Over and over, we tell ourselves, “I’m going to be calm when my kid has a tantrum” or “It’s okay if my child doesn’t want to join soccer right away, I’ll stay calm,” and yet we find ourselves once again reacting, yelling, saying things we don’t want to say.



Triggers aren’t our enemies. Instead, triggers tell us stories from our past. The part of your child that triggers you shows you the part of yourself that was most shut down in your childhood.&nbsp;



There’s a lot packed into those few short sentences. So let’s all pause, breathe, and reread them.



And you know what else is true about triggers? Triggers are inconvenient. They really are! They can lead to moments of reactivity, guilt, and shame. So what can we do when our kids trigger us? Read on.



<h2>1. Pause</h2>



Make it a goal to take deep breaths when you’re triggered. Remind yourself, “My goal isn’t to be ‘not’ triggered. It’s to pause and breathe when I feel triggered.”



Were you unable to pause at that moment? Did your reactivity overwhelm your body and come out in a loud voice or a snappy comment? Here’s the one thing that means: you’re human. You’re part of a club that includes every single parent I know, including me. Welcome. Stay. Let’s connect and hang out and grow together.



<h2>2. Repair with yourself</h2>



One of my favorite mantras: “I am still good on the inside even when I struggle on the outside.” Showing yourself compassion doesn’t ‘let you off the hook.’ And this is true as well: self-blame and critical self-talk has never led to anything productive. So, repair with yourself and find that goodness inside after your not-so-good behavior. Yes, that goodness is still there. I know it, by the very fact that you’re reading this. And also, there’s this: we cannot repair with our child before we have repaired with ourselves.



<h2>3. Repair with your child</h2>



Use these words with your older child: “I was very reactive with you earlier. I’m sure that felt bad to you. So I’m working on staying more grounded so I can make&nbsp; better decisions in those moments.”



Try out these words with younger kids: “I’m sorry. I’m sure that felt scary. I’m working on staying calm when I have big feelings. I love you.”



Remember, your child won’t be “scarred” from difficult moments if they don’t feel alone with their overwhelming feelings. By grounding yourself and then apologizing (non-defensively! No, “But you made me react that way.”), you’re ensuring that your child has safety in your connection.



<h2>4. Activate curiosity</h2>



Hours or even days later, journal using this prompt “My body is never trying to work against me. My reactivity with my child today shows me something I must have learned to shut down in myself when I was a child. What did I see in my child that brought up such an intense reaction inside of me?” There are no correct answers to this question, and certainly we can’t expect some singular moment of clarity. Think. Write. It’s okay if things “don’t make sense.” Trust yourself.

Women sitting visibly upset with head in hands, children jumping on couch in background

When Your Child Triggers You

Reparenting

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This outline is designed to guide you through the <a href="https://www.goodinside.com/workshop/4247/mom-rage-how-to-stay-calm-amidst-the-chaos/view/">Mom Rage Workshop</a>. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas. 

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Mom Rage Workshop Outline

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This workbook is designed to guide you through the&nbsp;<a href="https://www.goodinside.com/workshop/1276/reparenting-ourselves/view/">Reparenting Ourselves Workshop</a>&nbsp;– think of it as going through the workshop with me, Dr. Becky, right alongside you.



We know learning really happens through active engagement and experience, not by lecture alone. Use the note-taking areas to jot down thoughts, scripts, key frameworks, ideas, and to put things into your own words. We hope your margins will be full of doodles, big ideas, and aha-moments. The Good Inside principles are inside you already. Let’s do this.



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This outline is designed to guide you through the Common Triggers Workshop. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas.  



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Common Triggers Outline

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<h2>Let’s set the scene:&nbsp;</h2>



<ul><li>Your mother-in-law buys your child a gift you specifically asked her not to purchase.&nbsp;</li><li>Your great aunt walks into your home and the first thing she says is, “Oh, didn’t have time to clean up, huh?”</li><li>You’re having dinner with your kids and parents, and your dad comments, “You really need to get these kids on a healthier diet. I can’t believe what you serve them.”</li></ul>



Okay, deep breaths. All of us. Together. We want to look at our triggers because that’s how we can learn their stories and how we can find our groundedness. So stay with me. We’ve got this.



Take one of those bullets that resonates with you and let’s go through an exercise:



Step 1: What does it seem like the underlying message is that’s being communicated to you? For example, on the surface, you see an adult who buys a gift, comments that your home is messy, or criticizes your family’s food choices. But let’s take it a step further. These moments trigger us because we take something on the surface and infer some more significant characteristic attack.



Does it feel like this adult is saying to you, “I know what’s better for your kids than you do,” or “You’re not a good mom,” or “I don’t respect you,” or something else?&nbsp;



Step 2: We often wish the extended family member would “take it back” and would tell us the opposite message (“I didn’t buy that gift because you asked me not to!” or “It’s so hard to be a parent, huh? Glad you spent time doing what you wanted to do instead of cleaning up,” or “Thanks for dinner!”). But let’s do something different. Let’s think about how we can send ourselves a message of validation instead of looking for it from someone else. So, right now, take a deep breath and tell yourself the words you need to hear. Maybe it’s “I’m a good mom,” or “I deserve respect from others,'' or “I don’t have to run my family home the same way my parents ran theirs.”&nbsp;



Pause. Notice how your body softens.&nbsp;



The more we ground ourselves in what we know to be true about ourselves… the less other people trigger us.



<a href="https://www.goodinside.com/script/3599/how-to-use-two-things-are-true-to-hold-a-boundary-with-other-adults/">Up Next: How to Use “Two Things Are True” to Hold a Boundary With Other Adults</a>

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What does modern motherhood look like for you? For me, it looks like making doctor’s appointments in the school pick-up line. It looks like taking a work call at soccer practice. It looks like recording Instagram reels in my pantry, while simultaneously searching for something (anything!) to make for dinner. It looks like a constant juggling act…because it is a constant juggling act.&nbsp;



Modern moms are balancing the needs of our kids, partners, parents, friends, homes, colleagues, and ourselves. We’re surviving within systems that, frankly, aren’t set up to support caretakers. We’re breaking cycles and trying to raise our kids differently than we were raised. We’re doing so much.&nbsp;



There’s a narrative that “good” motherhood is all about what other people see us do. How much we sacrifice. It constantly makes us feel like we have to keep up to stay good, like we’re one struggle or decision away from being the “bad mother.” Well, I’m calling B.S.



Let’s tell a new story about what it means to be a good mom.



It’s not about whether you breastfed or bottle fed. It’s not about whether you’re a full-time parent, full-time in the office, or some combination of both. It’s not about whether your child wears an outfit that matches or if they go to school with a perfectly balanced packed lunch each day.



In fact, it’s separate from your behavior entirely. It’s inside of you. And after two years of witnessing this incredible movement expand around the world, here’s what I know about this community of parents:&nbsp;



We are curious.



We are vulnerable.



We are capable.



We are strong.



We are leaders.



We are good inside.



How do I know this? You’re here right now.&nbsp;



I see you, I honor you, I am right there with you.



We have the power to change the narrative about what it means to be a good mom. How? Not only with our interactions with ourselves but through our interactions with other moms. The “perfect mom” persona has gotten us nowhere. Together, we can flip the script and normalize the reality of motherhood.



So, here’s the challenge: Join me in sharing your messy house or your drive-through dinner. Share your guilt during alone time or what you miss about life before children. Share your choice to bottle feed or give kids extra screen time. Share the kind of moments you wish you saw from other parents, the kind where you wonder, “Am I alone in this?” because… I promise you, you’re not. Share it with a fellow mom at pick-up, your sister-in-law at dinner, on your social media feed.&nbsp;



Let’s come together and redefine motherhood, on our own terms this time.&nbsp;



Have a question? Want to share a thought? Talk about it in the <a href="https://community.goodinside.com/c/self-care/">#SelfCareRoom</a>

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This outline is designed to guide you through the <a href="https://cms.goodinside.com/workshop/1792/parental-boundaries/view/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Setting Boundaries Workshop</a>. We hope this helps you organize your thoughts and remember key ideas. 



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Is there anything that feels as awful as "Bad Parent" thoughts? They often sound like this, inside our heads: "I am the worst mom" or "I am messing up my kids forever. I am. I just know it."



To change, we have to find our good-enough-ness. It's not a nice-to-have. It's a necessity. Because we cannot be a good enough parent until we feel like a good enough person.



And here’s the kicker: You are a good enough person. Already. You always have been.



You were born good enough. You were once a child with big feelings, big struggles, and big wants—and who likely never got the type of support you needed to separate out your struggles on the surface from your good-enough-ness inside. Let's change that, starting now.



If today you doubt your good-enough-ness and have lots of bad-parent thoughts, this tells me only one thing: You learned to pair your struggles with self-blame and self-criticism and not self-compassion.



This means that growing up your struggles were likely met with blame and criticism, not curiosity and connection.



Blame and criticism look like this:



<ul>
<li>
"Why did you do that!"
</li>
<li>
"You're so selfish!"
</li>
<li>
"You're a liar!"
</li>
<li>
"Go to your room!"
</li>
</ul>



Curiosity and connection look like this:



<ul>
<li>
"Yes, I am disappointed. And also, I am curious about what's going on for you that this would have happened. That second part is the most important. Let's figure it out.”
</li>
<li>
"Change is hard. Mistakes are how we learn, and you and I together, we will get there. I'm in it with you, sweetie. I love you."
</li>
</ul>



Place a hand on your heart. Breathe. Tell yourself: "I have learned to approach my desire to change with self-blame. This was never my own voice, not originally. I have taken in this association—that I am to blame for my struggles. I will note that when it comes up, then breathe a few times."



To self-reflect and change, we have to be able to hold onto this idea: I want to do things differently, which means I no longer want to do things as I've been doing. That doesn't make me a bad parent—now or before. Instead, reflecting and changing means I am willing to think and grow. I am brave. I am bold. I am willing to look at myself and try new things.



Have a question? Want to share a thought? Talk about it in the <a href="https://community.goodinside.com/c/self-care/">#SelfCareRoom</a>

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I know something about Good Inside members: we are all trying to do the best for our kids. Here's something else I know: we also ALL have challenging moments when we lose it on our kids. It’s a “two things are true” moment if there ever was one!



If this has happened to you, the only thing it means is that you’re human. You're part of a club that includes every single parent I know, including me. Welcome. Stay. Let's learn together what we can do next.



First up, we need to repair with ourselves. That’s right: before we can repair with our children, we need to connect with ourselves. Why? A child "hears" your non-verbal messages before he can process your language. After you’ve yelled at your child, your brain is likely spinning, your heart is hurting, and you are anything but centered.&nbsp;An internal repair allows you time to soften then move forward with your child from that same loving energy.



If a “self-repair” is new for you, I’ve got you covered. Let’s walk through it, step-by-step:



1. Place your feet on the floor and your hand on your heart. Pause. This position is grounding—it’s a perfect antidote to the way your mind is likely spinning out of control. It brings you back to the moment and yourself.



2. Take five deep breaths—deep into your belly and then slowly out. You're not trying to achieve anything here; you’re just bringing your attention back to this moment. Notice any self-blame and greet it (“Hi self-blame voice! Yes, you do tend to pile on to my most challenging moments. I could have predicted you would pop up. Hello!”).



3. Tell yourself these words: “I'm here. I'm a good parent who had a hard time. I'm a good person. Nothing about me has changed.” Repeat a few times until you feel a bit more grounded and until something in your body has released a bit.



Now, and only now, find your child and repair with them. The critical elements of this repair are an apology, telling a story to help your child understand what happened, explicitly stating that your behavior isn't caused by or the fault of your child, sharing your dedication to change and asserting your child's goodness and your love. It might sound something like this:



“I was having my own big feelings and they came out as a very loud voice. I'm sure that felt scary to you. It’s never your fault when I yell. I’m working on managing my big feelings so that I can find my calmer voice at those times. You’re a good kid, and I love you so much.”



The big takeaway: good parents don't “never-yell.” Good parents reconnect after tough moments. First with themselves and then with their child.

I Just Yelled at My Kid, Now What?

Repair

Think about the part of your child that really gets under your skin, that makes you react, that makes you lose your cool. Is it that your child won't take no for an answer? That your child has big meltdowns, without caring about the convenience of their emotions or their impact on others? That your child isn't on a schedule, waits until the last minute to get things done?



Now take a deep breath. Let's do a little experiment.



First say to yourself, "No No No. My child cannot be this way. My child has to learn what is appropriate!"



Notice the feelings in your chest, shoulders, stomach; notice your thoughts about your child and yourself.



Reset by taking a few breaths.



Now say this to yourself, "Yes Yes Yes. My child is teaching me about myself. The thing in my child that gets under my skin is showing me what part of myself I am least in touch with."



Continue: "Likely, this is a part of me that my own parents didn't allow; I developed a shut-this-part-down circuit to adapt to my family and now this circuit activates when I see the quality in my child."



And here's the kicker. Ask yourself, "What would happen if, instead of seeking to close the gap between me and my child by shutting down this trait in her... I sought to close the gap by growing this trait in myself?"



Continue: "What would it be like if I asserted myself more strongly? Might I benefit from expressing a wider range of my emotions? Might I need to prioritize "being" and not only "doing"? What if my child is .... my guide? What if I became more like her in this way instead of her becoming more like me?"



Now pause. Notice the feelings in your chest, shoulders, stomach; notice your thoughts about your child and yourself.



We never learn as much about ourselves as when we're willing to wonder, "What does my annoyance with this person tell me about myself? What trait am I seeing in someone else that my own body might be craving for myself?"

The Truth Behind Triggers

Over and over, we tell ourselves, “I’m going to be calm when my kid has a tantrum” or “It’s okay if my child doesn’t want to join soccer right away, I’ll stay calm,” and yet we find ourselves once again reacting, yelling, saying things we don’t want to say.



Triggers aren’t our enemies. Instead, triggers tell us stories from our past. The part of your child that triggers you shows you the part of yourself that was most shut down in your childhood.&nbsp;



There’s a lot packed into those few short sentences. So let’s all pause, breathe, and reread them.



And you know what else is true about triggers? Triggers are inconvenient. They really are! They can lead to moments of reactivity, guilt, and shame. So what can we do when our kids trigger us? Read on.



<h2>1. Pause</h2>



Make it a goal to take deep breaths when you’re triggered. Remind yourself, “My goal isn’t to be ‘not’ triggered. It’s to pause and breathe when I feel triggered.”



Were you unable to pause at that moment? Did your reactivity overwhelm your body and come out in a loud voice or a snappy comment? Here’s the one thing that means: you’re human. You’re part of a club that includes every single parent I know, including me. Welcome. Stay. Let’s connect and hang out and grow together.



<h2>2. Repair with yourself</h2>



One of my favorite mantras: “I am still good on the inside even when I struggle on the outside.” Showing yourself compassion doesn’t ‘let you off the hook.’ And this is true as well: self-blame and critical self-talk has never led to anything productive. So, repair with yourself and find that goodness inside after your not-so-good behavior. Yes, that goodness is still there. I know it, by the very fact that you’re reading this. And also, there’s this: we cannot repair with our child before we have repaired with ourselves.



<h2>3. Repair with your child</h2>



Use these words with your older child: “I was very reactive with you earlier. I’m sure that felt bad to you. So I’m working on staying more grounded so I can make&nbsp; better decisions in those moments.”



Try out these words with younger kids: “I’m sorry. I’m sure that felt scary. I’m working on staying calm when I have big feelings. I love you.”



Remember, your child won’t be “scarred” from difficult moments if they don’t feel alone with their overwhelming feelings. By grounding yourself and then apologizing (non-defensively! No, “But you made me react that way.”), you’re ensuring that your child has safety in your connection.



<h2>4. Activate curiosity</h2>



Hours or even days later, journal using this prompt “My body is never trying to work against me. My reactivity with my child today shows me something I must have learned to shut down in myself when I was a child. What did I see in my child that brought up such an intense reaction inside of me?” There are no correct answers to this question, and certainly we can’t expect some singular moment of clarity. Think. Write. It’s okay if things “don’t make sense.” Trust yourself.

When parenting feels hard and we struggle with our kids, we dissect their behaviors with questions: What is wrong with my kid? Why won’t they stop doing these annoying things?&nbsp;



And yet, if we really want to help our kids, we often have to first change our gaze—turning it inward and onto ourselves—not for the purpose of self-blame, but for the purpose of self-reflection.&nbsp;We can start by asking ourselves the question: What does this situation with my child bring up for me?



Asking this question helps you develop more clarity and feel like a sturdier, more confident leader in your home. Why? Because you learn so much about your own circuitry, your own reactivity, and your own way of labeling your kids’ behavior.



Does this mean that your kids’ behavior is your fault? NO! Not at all. Does this mean change with our kids starts with some amount of reflection on ourselves? YES. Absolutely.



What gets in the way of us intervening with our kids when they are tantruming, lying, being aggressive with a sibling, or struggling with math or reading is almost always the emotions it evokes in us. We shut down the feelings in our kids that we have trouble tolerating in ourselves.



So, the key to moving through these situations is slowing down and asking ourselves some tough questions. Here are some examples of how this works:



<h2>My child is having a lot of tantrums.</h2>



<ul><li>What does this bring up for me? What goes on for me when my child is having a big tantrum?</li><li>Was I taught that emotional displays were okay? What is my own tolerance for messy emotions?</li></ul>



<h2>My child is fighting a lot with a sibling.</h2>



<ul><li>What are my ideas about siblinghood? What do I hope for my kids? What were my own sibling relationships like?</li><li>What are my assumptions about how siblings should feel about each other?&nbsp;</li></ul>



Am I okay tolerating a range of emotions my daughter might have toward her brother, or do I notice a desire for my daughter to have only positive emotions toward him?



<h2>My child is struggling in math or reading.</h2>



<ul><li>What is it like for me to have a kid who isn’t one of the early readers?</li><li>What was my academic history like?</li><li>Did my family of origin value top performance?</li></ul>



Big takeaway: Self-reflection is the key to feeling more at home in ourselves and also to showing up as the parent we want to be. Talk about bang for your buck!



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Why do so many of us feel so guilty about spending time away from our kids? Where did we learn that being a "good parent"—and often being a "good mother" —means always putting yourself second? And how can we change the narrative so that parenthood includes self-care?



Ok, first things first: kids need sturdy leaders. And sturdy leaders are not selfless! Sturdy leaders care for others and care for themselves. In fact, there's no way a leader could be sturdy and strong if they are constantly running themselves into the ground. Remind yourself that your child needs your sturdy self, not your depleted self.



Second, reflect on the models of parenthood you had around you. Did the moms around you take care of themselves or did they define their love by how much they did for others? What about the fathers? We can't change the experiences we've had or the societal narratives we've absorbed, but we can start to question them and ask ourselves if we want to continue to perpetuate them or take a stance toward change. I remind myself all the time, "I do not need to continue intergenerational patterns that don't work for me."



Third, let's find our "two things are true" around self-care. If you feel guilty about time away from your kids, it's likely because that decision "makes you feel" like you're a bad parent; in other words, it's as if your decision about how you spend some of your time defines who you are on the inside. Let's resist this tendency and remind ourselves that two things can be true. For example, "Two things are true: I love my kids and I enjoy the time I spend away from them" or "Two things are true: I am a good parent and I like doing things for myself." When we can hold our "good parenting" side-by-side with self-care for ourselves, we start to change the narrative and make space for ourselves.



Last, let's find some anger. Yes, that's right - anger! Anger helps us access what we want for ourselves, and being in touch with our wants builds our self-worth. Recognize that narrative of motherhood as martyrdom and then find your anger to resist it. I love to find my strength by saying things to myself like, "I do NOT buy into that idea of motherhood!" or "That is B.S. Nope. No way. Not doing that" or "That story stops with ME!"



<a href="https://www.goodinside.com/article/3365/redefining-motherhood-on-your-own-terms/">Up Next: Redefining Motherhood on Your Own Terms</a>

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I received this question the other day: "I sometimes need alone time to become level headed again. How can I tell my child that I'm not withdrawing and just need a few moments to calm down?"



How do we honor our own emotional needs while not making our child feel guilty or responsible for taking care of them? I encourage parents to choose a connected, calm time with your child to explain your emotional needs while also explicitly telling your child that he has done nothing wrong and that your emotions are, in fact, your own.&nbsp;



You could say: 



<ul><li>"Just like we talk about your big feelings... Mommy has big feelings too. All people do, even adults! I'm working on noticing my big feelings and calming my body. </li><li>So if I tell you, 'I need a moment'... I'm not mad, I'm not leaving you, and you're not doing anything wrong. </li><li>My feelings are mine, and it's my job to take care of them. I'm still your strong Mommy who loves you so much."</li></ul>



Often, as parents, we think: “But my emotions are a reaction to my child's bad behavior. My child needs to understand that he caused this in me."



I believe something different: Our children do not cause our reactions. Yes, a child can do something that elicits some of our feelings, but it's not our emotions that cause reactions—it's our emotion regulation pathways. Through our interactions with our kids, we come into contact with how we've learned to regulate frustration, hurt, worry, and anger. These pathways were in place long before we had children. These pathways are no one's fault.



Let's shift from fault to curiosity so we can take responsibility for change—from a place of empowerment, not blame. Our children, if we allow them, teach us so much about what we need to know about ourselves; in fact, I often think that parenting gives us information about what our own childhood must have been like.



The situations with our kids where we have the most trouble staying regulated often are connected with the types of situations our own parents left us alone with, through ignoring, shame, or punishment. The emotional experiences that could not be held within our own families of origin become the same ones that we react to in our kids—until we reflect and work to shift this pattern.

When You Need a Break From Parenting

Curiosity may be the single most important trait for our self-care. When we are curious, we are more invested in growth than in being right, we are more open than shut down, and we become more able to reflect instead of react.



Here's a (maybe obvious) secret: If you are hard on yourself, this is a sign that in your earliest years, your hard moments were met with judgment over curiosity. We treat ourselves the way we were treated - at least until we become aware of this pattern, determine to treat ourselves better, and set on the challenging and rewarding path of changing our internal circuitry.



Curiosity shows self-respect as it assumes that there is something important under your behavior. It allows us to think in this way: "I don't like the thing I just did.&nbsp; At the same time, I must have had some reason to have done it, as my body wouldn't be invested in doing things just to make me feel bad about myself. I wonder what was happening for me at the time? I wasn't able to reflect and pause, which tells me that I confronted some internal experience that's hard to regulate. Hm... let me think more about this..."



Then ask yourself some specific questions, based on the scenario. This might sound like the following: "So it was 5pm and I was definitely tired and my kid complained about the dinner I was making. And then it was like 0 to 60, I screamed. Ok. That happened. Hm... something about his complaint set me off.&nbsp; What's my most generous interpretation of what was happening for me? How did I feel going into that moment? Something made me feel vulnerable or hurt... hm, let me wonder more about that. How would my parents have reacted if I complained about dinner or spoke up in that way? Was that tolerated in my house? Huh, interesting... so much to learn..."



Remind yourself of this: "There are reasons I feel and act the way I do. And none of those reasons are that anything is wrong with me." Approaching those reasons with curiosity, rather than self-judgment, is the first step to taking care of yourself.&nbsp;



<h2>How to be more curious</h2>



<ol><li>Notice your judgments. Recognize your judgments with compassion: "Hi judgmental thought.&nbsp; I see you.&nbsp; You're just one way to think about things.&nbsp; I'm going to keep noticing you." </li><li>Act like a scientist. For a scientist, all data is good and can lead to important revelations. Wonder about yourself and the things you do, from a "Hm, there's something interesting here" (not a "what is wrong with me") mindset. </li><li>Ask yourself questions. Here are a few: I wonder why I did that? I wonder what was going on for me at that time? If I assume that I was doing the best I could... what overwhelmed my ability to stay calm? If I could go back to right before that moment and whisper something kind and helpful to myself, what would I have said? </li><li>Assume goodness. If you're hard on yourself, you likely had a parent who lead with criticism, not generosity. Start a new circuit that assumes internal goodness. Tell yourself, "Understanding myself from a place of compassion is not the same thing as condoning behavior; in fact, reminding myself of my goodness - as separate from my behavior—is key to changing my behavior."</li></ol>



Experiment today with curiosity. Once you practice, you will naturally approach your child (and partner, friends, etc) with a similar mentality. Our ability to be more curious than judgmental changes everything in our relationships.

Why Curiosity Is Critical

Here's a list of things I don't want my children to say about me when they're older:&nbsp;



<ul><li>"My mom... oh she did everything for me.”</li><li>"My mom always put me first."&nbsp;&nbsp;</li><li>"My mom never took care of herself, she was too busy caring for us."</li></ul>



Here's what I'd rather them say:&nbsp;



<ul><li>"My mom... she knew when she needed things for herself and balanced that with my own needs."&nbsp;</li><li>"My mom was such an awesome model for self-care. She taught me the importance of taking care of myself and how you can do that while still being connected to someone else."</li></ul>



Selfless parenting doesn't help anyone—it doesn't help ourselves, as we become depleted and resentful, and it doesn't help our kids, who notice that depletion and resentment. Kids may protest in the face of their parents' self-care ("What? You're going out without me? Can't I come?") but also feel a type of comfort in this boundary, sensing the sturdiness and self-assurance of their leaders.



<h2>Why is self-care uncomfortable?&nbsp;</h2>



How we take care of our wants and needs today is based on how our wants and needs were taken care of in our earliest years. Were your wants and needs (which often came out as tears and screams and anger) seen as real and valid? Or were they seen as "too much" and disruptive?



If self-care today is hard for you, it's pretty safe to assume this: "In my earlier years, it must have been adaptive to learn that my wants and needs were dangerous to relationships; I became vigilant about the needs of others and over time lost touch with my own."



Here’s an experiment to see how comfortable you are prioritizing your own needs.&nbsp;



Say the following five sentences aloud, preferably in front of a mirror. Say one at a time and then pause to see how your body responds. Does your body want to accept or reject what you just said? What type of feeling do you have? Any memories or images come to mind? The only goal is to learn about yourself—one reaction isn’t better than another. All data is good data.



<ol><li>I am allowed to want things for myself even if they inconvenience others. </li><li>I am allowed to make choices for my family that are based on what I desire. </li><li>My wants and needs are real and valid. </li><li>I love the fact that I want things for myself - this lets me know I am present and alive. </li><li>Allowing my wants to dictate what I do - at least some of the time - is critical for my well-being.</li></ol>



Now pause again. Breathe. Tell yourself, "What an interesting experiment, how awesome that I am willing to see what information my body gives me." Ask yourself if you learned anything new, if anything surprised you. Try to ask yourself more questions than draw conclusions.



<h2>Start with self-compassion</h2>



If self-care is hard for you, start with self-compassion. Remind yourself, "No baby was born being more attuned to other people's needs than her own. Over the course of my earlier years, it must have been adaptive to be so vigilant about the needs of others, and this vigilance overpowered my attunement to my own needs." We need to give our patterns some respect and validation before we take on the bold challenge of trying something new.



Then we can shift a bit to, "I am working on a new pattern. When I try something new, my body will feel uncomfortable; this discomfort is a sign that I’m carving out a new circuit, one that wasn't so practiced or familiar in my earliest years. My discomfort is proof that I am making a change."



Say “no” today. To say “no,” we must be willing to prioritize our own needs over the needs someone else seems to have of us. First say it, right now, aloud. Say:



<ul><li>"Ah... no, that doesn’t work for me."&nbsp;</li><li>"No, I can't."&nbsp;&nbsp;</li><li>"I appreciate your asking me. No, I'm not free."&nbsp;</li></ul>



If this is hard for you, ask yourself, "When did I learn that that self-care is selfish? Who taught me that?"&nbsp;



Notice your discomfort in putting up a boundary for yourself. Then give yourself credit for trying something new: "My body feels uncomfortable when I say no. That discomfort makes sense, as I am trying something unfamiliar. I am bold and brave to be trying something new."



<a href="https://www.goodinside.com/video/1361/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need/">Up Next: How To Ask For What You Need</a>

Why Self-Care Is So Important for Parents

We cannot give others what we have not learned to provide for ourselves. That’s why giving yourself what you needed and never received as a child—a concept called reparenting—is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and your relationships.&nbsp;



<h2>What is reparenting?</h2>



Reparenting is a practice based on the idea that we didn’t get everything we needed when we were kids. As an adult, you can start to reflect on your childhood and give yourself what you missed—such as validation or trust—so you can get more out of your adult life.&nbsp;



When reparenting yourself, you will reflect on why you behave the way you do, revisit childhood experiences to actually “rewire” memories, and acknowledge your inner child’s stories while building new adult narratives.



Reparenting yourself doesn’t mean your parents were horrible; it simply means that certain traits that helped you survive as a kid are now tricky for you as an adult.&nbsp;



<h2>Why is reparenting important?&nbsp;</h2>



As kids, our bodies are learning what to expect and how to get their needs met. We observe our family systems and absorb what helps us stay in relationship with their parental figures, because our survival—physical and emotional—depends on them. We grow certain parts of ourselves that bring us closer to people, and shrink parts of ourselves that lead to aloneness.



Parents play a huge role in this learning process, as children use their relationship with their parents as a foundation for future relationships—including their relationship with themselves.&nbsp;



Without a doubt, our relationship with ourselves—reflected in the way we talk to ourselves—is the most important relationship we will ever have. And we talk to ourselves based on how our parents talked to us.



When you struggle with something as an adult, you’re likely struggling with something that was adaptive during the years you were wiring your body. Which parts of you received care and nurturing from your parental figures? Which parts of you were shut down or yelled at? Those younger parts still have a very strong hold, and they come up in adulthood—and when we parent our own kids, too.



Here’s an example of how this works in practice.&nbsp;



SITUATION: A parent says no to more TV and then the child screams, "I hate you!"



Scenario 1: The parent says, "You hate me? You're being ridiculous! Go to your room! Come out when you have something nice to say!" Criticism + invalidation + judgment + aloneness. The child learns that anger is bad, and leaves you terrified and on your own.



Fast forward many years, after a pattern of these types of interactions. This child (now an adult) is angry that they were skipped over for a promotion.They get angry, but likely go home, maybe take out their anger on someone else, then return to work and put on a smile—just like they learned to do in childhood. Their anger will come out in some other way—maybe passive-aggressive acts at work, maybe a temper with a spouse or children, maybe self-sabotage.



Scenario 2: The parent says "WOW. Ok, I need a moment... We'll talk about your choice of words later, but more important is that I care about what's upsetting you. Let's figure this out." Boundaries + validation + curiosity + presence. The child learns to circuit anger with connection and understanding.



Fast forward to adulthood. In the same promotion situation, this adult will go home and talk to someone about what happened, even talk to themselves about it, because they have learned to give themselves permission to feel angry...all this, of course, from the permission they were given. This is someone who is likely to go to work the next day and say to their boss, "I'd love to set up a meeting to talk about my promotion. It's important to me, and I want to talk it out with you."



If you identify with the child/adult in Scenario 1, reparenting your inner child can help you rewire your childhood memories and pave new pathways as an adult—ultimately learn to build healthy relationships, set healthy boundaries, achieve personal growth, and break the patterns of your childhood.&nbsp;



<h2>Why adults benefit from reparenting</h2>



Reparenting yourself might be for you if any of these statements feel true: 



<ul><li>You struggle to set healthy boundaries and say “no.” </li><li>You feel selfish making time for self-care. </li><li>You have a strong inner critic that’s quick to self-blame. </li><li>You want to decrease yelling and reactivity. </li><li>You experienced childhood trauma in your own family of origin, and want to break intergenerational cycles.&nbsp;</li></ul>



<h2>Why parents especially benefit from reparenting</h2>



Parents often focus on their kids during challenging situations like tantrums, sibling rivalry, or aggressive behavior. But if you really want to help your kids, you have to ask the single most important parenting question: What does this situation bring up for me?



Our own feelings often get in the way of intervening effectively during difficult moments, because we’re focused on shutting down our uncomfortable emotions, rather than focusing on what our child needs.



If your child is having lots of tantrums, ask yourself, “What’s my own tolerance for messy emotions? Was I taught that big emotional displays were okay? How were my tantrums reacted to as a kid?” Or if your child is slow to read, you might ask, “What does this bring up for me? How were academics treated in my family? What happened when I succeeded or struggled?”



<h2>How does reparenting your inner child work?</h2>



Imagine someone suddenly tells you, “Hey, you don’t need to look both ways when you cross the street anymore! Cars just pass right through people now.” The next time you step into the street, you know this piece of information. But then a car zips around the corner, and your body jerks you back to the curb. Why? That’s how you learned to survive, and it takes practice to rewire an impulse. In reparenting, stepping off the curb for you might mean setting healthy boundaries or asserting your needs.&nbsp;



Uncomfortable emotions are likely to come up during reparenting: You might feel guilty for asking for what you want, or sad about what you didn’t receive as a kid. You’ll need to direct unconditional love and compassion toward yourself.&nbsp;



When you’re ready to start reparenting work, remember these things: 



<ul><li>You are not destined to repeat the patterns of your own childhood. </li><li>Reparenting is a way of paving new pathways for yourself and your family. </li><li>You're taking on the weight of all the generations before you and acting as a pivot point for the generations to come. </li><li>You're bold, strong, and courageous.</li></ul>



<a href="https://www.goodinside.com/article/2315/the-most-important-parenting-question/">Up Next: The Most Important Parenting Question</a>

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