Connection. Repair.  These may be my favorite two words for all relationships.  I often think that healthy relationships are defined not by lack of rupture but by how well we can repair.  All relationships have rough patches; these moments can be the greatest sources of deepening connection, if we allow them to be.



What do I mean? A rupture moment occurs precisely because both people are in their own experience and are unable to temporarily put theirs to the side to understand and connect to the other person. We are all hopefully working on understanding our triggers and our defenses, becoming more self-aware so that we can recognize our own experiences but not be taken over by them; having said this, we still can never avoid rupture moments in our close relationships. So we also need to get better at repair.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading">My formula for repair</h2>



I love this general formula for repair:



<ol>
<li>Share that you&#8217;ve been reflecting. &#8220;I&#8217;ve been thinking about&#8230;&#8221; communicates that you care about and value a relationship. This helps a child (or a partner, friend) feel safe with you.</li>
<li>Acknowledge the other person&#8217;s experience. A key to repair and all forms of healthy communication is seeing feelings under behavior. &#8220;You must have felt upset to have&#8230;&#8221; or &#8220;I&#8217;m sure something important was happening for you when&#8230;&#8221; are ways of connecting to someone&#8217;s below-the-surface experience.</li>
<li>Share what you wish you had done, or what you would do differently next time. Better than an apology is communicating what you wish you had done or want to do differently in the future. This shows the other person that you want to improve your connection.</li>
<li>Be curious. Now that things feel safer, you can re-open an important conversation. Inquire about your child&#8217;s experience, let him know you&#8217;re interested in hearing all about it. When he shares, say things like, &#8220;I get that&#8221; and &#8220;Ah&#8230;. I see that now, yes.</li>
</ol>



Here’s a what this could look like in practice:



&#8220;I keep thinking about earlier today, when I came into the playroom after you knocked over your sister&#8217;s tower.



I&#8217;m sure you were upset about something to have knocked it down.



I wish I had asked more about what was going on for you instead of yelling and lecturing. Can I have a redo?



Can you tell me what was happening before? It&#8217;s important. I&#8217;d love to listen and understand.&#8221;



<h2 class="wp-block-heading">Repair vs. apologizing</h2>



You might’ve noticed I don’t have an apology in my formula. I often find that apologies attempt to shut down a conversation (&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry I yelled.  OK, can we move on?&#8221;) while a good repair opens one up.



To be clear, I don&#8217;t have anything against saying &#8220;I&#8217;m sorry&#8221; and in fact, an &#8220;I&#8217;m sorry for&#8230;.&#8221; pairs nicely after your reflection or alongside sharing what you&#8217;d do differently.



But repair through these four steps is so much better than an apology. When someone reflects with you (&#8220;I&#8217;ve been thinking about&#8230;&#8221;) and wonders about you (&#8220;You must have been upset to have&#8230;&#8221;), they are mentalizing for you, which means they are considering your state of mind instead of just your surface-level behavior.



When we mentalize for our children, we help them build emotional awareness and emotion regulation.



<h2 class="wp-block-heading">Put it into practice by apologizing to your child</h2>



Try a version of this repair with your child today (maybe with yourself too if you&#8217;ve been internally critical!); you can repair a rupture that happened earlier in the day or days before.



It can be about something big, something small, something that just happened, something from days ago. If you return to your child and share your new thoughts about what happened between you two and what you wish had happened, great things happen.



Apologies tell your child: Our relationship is important to me. I spend time thinking about the things that happen between us.



Secure attachment—which is what we want—is defined in part by moments of repair. And this is great news because we all have moments of rupture. So what can differentiate you as a parent is being willing to go back to your child and shore things up.

African American mother and child sitting together outside; mother holding and kissing child’s hands

How to Repair After a Rupture

Repair

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Change The End Of The Story

It's not an argument itself that's disturbing to kids, as much as no one talking to them about the argument they just overheard.



When a child overhears an argument, they often feel worried or scared. Arguments that seem small to you (”Can you ever unload the dishwasher? For once?) can feel big to a child, as they are attuned to loud voices and angry faces and wonder about the stability of their home and environment. Now - here’s the most important part: kids don’t need you to never-argue with your spouse. After all, some heated discussions are inevitable. What a child needs is for a parent to connect with them after the argument so a child can understand what is happening.



When we give a child a story to piece things together, a child feels better because they can tell their alert system, "Now that I understand what happened and feel connected to my parents, I’m safe.”



Here’s a step-by-step guide to explaining marital arguments to your kids:



Step 1: Validate your child’s perception.



Step 2: Provide a story to make sense of things, such as, “I'm sure you heard the argument. Disagreements are normal, even though it can sound scary when voices are raised. Your dad and I are both working on talking calmly even when we're upset, just like you're working on that too.”



Step 3: Explain that your child is not to blame, “You didn’t do anything to make us argue.”



Step 4: Assert your capability as a parent by telling your child that you’re still a family even after an argument. For example: “You are safe and our family is safe. We will still have dinner together and family movie night.”



Step 5: Pause and encourage your child to voice their experience.



Step 6: Respond with, "That makes sense" or "That did feel scary to you, you really know that."



You can use the same approach to explain any big adult emotions your child witnesses, whether it’s after a fight or just after a really rough day. Try saying something like, “I know you saw me crying in the kitchen earlier today. Mommy was having big feelings about all the changes in our life. Just like you, Mommy has big feelings, and crying is something I do when I feel sad. You didn't do anything to make me cry. And here's the thing: Even when I'm sad, I'm still your Mommy who will take care of you. I will still give you a bath and read you books.”



And what, next? Well, we have to dedicate ourselves to reducing the intensity and frequency of marital arguments in our home. This is for our sake, our partner’s sake, our relationship’s sake… and our kids’ sake.



So often, kids “take on” the problems of their home. They hold the tension and shaky foundation and then they end up expressing this in increased tantrums, low frustration tolerance, high anxiety, and lots of other ways. Your partnership is the foundation of your family system—when you work to make that foundation sturdier, the entire system benefits. Put simply: Our kids’ behavior improves when our partnership improves.



<a href="https://www.goodinside.com/video/2571/how-to-manage-guilt/">Up Next: How to Handle Guilt</a>

When Your Child Overhears an Argument

Why do any of us, kids and adults, struggle with apologizing?&nbsp;



No, your child is not cold-hearted or destined to be a sociopath. Instead, the struggle to apologize comes from a physiological reaction in our bodies. At its core, refusing to apologize is a sign of shame and defensiveness.&nbsp;



When a person feels their character is under attack, they have to use all of their energy to defend their “goodness.” And so they freeze. They’re unable to “face” the reality of what they just did because they are so overwhelmed and threatened by their "I'm a bad person" feelings.



<h2>Understanding shame</h2>



I understand shame this way: Shame is the feeling that "this part of me is not connectable. No one wants to know or be with this part." So what looks like stubbornness on the outside is really the activation of this core fear on the inside: "The part of me that just did that 'bad thing' ... that part of me is BAD. I am all alone in this world.”&nbsp;



And so, our body has to protect our goodness before anything else, which is when your body enters into an animal-like defensive state to protect itself.



<h2>What shame looks like in our kids</h2>



Shame activates a ‘freeze response,’ which is why our children look wide-eyed and non-responsive to our imploring them to say they’re sorry. When this happens, the part of their brain that processes language and logic is offline because feeling unloveable and unattachable locks them into a state of terror.&nbsp;



Essentially, what looks like “refusing to apologize” is really shame-based fear.



<h2>How can we help them unlock an apology?</h2>



Play the long game. It’s okay if your child doesn’t apologize in that moment. Remember that the most important life lessons cannot be taught by lecture. Instead, they are learned&nbsp; through experiences in safe, close relationships over time.&nbsp;



After all, the core issue here isn’t really the lack of apology, it's that the child doesn’t have the emotion regulation skills to manage the feelings inside that are getting in the way of sharing an apology.



So take a deep breath. You are a good parent with a good kid who is struggling to apologize.&nbsp; We’ve all been there — including me.

Why Is It So Hard To Apologize?

Connection. Repair.  These may be my favorite two words for all relationships.  I often think that healthy relationships are defined not by lack of rupture but by how well we can repair.  All relationships have rough patches; these moments can be the greatest sources of deepening connection, if we allow them to be.



What do I mean? A rupture moment occurs precisely because both people are in their own experience and are unable to temporarily put theirs to the side to understand and connect to the other person. We are all hopefully working on understanding our triggers and our defenses, becoming more self-aware so that we can recognize our own experiences but not be taken over by them; having said this, we still can never avoid rupture moments in our close relationships. So we also need to get better at repair.



<h2>My formula for repair</h2>



I love this general formula for repair:



<ol>
<li>Share that you've been reflecting. "I've been thinking about..." communicates that you care about and value a relationship. This helps a child (or a partner, friend) feel safe with you.</li>
<li>Acknowledge the other person's experience. A key to repair and all forms of healthy communication is seeing feelings under behavior. "You must have felt upset to have..." or "I'm sure something important was happening for you when..." are ways of connecting to someone's below-the-surface experience.</li>
<li>Share what you wish you had done, or what you would do differently next time. Better than an apology is communicating what you wish you had done or want to do differently in the future. This shows the other person that you want to improve your connection.</li>
<li>Be curious. Now that things feel safer, you can re-open an important conversation. Inquire about your child's experience, let him know you're interested in hearing all about it. When he shares, say things like, "I get that" and "Ah.... I see that now, yes.</li>
</ol>



Here’s a what this could look like in practice:



"I keep thinking about earlier today, when I came into the playroom after you knocked over your sister's tower.



I'm sure you were upset about something to have knocked it down.



I wish I had asked more about what was going on for you instead of yelling and lecturing. Can I have a redo?



Can you tell me what was happening before? It's important. I'd love to listen and understand."



<h2>Repair vs. apologizing</h2>



You might’ve noticed I don’t have an apology in my formula. I often find that apologies attempt to shut down a conversation ("I'm sorry I yelled.  OK, can we move on?") while a good repair opens one up.



To be clear, I don't have anything against saying "I'm sorry" and in fact, an "I'm sorry for...." pairs nicely after your reflection or alongside sharing what you'd do differently.



But repair through these four steps is so much better than an apology. When someone reflects with you ("I've been thinking about...") and wonders about you ("You must have been upset to have..."), they are mentalizing for you, which means they are considering your state of mind instead of just your surface-level behavior.



When we mentalize for our children, we help them build emotional awareness and emotion regulation.



<h2>Put it into practice by apologizing to your child</h2>



Try a version of this repair with your child today (maybe with yourself too if you've been internally critical!); you can repair a rupture that happened earlier in the day or days before.



It can be about something big, something small, something that just happened, something from days ago. If you return to your child and share your new thoughts about what happened between you two and what you wish had happened, great things happen.



Apologies tell your child: Our relationship is important to me. I spend time thinking about the things that happen between us.



Secure attachment—which is what we want—is defined in part by moments of repair. And this is great news because we all have moments of rupture. So what can differentiate you as a parent is being willing to go back to your child and shore things up.

Scripts for After You've Yelled At Your Child

Mantras to Manage Parental Guilt

I know something about Good Inside members: we are all trying to do the best for our kids. Here's something else I know: we also ALL have challenging moments when we lose it on our kids. It’s a “two things are true” moment if there ever was one!



If this has happened to you, the only thing it means is that you’re human. You're part of a club that includes every single parent I know, including me. Welcome. Stay. Let's learn together what we can do next.



First up, we need to repair with ourselves. That’s right: before we can repair with our children, we need to connect with ourselves. Why? A child "hears" your non-verbal messages before he can process your language. After you’ve yelled at your child, your brain is likely spinning, your heart is hurting, and you are anything but centered.&nbsp;An internal repair allows you time to soften then move forward with your child from that same loving energy.



If a “self-repair” is new for you, I’ve got you covered. Let’s walk through it, step-by-step:



1. Place your feet on the floor and your hand on your heart. Pause. This position is grounding—it’s a perfect antidote to the way your mind is likely spinning out of control. It brings you back to the moment and yourself.



2. Take five deep breaths—deep into your belly and then slowly out. You're not trying to achieve anything here; you’re just bringing your attention back to this moment. Notice any self-blame and greet it (“Hi self-blame voice! Yes, you do tend to pile on to my most challenging moments. I could have predicted you would pop up. Hello!”).



3. Tell yourself these words: “I'm here. I'm a good parent who had a hard time. I'm a good person. Nothing about me has changed.” Repeat a few times until you feel a bit more grounded and until something in your body has released a bit.



Now, and only now, find your child and repair with them. The critical elements of this repair are an apology, telling a story to help your child understand what happened, explicitly stating that your behavior isn't caused by or the fault of your child, sharing your dedication to change and asserting your child's goodness and your love. It might sound something like this:



“I was having my own big feelings and they came out as a very loud voice. I'm sure that felt scary to you. It’s never your fault when I yell. I’m working on managing my big feelings so that I can find my calmer voice at those times. You’re a good kid, and I love you so much.”



The big takeaway: good parents don't “never-yell.” Good parents reconnect after tough moments. First with themselves and then with their child.

I Just Yelled at My Kid, Now What?

Reparenting

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