Our Top 10

Good Inside: We are good inside. We are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available in the moment. See also: The Principle of Good Inside

Acknowledge, Validate, Permit (AVP): The ultimate self-regulation strategy. Acknowledge how you’re feeling (“Hi guilt!” or “I notice chest feels tight”), validate the feeling by telling yourself a story about why the feeling makes sense (“I have a lot going on right now, makes sense that I am all worked up”), and give it permission to be there (“I give myself full permission to be feeling this way right now”). AVPs are great for yourself, with your partner, friend, or kids. See also: 3 Steps to Manage Your Anxiety

Connection Capital: This is the “currency” in your relationship with your child. Every time you connect to your child and offer support instead of solutions, seem more interested in process than product, or play with them without distractions or interruptions, you build up connection capital. And every time you ask a child to cooperate or comply and follow your guidelines, you draw down on connection capital. See also: Key Strategy: Connect First, Ask Second

Deeply Feeling Kid (DFK): DFKs are kids who experience their emotions intensely and worry that their big feelings will overwhelm and push their caregivers away. When vulnerable, DFKs are conflicted about taking in the support and help they need. They so desperately want connection, but at the same moment they so intensely fear abandonment. DFKs enter into threat mode if they see any signs from caregivers that can be interpreted as confirmation that they are bad, unloveable, or too much. See also: What is a Deeply Feeling Kid?

Emotional Vaccination: Connecting with a child before a big-feeling moment to strengthen their regulation skills before they need to use them. Examples include talking to a child before going to the doctor, preparing a child for a trip, discussing worries and fears around separation, or any potentially confusing or anxiety-producing experience. See also: Managing Meltdowns: How to Reduce Tantrums, Understand Big Feelings, and Build Lifelong Emotion Regulation Skills

Family Jobs: Clarity in what a parent’s job is—and what it isn’t—helps us access the sturdy leader inside. A parent has three main jobs in a family: boundaries, validation, and empathy. A child’s job is to experience and express their feelings to learn all the coping skills they need for life. Often, these jobs work in tandem. For example, a parent might set a boundary (“Ice cream isn’t an option for breakfast”), the child experiences and expresses feelings (tears, protest, ‘You’re the worst!’). Then a parent offers validation and empathy (“You really want something yummy and sweet. I believe you. Wanting something and not getting it is so hard”). When we do our jobs, we don’t avoid tough moments—we feel more competent and confident in tough moments. See also: Family Jobs: What They Are and Why They Matter

Most Generous Interpretation (MGI): The process of asking yourself, “What is the most generous interpretation of my child’s behavior?” MGI is the strategic manifestation of The Principle of Good Inside where we remind ourselves that we are all good inside, and we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available in that moment. Practicing MGIs works our Good Inside mindset. And yes, it’s normal to have to practice this after the moment (“Hm… some tough stuff happened this morning. What is the MGI of my child’s behavior earlier today?”) before we can access an MGI in the moment. See also: Key Foundational Strategy: Most Generous Interpretation

Reparenting: The process of giving yourself what you always needed and didn’t receive as a child. See also: Reparenting Ourselves: How to Break Old Patterns

Sturdy Leader / Sturdy Pilot: Being a warm authority to your children. This includes the ability to recognize your child’s emotional experience as real and valid without being “taken over” by it. Children need sturdy leadership most in times of distress. It is often embodied by a Two Things Are True mentality where we recognize that our kids’ feelings don’t dictate our decisions and our decisions don’t dictate our kids’ feelings. In other words, we can recognize our right to set boundaries and our kids’ right to have feelings about our boundaries at the same time. See also: A Pilot Metaphor to Understand Sturdy Leadership

Two Things Are True (TTAT): This references the ability to hold two (or more!) perspectives at once, rather than seeing two perspectives as competing for a “winning” truth. In a TTAT mentality, we remind ourselves that we can make a decision (such as “TV time is over tonight”) and our kids can have feelings (a child screaming, “No! One more!” and then crying when the TV is turned off); in this situation, a parent can see a child’s experience as real (“Aw, you really wanted to watch another one, I get that! Turning off the TV is so hard”) while also holding onto their own experience as real (giving yourself permission to stick to your decision even as your child protests). See also: Two Things Are True

All the Rest: A to Z

Attachment: The emotional bond a parent and child form together. Attachment is an evolutionary mechanism, as children need to bond to their parents and stay close to them to survive. Children learn what parts of them are attachable, good, and lovable through the experience of being close and connected to a caregiver. See Also: Good Inside Right from the Start: The First Year of Parenting

Automatic Parenting Win (APW): This is when you know what your job is as a parent, so you know what to do, and you get a “win” from this regardless of your child’s behavior or reaction. For example, an APW might be holding a boundary you feel good about even if your child has a meltdown in reaction. An APW might be going up to your child and whispering, “I love you so much. Just wanted you to know that.” An APW might be saying the words, “I believe you” or “You didn’t want that to happen,” as you know that these words build internal validation and self-confidence in any situation. See also: Mantras to Remind Yourself You’re Worthy

“Bad” Behavior: Children act out of control because they feel out of control. We cannot help children change how they act until we understand how they feel. “Bad” behavior on the outside is a symptom of something very big going on, on the inside. “Acting out” is a sign that a child’s internal experience (a feeling, urge, thought, worry) overpowered their ability to manage that experience. And so, it exploded out of their body as a behavior. “Bad” behavior calls on us to set boundaries in the moment, to keep a child safe, and then, later on, wonder about what is going on for a child, what a child needs, and what skills a child needs help building. See also: Differentiating Feelings from Behaviors

Boundaries: Boundaries are what we tell ourselves or others we will do, not what we tell others they should do (or how they should feel). When it comes to parenting, boundaries are what we tell our kids we will do, and they require our kids to do nothing. This is why “Stop throwing those blocks!” isn’t a boundary while “I won’t let you throw blocks” (while getting in between your child’s body and the block container) is a boundary. When it comes to our adult relationships, boundaries are how we let others know about our needs and wants, helping us define what experience is “ours” and what is “someone else’s.” For example, telling a partner that you need help with your kids’ nighttime routine could be a form of a boundary because you are expressing your needs to others. Remember that a partner’s reaction is a sign of their feelings, not yours; you can care about these feelings, but you didn’t cause them and they’re not your responsibility to own. See also: Setting Boundaries

Circuity: Circuitry, or wiring, refers to the lessons a child learns based on the patterns of their interactions in their early years. A child’s brain development is shaped by their interactions with their caregivers—this is how they learn what parts of them are met with presence, connection, and safety, and what parts are met with distance, rejection, and threat. See also: Good Inside Right From the Start: The First Year of Parenting

Close-Your-Eyes Hack (CYE Hack): A Good Inside favorite to increase cooperation. Tell your child something like, “I’m going to close my eyes … (place your hands over your eyes) … And all I’m saying is that if, when I open them, (and then name the task you’d like your child to cooperate with)… I don’t even know what I”m going to do! I’m going to be so confused, I might just fall on the floor or do a really silly jumping dance…”. What’s happening here? Well, in the CYE Hack, you are infusing trust (by not watching your child like a hawk!), control (instead of being controlling), and levity (by being silly or promising you’ll do something ridiculous)—all elements that improve cooperation. Example: “I’m going to close my eyes …And all I’m saying is that if, when I open them, if you aren’t in this room and instead you are already in your room getting ready for bath … I don’t even know what I”m going to do! I’m going to be so confused, I might freak out and wonder where my kid went and then when I find you, oh my goodness, I might just trip and fall on the floor…” See also: Best Listening Hack: Close Your Eyes Trick

Confidence: Feeling at home with yourself and trusting your feelings. It is not “feeling good” about yourself. It also means being certain of the truth in yourself. This means being a good feeler of your feelings, even if that feeling is “I’m not sure about this.” It’s the absence of doubt and the presence of certainty about your internal life. Meaning that you can say, “I really know how I feel right now. And it’s acceptable, loveable and worthy.” See also: C onfidence from the Inside Out: How to Build Long-Lasting Self-Confidence in Kids

Cycle Breaker: Being a pivot point in intergenerational patterns and giving to your child things that were never given to you. Cycle-breaking doesn’t actually begin with our interactions with our children; cycle-breaking begins with our interactions with ourselves as we become aware of our own triggers and the parts of ourselves that are yearning for compassionate attention. This sets the stage for our being able to give our children something different. See also: What It Means to Be a Cycle-Breaker

De-Shame: The process of proactively connecting to and normalizing a child’s experience to ensure a child doesn’t feel like the “only one.” Connection is the antidote to shame. See also: How to De-shame Your House

Did I Ever Tell You About: We want to be de-shaming our house as often as possible. And because shame is a feeling that arises around the perception of disconnection and aloneness, the more often we tell stories about our own struggles, the less shame there will be in our home when our kids struggle. You might start by sharing, “Did I ever tell you about how I had such a hard time when my parents had another baby?” or “Did I ever tell you about the time I didn’t make the travel soccer team?” or “Did I ever tell you about how I didn’t love big groups when I was 5?”. Our children are looking to feel less alone, and feeling less alone is the foundation for regulation and feelings of “enoughness” feelings. See also: How to De-shame Your House

Dysregulation: When our feelings overpower our ability to cope. And it’s okay to feel this way. See also: Understanding Dysregulation, Co-Regulation, Self-Regulation

Emotional Regulation: The process of learning to sit with, acknowledge, tolerate, cope, learn about and manage (not get rid of!) our feelings. Regulation does not come from eliminating feelings. Regulation comes from tolerating feelings. See also: What is Emotion Regulation?

Feelings Bench: A metaphor for the emotional support children need. Imagine your child is wandering around a garden full of various benches. One for every feeling they have in life. For example, there is a joyful bench, a lonely bench, a jealous bench. Our job, as parents, is to find the bench our child is sitting on and sit with them. Not convince them to get off that bench and onto a “sunnier” one and not to approach their bench with a magic wand and try to change it into a more pleasant one. After all, the bench is never the cause of the distress—the sitting alone is. So sit with your child. Stay. They will get off the bench first, and then you can follow.

Growth Mindset: The belief that our abilities can be developed through effortful work rather than the belief that our abilities are fixed. Individuals endorsing a growth mindset see struggles, failures, and not-knowing as part of the pathway to success, not as the enemy of success. As a result, individuals with a growth mindset are more likely to take on challenges, tolerate frustration, and continue working through setbacks because they are more focused on the process of learning and growing than on any one outcome.

Hot Cocoa Breathing: A version of deep breathing. Imagine holding a cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows. Now, breathe in the aroma, slowly, pause… and then breathe out to cool down the hot cocoa, but you have to do it slowly, so you don’t blow off the marshmallows on top! Next, place your lips as if you have straw pursed between them. This controls the outflow of breath, so you slow down the pace, which helps your body get into rest and restore (rather than fight or flight) mode. See also: How to Do Hot Cocoa Breathing

It’s Not Too Late: This is a core Good Inside belief. Our body seeks connection, so it’s never too late to connect about topics or memories that didn’t initially go the way you wished. Yes, the brain wires early. And also, the brain is remarkably plastic and able to re-wire. Here at Good Inside, we believe in every parent’s ability to grow and in every parent-child relationship to improve. See also: It’s Never Too Late to Repair

One-on-One Special Time: Spending time with your child with no other siblings, no screens, no distractions, no interruptions. During this time, the goal is to join your child’s world. Notice what they’re doing, play alongside them, allow them to dictate what you two do, and try not to ask too many questions (or try for none at all!). Keep this form of One-on-One Special Time limited (try for 15 minutes!) and named (“Papa-Luis Time”). Think of this time as connection-capital-building on steroids. After all, when your child has your attention, they feel valuable, worthy, loved, and safe. See also: The Most Recommended Parenting Strategy

Potty Learning: The process where a child feels in charge of their body, notices their bodily cues, and achieves independence in bodily functions of peeing and pooping. Unlike Potty Training, Potty Learning focuses on trust (not control), is child-centered (not adult-centered), and relies on a child’s natural competence (instead of rewards and punishments). The Good Inside Potty Learning Process is unique in that it both leads to short-term and long-term potty success and builds life-long skills like confidence, intrinsic motivation, and circuitry for consent and self-assertion. See also: Potty Learning Workshop: A Step-by-Step Guide to Foster Success

Presence: Presence is being there and when it comes to parenting, it often refers to connecting to what is happening with your child rather than focusing on a fix or a solution. Presence might be saying, “I’m listening” or “That sounds really hard” or “Tell me more” instead of saying, “Next time do ____” or “It’s not a big deal” or “You shouldn’t have done that.” Presence might be acting as if you are a “potted plant” during your child’s tantrum. You are sitting there, breathing, focusing on your own regulation and witnessing your child’s tough moment rather than telling your child what to do or sending your child away. Presence often feels like “I’m not doing enough” even though you are doing so much. Presence is hard… for all of us. Presence is often a powerful sign of cycle-breaking. See also: Key Strategy for Tantrums: Your Presence

Repair: The process of adding connection, understanding, and compassion to a moment that lacked those elements initially. Repair may include an apology, but it is certainly not limited to an apology. Repair involves a few key steps: 1) Repairing with ourselves first; 2) Express remorse; 3) Take responsibility and remove blame; 4) Wonder about your child’s experience; 5) Share what you are working on and want to do differently next time. See also: What is Repair and Why Does It Matter?

Reparenting: The process of giving yourself what you always needed and didn’t receive as a child. See also: Reparenting Ourselves: How to Break Old Patterns

Resilience: The ability to tolerate tough feelings and cope through hard times. See also: Confidence from the Inside Out: How to Build Long-Lasting Self-Confidence in Kids

The Fill-Up Game: The process of “filling up your kids” with your love and making your connection to them more concrete through a series of hugs. The Fill-Up Game can be done proactively (“Let’s make sure you’re filled-up with Daddy before you go to school today!”) or reactively (“Something doesn’t feel great right now. I wonder if you need a Mommy-Fill-Up”). You can do this as part of a separation routine or nighttime routine or just randomly during the day. You can “play” it in any way that feels right to you. You might give a series of hugs and squeezes and say, one by one, “(Hug) Oh now Daddy is up to your ankles… (hug) oh now to your stomach….(hug) filled you up to your neck…” until your child is “full” and then maybe add, “Let’s do one more big hug. After all, it’s always good to have a little extra Daddy at the beginning of a day!” Kids who like numbers often enjoy a version of the game based in percentages.“What % Mommy are you full?… Oh no! Only 25%? Ok let’s do something about that…” See also: An All-Time Favorite Strategy: Fill Up Game

Validation: Showing acceptance of someone else’s emotions. It’s the process of seeing another person’s feelings as real, even if you don’t feel them yourself or share the framework that leads to them. Validation does not mean you agree with someone’s feelings, it means you believe someone’s feelings. Some examples of validation: “I believe you”; “You’re really feeling sad. I see that”; “I see how upset you are”; “You’re mad. I know how real that feeling is”; “You really know you feel this way.” See also: Family Jobs: What They Are and Why They Matter

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