I received this question from a parent the other day: “My two-year-old son won’t stop asking for milk! When I tell him no, he gets so upset. My son will then desperately grab my breasts, and when I try to stop him,&nbsp; he totally loses it. I don’t know what to do! I feel so guilty when he screams and cries for milk.&nbsp; Does this mean he’s not ready to wean? Should I wait?”&nbsp;



Ok, let’s take a deep breath together. Parenting is hard and transition moments like weaning are extra hard.&nbsp; And, this is true as well: we can figure this out.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading">Start with Self-Reflection</h2>



Let’s start here: What do YOU want? This is a simple question, but it&#8217;s critical to sit with. For example, if you don&#8217;t want him to grab your breasts anymore, that is your truth. Often when working with moms who are struggling with these dynamics, they rarely say explicitly to me, &#8220;I don&#8217;t want my child to grab my breasts anymore,&#8221; but I often sense this in their roundabout words or tone.&nbsp;



If you’re like most caregivers, it’s hard to permit yourself to have your own wants and to make decisions based on your wants.&nbsp; For example, it may be hard to say aloud, “I want to stop breastfeeding,” before guilt and second-guessing kick in. Or, you may think, “Yes, I do want to stop breastfeeding, but I want to do it in a way that is good for my child!” And here’s where I can help: we cannot dictate how other people respond to our wants. You can’t, and I can’t… it’s just not possible! And, here’s the best and most relieving part: we don’t have to wait for someone else’s permission to make a decision that feels important to you. Being “a good person” isn’t about controlling other people’s emotions and “making everyone happy.” You’re already a good person because you’re good inside, separate from any one moment and other people’s feelings. And also, now that you are an adult, you’re no longer as dependent on other people’s approval as you may have needed to be during your earliest, most dependent years in your family of origin.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading">Managing Your Guilt</h2>



If you’re like many parents, weaning will come with guilt.&nbsp; Why? If making decisions based on what YOU want for yourself is somewhat new for you, guilt is a reminder that you used to always prioritize others over yourself.&nbsp; Before you make decisions without guilt, you’ll have to go through a phase of making decisions with guilt and befriending your guilt along the way.&nbsp;&nbsp;



Say this aloud with me: “Two things are true: I can feel guilty and still decide to wean. My job is to befriend my guilt, not wish it away.” And how can you start to befriend guilt? Try words like this: “Hi, guilt that activates after I recognize my own wants and needs. I see you. You have inevitably played an important part in my life over the years. And yet, you&#8217;re not as useful as you used to be! I appreciate your years of service. For now, I&#8217;m just going to ask you to take a step back. I see you and you&#8217;re a part of me—not all of me.&#8221;



<h2 class="wp-block-heading">Managing Your Child’s Protest</h2>



And what about when your child screams and cries and protests? Well, when a child is having a hard time, they need a parent&#8217;s firm, consistent, sturdy boundary. Firm, consistent, and sturdy are not code for &#8220;cruel.” It&#8217;s important to differentiate. We have to be clear and direct rather than equivocal or &#8220;asking for permission&#8221; from our kids. This is dysregulating for a child because they feel that we don’t believe the transition is safe—and so, of course, kids don’t feel safe when a leader feels ambivalent!



What does this mean in practice? If you want to work toward weaning and you want the grabbing of your breasts to end, say something like this outside the moment: &#8220;I&#8217;m not going to let you grab my breast anymore. It&#8217;s okay that you want to. I know you&#8217;re used to feeling calm that way. It will take some time, but I will teach you other ways to find calm.&nbsp; I know it&#8217;ll be hard for a few days and we will get through it.&#8221;



Then, in the moment, be firm. Again, firm isn’t mean. Firm is clear! Here’s an example of firm that’s not scary: “I won&#8217;t let you hold my breast. I know, I know, it&#8217;s such a change. I see you crying. I know this is hard. I will bend down to hug you and hold your hands behind my back as we hug to help you get used to something new. I will stop you from grabbing my breast, sweetie. I will. I love you.&#8221;



<h2 class="wp-block-heading">Let’s Put It All Together</h2>



Now, of course, real life is not as easy as this makes it sound. It’ll likely be hard for you because it’s new to hold a boundary based on your personal needs and wants.&nbsp;



You’re not being selfish. You’re not being mean. You’re not damaging your child. You’re being sturdy. And sturdy leadership is what kids need.



Remember: Boundaries are what we tell our kids WE WILL DO and require them to do nothing. We can&#8217;t &#8220;get&#8221; our kids to do or not do anything, but we can think about how we show up in those moments when our kids need us to step in.

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There is no "right" answer when it comes to thumbsucking. Naturally our kids will outgrow this - whether on their own, or once they're around peers, know that this won't last forever. That being said, if you're hoping that your child stops this behavior, I get it. What matters most here is how you approach this. 

How can we approach this in a way that feels good to us and our child? Well, let's do what we do best - focus on the truth behind the behavior, not the behavior itself. Thumb sucking serves as a comfort tool. It offers a child a sense of safety and security. In fact, it is pretty impressive that kids have found a way to do this themselves at such a young age! 

Brainstorm with your child about other ways they can calm their body. Maybe it's taking a big deep breath or hugging their arms around themselves to give themselves a hug. 

Here's a script for how to approach this conversation with your child: "I think it's so cool that you've figured out a way that you can calm your body down. I wonder what else you could do that calms your body down? (pause) Should we make a list together?"

To take this a step further and make it even more actionable, model this yourself! Maybe you're about to walk into the grocery store with your child, pause outside and say something along the lines of "Hm I'm just going to pause real quick and give myself a big hug before going into the store." (wrap your arms around yourself) Tell yourself: "I'm okay. I'm safe" and continue into the store. Maybe model this again in the store and again at times of separation (bedtime, school drop off) when you know your child is more likely to suck their thumb.

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How Not To End Up “Doing It All”

Follow these steps to manage your child’s No-More-Pacifier transition; remember, a parent’s job is to set boundaries and validate a child’s feelings, and a child’s job is to experience and express feelings. Your child may be upset - which is ok! - and you are the sturdy leader they need to show them that they are not alone in their feelings and that you will help them manage through this tricky time.

1) Find your “why.” Change is often full of stress or pushback - and having clarity on why we are making a change in our life is key to tolerating stress and pushback. So before you commit to helping your child move away from the pacifier, ask yourself, “Why am I doing this? Why is this a good idea? Why will this be helpful for my child?” There is not one right answer here; however, if you struggle to come up with any answer, it’s a sign that the transition may not make sense at that time. So, trust us, don’t skip this step! You may even want to fill in this sentence right here: “I believe it’s a good time to help my child transition away from the pacifier because __________________.”

2) Find a “neutral” time to wean your child off the pacifier. It's hard for kids to get used to a new home, transition from a crib to a new bed, and adjust to a new sibling, and we don’t want to remove a child’s primary self-soothing mechanism during a time of heightened stress. Before you help your child drop the pacifier, ask yourself, “Are there any changes? New caregivers? Transitions?” - and if your answer is, “Nope, things are pretty stable,” then the timing is likely as good as it’s going to get. 

3) Remember Family Jobs: Parents’ jobs are setting boundaries and validating a child’s feelings; childrens’ jobs are experiencing and expressing feelings.  And this holds true as well: Our boundaries don’t dictate our child’s feelings and our child's feelings don’t dictate our boundaries. In other words: We don’t need our kids’ approval to make decisions that we believe are helpful for them. While it’s helpful to have children “onboard” for important decisions - and often we should work toward this - sometimes it’s impossible. And in the case of shifting away from the pacifier, kids often resist. Being grounded in your WHY (Step 1) and in your family jobs helps make these moments easier.

4) Remember a core Good Inside principle of sturdy leadership: One foot in validation and one foot in hope. In other words, recognize your child’s emotions and recognize their inherent competence and coping ability. Here’s an example: "I know it'll be hard for a bit (validation) and I know you and I will figure it out (hope)." Another example might be: "This is the final day, sweetie. You're going to find other things to help you sleep at night. And I'll help you figure out those things. You can do this."

5) Think about other soothing sensory input. Some kids love to have chew necklaces for a period of time after they no longer use a pacifier; some kids love to carry around a stuffed animal for comfort. At night, some kids like the corners of their sheets to be "popped up" a bit and they touch or rub those as they go to sleep, other kids love a blankie. Some kids benefit from a light massage or "eyebrow release" (Rub your thumbs along their eyebrows, in-to-out, then circle around their temple area) at various moments where they might have grabbed a pacifier for self-soothing.

6) Have a party - if you want to! Some families have a “Paci Party” where, together, they will throw all the pacifiers into a jar and replace them with a stuffed animal or toy. Other families put all the pacifiers in a bag and leave them outside, say goodbye to the pacifiers, and come inside and share a gift or cake to mark the transition. If you’re thinking, “Aw, I like that, I’m going to do that!” - then great, do it!; if you’re thinking, “That doesn’t feel like us” - then great, skip it!

7) If you’re worried about how the No-More-Pacifier transition will impact sleep, check the <a href="https://www.goodinside.com/workshop/4712/independent-sleep-workshop-managing-bedtime-protests-delays-wake-ups/view/">Sleep Workshop!</a> So many amazing strategies there where you're yes, helping sleep, but really building your child's self-soothing abilities which is what sleep is all about!

<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/GoodInside_PaciTransitionGudie_v1.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide</a>

Guide to a Successful “No-More-Pacifier” Transition

I received this question from a parent the other day: “My two-year-old son won’t stop asking for milk! When I tell him no, he gets so upset. My son will then desperately grab my breasts, and when I try to stop him,&nbsp; he totally loses it. I don’t know what to do! I feel so guilty when he screams and cries for milk.&nbsp; Does this mean he’s not ready to wean? Should I wait?”&nbsp;



Ok, let’s take a deep breath together. Parenting is hard and transition moments like weaning are extra hard.&nbsp; And, this is true as well: we can figure this out.



<h2>Start with Self-Reflection</h2>



Let’s start here: What do YOU want? This is a simple question, but it's critical to sit with. For example, if you don't want him to grab your breasts anymore, that is your truth. Often when working with moms who are struggling with these dynamics, they rarely say explicitly to me, "I don't want my child to grab my breasts anymore," but I often sense this in their roundabout words or tone.&nbsp;



If you’re like most caregivers, it’s hard to permit yourself to have your own wants and to make decisions based on your wants.&nbsp; For example, it may be hard to say aloud, “I want to stop breastfeeding,” before guilt and second-guessing kick in. Or, you may think, “Yes, I do want to stop breastfeeding, but I want to do it in a way that is good for my child!” And here’s where I can help: we cannot dictate how other people respond to our wants. You can’t, and I can’t… it’s just not possible! And, here’s the best and most relieving part: we don’t have to wait for someone else’s permission to make a decision that feels important to you. Being “a good person” isn’t about controlling other people’s emotions and “making everyone happy.” You’re already a good person because you’re good inside, separate from any one moment and other people’s feelings. And also, now that you are an adult, you’re no longer as dependent on other people’s approval as you may have needed to be during your earliest, most dependent years in your family of origin.



<h2>Managing Your Guilt</h2>



If you’re like many parents, weaning will come with guilt.&nbsp; Why? If making decisions based on what YOU want for yourself is somewhat new for you, guilt is a reminder that you used to always prioritize others over yourself.&nbsp; Before you make decisions without guilt, you’ll have to go through a phase of making decisions with guilt and befriending your guilt along the way.&nbsp;&nbsp;



Say this aloud with me: “Two things are true: I can feel guilty and still decide to wean. My job is to befriend my guilt, not wish it away.” And how can you start to befriend guilt? Try words like this: “Hi, guilt that activates after I recognize my own wants and needs. I see you. You have inevitably played an important part in my life over the years. And yet, you're not as useful as you used to be! I appreciate your years of service. For now, I'm just going to ask you to take a step back. I see you and you're a part of me—not all of me."



<h2>Managing Your Child’s Protest</h2>



And what about when your child screams and cries and protests? Well, when a child is having a hard time, they need a parent's firm, consistent, sturdy boundary. Firm, consistent, and sturdy are not code for "cruel.” It's important to differentiate. We have to be clear and direct rather than equivocal or "asking for permission" from our kids. This is dysregulating for a child because they feel that we don’t believe the transition is safe—and so, of course, kids don’t feel safe when a leader feels ambivalent!



What does this mean in practice? If you want to work toward weaning and you want the grabbing of your breasts to end, say something like this outside the moment: "I'm not going to let you grab my breast anymore. It's okay that you want to. I know you're used to feeling calm that way. It will take some time, but I will teach you other ways to find calm.&nbsp; I know it'll be hard for a few days and we will get through it."



Then, in the moment, be firm. Again, firm isn’t mean. Firm is clear! Here’s an example of firm that’s not scary: “I won't let you hold my breast. I know, I know, it's such a change. I see you crying. I know this is hard. I will bend down to hug you and hold your hands behind my back as we hug to help you get used to something new. I will stop you from grabbing my breast, sweetie. I will. I love you."



<h2>Let’s Put It All Together</h2>



Now, of course, real life is not as easy as this makes it sound. It’ll likely be hard for you because it’s new to hold a boundary based on your personal needs and wants.&nbsp;



You’re not being selfish. You’re not being mean. You’re not damaging your child. You’re being sturdy. And sturdy leadership is what kids need.



Remember: Boundaries are what we tell our kids WE WILL DO and require them to do nothing. We can't "get" our kids to do or not do anything, but we can think about how we show up in those moments when our kids need us to step in.

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