”</li></ul>



Add in your own deep breaths in your child’s presence. He will join in eventually.



Later on, co-create a story of why things went the way they did. This helps a child create a coherent narrative, which helps her slow down between feelings and behaviors. This allows for better decision making.



<h2>4. Slow down, describe, empower.</h2>



Solving kids’ arguments for them prevents kids from building problem solving skills. So, instead...



<ul><li>Slow down. “Whoa, lots of noise here. I need you both away from the blocks right now...now let’s just take a breath.” Speak softly and slowly to counter the chaos. </li><li>Describe. Reflect and learn without blame. “Alex, you asked Abby to help and she said ‘No’? Abby, you were building and then Alex said your tower was ugly? Then there was lots of screaming...Did I get that right?” After each kid confirms, PAUSE. </li><li>Empower. “Hm, that sounds tricky. I hear both of you. I bet you both have ideas for what to do. You’ve solved things before, you’re such awesome problem solvers…”</li></ul>



If your kids don’t generate ideas, wonder aloud with leading thoughts: “Hm...I’m thinking about that time you did that city with different areas....”



<h2>5. Proactive sibling meetings</h2>



<ul><li>Make a meeting: “Let’s have a meeting to talk about what’s been going on. No one is in trouble. The opposite; you both have great ideas, so let’s think together.” </li><li>Set your intention: “The goal is to think of ideas that might help make your time together a bit more peaceful.” </li><li>Brainstorm and record: Get ideas from everyone and write them down, even ridiculous ones. Brainstorm a funny idea yourself to add some levity. </li><li>Review the list: Read each idea slowly, wondering, “Hm, I wonder if there’s something here that could be helpful? Abby, Alex, what do you think?” </li><li>Pick something to try: “Ok, so there’s agreement that you’ll play with blocks together. Then Alex, when Abby tells you nicely that she wants some alone time, you’ll do your own thing with your trucks.” </li><li>Express positivity. “I’m so proud of you two. Such amazing problem-solvers.”</li></ul>

5 Strategies to Manage Sibling Rivalry

Scripts to Prepare Your Child for a New Baby

Sibling Birthdays

When One Kid Excels in Accomplishments

It’s Hard To Have a Sibling

What's Underneath Competition?

Sibling Jealousy

When Your Child is Struggling With A Baby Sibling

Scripts For When Your Children Argue

"It's not fair! You got Amare new shoes! You have to buy me new shoes!"



I see so many families work to make things fair as a method of attempting to decrease conflict—but in fact, making things fair is one of the biggest propellants of conflict.&nbsp;



First: Having a sibling is tough. There's a reality that we must acknowledge. Our job is to help kids feel safe and secure with themselves—this is what helps kids start to see siblings as companions, not competitors.



Second: The more we work for fairness, the more we increase competition. When we make things fair, we increase a child's hypervigilance; we essentially say, "Yes, continue to watch your sibling like a hawk. Make sure you keep track of everything he has, because that's how you can figure out what you need in this family." No wonder kids continue to insist on having what a sibling has.



Third: We want to help our kids—in life, not just in sibling relationships—orient IN to figure out their needs, not orient OUT. When my kids are adults, I don't want them to think, "What do my friends have? What are their jobs, their homes, their cars? I need what they have." Talk about a life of anxiety and emptiness - the emptiness is, in fact, from not having any interiority - a sense of who you are on the inside, not as defined by or as compared to people on the outside.



Fourth: Let's move from fairness complaints ("It's not fair!") to internal needs. When your kid screams "Not Fair" - your job is to move his gaze back IN. We don't force this; we model it.&nbsp; Instead of making things equal ("You'll get new shoes soon!"), label what's happening inside your child: "It's so hard to see your brother get something new... Can you get new ones? Not right now sweetie. We don't do equal in this family. We do ‘every kid gets what they need.’ You're allowed to be upset. I get it."



Here’s an example:



FAIRNESS ORIENTATION:



<ul><li>Child: “No fair, you took Hayley for ice cream today!” </li><li>Parent: “Ok, I’ll take you for ice cream tomorrow. Chill out!” </li><li>Lesson: Look outward to others to determine what I need.</li></ul>



INDIVIDUAL NEEDS ORIENTATION:



<ul><li>Child: “No fair, you took Hayley for ice cream today!” </li><li>Parent: Ugh, you wish you got ice cream with me, huh.” </li><li>Child: “Yes, you need to take me!” </li><li>Parent: “Ok, so when you think about our special time tomorrow, the way you’d like to use it is going to get ice cream?” </li><li>Child: “Um...maybe. Or we had said we could go to the park together. Hm. Maybe that. Can I let you know?” </li><li>Parent: “Sure, think about what feels best to you.” </li><li>Lesson: Look inward to myself to determine what I need.&nbsp;</li></ul>

Moving Away from Fairness

If you’re expecting a second child (or a third, fourth, fifth…!), there are lots of things you can do to prepare your older child for an as-smooth-as-possible transition. I say smooth-as-possible because, remember: we want to help our kids with the big emotions they face AND we have to tolerate the fact that we cannot convince them out of their emotions. We want to help our kids anticipate emotions, understand them, manage them… but this does not turn kids into robots who are perfectly placid or calm all the time. This is a major Two Things are True: let’s help our kids manage the transition to having a new baby in the family while also understanding that we are still going to have to tolerate some outburst, meltdowns, and tough moments.&nbsp;&nbsp;



Here are my top three tips for introducing a new baby to your older child: 



1. After you’ve had a new baby, have your first moment with your older child be without the baby. What does this mean? Ask the nurses in the hospital if they can keep the baby with them when your older child comes or if your child doesn’t visit in the hospital, walk into your home and greet your older child without carrying the new baby in your arms. Why does this matter? We want our older child to know that they are still a key part of the family, that everything hasn’t changed for them overnight, and the visual of seeing your parent walking into a room with a baby versus just your parent walking into a room and then meeting your new sibling after… makes a huge difference. In the first situation, an older child often feels that the whole family has changed and they are now an intruder; in the second scenario, a child has visual confirmation that their family foundations remain strong. Some parents I know report that their older child comes to visit in the hospital and doesn’t even want the baby to come into the hospital room: this is normal and healthy (it’s also normal and healthy if your child wants to see the baby!)! Remember that your child has a long time to develop a relationship with a sibling and if your child wants to see only you in the hospital, allow it and trust that it’s what your child needs. 



2. Don’t cast your older child into the “big kid” role. This is counter-intuitive, I know, because so many of us are told to emphasize that our older child is “such a big kid” after a new baby comes. Here’s the thing: our kids want to be independent and dependent. They want to feel old and they want to feel cared for. The more we force our child to identify as the “big kid,” the more they may feel pulled to regress given their dependency and “young kid” needs aren’t being seen or validated. Ironically, the less we force this role on an older child, the more likely they are to come into it on their own. So be mindful of words like, “Come on, you’re a big kid now!” or “You don’t need me to hold you, you’re not the baby!” and instead understand that kids have both wishes inside. You might even name this: “Sometimes it feels good to be the big kid… and sometimes you wish you were the youngest. I get that” or “You’re still going to be my kid I love and care for. I can still carry you and snuggle with you. Even as you get older and do more on your own, we can still have all that special time together.” 



3. Proactively name that it’s ok to have mixed feelings about becoming a big sibling. Let’s do away with the narrative of “Isn’t it just so amazing to become a big brother?” and “Do you love being a big sister sooooo much?” I mean, when I had my second kid, things were stressful! If my friends said to me over and over, “Don’t you just love having two kids? Isn't it just the best?” … Well, I’d feel guilty for the feelings inside that felt overwhelmed, I’d feel alone in my distress, and I’d feel angry that no one tried to actually understand the complexity of my emotional experience. This is true for our kids too. Does this mean we should say to our older kids, “Isn’t being a big brother the WORST?” or “Don’t you just hate every second?” No! There’s a lot between these two extremes - and the area between is where we want to live. After all, we can only regulate the emotions we allow ourselves to have, and kids need our permission for them to feel jealous or angry before they learn to manage these feelings and not act them out in the form of hitting, yelling, tantrums, etc. Here’s what I recommend: “It’s ok to have many feelings about becoming a big sibling. I get that. It’s ok if a part of you feels excited and a part of you feels nervous and a part of you feels mad. We can talk about all those feelings in our family.” Will your child look at you and say, “Thanks mom for understanding me!” … NOPE! Your child will probably say, “Can I have that snack now?” Still, trust that your comment “got in there” and matters.&nbsp;&nbsp;

Introducing a New Baby to your Older Kid

“My daughter is so jealous of her older sister. She has no reason to be, she’s a great kid! How do I help her?”



“How can I help my son be less jealous of his siblings? He’s always comparing no matter how much I tell him he’s so special too!”



Here’s the thing: we can’t take away feelings. Once a child has felt a feeling, our choices are only these: we can help a child manage the feeling or we can leave a child alone with the feeling. And all of our attempts to get kids to “not feel” an uncomfortable feeling… they leave a child alone, which only makes a child less able to manage it!



Jealousy is a tough feeling. One of the toughest. In fact, when I think of my own experiences with jealousy - from childhood and adulthood… ugh, my body constricts and I too want to avoid those memories and tough sensations! But there’s also this: jealousy is one of the feelings we all feel. No one goes through their lives without feeling jealous!



So how can we help our kids with jealousy? Well, first by normalizing it to ourselves. Tell yourself this: “Feeling jealous is painful and feeling jealous is normal. Two things are true!” Second, get curious about the jealousy: “Hm… what is my child struggling with under the jealous comments or behavior? What does my child feel insecure about? What does my child see in a sibling that they struggle with themselves?” Third, focus on empathizing with your child when they feel jealousy rather than trying to convince them out of their jealousy. This helps your child feel supported which helps the jealousy feel manageable. So instead of, “There’s no reason to feel jealous!” share, “You’re feeling jealous. I hear you. Tell me more” or “I remember feeling jealous of my brother too. Ugh that was hard.”&nbsp; When we empathize and connect, we are building the foundation for emotion regulation - which means more of an ability to tolerate feelings rather than those feelings coming out in the form of dysregulated behavior.

Jealousy Is Normal

Real life happens. We want to stay with our son who is dysregulated after hitting his sister and we want to be with our daughter who is reeling after being hit. Oh, right, and if you're like me, then what you really want at this moment is to be by yourself, trying to calm down and manage your own surging emotions.



We often really do want to be present for our child... and yet for so many practical reasons, have to leave her side. It's ok. This happens to me all the time too. Either we're all bad parents... or we're all human. I choose the second category.



Ok, so what to do in these "I want to be with my child but also just can't fully give him what he needs" moments?



Follow these steps:



<ol><li>Calm your own body. Tell yourself, "I am a good parent. Parenting is super hard right now. I'm doing the best I can. I am in the Human Club with Dr. Becky and millions of other parents."</li><li>Validate your child's distressing emotions so he knows you "believe" his experience as real. Use this formula: NAME A FEELING + SAY "I BELIEVE YOU." You may not know the feeling—that's fine! You can always say, "You're upset... I believe you," or "Something is really bothering you... I believe you," or even "I don't know if either of us really understand yet what just happened, but it was important and it bothered you... I know that's true, I believe you."</li><li>Own your need to do something else. It's ok.</li><li>See your child’s wish for you to stay. Name this.</li><li>Confirm that you’ll be back and tell your child you love him.</li><li>Be present in your absence: Grab a piece of paper, draw a heart and your child's name or write "I love you Alex" and "Love Mommy." It's ok if your child doesn't read yet. He'll get it. This is your way of saying—I am here, I support you, I am building a bridge between us, hold this note before I can come back and hold you.</li><li>Repeat the first step. Remind yourself that you're a good parent doing the best you can in a very difficult situation.</li></ol>



What's it like for you when you have to manage a child having a difficult moment and another child who needs you or an important task? What's the hardest part of it?

When One Child Is Upset and Another Child Needs You

Let’s start with a brilliant analogy from Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber: Getting a sibling feels to a child like your partner getting a second spouse would feel to you. In other words, your partner comes home and says, "AMAZING NEWS! We’re getting a second wife! You're going to be a big wife and now we'll have a little wife and we're going to be one big happy family!"



If you're like me, you look around the room thinking, "WHAT? Am I in an alternative universe? Why is this good for me?"



Then you walk around your neighborhood and everyone asks you if you're excited, 9 months later, all anyone says to you is stuff about being the big wife, and then years later, you're expected to love this woman and get along swimmingly. Imagine one day you take a toy—that used to be yours!—out of her hand and everyone yells at you about it, saying that you can't do things like this, take a toy from some little wife's hand!



By this point, I think we'd be beyond confused... we'd be filled with rage that no one could see things from our perspective.



This is siblinghood.



When we are delighting in one child’s artwork, we are not commenting on the other’s; when we are holding a newborn, we are not physically comforting our older child. These are not failures—they are human limitations.&nbsp;



Our kids know this. And here’s the tricky thing: our kids want nothing more than connection with parents, as feeling loved, seen, and cared for allows kids to feel secure in the parent-child attachment, and secure attachment is what helps kids feel safe. Siblings are, in the most rudimentary way, competitors for the foundational need of safety, and so it’s almost amazing that kids ever get along with a brother or sister.



Children who are fighting non-stop with siblings, who can’t be happy for their brother when he scores a goal, who make fun of their sister any chance they get are expressing this deeper experience: “I don’t feel secure in my family, I am not getting what I need to feel good inside, and as a result, the only way I look at my sibling – at all points in the day – is as a threat to my safety.”



We cannot undo evolution—if a child does not feel secure in the family, a sibling is a threat. Every morsel of attention or love that their sibling gets raises that child’s alert level.



Now here's the good news: we know a lot about how to help kids feel more secure in the family system.&nbsp;



Here’s something you can say to your kids today:&nbsp;



“It’s OK to have lots of different feelings about having a brother. A part of you may feel happy, a part of you may feel angry, a part of you may feel jealous. Siblings are tricky.”

Reframing Sibling Rivalry

How do we honor the special connectedness of twinship while also encouraging each child’s individuality? And why does encouraging their individuality even matter?&nbsp;



Let’s start with a big idea: Identity formation is deeply connected to children developing self-trust, self-worth, and a sense of good-enough-ness. Identity allows any child to recognize their feelings, interests, wants and needs, and “gut” instinct.&nbsp;



We want our kids to learn to gaze in toward themselves (“What is going on for me? What do I feel? What do I need?”) before they gaze out (“What is happening for other people? How will that person feel? What do others want from me?”). This is critical to any child (or adult!) feeling truly grounded and having a sense of their own center.



In any family, it’s easy to compare kids to each other and for kids to then define themselves not based on gazing in and learning who they are but by, instead, inferring who they need to be relative to the other kids in their family. This leads to sibling competition and comparison and it leads to kids feeling more emptiness inside since they were unable to use their early years to explore all the different aspects of who they are as individuals.



And with twins, there is a powerful pull to group them together and even to form a joint identity. We don’t have to choose one side or the other here. So yes, it’s important to allow your twin children to celebrate their special bond and it’s important to allow them to figure out their uniqueness.&nbsp;



Here are three ways to celebrate their individuality, which, ironically, gives each child more space to connect authentically to their twin sibling!



<ol><li>Call your children by their names instead of “the twins.” For example, replace: “Oh yes, thanks for asking, the twins would love to come to that birthday party!” with “Oh yes, thanks for asking, Aila and Cheyenne would love to come.” Our kids hear how they’re referred to, and they take in the way we describe them and the parts of them we highlight. Your children hearing (or overhearing) “the twins” repeatedly is a message that their twinship is the core part of their identity, rather than a descriptor of the type of relationship they have with their sibling. Hearing their name brings their individuality to the forefront.</li></ol>



<ol start="2"><li>Different activities. I know, I know, I’m a mom too. Planning separate activities for my kids is…annoying! And it creates more logistics to manage. So, give yourself permission to put both your kids into the same basketball class or have a joint playdate with a friend. And, also be mindful of planning some different activities.&nbsp; Twins have received so many messages about the power of their connection that they need their parents to first initiate the idea of separation. So think about words like these, “I’m thinking about your activities this fall. Arash, you’ve been really into soccer, huh? I found a great class for you. Farhad, what? Soccer for you too? Huh, you know what? There’s this awesome robotics class at school on that same day. And I know you’ve been into that kind of thing. Plus, now here me out, I think it would be good for you two if you do at least one activity on your own. Let’s try it out and see how it goes. You’ll still have plenty of other stuff together.”</li></ol>



<ol start="3"><li>Use Two Things Are True. We want kids who are twins to notice the unique connection they have and feel permission to separate. We have to help our kids recognize an important duality here. After all, holding two truths at once is tricky for adults, so no wonder it’s a work-in-progress for kids! Share words like this with your kids: “You and Colby are twins and have such a special bond! How awesome. AND you and Colby are different kids and can do things separately. Two things are true: you and Colby are deeply connected and you and Colby can do things apart.” Your child likely won’t say anything in response. That doesn’t mean they don’t get it. That means it’s sinking in.</li></ol>