How do we get through moments when our child is spinning out of control?&nbsp;



Here is a simple four-step process based on our framework that emotion regulation requires safety + goodness.&nbsp;



<h2>Step 1: Regulate yourself</h2>



All good things start with regulating ourselves.&nbsp;



Here&#8217;s why: Our children are attuned to our bodies and non-verbal communication, so they pick up on how anxious or frustrated we are. Think of a tantrum as a child&#8217;s emotional fire: Their feelings feel too hot and so their emotions explode, coming out of their mouth (screaming, biting, spitting), hands (hitting or throwing), and feet (kicking). We must start by talking to ourselves with compassion, so we don&#8217;t further inflame the inferno.&nbsp;



Take long, deep breaths and tell yourself: “Nothing is wrong with my child and nothing is wrong with me. I can cope with this.&#8221;



<h2>Step 2: Set a boundary</h2>



We cannot stop a fire once it starts. A child&#8217;s emotional fire will always burn out on it&#8217;s own if we don&#8217;t add the fuel of shame or our own dysregulation. We must start by setting and holding firm limits on dangerous behavior, showing our child that we can help keep them safe. When kids are out of control, they need our sturdy leadership to feel safe again.&nbsp;



With a firm but caring voice, say: &#8220;I will not let you throw your toys.&#8221;&nbsp;



This communicates a parent&#8217;s authority, essentially telling your child, &#8220;I am a strong sturdy leader you can rely on.&#8221; Isn&#8217;t this what we&#8217;re all looking for when we feel at our worst?



<h2>Step 3: Prevent further damage</h2>



A child feels unsafe while they are mid-tantrum, and we cannot re-establish safety if a child is continuing to destroy the world around them. We need to &#8220;get in there.&#8221; This might mean moving to another room, or it might even mean holding your child, even if they protest.&nbsp;



Tell them, &#8220;You don&#8217;t scare me; you&#8217;re a good kid having a hard time. I&#8217;m here. I love you.&#8221;



We must establish safety through our boundaries and presence before our kids are able to take in our efforts to connect. Amidst total dysregulation, contain first and then relate.



<h2>Step 4: Connect&nbsp;</h2>



When you feel your child&#8217;s body start to calm down, tell her, &#8220;You wanted the Legos your sister had. It&#8217;s so hard to share and wait. I know, sweetie. Such big feelings. You’re a good kid who&#8217;s having a hard time. I&#8217;m here, and I love you.”



The eventual goal with a child is to build emotion regulation skills, which reduces a child&#8217;s vulnerability to emotional fires. But none of this building happens during a fire. During the fire, your goal is to contain (establish safety) and connect (remind our child of their inherent goodness).&nbsp;

Toddler girl having hysterical tantrum, lying down on floor and crying with one hand over her eye.

4 Step Strategy for Managing Tantrums

Tantrums

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Wait, What? You Used to Love This!

We are often taught to “validate our kids’ feelings,” which means to see the feelings under their behaviors and name them as real and believable. There’s nothing wrong with this strategy; it’s one I often think is super helpful! And yet, some kids (or all kids in some situations) actually do better when instead of validating the feeling… we validate the magnitude of the feeling. 

Let’s take an adult example to drive this point home, and then we’ll circle back to give examples of how to validate the magnitude with your kids. Imagine this day: you start by spilling your coffee all over your white shirt, then you’re late for an important meeting, then you find out a group of friends all had dinner together and didn’t invite you, and then you get home and realize you lost your wallet. You melt into a crying puddle. (Understandable, I would, too!)

Now, imagine that your partner or a friend sees you and validates your feeling by saying, “You’re upset. You’re allowed to be upset.” Of course, there are worse things to say, but if you’re like me, something about this doesn’t quite register.  So let’s try on something else.  Now imagine your partner or a friend sees you and validates the magnitude of your feeling by saying, “Wow, you’re not normal upset… your upset is HUGE! It's basically as big as it’s ever been!” Sometimes, having someone name our feeling isn’t what we need to feel truly seen. When things feel awful, having someone name the size of our feeling is more in line with the intense experience we’re having, and this type of validation helps us gain the connection we need.

So, how does this work with our kids? Well, for some kids, especially DFKs, validating the magnitude of a feeling is much more effective than validating the feeling itself. Seeing the magnitude helps turn a confusing mass of emotion into something concrete and easier to understand. For example, let’s say your child was expecting a friend to come over, and you just heard from the parent that they had to cancel the playdate. You tell your child, and she’s immediately dysregulated - crying, screaming, maybe yelling, “I hate you, you lied to me!”  In this situation, my hunch is that naming the feeling (“You’re disappointed, I know.”) may actually inflame your child because it’s not so much the disappointment as the surprise and size of the disappointment that feels the worst. So, instead, try validating the magnitude: “You really wanted Ina to come over…you weren’t expecting the playdate to be canceled, I know. You wanted her to come over SO big… as big as this room! Or no…as big as this whole house! What? Oh wow. As big as this whole neighborhood!” 

Or, let’s say the playdate does happen, and it’s time for Ina to get picked up, which makes your child very angry (“No! She can’t leave! Five more minutes! FIVE!”).  To validate the magnitude, pull your child to the side and say, “You’re not ‘usual’ upset about this... you’re as upset as this whole car! No, bigger… your upset is as big as this whole street!” 

Many children immediately take to this strategy because it describes emotions in a way that is finally comprehensible — in terms of size! Your child may correct you and say, “I’m not as upset as this house; I’m as upset as the whole WORLD!” Allow this because it means that a child can put meaning to their internal experience, which is a key skill in learning how to self-regulate. Once you’ve validated the magnitude, pause, look at your child lovingly, and maybe add, “I’m so glad I know how big it is. It’s so important. I’m here with you.”

Validate the Magnitude

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Managing Meltdowns: How to Reduce Tantrums, Understand Big Feelings and Build Lifelong Emotion Regulation Skills

We’ve all been there. First, we set a boundary, and then, our kids push back—yelling, tears, a meltdown; and then we meltdown right next to them. Sound familiar?



Child: “One more show, please?”



Parent: “No, sweetie, screen time is over.”’



Child: “ONE MORE SHOW!” Tears. Screams.



Parent: “Come on! Can’t you just be happy with what you had?”



But consider this: when our kids are pushing back, they’re not giving us a hard time. They’re actually just showing us that they still have access to their desire - and this is a good thing! In that moment, they’re telling us, “I still know what I want, even when you say no to me. My whole body is showing you that I know this desire and that I am frustrated in not having it realized.”&nbsp;



So what if your response recognized your child’s desire and sounded more like this:&nbsp;



Parent: “You wish you could watch another? You’re allowed to feel that way. However, two things are true: screen time is over AND I love that you know what you want for yourself and feel the right to voice it. It’s awesome.” 



(Meanwhile, the parent turns off the TV).



“Even when I seem annoyed, please know I love and respect this about you so much. It’s healthy and important to want things for yourself.”



This big idea has huge implications for our kids’ adulthood: We want our kids to want things for themselves. This is healthy (though, I know, often inconvenient for us parents!).&nbsp;



Now we have a choice: do we want to teach our kids that it’s their job to suppress their wants, or do we want to teach our kids that it’s healthy to want things for themselves, and it’s actually our job to tolerate their displeasure? This difference is MASSIVE.



I’ll speak for myself here: I want my kids to be able to hold onto their desires for themselves, even if others are inconvenienced.



Many of you have shared how hard it is for you to engage in self-care (i.e., being in touch with your wants) and tolerate someone else’s distress when you actually do what you want. I’ve received countless DMs saying, “How do I wire my child to stay in touch with her wants for herself and be able to tolerate someone else being annoyed if she asserts herself, without taking on responsibility for this person’s feelings?”



My answer: they learn this through their lived experience with us. We have to teach our kids that it’s not their job to suppress their wants to make our lives easier. Instead, it’s OUR JOB to get better at tolerating their disappointment, protest, and pushback.



This doesn’t mean your child gets to make all decisions. It means you make decisions that feel right to you AND you validate your child’s wants and right to express displeasure—at the same time.

How to Hold a Boundary in the Face of Pushback

What to Do When a Meltdown Gets Physical

I Won’t Let You

Tantrums as the Last Straw

Screen time for kids is tricky: While we love the guaranteed down time it provides, we don't love the addictive nature, the meltdowns, or the protests. What strategies can you use to manage screen time—especially when your child is prone to technology meltdowns?



Here are six ideas: 



<h2>1. Set clear expectations</h2>



We all fare better when we know what to expect. Tell your kids, "Ok, sure, you can have some iPad time... but wait wait, not yet. Let's talk about how long and decide on an end time, so we all know what to expect." This will set you up much better than "Ok, sure, you can have some iPad time..." and then yelling upstairs to your kids at some point, "Five more minutes and then you're done!"



You can even create a schedule and write it out with your child: “We will have screen time from 8-9:30am and 6:00-8:00pm. Yes, you can watch shows on TV, no you cannot play games on your iPad. I expect you to turn off the TV when we’re finished.” You could also limit it to a number of shows, rather than time blocks: “We are about to start screen time. Remember, today you can watch two Doras, after that we will need to turn the screen off.”



<h2>2. Try emotional vaccination </h2>



Emotional vaccination works like a vaccination for a virus: We strengthen our bodies for regulating big feelings now, so we're more prepared to cope with them in the future. 



Before you start screen time, pause and think with your child about how ending screen time will feel: “Yay, screen time! But hm… how will it feel to end? It’s so hard to end things we love doing, for you and for me…” Pause and see how your child reacts. 



When we predict our tougher feelings, our body feels more in control when those feelings arrive. I also like "getting out" some of the screen-time-ending-protests with my kids before we start with; we all whine together and go through the list of complaints that tend to come up (“Mommy… one more show pleeeease? My friends get more than me!”). This adds levity and connection before the difficult moment arises.



<h2>3. Use the language of wishing</h2>



Reframe your child's complaint as an unfulfilled wish and then speak to the wish your child has, such as, "Ugh... you really wish you could have another show huh?" or "You wish you could make screen time decisions for yourself, right? It can feel so hard to be a kid." 



Kids feel seen when we recognize and validate their wishes.



<h2>4. Remember your “family jobs”</h2>



As parents, we have to make decisions that we think are best for our kids. Our job is to set boundaries, while providing validation and empathy. Our children’s job is to feel and express things. 



Your kids do not have to like your decisions. You can hold your boundary, while following up with warmth and affirmation of your child’s underlying feelings. 



In other words, turn off the TV and connect with them: “You love watching shows, so it makes sense you’re upset when TV time is over. You’re allowed to cry and protest. Express it all, sweetie. I’m here. I get it.”



Successful screen time doesn’t necessarily mean having a tear-free ending—it means you doing your job, and your child doing theirs. 



<h2>5. Shift from “no” to “yes”</h2>



When you plan for the future, you can shift to a "Yes we can watch that show tomorrow" mode, instead of staying stuck in the "No, no more iPad" of today.  



Remind your child that she’ll have another screen time period tomorrow or the next day. You can try saying, “You really want to watch another episode of Storybots. Ok, tell me about it... Let me get a paper and pen, and write down the episode you’re thinking about, so we can remember that one for tomorrow.”



A written-down plan gives your child something to trust—it helps them feel more in control. You can also tell your child, “I’m so glad we did this. It’s right here. It’s important to have this written down, so we won’t forget.”



<h2>6. Act out your own meltdown and regulation.</h2>



Modeling our own meltdowns, and then regulating through breathing and self-talk is super helpful for our kids, as they feel less alone in their big feelings and learn what realistic regulation looks like.



During a non-screen-time moment, act out your own tantrum. If the cereal box is near empty at breakfast the next morning. You can say, “No no no, I want a full bowl!! I want more!” Whine and stomp. Do this “around” your child, as if she’s just happening to witness this moment. 



Then interrupt your tantrum with a deep breath: “More… more… okay, deep breath.” Take a breath. “I can buy more for tomorrow…” Return to your big feelings for a moment: “But ugh!! I really wanted MORE now!” and then again to your regulation: “I wish I had a full box now… but I can handle this. I can have yogurt for breakfast this morning, and cereal tomorrow. I’m okay.”



You don’t need to process this with your child, just allow them to witness it. 



Have a question? Want to share a thought? Talk about it in the <a href="https://community.goodinside.com/c/tantrums/">#TantrumsRoom</a>
<a class="btn btn-primary" style="text-decoration: none;" href="https://cms.goodinside.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/GoodInside_ScreenTimeMeltdownGuide_v1B.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener" download="">Download Guide</a>

When Your Child Has a Screen Time Meltdown

Your child is crying, flailing, and yelling "LEAVE ME ALONE!" or "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" What can you do?



<h2>Step 1: Respond with your words&nbsp;</h2>



First, take a deep breath and let them know you hear them: “Okay, I hear you. I’m right here when you’re ready. I love you.”



Remember: This about your child, not you. You haven't done anything wrong. Your child is so overwhelmed that it's hard for them to imagine anyone standing in the storm with them. This isn't a reflection of your parenting or their trust in you; it's a reflection of the fact that the logical parts of their brain are offline and that their emotions feel too big for them.&nbsp;



It may also be a reflection of their temperament: Kids who are fiercely independent and perfectionistic are more likely to cling to their self-reliance when emotions feel intense.



<h2>Step 2: Respond with your body</h2>



Kids sometimes need us to move away to calm down, but they also need us to stay nearby to communicate that they are, in fact, still "good kids." When we offer our presence (even if it’s on the other side of their bedroom door), we show our kids that their “big feelings” aren’t scary to us.&nbsp;



You can move away when your child demands it, but also communicate that you're right there, nearby, waiting. Maybe pop in here and there to check on your child. It's ok if you get "yelled at" again; every time you gaze kindly at her, you're letting her know that she’s a good kid having a hard time (not a bad kid doing bad things).&nbsp;



<h2>Step 3: Connect in a calm moment</h2>



Allow the intense moment, while putting boundaries around anything truly dangerous ("You're throwing picture frames. I will not let you stay in your room alone and endanger yourself. No, I will not go away because my first job is to keep you safe and I will always do that, even when you're so upset. I love you that much.").&nbsp;



If nothing destructive or dangerous is happening, remind yourself that your child is working through her out-of-control feelings and that your job is to stay relatively calm and stay nearby. 



After a tantrum, children need to hear that they are lovable. This actually helps them feel more stable and secure, which promotes more regulated behavior. Find your child in a calm moment to build connection: “We all get upset sometimes. No matter what you say or do, I love you the same. Nothing will ever change that."

When Your Child Says “Leave Me Alone!”

Our kids are flooded with our capability. They watch us tie our shoes effortlessly, pour milk without spilling, cope calmly with disappointment. Resilience comes from tolerating struggles and failures, and yet, kids watch their parents, over and over again, succeed with ease.



How can we do a better job of not doing such a good job?



Here's an idea: model realistic emotion regulation. Here and there, pick a time when you know your child is nearby and model struggling and regulating in front of them.&nbsp;



<h2>Examples of realistic regulation</h2>



<ul><li>Read something aloud and mess up a word or two.</li></ul>



<ul><li>Struggle to put your shoes on before leaving the house: "Ugh!!! These are so tight!!" Then pause and say, "Ok deep breath... go slowly... I got this."</li></ul>



<ul><li>Have a hard time losing a game and then recover: "No No No... I think I actually won, it's just that you... wait... that's not true... I'm ok. Deep breath... Good game, sweetie."</li></ul>



<ul><li>With your child nearby, open the fridge and say: "There are no more grapes, I wanted some! Someone has to go to the store right now! Ok, ok...deep breath... I can cope with this… NO! I really want grapes now, ughhh! Ok, one more breath... I wish we had grapes. I can manage, today, with an apple." Then turn to your child, and say, "I was just figuring something out... You want to take a bike ride? Sure, let me grab an apple and then I'll be ready."</li></ul>



<ul><li>You can also model regulation when your child is having a tantrum. During your child’s next meltdown, say “BIG FEELINGS HERE. I'm going to take a few deep breaths.” (Hint: This also helps you calm yourself, which you need to do before helping your dysregulated child.) </li></ul>



We all learn best from people who we admire, but don't feel "too far" from. If you're a novice soccer player, you might not want to be on the field with Lionel Messi or Megan Rapinoe. If you're trying to learn how to do complex math, lessons from Albert Einstein would feel intimidating. Our children are novices in emotion regulation, so they learn best when we model healthy emotion regulation that isn't too perfected, that starts out looking similar to their own experience, but then takes a slightly different path.



So, when you act out your own disappointment and recovery, make it realistic. Don't recover too quickly, cleanly, or logically. Model what building regulation skills actually looks like—it's challenging, it's non-linear, it requires hard work. Model this realistic regulation in front of your child without calling direct attention to it, so your child "just happens" to witness it as a part of your day.



My kids love it when I do this. They love seeing me as an emotional work-in-progress, and then offering their own calm-down ideas to me. This is a powerful role-reversal and helps them tap into their arsenal of emotion regulation skills.&nbsp;



And remember: There will likely be a long lag between your modeling of regulation and your child doing it on her own. Don’t mistake a lack of immediate change for lack of impact. Stay the course! One day your child will do it on their own, because of your dedication and consistency.

How to Model Realistic Regulation

How do we get through moments when our child is spinning out of control?&nbsp;



Here is a simple four-step process based on our framework that emotion regulation requires safety + goodness.&nbsp;



<h2>Step 1: Regulate yourself</h2>



All good things start with regulating ourselves.&nbsp;



Here's why: Our children are attuned to our bodies and non-verbal communication, so they pick up on how anxious or frustrated we are. Think of a tantrum as a child's emotional fire: Their feelings feel too hot and so their emotions explode, coming out of their mouth (screaming, biting, spitting), hands (hitting or throwing), and feet (kicking). We must start by talking to ourselves with compassion, so we don't further inflame the inferno.&nbsp;



Take long, deep breaths and tell yourself: “Nothing is wrong with my child and nothing is wrong with me. I can cope with this."



<h2>Step 2: Set a boundary</h2>



We cannot stop a fire once it starts. A child's emotional fire will always burn out on it's own if we don't add the fuel of shame or our own dysregulation. We must start by setting and holding firm limits on dangerous behavior, showing our child that we can help keep them safe. When kids are out of control, they need our sturdy leadership to feel safe again.&nbsp;



With a firm but caring voice, say: "I will not let you throw your toys."&nbsp;



This communicates a parent's authority, essentially telling your child, "I am a strong sturdy leader you can rely on." Isn't this what we're all looking for when we feel at our worst?



<h2>Step 3: Prevent further damage</h2>



A child feels unsafe while they are mid-tantrum, and we cannot re-establish safety if a child is continuing to destroy the world around them. We need to "get in there." This might mean moving to another room, or it might even mean holding your child, even if they protest.&nbsp;



Tell them, "You don't scare me; you're a good kid having a hard time. I'm here. I love you."



We must establish safety through our boundaries and presence before our kids are able to take in our efforts to connect. Amidst total dysregulation, contain first and then relate.



<h2>Step 4: Connect&nbsp;</h2>



When you feel your child's body start to calm down, tell her, "You wanted the Legos your sister had. It's so hard to share and wait. I know, sweetie. Such big feelings. You’re a good kid who's having a hard time. I'm here, and I love you.”



The eventual goal with a child is to build emotion regulation skills, which reduces a child's vulnerability to emotional fires. But none of this building happens during a fire. During the fire, your goal is to contain (establish safety) and connect (remind our child of their inherent goodness).&nbsp;

Sturdy leadership is a key concept at Good Inside. When our kids are having a hard time, they need to feel that they are not "too much" for their parents—their sturdy leaders. They need to see that they cannot overpower us with their tears or whines or dysregulated behavior.



Why is this so important? Because in these meltdown moments, kids feel overwhelmed themselves. If they then get the message that their emotional state also overwhelms their parents, it's game over.



<h2>Two things are true</h2>



Kids need to feel that their parents both recognize and permit their feelings and that their feelings do not take over and bleed into our decision making.



Two things are true here: As parents, we can make decisions that we think are best (even if our child doesn’t like them) and we can care about our kid’s feelings about these decisions. These are two totally separate things.



Let’s say your child wants to watch a movie that you deem to be inappropriate for his age. You say no to the movie. Your child is upset, disappointed, and angry: “All of my friends have seen it! You’re the worst person ever. I’ll never talk to you again!!”



If only one of these statements can be true, then your child's feelings have to overrule your decision. If you tell yourself that caring about your child's feelings has to be linked to your decision making, then you definitely will change your mind to prove to yourself that you're a good loving parent. But when both things are true, you are allowed to maintain your decision and your child is allowed to be upset.&nbsp;



<h2>A few scripts to try</h2>



Next time you need to hold a boundary you’ve set with your child, try using the “two things are true” phrase. For example:



<ul><li>“Two things are true: Screen time is over and I understand that ending your show is so hard. You wish you could watch another. I get that.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: We are not allowing you to go to big parties and I hear how that messes up your social life. I’m saying no and I care about how that feels to you.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: The kitchen is closed and you really wish you could have another snack. I know! Waiting for dinner is hard.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: I am tired and need sleep and I understand that you’re disappointed that I backed out of our plans.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: Mommy is going out for a walk and I hear that you wish you could come. Daddy will stay with you,and I’ll be back soon.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: I need a quiet weekend with no plans and I hear that you wish tomorrow worked for a visit. We can make a plan for another weekend, let’s find a date.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: We have a hard “no” to Fortnite and we hear how left out you feel. We care about that and would love to brainstorm other ways to connect with your friends.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>“Two things are true: Our family is not getting a dog right now and I get how disappointing that is. You’re allowed to be upset with us.”</li></ul>



Try your own version of these words aloud with your child, your friends, your partner, or just in your head the next time you set a boundary. Remember, you don't have to choose between firm decisions and loving validation. Both can be true.

Two Things Are True

Tantrums are not only normal... tantrums are healthy.&nbsp;



What? Your child screaming and kicking about not being able to have a fudge pop for breakfast is healthy? Yes. You betcha.



Tantrums are almost all about the same thing: "I want something and someone is getting in my way. I want ‘Yes’ and someone is saying ‘No’ to me. I want, want, want and I am getting denied, denied, denied."



Wanting something and having our desire thwarted is one of the most difficult human experiences—not just for kids, but also for adults.



Tantrums are a child's way of saying, "I still know what I want, even when you say no to me. My whole body is showing you that I know this desire and that I am frustrated in not having it realized."



Do we want to limit dangerous behaviors mid-tantrum? Absolutely. Do we want to keep ourselves calm? For sure. Is our goal to stop a tantrum or stop them from happening, entirely? No, it's not.



Here’s why: We want our kids to want for themselves.



<h2>Why your job isn’t to “stop” the tantrum</h2>



Tantrums have a life of their own. Realizing this can totally change your sense of your role during one: Your job is not to calm your child down. It is to keep yourself calm and your child safe. That's all. The tantrum itself? It ends on its own timeline.&nbsp;



Here are some examples:



SITUATION: Your child is screaming and hitting you. 



<ul><li>Calm yourself: Take a deep breath and tell yourself, “I can cope with this. Nothing is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with my child.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>Keep your child safe: “I will not let you hit me.” Block another hit from connecting. Breathe, and then add, “If you have mad energy in your hands, you can hit the floor or pillow. I want you to hold onto your desire, it’s healthy to know what you want. But I won’t allow you to hit anyone.” Tell yourself, “My child is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time. I’ve got this, I can do this.”</li></ul>







SITUATION: Your child is out of control on a playdate.



<ul><li>Calm yourself: Take a deep breath and tell yourself, “I can cope with this. Nothing is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with my child.”</li></ul>



<ul><li>Keep your child safe: “You’re having a hard time. You really wanted that toy. It’s good to know what you want, but I am carrying you to another room to keep you safe. You’re not in trouble. I’ll stay with you.” Carry your child (as they likely protest loudly) to another room, close the door, sit down, and prevent damage. Breath. Say very little, maybe only, “I’m here. I’m right here with you.” Say to yourself, “My child’s behavior is not a barometer of my parenting. I’ve got this. I can do this.”&nbsp;</li></ul>



<h2>Building a healthy sense of desire</h2>



We are building pathways in our child’s early years for emotion regulation and procedural learning.&nbsp;



We want our kids to recognize and assert their desires, while building regulation skills to manage disappointment, frustration, or anger. We want our kids to be able to hold onto the idea of "I still know what I want even when people around me tell me no"—right?



Here’s the big idea: We cannot encourage subservience and compliance in our kids when they're young, and expect confidence and assertiveness when they’re older.&nbsp;



Want your child to be able to ask for a raise? Be able to say "I need you to talk to me more respectfully" to a partner? Then start seeing tantrums as an essential part of childhood.

The Truth Behind Tantrums

To me, parenting is all about building our kids' capacity to regulate difficult emotions.



In their early years, kids' experience emotions that are too big to manage alone in their bodies, which is why the feelings come catapulting out of their bodies as difficult behaviors: hitting, throwing, flailing, etc.



How do we change behavior? Through building emotion regulation. How do we build regulation? Through “safety” (setting boundaries) and “goodness” (building connection).&nbsp;



<h2>Establish safety</h2>



We must establish safety first. When we remove a child from throwing blocks, it’s not to punish them; we remove this child for his and everyone else's safety. This is our first and foremost job as a parent: making sure our child is safe.



We establish safety when we assert our sturdy leadership—when we swiftly and confidently remove our child from the block area telling him, "My number one job is to keep you safe and right now safety means you and I together in a separate room." We don't need our child's permission or approval and we should anticipate pushback and screaming. It's critical to follow through to allow for the feelings of safety.



Safety also means regulating yourself, finding your goodness (“I’m a good parent, my child’s behavior is not a measure of my parenting!”), and being present for your child.



In these moments, children are "saying" to parents: "This feeling inside me... it feels too much. Please tell me that it's not too much for you, that you can manage it, that you can stay here with me. Over time, I'll believe that I can handle this feeling. If my feelings don't scare you, then over time they won't scare me... and this is how I will learn how to regulate."



<h2>Communicate goodness</h2>



Our kids feel good inside when we stay with them when they're upset, showing them that their feelings don’t scare us or make us see them as bad kids. Separate your child’s behavior on the outside from who you see on the inside.&nbsp;



Whether your toddler is screaming for Halloween candy for breakfast or your teenager is hysterically crying because of a breakup, you can affirm their goodness by simply sitting with your child in their distress. In these meltdown moments, we often put pressure on ourselves to think of the “right thing to say,” but I’m going to go on record here to say that the words don’t matter nearly as much as we think they do.&nbsp;



In fact, most of the time what we say matters less than how we say it. The effectiveness of our verbal communication rests on the nature of our non-verbal communication. If a child senses danger in the tone of your voice, they will be unable to process your words.



Why does non-verbal communication matter so much? Said simply: evolution. The lower part of our brain, responsible for detecting threats in our environment, activates much sooner than the frontal parts, which are responsible for rational thought. This has huge implications for us and our children.



Imagine the brain as a house with every floor having its own function. The basement’s job is to assess risk, and it has to yell “Hey, we are safe down here! All clear!” for the upstairs floor to turn on its lights and do its job of thinking, learning, and self-control. If the basement ever yells, “Threat! Threat!,” the upstairs floors immediately go dark.&nbsp;



So practice being present for your child. Use a calm, quiet voice to tell them: “I’m here. I’m right here with you. I love you.”&nbsp;



<h2>Put this into practice</h2>



Let’s walk through a step-by-step example of what to do if your child throws a block at a friend.&nbsp;



Step 1 (Safety): Establish a firm boundary. Separate your child and say: “I won’t let you throw. I’m picking you up so we can calm our bodies together.”



Step 2 (Find your goodness): Tell yourself, “I’m a good mom. I can handle this.”



Step 3 (Be present): Sit with your child. Say in a soft, calm voice: “I’m here with you. I’m here.”



Step 4 (Affirm your child’s goodness): Say, “You’re a good kid who had a hard time. I love you.” The next day, after you've established safety and goodness, work on the regulation skills your child is missing in a calm moment. If the catalyst was a fallen block tower, create a situation where you can "play around" with frustration. Bring the blocks out and say, “Ugh! I want to throw this!” Ask your child for ideas on how to regulate instead, or model realistic regulation by practicing breathing, self-talk, and taking breaks.

The Regulation Equation: Safety + Goodness

One way to look at our job as parents is as our child’s emotion regulation coach. Emotion regulation is the process of coping with feelings. Coaching involves supporting and teaching. If we bring these together, then your role as a parent is to help your child learn how to manage tough feelings.&nbsp;&nbsp;



Now, here’s something critical: emotion regulation coaches don’t help kids get rid of feelings. After all, we never stop having intense feelings! Hopefully, by the time we are adults, we’ve learned healthy coping skills and as a result, our feelings don’t surface as out-of-control behavior.&nbsp;



How do we help our kids learn how to have feelings and stay grounded? It all starts with understanding emotion regulation and learning strategies to translate this understanding into action.



<h2>What is emotional regulation and what does it look like?</h2>



Self-regulation is a popular buzzword in the child psychology world these days, and with good reason, as regulation skills are <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4175372/">linked to social, emotional, and academic success</a>.&nbsp;



But what exactly is self-regulation? It encompasses the skills that allow anyone to manage difficult moments and make good decisions that are in line with their goals long-term. Emotional regulation is essentially the ability to build distress tolerance and stay calm in the midst of intense feelings.&nbsp;



Here’s something interesting about emotional regulation at any age: We have a balance of self-regulation abilities (“I’m good! I can manage this feeling on my own!”) and co-regulation needs (“Anyone there? I could use some help!”). As adults, we can hopefully self-regulate a decent percentage of the time, though we all need co-regulation sometimes. This is why we partner up, have close friends, or seek out support groups and therapy. Since kids are just learning how to experience and express difficult emotions,&nbsp; they require more co-regulation than adults.



<h2>What is dysregulation and what does it look like?&nbsp;</h2>



Emotional dysregulation is when children (or adults) are incapable of managing the feelings that are rising up in their bodies on their own. It could look like:&nbsp;



<ul><li>Starting to yell and cry when you say “no” to another cookie</li><li>Yelling “You’re the worst dad/mom in the world!” when you tell them their iPad time is up.&nbsp;</li><li>Screaming and hitting you when it’s time to leave the park and go home for dinner, if they want to stay&nbsp;</li></ul>



In each of these scenarios, a child wants something… and a parent gets in the way of getting it. This denial of desire is almost always at the core of our children’s most difficult moments and, frankly, is almost always at the core of adults’ most difficult moments, too. In these moments of thwarted desire, young children feel a range of very difficult emotions, including frustration, disappointment, anger, sadness, and more. These feelings get to be so big that their bodies can no longer contain them. And when feelings become too big to manage, too big to contain, too big to soothe, children become dysregulated.



<h2>How do kids learn emotional regulation skills?</h2>



Children learn to self-soothe through the experience of being soothed by their parents. In other words, emotional regulation for kids is absorbed through co-regulation. Kids who struggle to self-regulate need more co-regulation help in their early years. They need parents to stay calm, stay connected, and model healthy regulation in the face of their dysregulation. Every kid’s timeline is different, but the process is the same: getting emotional regulation help from a caregiver will lead to increased self-regulation abilities.



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We are a relational species wired to connect to other people. Parent-child interactions stimulate neural growth in a child’s brain, which means that co-regulation is helpful for a child! So when your child is dysregulated, you have your best opportunity to do some high-impact parenting. In each difficult moment, you can help your child develop healthy coping skills. Every moment that you are able to stay calm in front of your child will increase the likelihood that she will, years later, respond to her own dysregulation with calmness and compassion.



<h2>Why do some children really struggle with dysregulation?</h2>



Some children feel things so deeply that the gap between their feelings and their ability to regulate feels insurmountable. They struggle to cross this gap because their big feelings and their shame around needing help with those big feelings sit uncomfortably close, so they never experience one without the other.&nbsp;



I call these children “deeply feeling kids.” They especially need our presence and co-regulation, because deeply feeling kids can so easily associate their bad behaviors—the result of emotional dysregulation—with being a bad kid.&nbsp;



<h2>Teaching kids emotional regulation skills</h2>



Here are a few emotional regulation activities for kids that you can try inside or outside of dysregulated moments.&nbsp;



INSIDE DYSREGULATED MOMENTS



1. Develop your own emotional regulation skills



When your child is dysregulated, reflect instead of react.&nbsp; If my son starts whining, my reflection would sound like this, inside my head: “I am noticing that I’m really annoyed by his voice,” while my reaction would sound like this: “I can’t deal with you right now!” I’ve said the latter to him before, and it doesn’t feel good



Reflection allows us to insert a pause, and&nbsp; when we pause and reflect, we are better able to act with intention, which feels good to us as adults. Reflection involves asking ourselves, “What is happening here?” and I’d encourage you to break this into two parts: first, “What is happening for me?” and then, once you’ve fleshed that out a bit, then “What is happening for my child?”&nbsp;



Regulating your own emotions, finding your goodness, and showing this goodness to your child will improve your distress tolerance and your child’s.&nbsp;&nbsp;



2. Help your child feel understood in moments of distress



Imagine that you’re all alone on a bench of uncomfortable feelings and then someone scoots over next to you—not pressuring to get off the bench, not telling you to switch to the happy-feelings bench, not explaining to you why you shouldn’t be on this bench in the first place—and just sits.&nbsp; And allows. It’s almost indescribable how good that feels.



Our kids feel good inside when we sit with them in their distress. Take deep breaths. Stay calm and show them that their big feelings aren’t scary to you: “You really wanted that cookie, huh? I get it. You’re frustrated. That’s okay. I’m right here with you.”



OUTSIDE OF DYSREGULATED MOMENTS



&nbsp;3. Model realistic emotional regulation skills



You can model realistic emotional regulation skills at any time of the day.&nbsp;



For example, maybe you’re reading a book at bedtime and mess up a word or two, forget about a meeting at work, or and struggle to open a jar in front of your kids. You can manage the frustration of making a mistake: “Ah, I can’t believe I got that wrong! I’m so frustrated. Wait… wait… I can do hard things. Ok, deep breaths. I’ve got this.”&nbsp;



Don’t recover too quickly, cleanly, or logically. Model what building regulation skills actually looks like—it’s challenging, it’s non-linear, and it requires hard work. Model this realistic regulation in front of your child without calling direct attention to it, so your child “just happens” to witness it as a part of your day.

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