
<p>“My child doesn’t listen to anything I say or ask of her! She totally tunes me out and then we get into a power struggle and things just get worse from there. Please help!”</p>



<p>In my practice, “my kid doesn’t listen to me” is a common problem parents come to discuss. And as a starting point, I always try to reframe the issue to get to the heart of what we are really talking about.&nbsp;</p>



<p>No parent has ever said that listening is a problem when they tell a child, “Ice cream sundaes are on the kitchen table!” or “You can start an extra TV show now!” So, we’re not really talking about listening—what we are <em>really</em> talking about when we refer to “getting a child to listen” is this: cooperation from my child when I want my child to do something she doesn’t want to do.&nbsp;</p>



<h2><strong>Why Don’t Kids Listen?</strong></h2>



<p>Think about yourself for a moment. What do <em>we</em>, as adults, do when someone asks us to do something we don’t want to do? Well, it’s based on how close we feel to that person at the moment. For example, if I’m feeling really good about my marriage, and my husband asks me to grab him something on my way home from work, I’ll probably say yes. But if things between us feel distant and I’ve recently been feeling unappreciated or misunderstood, I’m more likely to tell him I’m too rushed.</p>



<p>Here’s the truth about listening: the more you feel connected to someone, the more you want to comply with requests. Listening is a barometer for the strength of a relationship. So, if your child isn’t cooperating, he’s trying to tell you that your relationship with him needs some TLC. This is not a barometer of your parenting… <em>all parent-child relationships need some extra love and attention sometimes!</em>&nbsp;</p>



<p>In my house, with my three kids, I am constantly receiving feedback (i.e., when they are in a not-listening phase!) that I need to slow down and think about each of my children’s unique needs and do some relationship strengthening. What I try to do is slow down and reflect on what might be <em>underneath </em>the listening struggle and what my child needs from me to feel more seen and more connected.&nbsp; So consider this reframe and then, from there, check out the Listening &gt; Strategies section that’s full of practical steps you can take to improve listening in your home.</p>


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<p>You’re at a family gathering and you tell your daughter, “I need you to take off your shoes before running around”... she looks at you, clearly hears what you said, and then runs in the opposite direction.&nbsp; Now what? Well, your parents or sister or whoever is around looks at you, maybe with raised brows, and you panic.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>



<p>You’re at a birthday party with your son and he’s being a bit too wild during the eating-pizza-and-cake portion.&nbsp; You whisper to him, “Sweetie, I need you to be quieter right now” and he looks at you and instead of calming down, yells, “Get away from me” and then throws some plastic utensils in the air, with one fork hitting another child’s face.&nbsp; All the parents from your kids’ class are around you.</p>



<p>What do we do when our kids don’t listen to us in public? What do these moments feel like to us and how can we intervene in a way that is in line with our parenting values… rather than swayed by the fear of judgment from others? So often in these moments, we respond in an extra-harsh way as if we are proving something to the other adults around us or we respond in an extra boundary-less way, trying to avoid the discomfort of the situation and just hoping things get better.</p>



<p>Lets go over three steps for intervening when our kids don’t listen in a public setting:</p>



<h2>1. Remind yourself that you’re a good parent with a good kid.</h2>



<p>I know this sounds like an odd step but it’s a critical one. Tell yourself, “I am a good parent with a good kid. Things don’t feel great right now AND I can manage this.”&nbsp; This mantra is an antidote to the story running through your head which likely sounds like, “Ugh why is this happening and why is my kid the only one being difficult and I guess this is all my fault and I just want to escape this moment!”&nbsp; The first mantra allows ourselves to get grounded - which is how we make good decisions - while the second narrative is what leads to us acting in ways we’re never proud of later.</p>



<h2>2. Imagine people around you cheering you on with empathy.&nbsp;</h2>



<p>When our kids struggle in public, we often assume the worst of others - we assume they’re judging our parenting and our kids. Here’s something I often think about: if we are going to enter into the thoughts and brains of other people, we may as well make it work for us! After all, we have no idea what people are thinking PLUS what other people think is often more related to their “stuff” than it is to ours! So imagine the other family members or parents around you saying to you, “Please! No big deal! This happens all the time. Do what you’ve got to do.&nbsp; We’ve all been there.” Or I sometimes imagine someone thinking and relaying to me, “Becky, this is one moment in your parenting. This doesn’t define you.”</p>



<h2>3. Be firm and warm.</h2>



<p>Learning to be firm and warm takes lots of practice, so if you find it’s difficult for you… makes sense! It’s like any other muscle, we just have to work it over and over again for it to get stronger - and stay strong.&nbsp; A firm boundary without warmth sounds like this: “Give me those shoes! I said to take them off! I NEED THOSE SHOES NOW OR ELSE YOU’LL BE PUNISHED!” Warmth without firmness sounds like this: “No more throwing forks sweetie! Come on, we don’t do that!” Firmness and warmth sounds like this: “I know you want to run around with your cousins! Makes sense. Your aunt’s house has a no-shoes-inside rule and I’m going to help you follow that.&nbsp; You can take your shoes off by yourself or I can help you, let me know which.”&nbsp; Or: “I am going to pick you up and carry you to the side. You’re not in trouble, it’s just clear you’re struggling to make safe decisions right now. I’ll sit with you until your body calms and then we can figure out what to do next” - and then following through and doing this.</p>



<p>Is any of this as easy IRL as it sounds right here? Of course not! In fact, knowing that, try to practice these three steps today… without your child! Go in front of a mirror, imagine a not-listening-in-public situation, and practice these three steps including saying aloud your boundary setting - the firmness and warmth. If it feels awkward to do this, that’s perfectly normal - awkwardness in our body is a sign we are doing something new, and new is a sign we are making a change. You’ve got this.</p>

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<p>It’s 7:49am and you and your child have to get into the car by 7:50 to get to school on time … and yet, your child refuses to put on shoes and is instead screaming, “I hate these socks! I’m not putting them on!”</p>



<p>What’s a parent to do? What do we do when we don’t really have the time for tricks and games, when our heart is racing, when our frustration is growing, and when we are only thinking, “We have to leave! We have to leave right now!”</p>



<p>Follow these steps when you’re pressed for time to have a more peaceful transition with your kids.</p>



<h2>1. Deep Breath + Mantra</h2>



<p>Take a deep breath and remind yourself, “I am safe, there’s not an emergency.” The reason deep breaths are mentioned so often is because they are a critical foundation for making good decisions. When you’re in a rush, your body can be tricked into thinking there is some true life-and-death emergency.&nbsp; Yes, you want to get your child to school in time but also yes, you will survive if you are late. When you take a deep breath and talk to your body, you allow your body to unwind from fight-or-flight mode, which allows us to show up as a sturdy leader instead of an activated, reactive one.</p>



<h2>2. Connection First&nbsp;</h2>



<p>Find your child and share these words: “We are trying to leave and things don’t feel good to you.&nbsp; I see that. It’s hard to leave the house, for me too.”&nbsp; Here, we are focusing more on connection that on the goal of getting out of the house.&nbsp; There’s a deep paradox here - the more we focus on “we have to leave!”, the more alone a child feels in whatever they’re struggling with - and when we feel alone, we feel stuck.&nbsp; Prioritizing connection allows you and your child to start to get on the same page.</p>



<h2>3. Replace Frustration with Levity&nbsp;</h2>



<p>Lightening the mood is key in gaining cooperation from your child. Why? Playfulness makes situations feel safer and more manageable.&nbsp; So share words like, “I wonder if you can get your shoes on before me… there’s no way… I doubt it!” or “Oh my goodness, those socks are the ones you hate! Silly me!” We often respond with frustration (“I need you to get those socks on. NOW! NOW!”), our kids feel further disconnected from us and maybe even scared - which gets in their way of moving through a transition.</p>



<h2>4. Show Trust + Wait </h2>



<p>I know, this seems like an odd suggestion. Wait for your child to be ready when you’re in a rush? YES.&nbsp; This shows your child that you see them as a good kid, not an obstinate one, and this helps a child access their own goodness and motivation.&nbsp; Try words like this:&nbsp; “I am going to wait at the door. I have your socks and shoes ready for you.&nbsp; I see you need a minute or two… I hear you. I trust you to come here so we can leave together.”</p>



<h2>5. Make a Plan When Things Are Calm</h2>



<p>This step is key.  If leaving the house is hard every morning, we have to intervene outside the moment. So when things are calm - maybe one evening or on a weekend, talk to your child first to figure out what’s going on and then second to brainstorm ideas together. It might sound like this: “Leaving the house in the morning has been so hard! I wonder what’s hard about it…” Explore with your child their feelings about leaving you, their hesitation around going to school, their fears or worries that likely surface in these moments. After you’ve learned more, use this information to help problem solve: “Ah… it’s hard to say goodbye to me and you miss me when you’re at school! I get that! I miss you too.  What would it be like if I put my phone down for 10 minutes in the morning and we had some real special time together? I wonder if that would help?” or “Ah… it’s hard to say goodbye to me and you miss me when you’re at school! I get that! I miss you too.  I wonder if you have a picture of me and I have a picture of you when we leave… that might help a bit…” Of course, allow your child to participate in these problem solving sessions too: “You’re a kid with great ideas. I wonder if you could help us think about how to make the mornings a bit more pleasant…”.</p>



<p><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.goodinside.com/video/2845/when-your-kid-only-listens-to-one-parent/">Up Next: When Your Kid Listens To One Parent and Not The Other</a></span></strong></p>

When You Need to Get Your Child Out the Door

<p>The following strategies involve building experiences of connection, which helps improve cooperation and listening. </p>



<p>See which strategies resonate with you, try something out, and then feel free to return to this list another time and experiment again.&nbsp; And of course let us know what you think and how things go!</p>



<h2>1. Connect to your child in their world before asking them to enter yours.</h2>



<p>My eight-year-old son told me this about listening: “Kids don’t always listen because usually a parent asks us to stop doing something fun to do something that isn’t fun.” So connect to your child before you make a request to do something “less fun.” Your child has to feel seen in what she’s doing or feeling before she’s able to switch out of something that feels good in her world (i.e., reading a book in her bed) and fulfill a request that is a priority in your parenting world (i.e., getting her shoes on and leaving the house).</p>



<p>Examples:</p>



<ul><li>“Wow, you’ve been working so hard on that tower.&nbsp; I know it’s going to be a bit tricky to pause and take a bath.&nbsp; If we do a quick bath now, you will still have time to build before bed.”<br></li><li>“I know it’s so hard to end play dates because you’ve been having so much fun.&nbsp; We have to leave now, but Kate’s mom and I can set up your next playdate really soon.”<br></li><li>“You’re having so much fun playing with blocks. Hm. It’s bath time now. Let’s do a quick one so you can play again after.”</li></ul>



<h2>2. Use humor.&nbsp;&nbsp;</h2>



<p>Humor allows for a change in perspective, which is what we are looking for when we ask things of our children. When we bring laughter into the equation, our kids feel more connected to us and are more likely to cooperate.</p>



<p>&nbsp;Examples:</p>



<ul><li>“Oh no… your listening ears are lost! Ok wait, I think I found them.&nbsp; Oh my goodness can you believe this… I found them in this plant! How did they get there? Let’s get them back on your body before they sprout into a flower!”<br></li><li>“My mommy is always asking me to do things I don’t want to do! It is so hard to be a kid! If only my mom understood how hard it is to be a kid, always being asked to do things you don’t want to do!”</li></ul>



<h2>3. Keep it simple.</h2>



<p>Request only <em>one</em> desired behavior.&nbsp; State your request as a sentence, not a question. Tell your child what you <em>want</em>, as opposed to telling your child to stop doing what you <em>don’t</em> want.</p>



<p>Examples:</p>



<ul><li>“Please put your shoes in the closet” is more effective than, “Please put your shoes in the closet and then wash your hands and come to the dinner table.”<br></li><li>“Please wash your hands” is more effective than, “Can you wash your hands?”<br></li><li>“Please use a quieter voice” is more effective than “Stop yelling!”<br></li></ul>



<h2>4. Focus on your soft, calm tone first… and your words second.&nbsp;&nbsp;</h2>



<p>Our children <em>feel</em> the non-verbal aspects of our speech before they process our words, and children need to feel safe to process the language we use. This means that if we use a scary tone of voice, our children go into threat mode and literally will not be able to listen to us because their body is too overwhelmed with anxiety.</p>



<p>Reminders:</p>



<ul><li>Take a deep breath before you speak to your kid.<br></li><li>Think, “Slow, soft, steady” with your speech.</li></ul>



<h2>5. Empower your child with choices.&nbsp;</h2>



<p>If you can give your child agency to make a choice, he will be more likely to cooperate. No one likes feeling “done to,” especially children who already feel so controlled a lot of the time. Give choices that you can deal with and then let your child know that you trust him to follow through on that choice.</p>



<p>Examples:</p>



<ul><li>“We can leave Abby’s house now or you can play one more card game together.&nbsp; I’ll leave it up to you … Oh, after one more game? I know you’ll follow through with that choice, so that’s fine with me.”<br></li><li>“You can clear your dishes now or come back to do it after your shower… oh, after your shower? Ok, I trust that you will do that, sounds good.”<br></li><li>“Your choice: You can put on a jacket and play outside in the snow, or say no to a jacket and play inside. Totally up to you.”</li></ul>

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<p>“My child doesn’t listen to anything I say or ask of her! She totally tunes me out and then we get into a power struggle and things just get worse from there. Please help!”</p>



<p>In my practice, “my kid doesn’t listen to me” is a common problem parents come to discuss. And as a starting point, I always try to reframe the issue to get to the heart of what we are really talking about.&nbsp;</p>



<p>No parent has ever said that listening is a problem when they tell a child, “Ice cream sundaes are on the kitchen table!” or “You can start an extra TV show now!” So, we’re not really talking about listening—what we are <em>really</em> talking about when we refer to “getting a child to listen” is this: cooperation from my child when I want my child to do something she doesn’t want to do.&nbsp;</p>



<h2><strong>Why Don’t Kids Listen?</strong></h2>



<p>Think about yourself for a moment. What do <em>we</em>, as adults, do when someone asks us to do something we don’t want to do? Well, it’s based on how close we feel to that person at the moment. For example, if I’m feeling really good about my marriage, and my husband asks me to grab him something on my way home from work, I’ll probably say yes. But if things between us feel distant and I’ve recently been feeling unappreciated or misunderstood, I’m more likely to tell him I’m too rushed.</p>



<p>Here’s the truth about listening: the more you feel connected to someone, the more you want to comply with requests. Listening is a barometer for the strength of a relationship. So, if your child isn’t cooperating, he’s trying to tell you that your relationship with him needs some TLC. This is not a barometer of your parenting… <em>all parent-child relationships need some extra love and attention sometimes!</em>&nbsp;</p>



<p>In my house, with my three kids, I am constantly receiving feedback (i.e., when they are in a not-listening phase!) that I need to slow down and think about each of my children’s unique needs and do some relationship strengthening. What I try to do is slow down and reflect on what might be <em>underneath </em>the listening struggle and what my child needs from me to feel more seen and more connected.&nbsp; So consider this reframe and then, from there, check out the Listening &gt; Strategies section that’s full of practical steps you can take to improve listening in your home.</p>

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